Gloria25 Posted March 20, 2016 Posted March 20, 2016 I don't know if it's with age I've gotten wiser and/or my recent experience with a MM... But I guess I'm figuring out that cheating - physical and/or emotionally - on your SO is not cool. No one can just walk away from it without damage done, even "if" the BS and WS stay together or the WS runs off with the AP. If you're not happy with your SO, work on it with them. If there's no way to fix it either accept it "as is" or leave them. Dragging a "third wheel" into the situation no matter how "innocent" you may think it is (i.e. simple flirting with a third-wheel), isn't that simple...people are gonna get hurt and no one's gonna walk away without being affected. 10
sandylee1 Posted March 20, 2016 Posted March 20, 2016 I don't know if it's with age I've gotten wiser and/or my recent experience with a MM... But I guess I'm figuring out that cheating - physical and/or emotionally - on your SO is not cool. No one can just walk away from it without damage done, even "if" the BS and WS stay together or the WS runs off with the AP. If you're not happy with your SO, work on it with them. If there's no way to fix it either accept it "as is" or leave them. Dragging a "third wheel" into the situation no matter how "innocent" you may think it is (i.e. simple flirting with a third-wheel), isn't that simple...people are gonna get hurt and no one's gonna walk away without being affected. You're quite correct ... it's such a crap thing to do to someone you claim to love. The fallout is damaging. I think if you are incapable of monogamy ....then just stay single and have all the men /women you want ... but be upfront with everyone about it. I feel so strongly about cheating ..... that I mention it to all the engaged couples when I deliver marriage preparation courses. I want them to see the devastation it causes, so I print out some BS just found out stories... The ones where the BS can't eat, sleep, is in physical pain, can't even function, is on anti depressants , looses so much weight..hair falling out...and all those horrible things. My message is ..... would you want your husband or wife to feel that pain. I just hate the damage it causes. Far better to seperate and divorce if you're that unhappy. 4
mikeylo Posted March 20, 2016 Posted March 20, 2016 Never been in an affair but I would say that people who do enter an affair don't bother about their betrayed spouse otherwise they wouldn't be doing what they do. So it doesn't matter to them if the BS is hurt, can't sleep, can't eat , is depressed etc. If it mattered, they wouldn't be entertaining another person. They are selfish people and most actually blame the BS for not fulfilling their needs. 1
Author Gloria25 Posted March 20, 2016 Author Posted March 20, 2016 Never been in an affair but I would say that people who do enter an affair don't bother about their betrayed spouse otherwise they wouldn't be doing what they do. So it doesn't matter to them if the BS is hurt, can't sleep, can't eat , is depressed etc. If it mattered, they wouldn't be entertaining another person. They are selfish people and most actually blame the BS for not fulfilling their needs. And those WS who have that IDGF attitude is wrong. Look, even "if" your BS turned their back on you and aren't meeting your needs, you have a responsibility to address it with the BS and give the BS a chance to work on it. If the BS doesn't care to work on it and/or tries to work on it but you're still unhappy, then cheating and watching the BS suffer isn't right either cuz if you decide to stay with the BS even though the BS knows they aren't fulfilling your needs, you're telling the BS that everything's ok, so the BS is gonna get caught by surprise when he/she finds out you're cheating. Yea, there's couples where both are cheating and/or the BS just turns a blind eye to the cheating as long as the WS comes back to them, but those are exceptions and not the rule. So, even "if" the BS isn't meeting your needs - just to arbitrarily make up your mind and do your thing on the side isn't right either. It takes two to tango. You picked and/or decided to stay with your BS, so you can't put all the blame on the BS if you're unhappy. 1
Author Gloria25 Posted March 20, 2016 Author Posted March 20, 2016 You're quite correct ... it's such a crap thing to do to someone you claim to love. The fallout is damaging. I think if you are incapable of monogamy ....then just stay single and have all the men /women you want ... but be upfront with everyone about it. I feel so strongly about cheating ..... that I mention it to all the engaged couples when I deliver marriage preparation courses. I want them to see the devastation it causes, so I print out some BS just found out stories... The ones where the BS can't eat, sleep, is in physical pain, can't even function, is on anti depressants , looses so much weight..hair falling out...and all those horrible things. My message is ..... would you want your husband or wife to feel that pain. I just hate the damage it causes. Far better to seperate and divorce if you're that unhappy. And that's what I'm seeing in my situation. I was going through pain for the entire quasi-EA thing, and now his wife is upset. And while my neighbor thinks this is a cute game where no damage is/can be done - it's happening and he doesn't seem to "get it". But like mikeylo said, I guess some WS have a "me, me, me" attitude and can justify in their heads what they do.
carhill Posted March 20, 2016 Posted March 20, 2016 While I would agree an affair is an unhealthy choice, I would opine knowing next to no selfless beings in life and, conversely, most trend from transactional to selfish, meaning people, even when bargaining with love and attachment, still live to serve themselves first. Yeah, they'll put someone else up there close but the id demands prioritization of self above all else when it comes to interpersonal relationships. Sure we all rationalize how generous and selfless we are but that's just feel-good spin to sleep more soundly at night and promote confidence in, yup, getting the needs and wants of the id met. The healthy ones who stop at the affair boundary serve themselves by getting out of relationships which don't benefit them in a positive way. One question for personal pondering is: 'When was the last time I lied to someone I love?' 'Why?' Answer honestly now. Don't let the id rationalize. Don't grade by degrees. This was some of the stuff I had thrown at me while discussing my EA with our psychologist in MC. The impetus to meaningful change is getting to the roots and working them. Why we do what we do and how we can change at the core level. The more obvious healthy behaviors are simply a byproduct.
big dog Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 any affair like that leaves damage in one way or another....
Empire87 Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 And that's what I'm seeing in my situation. I was going through pain for the entire quasi-EA thing, and now his wife is upset. And while my neighbor thinks this is a cute game where no damage is/can be done - it's happening and he doesn't seem to "get it". But like mikeylo said, I guess some WS have a "me, me, me" attitude and can justify in their heads what they do. Are the guys you've dated/been with/interested in over the last few years usually in relationships or married? If so then that's probably something you can look at deeper and find a root cause for why that's a recurring theme in your life. Kudos for realizing that getting into an affair or even letting yourself have more than a fleeting thought about someone who has a partner is a waste of time and will end badly for all parties most likely. 1
spouse2016 Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 Affair is more than uncool. It is a type of assault (for pleasure). It is a breach of relationships integrity. It is a cruelty and a trauma even if mental. Would it be proper to hit partner physically? If no, why would one inflict mental trauma then? 4
brothers343 Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 It will affect you for the rest of your life.....and yes...you can put a bandaid on it but the wound will probably never fully heal. 2
spouse2016 Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 It will affect you for the rest of your life.....and yes...you can put a bandaid on it but the wound will probably never fully heal. Indeed. Interestingly enough, Canada became the prime world exporter of deceit, spousal abuse, and sexual sadism facilitation services. That is infamous AshleyMadison from Toronto. Creepy people.
MrMeh Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 I'll be honest, it kinda scares that you're just now realizing this. I understand that we have genetic proclivities that predispose us to feel more empathy and emotional sensitivity towards certain topics, but trying to imagine me cheating on the person I love, the person I laugh with till tearing up , the person I would die for without a second thought, etc., is just completely incomprehensible for me to understand. Even being responsive and intrigued towards the advances of people in relationships is something that is foreign to me. In fact, I immediately become despondent about relationships when that occurs. I couldn't imagine my lover doing that me, but simply reading a few stories here on Loveshack makes me feel that anything is possible. 3
health Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 I'll be honest, it kinda scares that you're just now realizing this. I understand that we have genetic proclivities that predispose us to feel more empathy and emotional sensitivity towards certain topics, but trying to imagine me cheating on the person I love, the person I laugh with till tearing up , the person I would die for without a second thought, etc., is just completely incomprehensible for me to understand. Even being responsive and intrigued towards the advances of people in relationships is something that is foreign to me. In fact, I immediately become despondent about relationships when that occurs. I couldn't imagine my lover doing that me, but simply reading a few stories here on Loveshack makes me feel that anything is possible. Very, very well said! I'm the same way - I stay away from people in relationships. I'd never get involved with one intimately. If I did - I'd know that person can meet someone the same way - while with me. It's a shoddy start to building up a trustworthy relationship. 1
dreamingoftigers Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 Indeed. Interestingly enough, Canada became the prime world exporter of deceit, spousal abuse, and sexual sadism facilitation services. That is infamous AshleyMadison from Toronto. Creepy people. Great. Now I have to apologize for him AND Ted Cruz....
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