Can an EX ever forget/forgive your horrible past and give you a clean slate?

[kilcher]

It's been a week since my ex and I have gone our separate ways. I am deeply hurt that we are not together. For the time being, I know it's not a good time to get back together (if I had a choice), because of the many issues I have (as well as hers). My question is this.... For the first half of our relationship, I was a very bad boyfriend. She loved me unconditionally and completely opened her heart to me. I loved her dearly then, and still do, but I was very emotionally abusive towards her. I must admit, it was all me. She let it go for a very long time until she couldn't stand it and started looking elswhere for someone who would treat her better.

 

She tried breaking up with me numerous time, but always took me back. This January, it was very bad. She started talking this other guy and eventually broke up with me to be with him. I was extremely depressed at what I HAD and now lost. The "real" breakup was defintely a wakeup call. I started seeing a therapist to "fix" my issues. When she broke up with me, she did say that she will always love me and if she sees that I've changed, she would still want to be together with me. Yeah, she's basically implying that she would break up with this new guy for me (which seemed a little cruel on her part).

 

During our breakup, we were still in contact (despite many warning by all my friends not to do so). She treated me worse than mince meat. It was very unlike her. I take it all, mainly because I thought I deserved it for all the suffering I inflicted on her. My friends DID NOT like what she was doing to me. After a while, I confronted her about treating me so poorly and she later told me she was doing so in retaliation. Let's just say what she did NO guy would tolerate, but I hung in there to the very end until she broke up with him and came back to me.

 

Everything was very good from my end. I was a changed man. I was happy that she was back and happy that I actually changed! I had not done any of the things that made her leave in the first place. This is where it gets tricky. I was doing my part, but for some reason, she didn't love me the way she initially did. In fact, I felt as if I was doing all the work. I would continually bring this up with her and supposedly she sees it, apologizes for it, and says she will work on it. Well, she never addressed any of the issues I had.

 

This is when it starts getting ugly. My old self started resurfacing mainly due to the fact that my gf was treating me well. She was less considerate, more aloof, and generally very different (in a bad way) compared to how she treated me initially in the relationship. The more I felt this way, the more of my dark side started surfacing. Why am I trying so hard to treat my gf like a queen when she doesn't reciprocate.

 

Well, you guys no how it ends. We break up, because I'm a bad bf again. She's back with the same guy she dumped for me initially.

 

Is there a point to all of this? Well, I'm just wondering if a person can EVER choose to forget the past and truly give you a clean slate? Obviously this wasn't the case, because if she truly did, there would be no way in hell she would be treating me the way she did. She literally showed a drop of the love she initially had for me during the beginning of the relationship. I guess I really messed things up.

[mental_traveller]

There's a saying - forgive, but never forget. That's a rule I employ, so in her shoes I'd never look at you again. This might be what she'd doing, in which case you're just going to have to suck it up and move on.

 

Another bad sign is that you got back and tried a 2nd time, but it didn't work out then either. It's rare for 2nd chances to fail, and then work the 3rd time. I suggest you cut your losses.

[Sal Paradise]

Sounds like she got back together with you to hurt you to get revenge.

 

Granted you were a bad BF but doing what she did shows what a pathetic piece of crap she is. Move on and find a new girl and use the tools you learned in therapy. Also I would get back into therapy if you have quit.

[not_myself]

I am dealing with the same sort of thing - I took my previous boyfriend for granted...always looking for the 'better' guy. better job, education, responsibility, etc. But in the end learned that your feelings for someone are more important than all the stuff 'on paper'. Regardless - when I was with him I was overly demanding and hurt him on many occasions (breaking up for a weekend so I could hang out w/ former flame, refusing to go meet his family during a funeral/ thanksgiving).

 

He finally wanted to get away for good - and we separated 8 months ago. since then I have tried to stay in his life, get back with him, etc. I know he still has feelings for me - but he is always holding back. I know he resents me still on some level, and I hate to say it - but I don't think there is anything you can do to make that feeling go away for the other person. If anything does change, they have to come to terms with it on their own - there is nothing you can do or say to change it.

 

My efforts and assurance to my ex that I would be 'better' - they all came off as me trying to manipulate him and re-gain control of the relationship - so sometimes it can back fire.

 

My advice - back off. If she comes to a realization that she still wants to try and be with you, it will be on her own. If you do try again...perhaps you can finally be on the same page - like you are even. But it is definitely tricky when there is a volatile past....

 

good luck

[Lonestar]

I think it's possible to forgive, but only after several years apart and a lot of emotional growing on both ends. I'd still bevery cautious though, since most people do not change, especially the dynamics of a couple.

[kilcher]

Originally posted by not_myself

I am dealing with the same sort of thing - I took my previous boyfriend for granted...always looking for the 'better' guy. better job, education, responsibility, etc. But in the end learned that your feelings for someone are more important than all the stuff 'on paper'. Regardless - when I was with him I was overly demanding and hurt him on many occasions (breaking up for a weekend so I could hang out w/ former flame, refusing to go meet his family during a funeral/ thanksgiving).

 

He finally wanted to get away for good - and we separated 8 months ago. since then I have tried to stay in his life, get back with him, etc. I know he still has feelings for me - but he is always holding back. I know he resents me still on some level, and I hate to say it - but I don't think there is anything you can do to make that feeling go away for the other person. If anything does change, they have to come to terms with it on their own - there is nothing you can do or say to change it.

 

My efforts and assurance to my ex that I would be 'better' - they all came off as me trying to manipulate him and re-gain control of the relationship - so sometimes it can back fire.

 

My advice - back off. If she comes to a realization that she still wants to try and be with you, it will be on her own. If you do try again...perhaps you can finally be on the same page - like you are even. But it is definitely tricky when there is a volatile past....

 

good luck

 

Not myself... Thank you for your pearls of wisdom. It was exactly how you said it, you seemed as if she was holding back her love for me when we got back together the second time. I must admit, she did take me back rather quickly and in hindsight I think that was a big mistake. At the time, I really felt some time apart would have been beneficial... for her to heal the wounds that I inflicted. BUT, she was head over heels over this new guy and I felt the longer she was with him, the less likely we would get back together. If it wasn't for the fact that she liked him so much, I definetely would have given her the space she needed.

 

Needless to say, when we got back together, this person would be a recurring problem for me. She would contact him behind my back and lie about it. Looking back, I think I lost her then. I see things with a lot of clarity now, but the only thing I have trouble understanding, was why did she come back to me?? She came back to me because see saw positive changes in me, BUT WHY did she treat me the way she did? If I changed for the better and she STILL acted the way she did, what possibly could I have done??

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by not_myself

I am dealing with the same sort of thing - I took my previous boyfriend for granted...always looking for the 'better' guy. better job, education, responsibility, etc. But in the end learned that your feelings for someone are more important than all the stuff 'on paper'. Regardless - when I was with him I was overly demanding and hurt him on many occasions (breaking up for a weekend so I could hang out w/ former flame, refusing to go meet his family during a funeral/ thanksgiving).

 

He finally wanted to get away for good - and we separated 8 months ago. since then I have tried to stay in his life, get back with him, etc. I know he still has feelings for me - but he is always holding back. I know he resents me still on some level, and I hate to say it - but I don't think there is anything you can do to make that feeling go away for the other person. If anything does change, they have to come to terms with it on their own - there is nothing you can do or say to change it.

 

My efforts and assurance to my ex that I would be 'better' - they all came off as me trying to manipulate him and re-gain control of the relationship - so sometimes it can back fire.

 

My advice - back off. If she comes to a realization that she still wants to try and be with you, it will be on her own. If you do try again...perhaps you can finally be on the same page - like you are even. But it is definitely tricky when there is a volatile past....

 

good luck

 

Agreed.

 

The best thing you can do in that situation is re-evaluate yourself and figure out what YOU want in life.

 

I commend you for understanding that "nobody is perfect" and if we sit around waiting for the perfect time, the perfect person, NOTHING will get done. This is the problem commit phobes have. They are waiting for perfect conditions....which will never happen.

 

If you focus on yourself (Living in reality, understanding and accepting your mistakes, insuring you won't repeat them, etc) you would very well attract your Ex back by showing them you've changed.

 

But as Universe is proving, you can't start where you left off. You have to start all over from scratch. As friends.

[westernxer]

So much for being a new man... sounds like you were doing therapy to impress her, not because you wanted to improve yourself.

 

If you really want to be a changed man, you'll change without expecting a doggie bone for your efforts.

 

You're doing it for all the wrong reasons, and now she's paying you in full.

[kilcher]

Originally posted by westernxer

So much for being a new man... sounds like you were doing therapy to impress her, not because you wanted to improve yourself.

 

If you really want to be a changed man, you'll change without expecting a doggie bone for your efforts.

 

You're doing it for all the wrong reasons, and now she's paying you in full.

 

As much as I hate to admit it, I think initially that was the case. I guess no matter what I did, it would've been a lose-lose situation for me. Treat her the way she should be treated and I get no reciprocation. To me, the only logical step was to break up after my dislike of how she was treating me and her lack of effort into the relationship, which was exactly what I was trying to avoid in the first place.

 

Life is grand.

[not_myself]

IN addition - you go to therapy to understand WHY you acted like you did towards her the first time - that is the only way you can keep it from happening again.

 

The way your ex acted towards you the 2nd time - isn't always so intential either. Likely they are not as on top of their empotions as it seems. My ex put it this way: he still loved me very much, but that made him angry b/c I treated him badly and it was difficlut to be in the relationship (on both our ends) - It is like wanting 2 things at once - you sort of want to be away from someone you love? That sort of conflict causes crazy things to happen. Mixed messages, etc - like keeping contact with the ex - makes her feel less dependant on you - helps her deal with the love/hate thing she probably feels for you...

 

sounds muddled - hope it makes sense.

 

after a recent roller coaster with my ex, alot of hot/cold events that drove me nuts. He said he still loves me, we go on vacation together, then get back and then he goes away again. He says i mean alot to him and he wants to maintain a relationship, but not THE relationship.....it was so confusing to me his actions/words. So i have been on NC for about 3 weeks.

 

But now I am thinking I might want to try the friends thing - dont know. He is much more in control of his feelings than me and I don't know if I could handle it...its complicated. At the same time it might be the best way to 'start over' as OC says.....hard to tell. I am not certain he would ever want to start over....

[niceguy69]

All you can do is realize that you f'ed up the relationship and it's your fault. While guys will randomly cheat on gfs just for the hell of it, no girl ever cheats on their bf if he's

1-nice

2-fun

3-interesting

4-has a good job

 

If you slack off on one of those then she's history. I recommend watching the movie Alfie. Even though its basically a chickflick, it will make you feel better about yourself just because Alfie's love life is way more painful than any of ours.

[ConfusedInOC]

"To thine own self be true..." means so much in all of these relationship problems. Too many cases of the same thing:

 

1. Lack of self confidence.

2. Trying to hard to please others.

3. Not being equally balanced (nice/jerk)

 

Seems like most of these relationship problems would disappear if people just gained some self-confidence and learned to be balanced.

 

Just my own observation.

[westernxer]

Originally posted by niceguy69

While guys will randomly cheat on gfs just for the hell of it, no girl ever cheats on their bf if he's

1-nice

2-fun

3-interesting

4-has a good job

 

I think that list is a broad generalization... the fact that "nice" is part of the criteria negates everything else that follows.

 

Alfie isn't exactly a resource for guys -- it's a CHICK FLICK!!!

 

God help us.

[Sal Paradise]

Originally posted by niceguy69

All you can do is realize that you f'ed up the relationship and it's your fault. While guys will randomly cheat on gfs just for the hell of it, no girl ever cheats on their bf if he's

1-nice

2-fun

3-interesting

4-has a good job

 

If you slack off on one of those then she's history. I recommend watching the movie Alfie. Even though its basically a chickflick, it will make you feel better about yourself just because Alfie's love life is way more painful than any of ours.

 

Thats complete crap. Girls cheat randomly all the time. Do you read this forum? Girls will not only cheat on ya, they'll do it with your best friend to really rub it in.

[niceguy69]

the fact that "nice" is part of the criteria negates everything else that follows

 

Well it's good to be nice, just not "overly" "obsessive" nice.

 

Alfie isn't exactly a resource for guys -- it's a CHICK FLICK!!!

 

When Swingers ends, the guy is feeling great and his life is working out. When Alfie ends, the guy realizes all the girls he hooked up with hate his guts and he's alone and depressed. So it makes you feel better about yourself haha. What's another movie to watch about relationships?

[westernxer]

Originally posted by niceguy69

What's another movie to watch about relationships?

 

Singles (kind of girly)

Closer (not girly at all)

About A Boy (total ass-kicker... a must-see for any guy!)

Love, Actually (takes on relationships from all angles without getting cynical)

[not_myself]

uh - i hated Closer - what is the 'message' of that movie?

[westernxer]

Originally posted by not_myself

uh - i hated Closer - what is the 'message' of that movie?

 

Pain, and getting screwed because of bad decision-making.

 

And settling for people who just want to love you with everything they've got, because it's convenient and will hopefully get you out of your slump.

 

Mostly, though, it's about deception, perpetrated by those who are closest to you. When it hits, it hits hard, and you don't know what the hell to do about it. So you hurt others in return, and you are helpless to do anything about it.