AMJ Posted March 20, 2016 Posted March 20, 2016 I agree that she's doing extremely well in terms of recovering from what happened to her. The thing is, no matter how much more progress she makes in terms of recovery, this incident will always be part of her life and who she is as a person. If you want to stay with her, you'll need to accept that. She doesn't just need "a therapist", she needs the best therapist. She'd also benefit from a support group and talking with people who've been through similar experiences. She needs people she can relate to in her life. Community is an important part of healing. Feeling like no one understands you, when you're already alienated enough, is further damaging. I can relate to how she doesn't want to continue to talk about it, though. People here just proclaim "go to therapy!" like it's a surefire way to cure your problems. She's been in treatment for nearly a decade! That's a ton of difficult work. She's been dealing with this longer than the guys who raped her had to deal with jail. Not all therapists are going to be effective, and maybe you can suggest or help her find one who specializes in different methods of treatment. One friend of mine got a lot of help with her anxiety through hypnosis- I know that sounds loopy, but it helped her deal with issues that were buried deep into her subconscious and weren't easy for her to discuss. Another friend of mine swears by EMDR therapy for her PTSD. I just think, that after nine years of talking about what happened, it might be time to search for different treatment methods, and see if that stimulates a new level of recovery for her. I agree with others that you might want to talk to someone, as well. You're taking on a lot and you need support, too. I don't mean to say all of this to suggest or implicate that you are required to stay with her, or obligated to help her find treatment, but only trying to offer the advice you asked for. As for her reluctance to continue therapy, I mean...I don't think it's abnormal to want a break from dealing with everything. I'm sure all she wants is to feel normal again and that doesn't happen when you're constantly reliving this horrible incident. However, she does need to realize that she does need a lot more help to heal, and any partner would want her to continue treatment. 1
Author tybolerd Posted March 21, 2016 Author Posted March 21, 2016 I think I'm going to tell her that we need some time apart. She needs to learn to stand on her own two feet and I need to breathe. She needs to develop a relationship with her child - if she wants - and I think she's holding back partly because of me (I hate that she has that child). I need to know if I'll be happier without her and her weighing on me. And I need to see if the sex issues are a me-and-her issue or a me issue. Unfortunately we live together, and she has no family around. I'll figure it out. And figure out how to treat her as gently as possible.
BlueIris Posted March 21, 2016 Posted March 21, 2016 I think I'm going to tell her that we need some time apart. She needs to learn to stand on her own two feet and I need to breathe. She needs to develop a relationship with her child - if she wants - and I think she's holding back partly because of me (I hate that she has that child). I need to know if I'll be happier without her and her weighing on me. And I need to see if the sex issues are a me-and-her issue or a me issue. Unfortunately we live together, and she has no family around. I'll figure it out. And figure out how to treat her as gently as possible. But do tell her the truth about not wanting to marry her. She deserves to know that. 1
smackie9 Posted March 21, 2016 Posted March 21, 2016 But do tell her the truth about not wanting to marry her. She deserves to know that. You need to tell her everything.....how you feel, how you feel about her racism, her lack of wanting to go to therapy, your guilt, your worries, being her crutch, your doubts about marriage, lusting, fantasizing about other women, etc. It's time to lay it all out on the table and see where it takes you. IMO she needs to know everything that is going on with you because this whole time, it's been all about her. 1
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