My GF wants me to propose; her rape is holding me back

[tybolerd]

I've been with my GF for 4 years. 27 years old. The first 2 years were very rough. 7 years before I met her she was raped by a gang and - for lack of better phrasing - it destroyed her. She was raped by over 20 men and left in an alley to die. Hospitalized for months and was in vigorous therapy and multiple medications for years. PTSD, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, you name it she had it. She stopped therapy and medication 2 years ago (9 years after the rape).

 

For the first two years she had major issues, but I helped her through them. After the 2 year mark things started getting a lot better. She got out of therapy, weaned off her meds, started socializing with my friends instead of hiding from them (she has no friends). Now, to an outsider and to me most of the time she seems like a "normal" person. You wouldn't know she was raped so brutally. That should be great right? But I have doubts...

 

She brings up marriage/engagement a lot. Maybe 1-2x a month. She asks if I want to get married and when. I think I want to marry her. But if she says in 8 months, I say no. If she says in 12 months, I say sure. But I don't actually feel committed to it.

 

One issue I have is that I don't know if this "new her" (or maybe it's the old her) is here to stay. I don't know why that bothers me but it's on my mind a lot. When I say that it was bad, it was BAD. She couldn't eat anything for over a year because the feeling of anything in her mouth made her have flashbacks or oral (she had a feeding tube). After that there was many textures she couldn't have. The sound of peeing caused flashbacks because she was peed on. So many words caused flashbacks, breathing on her in certain places, touching her in random places, she heard every noise and was always 'on guard", groups of men terrified her, especially black men. Random things like ovens, paint colors, clothing.

 

Another issue is that she doesn't want to go back to her therapists because (in her words) they might bring the memories back.

 

Another thing is that she says a lot of racist things about black people. She wasn't always that way, her two best friends in high school were straight from Africa. But her rapists were black. These racist comments didn't start until a couple years ago, when she started getting better. It's like she is projecting. She only says that stuff in our home.

 

Another thing is she got pregnant from the rape. She chose adoption for that child. She has an open adoption, however she just started to see the child in the last 2 years. It bothers me more than it should.

 

The only issues that we/she has left from the rape are she is uncomfortable being home alone with other men (rarely happens). She cannot be around one of my black friends (rarely see him so whatever). And there are things that she will not do during sex (certain positions, cum in certain places, not vocal at all).

 

We have another issue (sex related, my issue not hers) that I posted here.

 

This is completely holding me back from marrying her and I'm lost. I was gone for the whole month of January, in that month she started reverting back to her old ways and once I was back, went back to her "new normal" a few weeks later.

Edited March 20, 2016 by tybolerd

[MidwestUSA]

This is difficult. I'm so sorry to hear what she has gone through.

 

Have you considered getting into therapy TOGETHER?

 

I would certainly discourage any talk of marriage before getting a handle on this. Don't make any promises you're not going to keep.

 

Best wishes.

[tybolerd]

This is difficult. I'm so sorry to hear what she has gone through.

 

Have you considered getting into therapy TOGETHER?

 

I would certainly discourage any talk of marriage before getting a handle on this. Don't make any promises you're not going to keep.

 

Best wishes.

 

I've suggested going together so many times. She won't go. She always says she doesn't want them to bring the memories back.

 

I know I should be telling her we'll get married when I don't feel confident about that. I feel bad every time. But I don't want to tell her that I don't think we'll get married or that I don't know.

[MidwestUSA]

I've suggested going together so many times. She won't go. She always says she doesn't want them to bring the memories back.

 

I know I should be telling her we'll get married when I don't feel confident about that. I feel bad every time. But I don't want to tell her that I don't think we'll get married or that I don't know.

 

I'm afraid if you don't get the memories out in front of a third party, they're going to come back to haunt you later.

 

Perhaps a therapist can focus on the future, rather than what happened.

 

If nothing else, you could try therapy for yourself, because you're going to need some coping skills for this. Maybe if she sees you going alone, she'd be more willing?

[SammySammy]

Don't do it if you're having doubts.

[TXGuy]

Wow. I think this is way beyond the scope of this website.

 

While I think therapy is a crock for 90% of the situations where therapy is done, this is a situation where therapy is certainly valid.

 

You cannot push her into therapy if she doesn't want to go. But I think you need to go by yourself. First, you need to deal with this yourself. Second, you need to figure out whether you are willing to move forward with this woman. If you don't want to, that is understandable. It does not make you a bad guy. But, you should not string her along. I think you need to figure out if you need to walk away. If you need to, do it. If you want to move forward, you need to figure out how moving forward would work.

 

That is a really tough situation. Again, I think you need to get professional insights into this. Don't rely on internet commentators (including me).

[tybolerd]

I'm afraid if you don't get the memories out in front of a third party, they're going to come back to haunt you later.

 

Perhaps a therapist can focus on the future, rather than what happened.

 

If nothing else, you could try therapy for yourself, because you're going to need some coping skills for this. Maybe if she sees you going alone, she'd be more willing?

 

She was in therapy for 9 years (the rape was 11 years ago). She stopped abruptly. Right after she stopped therapy she starting acting "normal", so in her eyes, therapy was holding her back.

 

I love that she is happy and "better". But I fear that it's temporary and she's going to go back to how she was a couple years ago.

 

I tried going 2-3 times before and didn't find it helpful, but maybe I should try again. I doubt that would make her want to go, though.

 

I went away for a month and she started going back to her old ways of anxiety, not going out, nightmares, etc. When I got home she went back to normal in a few weeks. It shouldn't but it makes me hesitant to end the relationship. Like I have to be around for her to be okay.

 

I've had thoughts about cheating to have better sex, and sometimes I find myself fantasizing about a different, more calm relationship.

Edited March 20, 2016 by tybolerd

[xpaperxcutx]

She's clearly avoiding the past. Sometimes it helps, but it will manifest in the smallest ways, as you've mentioned.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She needs therapy whether you believe it or not. But conventional therapists are not going to help because obviously she's been through that system and she felt her recovery has been stifled by them.

 

 

 

 

She's not "normal". In order for her to be fully normal, she has to be okay with EVERYTHING.

 

 

And you're basically her crutch right now, don't you see? She's normal only around you, but you know that it's a scary thought that one day she might change into the old her.

[tybolerd]

She's clearly avoiding the past. Sometimes it helps, but it will manifest in the smallest ways, as you've mentioned.

 

She needs therapy whether you believe it or not. But conventional therapists are not going to help because obviously she's been through that system and she felt her recovery has been stifled by them.

 

She's not "normal". In order for her to be fully normal, she has to be okay with EVERYTHING.

 

And you're basically her crutch right now, don't you see? She's normal only around you, but you know that it's a scary thought that one day she might change into the old her.

 

I know that I'm her crutch, and I hate it. During our 3rd year of dating she was really good when I was around, but couldn't handle going out alone, etc. Then that started getting better and I thought she was doing better. But when I started going away, I realized she was still using me as a crutch just didn't have to have me around every minute.

 

I honestly feel that is part of what keeps me with her. The guilt that I'd feel if I break it off and she reverts to her old self. That was no life for anyone to live. Sometimes I feel like I'm suffocating.

 

I encourage her to go back to therapy, any kind. I fully support it. But she won't go.

[LostOnes05]

I'm really sorry about what happened to your girlfriend. That is absolutely horrific and it made me angry reading it (I'm black btw...you'll understand why I say this in a bit). I honestly hope those coward animals are locked away and they forget to feed them. It absolutely boils my blood.

 

Now, I doubt that she will ever get over that experience. It is traumatic enough being raped, but also giving birth to a child resulting from it must have been extremely difficult. Much respect to her for being a survivor and you for sticking by her side through it. You've got to be a really good guy. I mentioned that I was black because of several experiences I've had with white people when I was in high school. My mother and I were spit at and called some particular names because we were in a predominantly white neighborhood...Guess we didn't belong. This wasn't my only experience, as I went to a predominantly white school. But I say all this to mean that I was angry at those individuals. They were the ones that wronged me. If I had held a grudge against all white people, I would have missed out on some really great friends in hs, college, and beyond. I understand that the severity of events is quite different, but the message is the same. I truly hope that she can at some point see a black person as they are, and not as an attacker.

 

From what you described, she still has PTSD. The hypervigilence, avoidance, and behavioral changes are definitely symptoms of PTSD. She has to get some help for it or it will literally disable her over time.

 

With everything going on, I can understand your sentiment on wanting to wait for marriage. You both have a full plate to deal with and this isn't a concern you want to bring into the next stage of your relationship. Explain to her that you can't move to the next level until you both address what needs to be addressed...that it is absolutely necessary for the growth and longevity of the relationship.

 

I hope for her continued healing and that she gets what she needs to make even more progress. It will definitely be a journey especially given the trauma, but I wish you guys the absolute best.

[scorpiogirl]

Wow, what an awful experience. I can imagine that she will have many more difficult years ahead of her.

 

You're right to be cautious. The fact that she doesn't want to go to therapy to avoid memories coming back probably means she's not as over it or normal as she says. There's no time limit on how long she can suffer because of this but she might need a bit more time. I don't think you ever "get over it" but you learn to manage it.

 

Perhaps you should have a frank talk with her and say what you said here. She brings up marriage but you have every right to know her true psychological condition before you commit to a life with her.

 

That doesn't make you a bad person for having or voicing those thoughts and if she wants to start a life with you she needs to take your needs into account too.

 

I imagine it's very difficult to be in this situation with her and you sound like you've been really good to her and patient. You're not wrong for having doubts.

 

You're probably going to have to risk a negative reaction from her if you do decide to be upfront about your doubts. But rather that than avoid it all and then it comes up 5 or 10 years into your marriage and is far worse by then.

 

Also, children ( if you want to have any) deserve to come into a home with stable parents. You don't only choose a partner for yourself but a mother for your children. They shouldn't be living in a situation that was created before they were even a thought.

 

So yes, you need to make sure she's psychological and emotionally capable of starting a life together.

 

It's just good sense.

[tybolerd]

I'll have to try talking to her. I've tried asking her to do couples therapy in hopes that therapist would help her see she still needs therapy. But she won't even go to that. I don't want to give ultimatums because she needs to feel in control. But a huge part of me wants to see we can't get married until she goes back to therapy. I know that won't do me any good, though.

 

I honestly hope those coward animals are locked away and they forget to feed them. It absolutely boils my blood.

 

Where we live, they were sentenced to 6 years out in 4. Justice hey?

 

If I had held a grudge against all white people, I would have missed out on some really great friends in hs, college, and beyond. I understand that the severity of events is quite different, but the message is the same.

 

Her best friend was black. She knew him her whole life. But - understandably - she is no longer friends with him really. He's a great guy and he still catches up with me about her every few months. She's started messaging him again here and there, but won't see him. She's missing out on a great friend that would fully support her.

 

Also, children ( if you want to have any) deserve to come into a home with stable parents. You don't only choose a partner for yourself but a mother for your children. They shouldn't be living in a situation that was created before they were even a thought.

 

She doesn't ever want (more) children. All her reasons stem back to the rape, another reason she should still be in therapy. She doesn't want to experience pregnancy again and be reminded, she doesn't want to experience birth again and be reminded, she doesn't want to raise her second child and see what it could have been like if she kept her first born.

 

I'm okay with no kids. Before I met her I wanted kids, but I've gotten use to the idea of no kids and like it and the freedom that comes with it.

[LostOnes05]

Where we live, they were sentenced to 6 years out in 4. Justice hey?

 

That's not justice at all. I've got some other choice words I'd like to say, but I'd end up getting flagged and probably suspended from the forum.

[tybolerd]

I think I have to break up with her. I feel like I'm suffocating and fantasize about other women and cheating. I want her to get better on her own, not because she is using me as a crutch.

[kendahke]

I know that I'm her crutch, and I hate it. During our 3rd year of dating she was really good when I was around, but couldn't handle going out alone, etc. Then that started getting better and I thought she was doing better. But when I started going away, I realized she was still using me as a crutch just didn't have to have me around every minute.

 

I honestly feel that is part of what keeps me with her. The guilt that I'd feel if I break it off and she reverts to her old self. That was no life for anyone to live. Sometimes I feel like I'm suffocating.

 

If something were to happen to you and you couldn't be with her, she'd have to learn to stand on her own two feet, right? If she reverts to her old self, then she reverts to her old self--there's nothing you can do about that. However, living a miserable life to keep someone from doing something because they refuse to get the help they need will not serve your best interests---and you do have your own best interests to look out for. I mean, how long are you prepared to put your life on hold?

 

I encourage her to go back to therapy, any kind. I fully support it. But she won't go.

 

But she also should not be rewarded for not going to therapy, either. It's for her own good to get help to get through this.

[abby_tx]

I do think couples therapy is a good answer for now, but I also feel like you should voice your concerns and stop promising marriage. It's cruel to dangle that in front of her.

[Timshel]

I think I have to break up with her. I feel like I'm suffocating and fantasize about other women and cheating. I want her to get better on her own, not because she is using me as a crutch.

 

It's ok. Being on her own is part of healing. Maybe it's time for that and it's ok.

 

Does she have any close family/friends to help her transition? If you leave, because of your relationship dynamic, having no contact for some time will be crucial. It is the only way to break the dependency she has on you. Not forever necessarily but....for a while and until she doesn't need you anymore.

 

Which ever your decision, I hope you both are well and I agree with others that continued therapy for her is critical.

If you stay together, go to therapy together.

I hope that it does not take you leaving to get her to go back but it may.

 

Best wishes to both of you.

[morrowrd]

You entered into this relationship knowing about the rape, been there through therapy, and seen progress. Yet you hold her hostage to changes that you appear to be imposing. It's obvious you don't love her, or none of this would matter. Especially now, after four years. And on that note, it's NOT unreasonable for her to want to know your intentions, especially after that amount of time. Having the security of marriage would be something any woman might ask you after being in a relationship with you for that long. It has nothing to do with her trauma, and holding that over her head is manipulative, and cowardly.

 

If you don't want to marry her, say so and be done with it. Maybe she will dump you and go find someone unconditional. I'd recommend that to her if I was in the position to do so.

[abby_tx]

it's NOT unreasonable for her to want to know your intentions, especially after that amount of time. Having the security of marriage would be something any woman might ask you after being in a relationship with you for that long.

 

THIS! I was with a guy for 7 years and my biggest regret is not getting clarification of where the relationship was headed. If marriage, when? I didn't ask these questions. I am glad she is brave enough to do so.

[katiegrl]

OP, first off I am so sorry! Wow.

 

Now to your post. If I am reading this correctly, it is not the fact she was raped that is holding you back (as suggested by the title of your thread) ...but her anxieties, total dependence on you and your feeling suffocated as a result, that is holding you back, correct?

 

Also her lack of desire to continue her therapy, and instead choosing to depend and rely on YOU to maintain her emotional health and well being.

 

No wonder you feel suffocated!

 

My advice is to tell her your feelings, that you feel suffocated and boxed in by her total dependence on you, and that if she continues to refuse couples therapy in an effort to resolve, then you will have no choice but to end it.

 

I normally don't like ultimatums like this, bit in this case it is your only chance.

 

However, if you think it's even too late for that, then just end it.

 

I know you don't think so now, but you will be doing her a huge favor in the long run by literally forcing her to become stronger and more self-sufficient ... and of course doing yourself favor too by allowing you to move on and find a partner better suited for you.

 

And eventually she will find a better partner for herself as well, one on whom she is not so dependent and reliant upon! Which is not healthy or functional for either person!

 

Best of luck moving forward!

Edited March 20, 2016 by katiegrl

[preraph]

She is doing remarkably well considering what happened to her. You can't really blame her for having a visceral reaction to men or black men. It would be the same with any PTSD, something will trigger it. Like in combat, a loud noise, for example. For her, an obvious trigger is probably always going to be men and black men. I don't think it's reasonable to expect her to lose that, but I do think it's reasonable to talk to her calmly and tell her you are not comfortable with her vocalizing or generalizing about it and explain that although you understand fully she will be triggered by this, that she needs to at least acknowledge that to have a general open reaction about black men in general is not acceptable and point out that there are many more who would never do this to a woman. But really, you can't expect her to be comfortable around all random men.

 

You are going to have to be honest with her about needing to wait awhile to get married. Tell her there is no one else for you but that you are still worried about her, that you want to make her feel secure, but that you don't think as a couple you're ready to have kids yet. You should also volunteer to go to joint counseling with her with whoever her therapist has been that has handled her trauma. It will probably help both of you.

 

The thing she said about fearing the memories coming back is troubling. She may be talking about the PTSD, the loop of memories that won't stop. But if she's saying she's blocked out the memories to some extent and wants to pretend they don't exist, that is worrisome. I have a friend who does that about her dad who abused her. She blocks it all out for periods of time. It's not uncommon in victims of trauma or abuse.

 

So tell her you love her and want a life together but don't want to rush in, that you feel there have been some changes the last year or so, bring up the race issue and also bring that up in therapy. Tell her you want to go to therapy with her and try to solidify your relationship and that it will help you support her better and understand better. But them while there, bring up your issues and fears about the race thing and her child. Get it all out on the table. Then you too will have a therapist there to consult who knows both of you and can maybe help you through the harder times if you do get married and may also make her understand why you're not in a hurry.

[sandylee1]

You need to break up with her.

Her trauma is going to affect you so much if you stay with her.

 

It means you can't make new friends who are black and have them visit you.

You've already thought of giving up having kids.... no best to end it for both of you.

 

It would be a disaster..... because she is still not over or. She needs to turn to her family.

 

It's a horrific thing that she went through.... I'm so sorry that those animals did that. Left to me. ..rapists would be castrated.

[Tayla]

I think I have to break up with her. I feel like I'm suffocating and fantasize about other women and cheating. I want her to get better on her own, not because she is using me as a crutch.

 

Op, this is to be respected. Its your life.

 

Ignore the guilt trippers. You are not her therapist, You did the best you could to recommend counseling. She remains stuck in her healing progress.

 

Yes ultimatums can and will give results. My hope is she heals...

Go enjoy life. You did plant a positive seed that she is lovable.

[Maxtor]

Marriage is just a contract, nothing romantic about it. Love her? Stay with her.

[Doublegold]

You can be caring and considerate of others, but happiness is yours.