Reevaluating my friendships

[venusishername]

I've 'grown apart' from many people who at the time I was very close to, just because things change and your priorities change. For example, people move away, single friends get married and start having kids, etc. But you still keep in touch occasionally, will still talk, but not the time you used to spend together. I've 'grown apart' from a handful of friends, but we are still in touch and will occasionally talk or even catch up for lunch or coffee when we can.

 

 

I had a group of friends in my mid-twenties that I'm slowly starting to grow out of. Not all of them, but many of them. Some of that group I would consider very close friends, while some are just more removed acquaintances.

Over the past 6 months, I did a major shift in my priorities and my mindset, in a positive direction. Around that time I got involved in a serious romantic relationship, and he's been a very positive influence in my life.

That particular group of friends I was hanging out on a weekly or twice weekly basis were for the most part always centered around partying. Drinking to excess, drinking games, beer pong, smoking cigarettes, eating unhealthy food, some of them would smoke pot to excess. Last summer I looked at myself in the mirror and I had easily put on 10 lbs., on my petite frame it was noticeable. I felt unfit, I had a beer belly, I could see fat on parts of my body that never used to be there before, and I was hung over every weekend.

 

 

I got myself back in top shape by joining a running club and I trained (and still do) for long distance running. I couldn't go out and party anymore since I had to get up at 7 a.m. to run with the group on Saturdays. Then I bought a yoga membership. I love yoga and have been practicing for 5 years, but I needed a great studio and I found one. I practice at least 4 times a week. I am generally a very health conscious person, but I really got off track with the drinking last year. I DEFINITELY still like to have a few drinks from time to time and get a little loose and dance and have fun, but I had to stop the binge drinking and the drinking games. Ugh, the thought of it makes me cringe. Plus, I shed all that fat and I got my body back. I think I'm in great shape again now and I think it has a lot to do with cutting way back on the booze. I might have two or three drinks once every other week. I used to drink 2-5+ drinks a couple nights a week.

 

 

So- the friends that I would hang out with... the ones that were left after the married with children friends tapered off...that is what I write about now.

 

 

Ok- one girlfriend in particular. I am really upset about it. I can't think of anything in particular that may have upset her, or anything that could have happened to cause such a shift. I even asked her if everything was ok several times lately, and she said everything was good. I know that she would tell me if it was something that caused the rift, I honestly cant think of anything at all.

I'm trying to determine if we're just growing apart like I have with some other friends... or there is some kind of cattiness or jealousy going on.

First of all, I would consider that we were real close, maybe not best friends attached at the hip, but we spent a lot of time together, one on one, and with the group. If she just felt like staying home, I would usually go join her and we'd cook dinner and have wine and talk.

In the past month or so, something has definitely changed. I have repeatedly asked her if she wanted to get together and she has been putting me off and not offering another better time. She makes no effort to hang out with me lately. The last time we hung out it wasn't like there was a marked difference or anything unusual. The only thing that I noticed was that she made a ****ty comment about my new relationship. I think that's why I'm giving up so easily on saving the friendship.

She and I met my guy at the same time while us girls were on vacation. He and I have been seeing each other ever since, and it's going on 6 months! The first time he came out to see me, her reaction wasn't of excitement but more of a sentiment of shock, like "That is CRAZY". I mean, how crazy is it really that some guy fell in love with me and is coming across the country to see me?! I think I'm pretty great. Most men have been CRAZY to NOT pursue me for the 4 years I was single. He happens to be one of the smart ones. Then, after over 4 months of dating him exclusively, and spending the holidays together and meeting his family, and spending Valentine's Day together, she says "I think this is just a fling." That was the last time we actually hung out together. Since then, I've tried to make plans, but she hasn't reciprocated or followed through, so I decided to drop it. If she hadn't had that ****ty attitude about my relationship, I might be more inclined to make an effort. But I thought about it and why would I fight for something that isn't a positive influence in my life? It's great for a friend to want to see the best for you, but that doesn't mean cutting you down. That means being happy to see that you're happy. RIGHT??

Like all my other real friends are.

 

 

I take all my relationships really seriously. I'm the kind of person if I don't really like you, I'm not going to be your buddy and fake it. The opposite is true. If I really like you, I'm going to be available, loyal, and have your back. I thought my girlfriend was just trying to give me tough love, but if that were true, she'd be asking about how things are going, and genuinely show that she cares.

 

I'm trying to come to grips with the fact that if some people aren't enriching your life or putting in the same effort and attention that you are towards the relationship, it's not worth holding on to.

I'm not sure if it's just that my priorities changed, and I have a boyfriend now, that whatever bonded us before couldn't sustain the change.

I used to be very close with another girlfriend until she had a baby. I would still make efforts to see her and I ended up always being the one trying to plan something, and she couldn't make it, and she never tried. So I let it go. Nothing in particular happened, I thought maybe it did, but we are still friendly with each other. We're just not a regular part of each others' lives anymore. It still hurts. It makes me wonder if I did something to cause it, although I thought if that were the case, they would tell me.

 

 

Now that I don't party as much anymore and I'm not single anymore, that changes the dynamic of some of my friendships, I guess. Unfortunately, that's how it goes.

My new mindset is to ONLY nurture those relationships that enrich my life, are positive, reciprocal, and dependable. I don't want a one sided relationship in a romantic capacity, I don't want one in a platonic capacity either. It's good to take a step back and reevaluate this way. As it turns out, I look forward to spending more time ALONE than I used to, because I know I can be a good friend to myself... often more than other people know how to!

Edited March 20, 2016 by venusishername

[deckard11]

I ditched my so-called friends last year and don't even think about them anymore. Good riddance. An I'm at a point in my life where I will never make anymore friends. Who needs them?

[Michelle ma Belle]

With age comes wisdom and with wisdom comes courage. I've vetting my friendships numerous times and am quite brutal about cutting people out of my life if/when their values no longer align with mine. My time is valuable and I make a very conscience choice to surround myself with people who have substance. It's about quality not quantity for me anymore and I wouldn't have it any other way.

[preraph]

Have you ever just asked her if there was something in particular she didn't like about your boyfriend?

 

Also, you had mentioned your partying friends. I imagine you used to do the same, so if you're vocalizing about that to any of them, it's getting around. If you used to do that type thing too, then to them it would just be the pot calling the kettle black and make you seem holier than thou.

 

That said, people change and lose friends along the way. Just remember though that old friends are the best friends, the ones that you can keep a relationship with, and don't discard them too frivolously because it's much harder to make new friends as you get older.