I need to get my sadness out there, any words or thought greatly appreciated.

[The_Dork_Lard]

Background

 

 

6 and 1/2 year on/off medium distance relationship, a lot of it was good and connective, some of it was bad and very mal-connective. We'd been off about 5 times through this time, always lasting between 2-5 months. She ended it really abruptly 8 months ago, and something about this breakup was markedly different from all the others. As a dumpee I turned dumper by immediately beginning absolute no-contact. She then sent vicious, upsetting texts, and tried to call for 2 months, then for the following 3 months she sent 2 or 3 isolated texts. I ignored every single one of them since the day we broke up, and felt proud. But, 6 weeks ago, after 6 and 1/2 months of no-contact and in a moment of hormone fuelled lonely weakness in which I happened to be in the place we met too, I broke no-contact. She rejected my request to see her. I took it like a man, licked my wounds, recognised it as a blessing, and with hurt pride I began no-contact again. However she text me about something irrelevant 2 weeks later - about 4 weeks ago - and I answered it in a neutral way, to which she made an in-joke, and it's been no-contact since. I can only speculate as to why she text me 4 weeks ago, and the answers go from her needing an ego boost, right through to wanting to re-connect with me but without wearing her heart on her sleeve. But neither answer matters. What matters is that we don't work. I don't expect any more contact from her. I secretly hope she does, but I don't expect her to, and am living my life under the assumption I'm never going to hear from her again.

 

This is my problem:

 

 

I thought we were on one of our off periods, and really thought we were probably going through life as a permanent on/off couple. As awkward as that sounds, we worked well like that. Since I broke no-contact 6 weeks ago, her rejection (which hasn't been followed up by second thoughts - highly unusual for her) has hit home to me that this really is over forever. After 8 months since our breakup, it's only been the last few weeks that turned incredibly sad, and now I've begun crying over it. I miss our friendship so much. I miss the connection we had. I miss our rapport, I miss her ways, I miss even the bad bits.

 

 

Though I've been through 10 times worse with 2 different women 9 and 11 years ago, I still find each moment deeply saddening. A week ago I had a terrible day, but the next I woke up feeling completely over her. But then I slid back to being in a horrible, sad, lonely, dark place, and I'm finding it difficult to bear. I'm at the closest point I've been to breaking no-contact again, but each time I ask myself "what do I hope to achieve, and am I likely to achieve it?" The answer is always no. Then I ask myself "how would you feel then?" and the answer stops me from contacting her. I don't need to hear it again, she told me once. But the silence of my phone not ringing is torture. I'm trying really hard to use particular strategies - for example, keeping a long list of her negative points and reading it, visualising the bad times of which there were many, and best of all keeping myself busy working on myself, for myself - all with much success. But Christ is this sadness awful, and are these urges to contact her powerful.

 

 

 

So I'm reaching out in the hope somebody will reply with something, anything to help me. Words of comfort, words that identify, words that reprimand me for my moment of weakness, my sentimental desires, or my self-pity in a world where children are bombed from their homes and tortured. I don't want to burden my friends too much, as we're all grown up now (mid-late 30s), and most of them have their own relationships, children, mortgages, and job worries.

 

 

But it's really unbearable and feels like a long drawn out bereavement. I'm not going insane (I've been there in my first couple of breakups), I'm still able to laugh (sometimes), eat, and sleep perfectly well, but I'm unable to be frivolous and carefree when socialising. I've lost my ability to joke. I've become serious. I've turned to poetry and have become very sensitive to love songs. I'm heavy, melancholic, and often not present... because I want my intimate friend, confidant, and lover back. Nothing fills that void, and the thought of transferring my desires to another woman makes me feel sick. For me it's not about dating, or having a girlfriend, or 'starting over' at age 37, whatever that means. Instead, it's deeply personal, and about loving and losing her... forever.

 

 

Thanks for reading. I needed to get this out there. It helps. It's therapeutic.

[Satu]

Think about this statement until you fully understand it:

 

 

"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate."

 

—C. G. Jung

[The_Dork_Lard]

Think about this statement until you fully understand it:

 

 

"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate."

 

—C. G. Jung

 

 

I've a first in psychology, so I understand it fully, and can relate it to myself; I'm an introverts' introvert. It doesn't eliminate emotions or desires though, unfortunately, because the unconscious will always direct so much of our lives, even if we've become conscious of it. It's impossible for it not to. Thanks for your input.

[mightycpa]

Healing comes in waves, not in a straight line. Then one day, you ride the surf all the way to the shore.

 

The fact that you've woken up one day over her while you were despondent days before means you're coming out of it. It will take a while, but more and more, you'll recognize that other emotions linger longer than the emotion of love. It might be hurt feelings, or sadness of losing a close friend or maybe just disappointment. But you'll recognize that it isn't because she's the greatest thing in your life, and I suspect there will be a long period of time where you won't feel that way about anybody.

 

That's ok too, because being in love can be exhausting. Hang in there, you'll make it out fine.

[The_Dork_Lard]

Healing comes in waves, not in a straight line. Then one day, you ride the surf all the way to the shore.

 

The fact that you've woken up one day over her while you were despondent days before means you're coming out of it. It will take a while, but more and more, you'll recognize that other emotions linger longer than the emotion of love. It might be hurt feelings, or sadness of losing a close friend or maybe just disappointment. But you'll recognize that it isn't because she's the greatest thing in your life, and I suspect there will be a long period of time where you won't feel that way about anybody.

 

That's ok too, because being in love can be exhausting. Hang in there, you'll make it out fine.

 

Thank you for your kind words.

 

I feel embarrassed about this. Today I woke up and it's the worst day so far. Thoughts of her were pounding through my mind every moment. So I went for a walk and my tears were uncontrollable. I've never cried while walking down the street!

 

8 months after our breakup and I'm just starting to feel the rawness, the rawness that should be felt in the first couple of months! I've never had a breakup like this before. Looking back, I think I was in denial for about 7 months, and it's been slowly dawning on me over the last few weeks that it's really over. God only knows how long this will last.

 

Anyway, thank you for reading. It helps me a lot.

[edelveis]

hello.i have had a very bad situation after a break up few years ago and i remember how bad it was.i was literally going insane because my mind couldnt find any rest,even when i was sleeping coz my dreams were full of her.i think somehow you need to find a way to accept it and let it go.you need to say something convincing to yourself.i know it is really hard but if i can do it,then i am sure you can do it too

[sickoflove11]

I really am sorry for your heartbreak! I know it is the worst feeling in the world. I do not really have much advice because I'm in a way simpler situation and can't even help myself through it. But I have been in worse before and somehow I made it out so I am sure you will too. We all take our own time to heal. Just really focus on yourself the best you can.

The worst for me is thinking of the other person and them appearing in my dreams. It's like you can't even go to sleep to get them out of your head.

Just stay strong, you will be ok!

[rbrt1986]

You need to get back out there, man. Every time you feel the need to contact her, contact another good looking woman instead. I know you said it doesn't sound appealing but it will make it all better, trust me.

 

Most of the time our problems are self perpetuating. People who are fat don't want to exercise. People who have a filthy house don't want to pick it up. You don't want to start again with someone else.

[The_Dork_Lard]

You need to get back out there, man. Every time you feel the need to contact her, contact another good looking woman instead.

 

Ha ha, I haven't even got a woman to contact (except a handful of platonic friends), yet alone a few spare good looking ones.

 

Thanks for your advice, I know where you were going with it, but it would never work for me. It's about losing her, not losing a woman.

[todreaminblue]

what i find really therapeutic as an introvert.....is writing out everything......bad good and in between...whenever i write this way i just write....on here and in my journal i use ellipses and sometimes correct spelling..(just corrected then)....i break up the thoughts with ellipses ...i write really fast and then later ill go through it..... i often find answers in jumbles of sentences....instead of the voices in my head if that makes sense......the best i can offer that i feel would help you most...is prayer meditation and journaling...as you have found already its therapeutic to write..prayer and meditation work wonders....

 

 

i write poetry too......it helps me...when i am feeling love lost ...i write love poetry to remember how i love..what it feels like to be loved..love.....what i miss.....what i need...i write it into poetry...i write dreams and wishes...and hopes..and it helps.....it truly does....i dont have to show it to anyone so whatever i write isnt judged ...its just for me...no one else.....

 

what i have also found is that we get so caught up and trapped in our own issues that sometimes what is needed is to let them rest...our own issues need sometimes space to breathe..its out of our control to fix them....its like putting down a book after reading for four hours......you need to digest what you have already read before reading again.... and its really therapeutic to help another if we can...this board is a good place for you to start...use your knowledge and psychology thing to help someone in need yourself....often sometimes when we help another it becomes glaringly plain that we have just given ourselves our own answer in the advice we hand to another......i believe it is the still small voice of the holy ghost that works through us and by us in our subconscious.....maybe by helping another ....it is a clearer voice....and maybe this all sounds insane......

 

but i believe this advice works better than vodka......and thats a plus...my advice is hangover free....see you round the board hopefully....good luck.......deb

[rbrt1986]

Ha ha, I haven't even got a woman to contact (except a handful of platonic friends), yet alone a few spare good looking ones.

 

Thanks for your advice, I know where you were going with it, but it would never work for me. It's about losing her, not losing a woman.

 

Well, first you need to meet the women. That's how you spend all the extra time that's most likely on your hands. I'm not unrealistic, no man has a stable of good looking women just waiting for him to go on the market. Get out, meet people. Discover your next great love, and know in your heart she will most likely leave, and you'll have to find a next one.

 

It seems daunting now, but when you're making new fabulous memories, you'll be glad you had your initial breakup, just so you could experience the new highs.

Edited March 21, 2016 by rbrt1986

[The_Dork_Lard]

Thanks for your replies everybody.

 

What I don't understand, is why I'm suddenly grief stricken now, after 8 months.

 

She ended it last July after I'd taken her away for her 40th birthday. Nothing had seemed out of the ordinary, except my libido generally was lower than hers. It was always a source of friction between us, but this side of the relationship was actually improving - really improving. My libido was so rock bottom that we didn't have much sex during our 3 day trip away. I'd been working 60 hour weeks solid for 2 months to afford to take her away. That's why it was so low.

 

Anyway, when we got back she dumped me really coldly and cited the lack of sex as the reason why. She said I'd made her feel like a stranger. What? I'd spent months working, saving, and planning a 3 day getaway. I had personal, hand made presents for her. I spent so much time, energy, and money on this. I was so shocked she'd do this, despite all the effort I'd gone to to show her I cared... that somebody cared! I couldn't believe it. I really couldn't believe it.

 

So I walked away in disgust and never turned back. I ignored all her texts and calls - most of which were angry, or provocative (telling me she's in bed with other men etc). I'd become a new man, exactly in the way you're supposed to post break-up. Some days I've been so high on life I thought I'd die from euphoria. New tailor made clothes, new hobbies, I'm writing a book, I've got career plans, I've banked thousands of pounds, given up drinking completely, changed my diet for a super healthy one, and more.

 

Then suddenly, this week, BANG! Grief stricken, missing her like crazy, crying in the street, seeing her face in every rose, jowly face, puffy eyes, tortured by my silent phone, smelling her scent in the air. It's messed up. I've got to go back to work today and I'm dreading it in case I lose control of myself. I work in a male dominated environment.

 

Why now? Had I been in denial or something?

[mightycpa]

I'm going to guess that while you became a new man, you neglected to sufficiently grieve the loss of the relationship, and this recent contact you made was a trigger to bring that out.

 

Your heart needs to have its say too, and so far, you've only paid attention to what your mind has to say. So grieve. Feel bad for a while, even though you know how ridiculous it is. It may take a while to get through it, so better start now.

[The_Dork_Lard]

I'm going to guess that while you became a new man, you neglected to sufficiently grieve the loss of the relationship, and this recent contact you made was a trigger to bring that out.

 

Your heart needs to have its say too, and so far, you've only paid attention to what your mind has to say. So grieve. Feel bad for a while, even though you know how ridiculous it is. It may take a while to get through it, so better start now.

 

Thank you for your perspective. It helps so much to get others' perspectives. It helps make sense of it all. I suppose making that contact, and not getting exactly the response I hoped for has a positive side, because now I can move on.

 

Letting go is so hard though, and age only brings about a better way of managing the pain, it doesn't actually lessen pain.