Long term girlfriend, but feelings for someone else

[AudioBook]

Hi,

 

This is the first time in my life I find myself asking for dating advice online. I'd like to share my current situation: I've been on a long-term relationship for 9 years now. Marriage is a topic that comes up frequently, but no real plans yet. After 9 years, I wouldn't describe our relationship as passionate - something that I consider pretty normal -, it's really more about trust and comfort. I feel very grateful to have such an amazing, supportive, beautiful and smart girlfriend for all this time. She's the love of my life, really.

No real bumps during these 9 years. We started dating in college, but we now both work and have very time-demanding jobs, especially in her case. In fact, in the last 6 months, she has been working very long hours, and usually gets home really tired. I've been supportive this whole time, but I can't deny it felt like we didn't really share that much time together - sex was not very frequent during this period, either. Once again, I stress she's an amazing person and I have absolutely no reason whatsoever to think she'd be cheating. She now has a more relaxed timetable for the next few months, so she'll have some more free time.

 

I think it's normal to have crushes from time to time when you're on a a long-term relationship, and I'm no exception. Never acted on them, and they eventually passed. But now, something different is happening: at work, I have this friend that is probably the nicest person on earth, plus she's fun, pretty and smart. She's been on an even longer relationship (16 years! They are highschool sweethearts). Although I've known her for a couple of years, only very recently did we really connect. Seriously, it's sometimes creepy how much alike we are: we share the same 'socially awkward fears', enjoy the same food, and generally have a lot of fun working/being together. For the last few weeks, I've began to think about her more and more, think of funny stuff I should share when I get to see her, wake up thinking about her, am eager to get to work to get to see her... Not too long ago, we had a work thing and shared the train ride - 5 hours round trip: non-stop talk, about everything and anything. This is something that nowadays just doesn't happen with my GF... We usually tell each other how our day went, and we generally always have a lot of work stuff to do in our free time. Although my GF is really great, something is missing, and I'm not really sure why... I think I've grown accustomed to spending less time with her and just talking and sharing less than before - maybe it's the path every relationship goes, I don't know...

 

This girl at work also spends a lot of time there, and honestly doesn't seem too happy with her relationship (high school sweethearts, and I think she is just too nice to break it up with him; plus she's from a kind of conservative background). The way she looks at me and talks to me makes me think she is also developing feelings for me. In fact, she spends more time than required at work during my work shifts, something that I've realized I've been doing also. I think we both truly enjoy each other's company, and that this is probably related (at least in my case) with some problems with our current relationships - but I'm not sure what really is the problem... I've never been much of a sharer, but it's like something changed and I don't feel like even trying to share. One again, my GF and I are really compatible and also enjoy most of the same activities, but something is different.

 

I'm now in a very confused place: am I in an unhappy relationship? Is this just a bump? Is it because of my work friend? I really respect my GF, and think owe our long relationship to try to identify and correct whatever is wrong, but I'm not sure what it is... And it just feels awkward to ask: "don't you think there's something wrong with us?" because and I think she doesn't share my opinion. In fact, I even think she's been suspicious that something is wrong, but also is not sure how to bring it up.

 

To make matters more complicated, I'll now be away from home for a few months (going abroad in an internship). I guess I'll have time to think about what my relationship is lacking (and maybe forget about my work friend?), but I fear that it'll just make things worse. I do fear it'll just tell me I'm fine on my own... I really love my girlfriend and would never ever want to hurt her in any way - but maybe she deserves someone that will love her the same way she loves me...

 

/me confused and sad

[mikeylo]

GIGS.

You are on a slippery slope.Watch out.

[Omei]

GIGS.

You are on a slippery slope.Watch out.

 

Agree I only read halfway through the post, you and your gf don't get much time together so this work girl is on your mind fast forward......pretend you are with this girl and she no longer works with you you'll be in the same spot you and your gf are in now.

 

Stick with your gf she deserves it she's working hard for your futures together and for herself.

 

Your just in lust land because you work with this girl get along great and there's so much time to be had together that it questions your home relationship but all you have is a work relationship consider if she wasn't working there it would be the same as now.

[Gershwin]

We spend so much more time with our workmates than our SO's. It's not hard to create a bond. But I think you've far overstepped boundaries & should have nipped it in the bud from the start. Waiting for crushes to pass isn't very proactive IMHO.

 

Also you said you suspect your gf is feeling the same. Talk to her & actively try to work on your relationship. You haven't been doing anything about your problems. Pull back & do not escalate with the workmate. I agree that put in your gf's position, she's gonna be different girl, same problem. Keep things strictly professional.

[Versacehottie]

it sounds like one reason for sure that you are finding yourself with feelings for this work friend is that you are in a rut with your girlfriend.

 

Hard to tell if your feelings for your friend are intensified because of what you are currently lacking with your gf or are genuine. I would be careful if I were in your shoes.

 

I think the fair (and smart!) thing to do is to give a real effort to creating the things that are lacking that you find so attractive in your friend in your CURRENT relationship (which sounds pretty good, just settled in, perhaps too much). If after putting that effort in for a decent amount of time 3-6 months IMO, and you still feel lackluster about your gf then it would be the fair thing to do to move on. I would try to make this friend a non-factor--after all, if she became your gf you could find yourself in the same predicament with her a few years down the road--in a rut.

 

I think it happens to a lot of people, is just the normal ebb and flow and it sounds like you felt neglected somewhat in recent months and you and your gf are just coasting in neutral. ANYTHING compared to that is bound to feel exciting. But I would definitely say that you are at a crossroads and you need to take a hard look at just your relationship with your gf and make a decision. good luck

[Satu]

"Proximity to terrain! Pull up! Pull up! Pull up!"

[AudioBook]

Thanks everyone for your input. It's been really helpful, and despite the fact I hadn't replied so far, I've read your answers multiple times, and extracted something extra every time.

 

So, time for an update:

Close to 2 months have passed since I last wrote, and things and changed slightly, but not that drastically.

 

As I said above, I left for a 3-month internship in the beginning of April, and had to return home for a week (now ended, and I'm back abroad). Things that have happened:

- Tried to stay away from girl at work for the remaining of the month before leaving, and tried to connect once more with GF, but had little time and opportunity (very work-demanding period).

- Girl at work cried her heart out the day I left. I noticed she had been crying that day, but only last week, at a work dinner-party, did she tell me it was because of me leaving (and she did it in a kind public way, too!).

- Been for over a month physically away from both, but talking everyday with GF, and avoiding talking directly with girl from work.

 

Went home for a week, and did spend some quality time with GF. Did also spend some time with girl at work, but mostly with other work friends/colleagues.

 

After this 2 month-period, I can definitely say I'm much more confused. I was expecting it would help me clear my head, and get girl from work away from my mind. In fact, I think the opposite has happened. After a month away from GF, I did miss her a lot, but not as I should have... Even sex was different when we got to see each other last week - I think I felt guilty during it, it was a very odd feeling...

 

I'm very confused, and feel the urge to talk to my work friend. I mean, admitting she was crying because I was leaving is a pretty strong sign that she is also confused, right? While I don't necessarily think I want to escalate things, I feel that I should/need/owe it to her to talk and make things as clear as possible.

 

/me not good at this ****

[WellHelloThere]

You don't need to talk to your work friend about anything. You should be backing off even more from her. If you don't do that and end up getting together with her, you will end up getting what you deserve. I say that because the way you start something is usually very similar to the way it ends. Do you want to be with someone who is exploring other relationships while they are with you?

 

If you want things to go somewhere positive, then you have to back off from the work girl and make a final decision about what you want with your gf. Then if you end it with your gf, you can consider being with the work friend. But that will be problematic too, since she is doing the same as you are.

[AudioBook]

Once more, great input.

 

I guess I'm acting in a very selfish way. Will back away as best I can.

 

Thanks again

[smackie9]

You have lost that emotional connection with your GF so there is nothing stimulating your brain, which leads to things becoming stagnant.

 

You can A) go do things together out of your comfort zone to get things exciting again

 

Or B) realize your relationship has run it's course, which is perfectly normal. The only thing that is keeping you there is familiarity, and comfort. People do fall out of love. You love her but you are no longer "IN" love with her. I know this makes you carry a lot of guilt but you can't keep doing this. You need to talk to your GF about this, and maybe seek out some counseling. You can't do this alone, and your GF deserves to know what is going on with you. I bet money on it she is feeling it too.

[AudioBook]

I have to say I'm very impressed by your feedback.

 

Yes, 10 years is a very long time, and familiarity and comfort are the two words I'd use to describe my relationship. As you've also mentioned guilt is now the other issue, because I think my GF deserves more attention and love than I'm currently giving her. And, obviously, I also feel guilty because I get the feeling I'm (emotionally) cheating on her.

[CarrieT]

As you've also mentioned guilt is now the other issue, because I think my GF deserves more attention and love than I'm currently giving her. And, obviously, I also feel guilty because I get the feeling I'm (emotionally) cheating on her.

You ARE emotionally cheating on her and if you honestly believe she deserves better, than you should tell her and break up with her.

 

It will hurt and she will be crushed, but it will be the best in the long run. She will beg and plead with you to stay together and that will be hardest part for her - because she will project that SHE has done something wrong to push you away.

 

That is why it might hurt her less - in the long run, again - to let her know that you have developed feelings for someone else. Otherwise she will always question what SHE did wrong and to second-guess what she could have done to keep you. Only by knowing that your heart strayed will she understand that the failure of your relationship was not because of her, but because of you.