nsp15 Posted March 19, 2016 Posted March 19, 2016 I was with my girlfriend for over 2 1/2 years and have been planning on proposing to her in the next year or so. All of her friends and family liked me and we never had any arguments. A few days after valentines day this year we were talking and she started crying and I asked her what was wrong and she didn't really know other than she thinks maybe we have become 2 different people. She said that for now she wanted to take a "break". I let her have what she wanted and we did talk a few times on facebook during this break but nothing like what we used to. This all happened about 3 weeks before her birthday. On her birthday I sent her some flowers (just a simple happy birthday and nothing more). This whole break think was really tough on me at first but I eventually started feeling better (running/ going to the gym/ losing weight). Of course I still missed her but the break was doing more harm to me because it was getting the point of where I would be pissed off at her. On her birthday I tried to call her because I wanted to tell her that this break is not working for me (I was not wanting to be waiting for ship at an airport scenario). She didnt answer me but i sent her a text saying that I needed to talk and could not explain it in a text. She ended up sending me a Facebook message. Her message said "First, thank you for the flowers, but you really didn't have to do that! Second, there is nothing that needs to be changed or fixed or anything... we work, and are fine together, but I need time on my own to decide if us together is really the best thing for us or not, you sound like you think its best, but I'm not so sure about it right now...I think we should break up for now, and maybe in a couple months once we have had time to step back and think about everything, maybe things will look differently, but right now I need a break and talking isn't going to change that..." We were supposed to go on a spring break trip this week together. I know she is still went on the trip with one of her best friends. I guess the only thing I am asking is when is the right time to start dating again? I am not looking for a rebound and any sexual relationship (religious reasons). If anyone has any insight on what I should do or if they could help explain what her thought is behind the whole break up?
Satu Posted March 19, 2016 Posted March 19, 2016 (edited) "When to start dating again?" When you're 100% healed from the breakdown of your last relationship. To date someone when you aren't healed is very unfair to the person you would be dating. Take care. Edited March 19, 2016 by Satu 2
mightycpa Posted March 20, 2016 Posted March 20, 2016 (edited) Well, I think that depends a lot on exactly what you do want. If you just enjoy the company of women, and you want to start dating around for fun or distraction, then I'd say pretty much date whenever you want. However, if you still have feelings for this ex, and your particular brand of dating is to treat every girl like she's an immediate prospect for serious dating that leads to marriage, then I'd wait until your emotions have cleared completely and you're back to your old self. But if that's the case, you're going to have a long wait, pal. By the way, your old girlfriend is a real piece of work. The decent thing to do is to tell someone to their face that it's not working out. You need to let the person being dumped have the chance to protest a little, ask questions and say their goodbyes. Maybe you even have a little cry with them. She robbed you of all of that, and while you may forgive her for it, you should never forget her callous and cowardly behavior. She's not marriage material, at least, not right now. I wouldn't even consider going back with her if I were you. The Facebook message that you should send back should go something like this: You know, I wanted to tell you this in person, but if this is how you want to do it, then ok. Us being together is definitely not the best thing for either of us. You were right and I was wrong. Thanks for helping me see clearly. OK, that's it. Nice knowing you. Edited March 20, 2016 by mightycpa 1
Steven1 Posted March 20, 2016 Posted March 20, 2016 Only you know when the best time is to start dating again my friend. There is no set time on it as everyone is different. It's no good forcing yourself out there and trying with someone when this is still on your mind, it's not fair on you or the other person. It could be a week, 2 weeks, 1 month, a year. There is no time scale in general. The best advice if you are wanting possibly what I would say could be a 'general' guide, go out etc to a club or anywhere for example, see how you feel if you end up talking to a woman, you'll know if it feels right or wrong. You will know yourself when the time is right.
Author nsp15 Posted March 21, 2016 Author Posted March 21, 2016 Just want to get others opinions on what happened to the relationship. I am fairly certain after reading the Grass is greener thread that this is possibly what has happened in my situation.http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass-greener-syndrome My guess is that it could be GIGS but another possible answer to why it suddenly ended is could there be a toxic friend situation? One of her best friends (who she went with on the spring break trip we were planning on going on) has never really had a long term relationship with any potential. Could this friend be jealous and somewhat brainwashed my ex? My reason behind this is that I have spoken to her other best friend who is married and she seemed to think we were a perfect match. I have spoken to her husband and he thinks the same thing that I do because of the way they seem to leave the other friend out of many things. But for me I am moving on as if there is no chance that she will want to get back together and I am focusing on me. I have gone no contact with her. I would of course try and get the relationship back if she ever messages me back but it would take sometime to earn the "trust" back.
Lifeissomething Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 (edited) My guess is that it could be GIGS but another possible answer to why it suddenly ended is could there be a toxic friend situation? One of her best friends (who she went with on the spring break trip we were planning on going on) has never really had a long term relationship with any potential. Could this friend be jealous and somewhat brainwashed my ex? My reason behind this is that I have spoken to her other best friend who is married and she seemed to think we were a perfect match. I have spoken to her husband and he thinks the same thing that I do because of the way they seem to leave the other friend out of many things. GIGS or not, she made up her mind. She left you hanging and made you pry for a facebook breakup, which you didn't deserve. And then, she breadcrumbs you with "...maybe in a couple months..."--she handled this horribly, and you're best to try and move on. Don't think too much about other's people thoughts about your compatibility with her. My ex and I constantly got the marriage comments from both of our families and friends...Its been 8 months since she dumped me which I've been NC, and I can tell you those thoughts/comments mean absolutely nothing lol Look at her actions and respect that you deserve much better than that. Sounds like you're handling this as best as you can, chin up mate. And in terms of dating again: You'll know. Could be a lot quicker than you expect, or could be something you work towards. But remember, it's a huge disappointment and unfair to try and force a relationship with someone new when your heart isn't ready. Tread intelligently and considerately. Breakups aren't fun, but do offer a fantastic opportunity to accomplish so much. Edited March 22, 2016 by Lifeissomething
Author nsp15 Posted March 22, 2016 Author Posted March 22, 2016 GIGS or not, she made up her mind. She left you hanging and made you pry for a facebook breakup, which you didn't deserve. And then, she breadcrumbs you with "...maybe in a couple months..."--she handled this horribly, and you're best to try and move on. Don't think too much about other's people thoughts about your compatibility with her. My ex and I constantly got the marriage comments from both of our families and friends...Its been 8 months since she dumped me which I've been NC, and I can tell you those thoughts/comments mean absolutely nothing lol Look at her actions and respect that you deserve much better than that. Sounds like you're handling this as best as you can, chin up mate. And in terms of dating again: You'll know. Could be a lot quicker than you expect, or could be something you work towards. But remember, it's a huge disappointment and unfair to try and force a relationship with someone new when your heart isn't ready. Tread intelligently and considerately. Breakups aren't fun, but do offer a fantastic opportunity to accomplish so much. What do you think about exchanging each others stuff? I have stuff of hers at my apartment (futon,bath stuff etc..) and she still has a key to my apartment. Should I wait like a month before asking to meet so we can exchange stuff?
Lifeissomething Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 What do you think about exchanging each others stuff? I have stuff of hers at my apartment (futon,bath stuff etc..) and she still has a key to my apartment. Should I wait like a month before asking to meet so we can exchange stuff? It's not good to see her. For the small things I would arrange the exchange through another party--ie. her friend your friend, roommate etc...--or a drop off place--ie. My parent's/friend's front porch. The bigger stuff--ie. futon--requires arrangements, but that's her burden. It might be harder to have a friend do this, but you aren't a storage locker and are entitled to request expeditious action. If you must communicate with her, make it short and to the point. Get all this over and done with now, so you don't have any lingering loose ends. Then cut all ties.
Shiggs Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 I'd like to echo what others have said because I was in your situation recently, and It's been about 2.5 months since my break up. I tried to go out on a date which actually went pretty well. She was gorgeous and I felt really lucky that she invited me back to her place and we were about to make out when I just stood up and couldn't do it. I wasn't ready to make that step you know? It felt weird. I wanted the female touch and the intimacy sooo badly but it just didn't feel right. I realized that I'm not the guy that casually hooks up with people just for sex (even though that's exactly what I wanted at the moment). I wasn't that guy before my relationship, and I'm not going to be that kind of guy after. At that point I knew it was waaay too soon. Ultimately it comes from when you feel 100% comfortable with the break up and your mindset is one where thinking about your ex makes you feel indifferent. I know for sure that I'm not there yet, so I'm not going to rush it. You shouldn't rush it either Seems like you're doing all the right steps, so I'm rooting for ya! 1
LD1990 Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 Regarding her things in your apartment - text her, tell her you need her to return your key and pick up anything that's hers, and ask her when she can come do that. Trust me on this, I was in the exact same spot and my ex used my apartment for storage until I put my foot down. Don't put it off to keep any sort of connection with her, and don't let her take advantage of you by using your place as storage. The sooner you get her stuff out and have your key back, the sooner you can really start healing and moving on with your life. I've been doing so much better since my ex got her stuff. I actually ended up changing the locks, and it's worth the peace of mind.
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