5 years later...still filled with hate

[Marc878]

Yes I know, but what she done affected me so much that I don't want to absolve her. She needs to remain aware that her actions aren't and never will be forgotten about, and as such will be forever present in my dealings with her.

 

It's easy to say "let it go" believe me I've said that ten thousand times, and listened to that song on repeat a million times. But it's one thing saying it, and your mind, body and soul actually allowing the feelings to dissipate. Saying the words just doesn't magically take them away, or undo what she did.

 

You cut off all contact except text messages about your son. At this time you are keeping yourself a prisoner in this. People like her don't give a damn about anyone but themselves.

 

In essence you are doing more harm to yourself than her. She doesn't care.

 

Why do you?

[seany25]

You cut off all contact except text messages about your son.

 

That's exactly wehre I'm at. Nothing more.

 

At this time you are keeping yourself a prisoner in this. People like her don't give a damn about anyone but themselves.

 

To be fair, she's a great mother.

 

In essence you are doing more harm to yourself than her. She doesn't care.

 

Why do you?

 

I understand all this "anger is like drinking poison and".....etc etc. But as I've said, I can sit here right now and say I FORGIVE YOU, I LET THIS ALL GO

 

But that doesn't do anything at all or change the way I feel deep down about it all. I don't believe anyone who's a real man could possibly overlook or let go of what I've experienced.

[Marc878]

That’s not how it works. You can’t make yourself forgive.

 

Forgiveness to me is getting to a place where they just don’t matter.

 

You move on with your life.

 

Get hobbies, interests, exercise, further your education, etc.

 

You can’t think about 2 things at once.

 

You make your life good and her and her memories dissipate.

 

Right now you are keeping yourself stuck.

 

Like I said before you are the only one keeping yourself in this.

 

As for her she doesn’t notice or care.

[Marc878]

My brother did this with his x. He pushed everyone away because they got tired of hearing about it. He never lived a full life.

 

His x thought it was hilarious that years later he was still hung up on her.

 

Everyone distanced themselves from him even his kids.

 

You really need to wake up

[ExpatInItaly]

It's really the result of me having been accustomed to not seeing/talking to him ever since he was born. At the very beginning she let me see him very little, and those lengthy periods of time just made me used to it.

 

You're right though, I'll change that from here on. I'll call him at least weekly to see how he got on at school etc, until of course my transport situation is rectified.

 

You really do need to be more involved with him. You can’t really complain about another man in the stepfather role when you’re dropping the ball as his own father.

[seany25]

That’s not how it works. You can’t make yourself forgive.

 

Forgiveness to me is getting to a place where they just don’t matter.

 

You move on with your life.

 

Get hobbies, interests, exercise, further your education, etc.

 

You can’t think about 2 things at once.

 

You make your life good and her and her memories dissipate.

 

Right now you are keeping yourself stuck.

 

Like I said before you are the only one keeping yourself in this.

 

As for her she doesn’t notice or care.

 

I've done allll that and more. I moved away. Got a new career. Went to the gym. Got in shape. Got a degree. Got hobbies. Got new friends. Got a new life.

 

I made that all happen, and it was the result of that source of great pain that I did it from. It makes it kind of bittersweet because I wouldn't have chosen the decisions she made, but it is what it is, and here I am, doing better than I ever was before.

 

I'm even launching my first business tomorrow.

 

My brother did this with his x. He pushed everyone away because they got tired of hearing about it. He never lived a full life.

 

His x thought it was hilarious that years later he was still hung up on her.

 

Everyone distanced themselves from him even his kids.

 

You really need to wake up

 

There are significant differences here. You haven't stated specifically, but it sounds like your brother simply lost a girlfriend. Did he get screwed over like I did?

 

I 'm not "hung up" on her in the sense that I want her.

 

I'm hung up up on what she did when she was carrying my child, and that is undoable, irreversible, and for that I hate her.

[seany25]

You really do need to be more involved with him. You can’t really complain about another man in the stepfather role when you’re dropping the ball as his own father.

 

I'm not dropping the ball. Pretty much everything is a result of her actions and decisions.

 

I'm not even my child's official parent. Legally I'm a nobody to him, thanks to her not putting me on the birth certificate or giving me parental responsibility.

 

Legally she can ask me for f*** all, but obviously, I pay for my child.

[d0nnivain]

In the beginning you said not to talk about DNA / paternity test because it wasn't an issue. Now you are saying that you pay Child Support but have no rights because she didn't put you on the birth certificate. You need a lawyer. Get the BC amended. Get involved in your child's life. Beyond that she can & has done whatever she wanted but stop cutting your nose off despite your face.

 

You have repeatedly stated how angry you are. That is well known but you have no meaningful understanding of how much all that anger is poisoning you. Forgiveness IS a choice. You forgive her not because she deserves it but because you are the better person. You never trust her again. You do not involve yourself with her but you gotta let all this anger go. It's been 7 freakin' years! You are gonna put yourself in a early grave. Where will that leave your child?

 

I assume you are not religious but think about the Lord's Prayer. You can't be forgiven for any trespasses or mistakes you make until you learn to forgive others. Again, she doesn't deserve it but you have to stop letting her bad decisions continue to shape your life. You are giving her too much power.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm not dropping the ball. Pretty much everything is a result of her actions and decisions.

 

I'm not even my child's official parent. Legally I'm a nobody to him, thanks to her not putting me on the birth certificate or giving me parental responsibility.

 

Legally she can ask me for f*** all, but obviously, I pay for my child.

 

OP, there was no good reason you couldn't have spoken to him this past month. You first said it was a transportation issue - which has zero to do with communicating with your son - then that you're just not used to speaking to him. She is evidently not preventing you from speaking to him anymore, so yes, you are dropping the ball on this child now. You need to take some accountability, too, and stop making excuses.

 

Think about it - you were upset when you heard her partner shouted at your boy (understandable) Yet, you don't even talk to the kid for an entire month. You are the pot calling the kettle black, man. Can you not recognize the hypocrisy in your own behavior?

 

I would advise you to contact a lawyer about the birth certificate and child support/visitation issues. However, I almost get the sense that you won't, as you have gotten so used to be being the wronged party that it's a role you don't know how to move on from. It's comfortable for you, it validates your hatred of her. It gives you a reason to not move on but lets you continue to stew and hope she notices. Your ego is more at ease when you have lots of reasons to despise her.

 

I mean, spend the rest of your life seething over her if you choose. It's nobody's loss but yours.

[WomenWubber]

You say your gf screwed you over, so you hate her. But right now you are potentially doing the same to your son, your own blood, because of something that happened who knows how long ago.

 

Become aware of your own shortcomings. Maybe that way you can find it within yourself to forgive her and let go of your hatred. People screw up all the time and that includes you, my friend.

[Marc878]

I've done allll that and more. I moved away. Got a new career. Went to the gym. Got in shape. Got a degree. Got hobbies. Got new friends. Got a new life.

 

I made that all happen, and it was the result of that source of great pain that I did it from. It makes it kind of bittersweet because I wouldn't have chosen the decisions she made, but it is what it is, and here I am, doing better than I ever was before.

 

I'm even launching my first business tomorrow.

 

 

 

There are significant differences here. You haven't stated specifically, but it sounds like your brother simply lost a girlfriend. Did he get screwed over like I did?

 

I 'm not "hung up" on her in the sense that I want her.

 

I'm hung up up on what she did when she was carrying my child, and that is undoable, irreversible, and for that I hate her.

 

Wife, 2 boys.

 

Hung up on her or what she did doesn't matter. Your head is still too far in it.

 

You can't change a thing. Let it go or stay stuck. Totally up to you

[Beachead]

Without a doubt, this woman did a horrible thing to you. You have every right to be angry and filled with hate..but..its not going to change anything. She's living her life, she's happy. She doesn't care and she's not going to care and you can't make her care. Your pain is of no concern to her. So you've been basically sticking around, with your eyes locked on her, raging over her..when she doesn't give a flying f*ck about you. It's a waste of your life and you have been treating yourself like crap because of it.

 

Personally, I don't think there's any point in staying in touch with this woman. F*ck her. Her and that situation is a detriment to you moving on. The child may one day, through his own will, want to know who his real dad is and he may come and find you..but let that be his decision. You don't have any control over this.

 

I been with females who burned me and left me a broken mess..feeling stupid, used, pathetic. I was angry..very angry. I blamed myself for years as well. But I the one suffering at the end of the day. They were fine. They found their significant others, they got married, they moved on. Meanwhile, every week, every month, every year that went by..I continued to rob myself of a future I could have made for myself because my eyes were glued on the rearview mirror looking at what was behind me. Stuck in the past, filled with anger and pain. Perhaps had I gotten over things and healed myself sooner, I would have been open to seeing opportunities to be with some good people, that I likely missed. I probably would have been further into my career as well. If that anger, pain, sadness etc. are misguided..it can cost.

 

I say the same for you. You can keep being angry and another 7 years will pass by but that regret of how much of your life you've been wasting on this woman will accumulate and get worse. She doesn't deserve that power over you. The other option..use the anger and all the ill feelings as fuel, start putting that work into your life and treat yourself better by moving passed it and investing in a future for you. Not for anyone else but for you.

 

If I were you, I'd change your life up. Everything about it. Move elsewhere. Find a new job. Take up new activities. Shake your life up and develop a routine that is completely different from the one you had while you were in misery these past 7 years. The change will force new thoughts, new challenges as well as stresses into your mind and push the thoughts of her into the back. Shop around for a therapist as well and talk that sh*t out everytime you feel weak. They will teach you some good coping mechanisms. You're not going to get over this anger for a very long time but this will be a good start. Make sure all these changes are in line with what your heart an soul need. The closer your life is to what you need, the more at peace you'll be with yourself which means you'll start to perceive life and people differently..more positively. People are going to pick up on this vibe and they're going to want to be around it. You're going to end up meeting a lot of people who are like you and perhaps some of them may be better women. But this won't be nearly as great as the amount of personal development you will achieve in the process.

 

Get to it.

 

- Beach

Edited November 16, 2018 by Beachead

[JS84]

Are you sure that kid is even yours??? If she was ****ing around while she was pregnant why couldn't she have been ****ing around while she was with you before she was pregnant??

[seany25]

May I ask how old you are seany? You seems a good man and good father and you love your boy very much

 

Thank you. I'm 33.

 

I think you have been obsessing over your ex because you loved her and she left you, you got hurt but adding to that was she carried your child and did not let you included and had sex with another man while she carried your child. You got jealous, angry, hurt and wanted to make her or the man she was with felt what you felt at that time or even now.

 

I understand how you feel, sometimes there are things that we can forgive and forget, but there are things that are very hard to forgive and even forget.

 

I can not forgive and can not forget. And, I don't want to either.

 

Is there anyway that someday you and your ex sit down and you can tell her all the things that have been on your minds and hope that she can apologize to you in order to make peace?

 

No, I don't ever see that happening. And at this point I don't ever see me accepting any apologies anyway.

 

This is something that will just always be there. Nothing can undo the wrongs she committed.

[seany25]

She is who she is. Not worth your head space.

 

If you let her go (thoughts around this issue) and concentrate on you and your so you will free yourself in the process.

 

Your posts 7 years later are still about her and whet she's done.

 

Yes, what she's done.

 

What she done was the worst thing anyone could have ever done to me. And there is absolutely nothing that can undo those wrongs.

 

If she handed me a million dollars now and said "here, I'm sorry, go have fun" it still wouldn't take it away.

 

Let it go.

 

I don't even want to let it go. I want her to always know how deeply hated she is by me.

[Marc878]

Sorry you're still stuck. Life isn't fair.

 

I doubt your feelings, etc of her don't bother her at all.

 

So what's the point?

 

It is your life you can live it as you please.

[seany25]

You have repeatedly stated how angry you are. That is well known but you have no meaningful understanding of how much all that anger is poisoning you. Forgiveness IS a choice. You forgive her not because she deserves it but because you are the better person. You never trust her again. You do not involve yourself with her but you gotta let all this anger go. It's been 7 freakin' years! You are gonna put yourself in a early grave. Where will that leave your child?

 

It's easy to say the words but not quite so easy for your body and mind and soul to follow through.

 

Do you think I haven't said those words "I let it go" a million times?

 

Part of my doesn't really want to let it go though. It's that stubborn little bit where you never want to let them off the hook.

[FMW]

You holding on to your hate is destroying you. She seriously probably doesn't care that you hate her. She doesn't care that you aren't letting her off the hook. She. Does. Not. Care.

 

You are not hurting her. You are only hurting yourself and doing so willfully. If you don't figure out how to release the intense anger you are going to irrevocably twist yourself into one of those crazy old guys that yell at no one in particular on the street.

[seany25]

Sorry you're still stuck. Life isn't fair.

 

I doubt your feelings, etc of her don't bother her at all.

 

So what's the point?

 

It is your life you can live it as you please.

 

In theory, I'm stuck, but I'm not really - I don't struggle daily and it eats me up constantly or any of that nonsense.

 

It's just deep down I'll always hate her for what she did. Like, earlier today I was returning my son to her and I saw her 7 months pregnant with the other guys baby. We exchanged a few words, then her and my sister talked about pregnancy stuff, but I didn't feel a single thing except a mild sadness. I'm mostly disassociated from her and giving a s**t about her.

 

I think maybe what I have to do is accept that I'll always hate her and that's it. Never try to fight it.

 

I hate that I hate her so much though. She's a really good mother to my boy, and I wish that would compensate, but that old deep down hatred always overpowers.

 

About her not caring about my feelings about her, I think she does at least on some level. Because I'm her son's dad, she wants the best for him and me hating her as a result of her actions should affect her in some way, whether she makes me aware or not. And if not now, perhaps at some point.

 

I know dynamics may change soon when she has the new baby. I hope the baby is fine and healthy etc, because that's my boys brother or sister. But ultimately I'm glad it's not me living that family s**t. I've long ago decided it's not for me, and instead I'm gunna focus on building my business and just be a wealthy sugar daddy bachelor.

 

And although the bachelor life I'm building is for me, I do wish to rub her nose in it.

[seany25]

You holding on to your hate is destroying you. She seriously probably doesn't care that you hate her. She doesn't care that you aren't letting her off the hook. She. Does. Not. Care.

 

You are not hurting her. You are only hurting yourself and doing so willfully. If you don't figure out how to release the intense anger you are going to irrevocably twist yourself into one of those crazy old guys that yell at no one in particular on the street.

 

It's not destroying me. In fact I made some major upheavals and positive changes in my life since all this happened, which should be explained a few posts back.

 

If you look at my last post before this though, I had already answered your question/concern.

 

Thanks.

[FMW]

Ok good! Congratulations on all the positive changes. Keep your focus on those. Negative feelings can easily overtake the positive if you give them a foothold. Don't underestimate their power.

[preraph]

I've been that mad for 10 years before. Don't let that happen to you. It only hurts you. I'm glad you're busy with career. Do stay focused on other things.

 

Look, this is a messy situation, and not to poke the bear, but first of all, I think you may be more mad at her because you're also mad at yourself. If you're not, you ought to be for not using birth control while having sex with people you date! So start by kicking your own self in the butt for not being responsible and kicking this whole mess off. I get she acted badly, but you both acted irresponsibly.

 

I'm glad you love your child. I hope you find a way to be objective with the family and realize they didn't make this mess -- you two did.

 

You are the only one who will be eaten alive by your hatred. It doesn't really hurt the other person. Rather, it makes them feel justified in any new bad act. Think of your child and that you two are showing them what a mom and dad are like . You are the child's role models. They learn the most about that from you. So it's your obligation to set a good example and not bring anger with you, or you'll be sentencing your child to being on one side or the other of that when the child is grown and dating.

 

Admit your own part in this and maybe that will dissipate part of the anger at her. After all, if you'd used birth control, none of this would have happened. Don't ever trust the other person to do it.

[seany25]

So my ex, the mother of my 7 year old, had her new baby with her boyfriend 2 days ago. Meaning my son now has a baby brother.

 

My sister, who she talks to from time to time, saw the pictures on Facebook and let me know about it. It's ironic because my own child's pictures were all over Facebook 10 hours before I even knew I was a father. Although obviously this isn't my child so therefore their picture on Facebook means nothing to me.

 

I don't really know how I feel. I think I literally feel nothing at all. I mean, I'm happy for my son now being a big brother, but that's about it. Aside from that I'm completely emotionless about it all, even the possibility of future dynamics changing in ways I don't and won't agree with.

 

I haven't texted her to acknowledge that I know or to say congratulations. I don't know if I should do so, or even if I really want to.

 

Any thoughts on what I should do?

[Marc878]

Ignore. She’s nothing to you.

 

Glad you’ve gotten to indifference

[mark clemson]

It sounds like perhaps you're truly starting to move on. Suggest you continue with that as it is (another) positive change.