Break up - Coping that she's with someone else

[JDam]

Sadly I won't be telling the wife, I want to but ultimately I don't want to hurt her. She will find out soon enough, not that her horrible husband most likely felt feelings for my ex while he was with her but that months go by and he moves on and it's all fine... Do I sound bitter...? Sadly it does because they will look all innocent where in reality it's all be sneaky. Not many people know about them and probably won't till he's divorced or whatever.

 

I won't be responding to the text, there's no urge for me to do it. It took everything and more to write that text out. I thought be the better person, wish her well and let her go but she just had to end it all on a cold note.. I really didn't expect that. Clearly she's in a great place to be saying things like that. That's not the girl I know sadly. I'm sure he's influenced her a lot. There's no need to look at anything of hers now, she's made it clear that they're pretty much in love, and that she feels loved so I know the score. It's hard to stomach but I kinda knew it was like that anyway.

 

Even now I'm going to rise above it and just focus on letting her go rather than call her names. I am pretty angry to be honest because I just feel that was totally unnecessary. God that guy must be buzzing right now. Knowing she's said that to me. I guess you could also say that she is being truthful and maybe I have to learn a lesson but it takes two. She could have worded it so much better and to say she felt it on the inside is ridiculous because she fooled everyone. Even on new year it was like 'we're getting married this year' with excitement. So she was a good actress I'll give her that much.

 

Right now I just hope I don't hear from her again, feel like not giving her the money at all... I will of course but that's how much she's annoyed me.

 

I honestly don't know what I've done to deserve this or why she's felt the need once again to blame me for her actions..

 

I have been trying to keep busy, hopefully every day is a step towards getting stronger. I do have some good friends and a small but great family. It's a pity you don't live in the uk, could of just talked about our experiences haha. I assuming you live in the states because the other day you said 'fall' whereas I'd just say winter. I'm just guessing anyway.

 

Sorry to keep being emotional. I just hope the worst has passed, I keep saying it has and then something else happens.

You are not bitter at all believe me even though you have every right to be upset, angry and bitter. I would be. That is why Im saying that I admire you for still being nice to her because I dont think she deserves it. But I think that being nice to other people is something you cant regret in the future

 

What kinda helped me deal with the situation was the realization that we just cant be together anymore, no matter what happens. Even if he realized he "made a mistake" and came crawling back etc. By dropping the bomb unexpectedly (just like your ex did) and treating me terrible post BU he just totally ruined the relationship as well as the memories. I would never ever be able to trust him again. I would be asking myself constantly: so when is he going to leave me again? what is he thinking now? etc. Waste of time. Coming to terms with this fact helped me so much. I realized Im really wasting my time by stalking him because there is no way we will ever get back together, just impossible, so why bother. I think some people keep obsessing because they still hope for reconciliation (deep down) but realizing and admitting to myself that it really is impossible (and now also something I dont want - I can finally honestly say) made it possible for me to let go. Ask yourself - would you ever be able to trust her again? After the sudden BU and her being so cold, distant and cruel?

 

Aww, yes it is a pity!!!! well no Im not from the UK, nor the US though I studied there

[Heartbreak Hotel]

i would be lying if I told you i wasnt a bit still hung up on her. Because as much as I dont want to I am. I mean 5 years of my life I shared with this women, every single night, its not easy.

 

I used to be that guy that used to just want to hook up with women and on to the next, thats what my brothers told me be young and enjoy life before you get old. I am only 25 but when I met her i was 20 and she changed me.

 

I fell in love with "her" not her looks, didn't care if she was the hottest girl or not. It was something about her that made me feel comfortable to myself, I felt relaxed.

 

we dont speak at all anymore no contact what so ever, i had gone completely NC on her for a while until she rang me up and basically just said all these BS lines to make her self feel good. I forgot to mention she told when we spoke that she would do better than me, have a better job, make more money, be happier without me. That I was holding her back.

 

8 months later I see her around here and there (we live near each other).

and still drives that same little beat up car, still lives at home and still works that part time minimum paying job. So much for doing better than me.

 

You can do it man trust me I did it, its all in your head. You need to convince yourself that you are stronger than her. Every time I want to quit, I scream to myself in my head to remind myself why Im doing it in the first place. To become a better me, it helps me run that extra mile, do that extra rep when lifting weights.

 

I can clearly tell you this, I felt like crap, I wanted to just hide from everyone, I felt as if I had no one. I cried and cried and cried. I honestly lost my self confidence, she took that away from me. She called me fat, said I was out of shape, basically pointed all my flaws.

 

Look man, we have similar situations but at the end of the day myself and everyone that offers you advice can only do that, offer you advice. You must convince yourself that you are stronger than this, that you can overcome pain. You will be a better, happier more confident person after this.

 

wow, can't believe she actually said she was going to do better than you.. I'm made up you're clearly doing better than her. Yesterday I felt pretty good but last night I was having mad dreams but that is happening every night to be honest so I'm up and down a lot but I think that's expected. Had to speak to her on the phone again tonight about bills, I just said look this is draggin on and I want it sorted.. the conversation was fine, just laughed and jokes as if were mates, asked if she's in a relationship with this guy now and she said no, god knows what the hell it is because she's with him a lot.. maybe it's because he's technically married and probably waiting for the divorce but that's gonna take a while i'd imagine, I'm not sure why I care but I obviously do because I asked the question.. I keep telling myself it's finished and she has a new life and your starts now, so I keep talking to myself in that way. It is a battle with the mind but I do feel much better than the beginning of this week so I'm hopeful and optimistic that i'll get better now, I've made a few social plans with a couple of mates over the weekend trying to keep busy. Doesn't help with her being a teacher because she get's 2 plus weeks off for easter so I know they will be doing great things, going away. So I'm going to try my hardest not to think about it!

[Heartbreak Hotel]

You are not bitter at all believe me even though you have every right to be upset, angry and bitter. I would be. That is why Im saying that I admire you for still being nice to her because I dont think she deserves it. But I think that being nice to other people is something you cant regret in the future

 

What kinda helped me deal with the situation was the realization that we just cant be together anymore, no matter what happens. Even if he realized he "made a mistake" and came crawling back etc. By dropping the bomb unexpectedly (just like your ex did) and treating me terrible post BU he just totally ruined the relationship as well as the memories. I would never ever be able to trust him again. I would be asking myself constantly: so when is he going to leave me again? what is he thinking now? etc. Waste of time. Coming to terms with this fact helped me so much. I realized Im really wasting my time by stalking him because there is no way we will ever get back together, just impossible, so why bother. I think some people keep obsessing because they still hope for reconciliation (deep down) but realizing and admitting to myself that it really is impossible (and now also something I dont want - I can finally honestly say) made it possible for me to let go. Ask yourself - would you ever be able to trust her again? After the sudden BU and her being so cold, distant and cruel?

 

Aww, yes it is a pity!!!! well no Im not from the UK, nor the US though I studied there

 

you absolute nailed it when you say tell yourself you can't be together anymore.. that's what I do. I can't possibly trust her again, and I couldn't dream of taking her back knowing she's been with someone else so quickly. I had to speak to her again tonight on the phone, to talk about bills.. seems never ending. Conversation was fine, laughed and joked sort of, tried to keep it light hearted and I didn't bother mentioning the crap text because there is no point to be honest. I did stress this is dragging on.. and I also told her I'm doing better because I don't want her to think I'm just down all the time. She said she will text me on the weekend about our joint account and then that should definitely be over then. I don't have to speak to her regarding giving her some money. Asked whether she was now in a relationship with this guy and she said no.. which I can't for the life of me understand, because she spends so much time with him, makes no sense. I'm making assumptions once again in that maybe they're keeping quiet because he is married. Or that they don't want her to know just yet and especially with all the things I saw her search on pinterest tells me it's a relationship.. Not sure why this matters anymore, it doesn't.

 

I would say right now I'm feeling very up and down but it's an awful lot better than the start of the week where I was debating going to the doctors to get tablets. I'm hopeful I can do this on my own.

 

also might be worth noting she said after a couple of months of no talking we could be mates but I think I need to think long and hard about that and ask myself do I really want to mates with someone like that.

 

I'm really warming to the idea of being on my own for a while and getting healthier again, just hope I stick with it!

[minimariah]

also might be worth noting she said after a couple of months of no talking we could be mates but I think I need to think long and hard about that and ask myself do I really want to mates with someone like that.

 

DON'T!

 

do NOT fall for that old trap.

 

she doesn't want to be mates with you. it's the most annoying thing ever and almost every dumper will tell you the same - oh, i hope one day... we can be friends.

 

noap. you won't get that call. that's what folks say because, at the time, it seems like the right thing to say & they probably feel a little guilty + they probably don't want to leave it all bad and look like the ultimate bad guy.

 

keep up the NC FOREVER. not even joking. she is DONE with the relationship and you'll accept that (you actually seem like a really mature dude who is going about this in a right way) & you will move on. trust me.

 

she & her new dude probably left you & the wife to be with each other and there was probably at least an EA going on. but who cares? the important thing - she isn't with you.

 

& notice how she doesn't take the responsibility for her own actions - instead of saying: i stopped wanting you long time ago; she tells you this: i didn't feel wanted for a long time ago...

 

---> you notice that blame shift? immature & without a tact.

 

strict NC, block her on everything, deal with the money as soon as you can and move on. keep the texts about the money or whatever you gotta deal with SUPER SHORT - literally only needed words and don't respond to any personal sentences.

 

you'll be okay.

 

Not many people know about them and probably won't till he's divorced or whatever.

 

nobody is stupid, trust me. when you hear folks dating other people MONTHS after a break up... you KNOW they had something going on long before. my coworkers started officially dating 7 months after her divorce and people STILL figured it out and assumed it was an affair - and they were right.

 

but again - it does not matter. if they want to be together - so be it. they're moving forward and you will, too.

Edited March 24, 2016 by minimariah

[Heartbreak Hotel]

DON'T!

 

do NOT fall for that old trap.

 

she doesn't want to be mates with you. it's the most annoying thing ever and almost every dumper will tell you the same - oh, i hope one day... we can be friends.

 

noap. you won't get that call. that's what folks say because, at the time, it seems like the right thing to say & they probably feel a little guilty + they probably don't want to leave it all bad and look like the ultimate bad guy.

 

keep up the NC FOREVER. not even joking. she is DONE with the relationship and you'll accept that (you actually seem like a really mature dude who is going about this in a right way) & you will move on. trust me.

 

she & her new dude probably left you & the wife to be with each other and there was probably at least an EA going on. but who cares? the important thing - she isn't with you.

 

& notice how she doesn't take the responsibility for her own actions - instead of saying: i stopped wanting you long time ago; she tells you this: i didn't feel wanted for a long time ago...

 

---> you notice that blame shift? immature & without a tact.

 

strict NC, block her on everything, deal with the money as soon as you can and move on. keep the texts about the money or whatever you gotta deal with SUPER SHORT - literally only needed words and don't respond to any personal sentences.

 

you'll be okay.

 

 

 

nobody is stupid, trust me. when you hear folks dating other people MONTHS after a break up... you KNOW they had something going on long before. my coworkers started officially dating 7 months after her divorce and people STILL figured it out and assumed it was an affair - and they were right.

 

but again - it does not matter. if they want to be together - so be it. they're moving forward and you will, too.

 

Yeah I guess I'm kidding myself into thinking a friendship is there. Maybe years down the line if I'm in a great place but not in the near future. It's a pity the way this has ended, didn't really want this or for it to be unpleasant.

 

My emotions have calmed down, I've accepted they're together and spend almost all there time together. The vision of them having sex is drifting away and no longer eats away at me. I just can't wait to get the bills crap out of the way now so I can know in my mind I'll never hear from her again.

 

I am still a bit down and upset but no way near as bad as last week so I can see improvement. Sometimes I think of good memories but then just say what a shame and clear it out of my mind. Relationship was fine till the end so I'm saddened it's ended like this. I'm trying my best to be mature now, going off all crazy would help no one. I've learned a Valauable lesson.

[road]

Thanks for that, I just needed someone to tell me. But don't you think it's horrible that she's unaware and you just know that in 4 months time or whatever they will make it out to everyone that they've found each other. Think I'm one of the few that know what's going on and they will look all innocent. We're Both 26 so I guess we're young and she is in that period but I'm convinced this will last. I do feel like an absolute loser and when I compare myself to him I just think he's better, that's probably normal I don't know. She says she doesn't want to answer to anyone and doesn't want a relationship so she's just 'sleeping' with him but it's more than that given the things I saw on that stupid pinterest app. I'm just broken.

 

 

If the OMW knew the truth and you did not would you want her to tell you?

 

 

The OMW deserves the truth. Please tell her.

[Heartbreak Hotel]

If the OMW knew the truth and you did not would you want her to tell you?

 

 

The OMW deserves the truth. Please tell her.

 

Believe me, no one wants to tell her more than I do but I don't want to get involved with their mess. All I'll do is hurt the wife, for all I know she could be over him, I know nothing about her. Would I want to know? Yes I would I firmly believe that but I don't want to hurt this girl if she's still not over him. It's a crap situation where I'm the only one who's suffered out of the four of us. I'm not going to get any satisfaction for hurting this girl so I won't be telling her. I hope he is man enough to tell her one day, he won't because to me he's scum and is being sneaky and hiding everything so that tells me a lot about him and the fact my ex is going along with the ride is disappointing but she will do whatever make her happy.

[Fearful]

OP please tell the OM's wife. You will not be putting her into any pain rather you will be bailing her out. it is possible she may be holding her self responsible for the death of her marriage not knowing that the OM (her husband) is a cheat.

[Heartbreak Hotel]

FML

 

I just wrote a huge message and it logged me out

 

anyway starting again.. definitely copying and pasting this at the end!

 

I just wanted to post an update of how I'm feeling

 

a week ago I decided to post a thread on here after following the site for a week or 2 and I have to say I'm really amazed at how helpful you have all been to me. Every single bit of advice has been amazing and I'm so thankful you took the time out to talk to me.

 

this is the third day now that I've felt ok with myself, I was really suffering at the start of the week, debated going to the doctors to get some anti depressants but I don't think I need to now. When I received that s hitty text from her, it made me think a few things, 1. she was pretty immature to throw 2 final and unnecessary digs at me considering I wished them both well! and secondly it showed a side of her that I really didn't like. I think I needed that message to bring myself closure, I honestly think that's the case.

 

I still get down sometimes, especially when I'm going to bed and there's always that one moment of weakness during the day where I feel like crying but I shake it off and focus on my job. I mean I was marrying this lady so it is very hard for me to stomach. I still also wonder how it's all going to play out because of course by the looks of it they are keeping it quiet because the wife doesn't have a clue, of course I wanted to tell her but I don't want to be involved in that mess at all. I just hope she finds out the truth and how he is bit of a coward for keeping it from her. I also hope people figure out they haven't done this all nice and clean and in fact they've been sneaky from the start. They were p issed that I found out, I think I'm probably one of the few that know.

 

it's mad because I've lost the right to know what she's doing or for caring about her. That tells you how quickly this has happened. Another thing that bothers me is that with them both having the same job, they have big chunks of holidays as teachers and now they have 2 plus weeks off, so that gets me down because I just think they will go some place amazing. So that hurts me a little bit.

 

Overall I definitely feel stronger, feel ok to be on my own. Looking forward to being single for the first time since I was 17, I'm 26 now! I cant wait to take some time out. It's probably going to take me a year to get over this and heal properly. Unlike them I really don't want to dive into another relationship as it wouldn't be fair to the girl. I'm looking forward to what's ahead and I really hope I'm on the right path to recovery and healing.

 

After this weekend I shouldn't have to speak to her again really. I mean there's not much point, she's clearly only thinking about him now. I'm completely irrelevant to her life and that's where I need to be. It's such a shame its ended like this. I'm just glad that since the break up I've not been nasty to her once and I can hold my head up high about that. Have I been desperately upset? of course but if you know my story from the first post you'll understand why. Going from having everything you've always wanted to nothing is absolutely horrifying.

 

would I take her back? no could I trust her again? no

 

that's for those who wonder why my mind Is at.

 

I'll definitely be sure to post any updates or if I'm feeling any different with you guys.

 

honestly thank you all so much, I really believe a lot of myself getting on the right track again is down to you guys, I didn't know what to expect and I've been amazed with all your responses and thank you for sharing your stories with me and showing me people go through this daily. I'm so grateful.

 

I'm proud of myself to get to where I am now. I just hope it continues, I'm sure there's a few battles ahead but at least I know where I'm at and what to do now.

 

thanks again

 

Zak

[BC1980]

I didn't read your entire thread, but I wanted to chime in. I was also in a LTR and was supposed to marry the guy. He ended up dumping me and moving on very quickly. Got engaged and married another woman, ect. So I know how you feel, and it sucks at first. It feels like such a betrayal, but, in the end, it's better because it helps you move on. You know you would never go back, and you know it's completely over. You can move on quicker. I promise this same scenario has happened to a lot of people, and I also found it comforting to commiserate with people on LS and real life friends who had experienced this. It makes you feel much less alone, and it gives you hope that you can move on.

[Heartbreak Hotel]

Just thought I'd post a little update and plus as expected I'm feeling pretty low. I was doing pretty well this week. Accepted what's happened but I just can't shake off the feeling of them two being together and being so happy and when I go to bed at night knowing they're together is really messing with me. Now they have 2 weeks off because they're teachers so I just think they will go to all these nice places and it hurts. Is it normal to feel hurt? Can't believe I actually still some how care about her and miss her being around me.

 

We finally had our last conversation today. Got all the bills sorted and I told her on the phone no more texts or calls, that's it now. She spoke very soft and when we said bye it was a little sad but for all I know she's celebrating that she never has to deal with me again. So yeah no more contact, feels weird. The call itself only lasted 3 mins and I made sure I wasn't going to say anything stupid and I didn't.

 

So now I just feel low, low on confidence, lonely and just feeling sad. I'm trying my hardest to put it at the back of my mind. I just hope in time it gets better. One thing that bugs me was when i spoke to her on Wednesday she said she's not in a relationship with this guy but if you spend time with him most days, stay at his home, go on dates, and given the things she searched on Pinterest (old story) it tells me they're definitely together so she's lying again.. It just annoys me she can't be straight with me when for the whole relationship we never had any issues. It's madness to be honest but I guess nothing matters now and I just need to let it go.

 

Just thought I'd post my feelings, just shi t with how it's all turned out. I'm truly crushed.

[Lifeissomething]

Just thought I'd post a little update and plus as expected I'm feeling pretty low. I was doing pretty well this week. Accepted what's happened but I just can't shake off the feeling of them two being together and being so happy and when I go to bed at night knowing they're together is really messing with me. Now they have 2 weeks off because they're teachers so I just think they will go to all these nice places and it hurts. Is it normal to feel hurt? Can't believe I actually still some how care about her and miss her being around me.

 

We finally had our last conversation today. Got all the bills sorted and I told her on the phone no more texts or calls, that's it now. She spoke very soft and when we said bye it was a little sad but for all I know she's celebrating that she never has to deal with me again. So yeah no more contact, feels weird. The call itself only lasted 3 mins and I made sure I wasn't going to say anything stupid and I didn't.

 

So now I just feel low, low on confidence, lonely and just feeling sad. I'm trying my hardest to put it at the back of my mind. I just hope in time it gets better. One thing that bugs me was when i spoke to her on Wednesday she said she's not in a relationship with this guy but if you spend time with him most days, stay at his home, go on dates, and given the things she searched on Pinterest (old story) it tells me they're definitely together so she's lying again.. It just annoys me she can't be straight with me when for the whole relationship we never had any issues. It's madness to be honest but I guess nothing matters now and I just need to let it go.

 

Just thought I'd post my feelings, just shi t with how it's all turned out. I'm truly crushed.

 

Don't be too hard on yourself man, you're going to be low low low for a bit now--you're following the steps. Some people can bounce back from a breakup super quick--most people are not those types. This will hurt a bit, but how could it not affect any normal person?

 

Keep it going man. She's out of your life and that's good. I envy that.

8 months and going and I still have to see my ex in our office everyday--that really frikkin sucks. Out of sight out of mind!

 

As for not dating, I imagine that it's just avoiding the label. It does make her look pretty bad (already being in a new relationship). They also work together, so it could be for professional reasons.

 

All around, screw her. To better times my man.

[Heartbreak Hotel]

Don't be too hard on yourself man, you're going to be low low low for a bit now--you're following the steps. Some people can bounce back from a breakup super quick--most people are not those types. This will hurt a bit, but how could it not affect any normal person?

 

Keep it going man. She's out of your life and that's good. I envy that.

8 months and going and I still have to see my ex in our office everyday--that really frikkin sucks. Out of sight out of mind!

 

As for not dating, I imagine that it's just avoiding the label. It does make her look pretty bad (already being in a new relationship). They also work together, so it could be for professional reasons.

 

All around, screw her. To better times my man.

 

Thanks man

 

I'm sorry to hear you have to see your ex in work every day. I hope you feel ok about it now?

 

I asked about whether they're keeping quiet because of work and she just said I'm not shouting about it but if someone asks I'll tell them, they're not making it public at all. I think it has to do with the wife, otherwise what should stop them?

 

I guess she is out of my life, that's what I'm struggling with. I should hate her but I dont. Can't for the life of me get them out of my head. Feel like I've taken 10 steps back. All I think about is how happy they are and miserable I am. I'm just finding it really hard, obviously i haven't accepted it. I don't plan on talking to her again. I do miss her, I miss her being here but saying that I bet she doesn't miss me at all. I bet she's not even bothered how badly she's hurt me. I may have to see my doctor after all because this can't go on. It's actually ruining my life.

 

The fact that she's nothing to do with me anymore destroys me and I can't help but hate this guy. Who couldn't be man enough to let his wife know regardless. Maybe I'm wrong to dislike him I don't know.

[JDam]

Just thought I'd post a little update and plus as expected I'm feeling pretty low. I was doing pretty well this week. Accepted what's happened but I just can't shake off the feeling of them two being together and being so happy and when I go to bed at night knowing they're together is really messing with me. Now they have 2 weeks off because they're teachers so I just think they will go to all these nice places and it hurts. Is it normal to feel hurt? Can't believe I actually still some how care about her and miss her being around me.

 

We finally had our last conversation today. Got all the bills sorted and I told her on the phone no more texts or calls, that's it now. She spoke very soft and when we said bye it was a little sad but for all I know she's celebrating that she never has to deal with me again. So yeah no more contact, feels weird. The call itself only lasted 3 mins and I made sure I wasn't going to say anything stupid and I didn't.

 

So now I just feel low, low on confidence, lonely and just feeling sad. I'm trying my hardest to put it at the back of my mind. I just hope in time it gets better. One thing that bugs me was when i spoke to her on Wednesday she said she's not in a relationship with this guy but if you spend time with him most days, stay at his home, go on dates, and given the things she searched on Pinterest (old story) it tells me they're definitely together so she's lying again.. It just annoys me she can't be straight with me when for the whole relationship we never had any issues. It's madness to be honest but I guess nothing matters now and I just need to let it go.

 

Just thought I'd post my feelings, just shi t with how it's all turned out. I'm truly crushed.

 

Im going through the same. Yesterday I found out he is with someone new. Found out through instagram... it is hard not to look, I was successfully avoiding it until I was told about her. The new girlfriend of his best friend, him and his new girl were at his friends house cooking for themselves, enjoying Easter.... it sucks because they (him and his best friend) used to cook for us (me and ex of his best friend) as well.

 

I dont feel bad because he is someone else, I can honestly say I really wouldnt want to be with him, I dont have any feelings for him anymore. What pisses me off though is that he is having a new relationship (and of course enjoying the "honeymoon" when everything seems awesome) and Im not. Dont want to be negative but he is in a much better situation and always was. He is only 23, guy should be older than girl, it is (or was) obviously really easy to find someone new, a single girl his age. Whereas me at 27... especially when I just dont want to date a younger guy anymore... it just feels really hopeless

 

So yeah, I absolutely understand the thoughts you are having (are they having a good time? Im sitting at home... all alone, I wonder what they are doing today etc. etc.) IT SUCKS.

[Heartbreak Hotel]

Well I think it's fair to say I'm back to square one again.

 

Maybe this is normal I don't know but the reality at the moment is I struggle to not contact my ex. Given how this has ended I should hate her but I just can't. Anyway so I spoke to her a couple of days ago and she finally told me that she's in a relationship with the guy and apparently the wife knows and took it well because they ended things mutually. I got really upset on the phone with her, just tears flowing because I'm just in total agony, it ends up with her being frustrated and also crying and she just has to put the phone down because well I won't .. It never gets nasty but because I have never ending questions, it just doesn't get anywhere. I just tell her that I find it so hard that I was marrying her in August and now she's with someone else. Took her 3-4 weeks to move on and like people have said, she obviously let me go before hand in her head.

 

She says things like she will always care for me, and if I ever needed her she's there for me and that she thinks about me but not in that way anymore. She sounds genuine but because she's lied, it's hard for me to know what's real anymore with her and I told her that. I then sent a text today after discussing bills just saying that I wished she had brought up her feelings long before she pulled the trigger so that we could of had a chance. I told her the relationship was good and that it hurts when you speak of it in a negative manner. I then told her that I went through a tough time in November when I broke down to my mum and my ex in the same room as I was unhappy with work and I was stressed and I said if you had of just bare with me then I would of been back to normal, we then had a lovely xmas so again doesn't make much sense.

 

I then said I don't regret proposing, maybe it was little soon but I don't want to follow the book and I thought it was the right decision, because she was hinting at ring types to me. Then I said his wife uploaded a pic on Instagram of him and this random baby so I told her I think she's hung up on him despite what you say and then to end it , I just said my source of happiness has left me feeling empty and I was once the happiest man in the world and now I can't find that person because I'm someone I don't even recognise anymore... Then I wished her al the best and wanted her to be happy.

 

So to sum up, the reality of her being in a new relationship kills. My emotions are horrendous, I'm at rock bottom and I still some how love her and can't understand why. I have nothing to do with her anymore and can't seem to get that into my thick head. I know all I should do is NC but I don't know if I'm strong enough, I will try my best but the question I want to ask is..

 

Is it normal to feel this way? To be so hung up on her.. I know it's dead and buried yet I still want to talk to her. Nothing makes sense. I just keep thinking how happy they are. I feel incredibly lonely because people are fed up of me talking about it, which I can understand but I'm now just bottling it all up inside me and just going to bed each night on my own with 1000 thoughts running around. I wish I had a stronger mind or a horrible guys mentality where they don't care about any girls, but that's not me. Since 17 I've been in relationships and I'm now 26, I'm that type of guy.

 

Anyway I just needed to get this out there.

 

Thanks for reading and hope anyone can just talk to me really.

 

Zak

[JDam]

Im so sorry you are going through this mess. I can assure you most of us here have been there and I know what it feels like I know there are no words of comfort and nothing really helps but you will really get through this. It just takes time My ex is also with someone new, I discovered last week. After a year it does not really hurt but had this happened shortly after the BU it would have killed me. I kinda think I was lucky that none of his attempts worked out (his attempts to date girls... I witnessed all that...) and is in a relationship now that I truly dont care. What bugs me though is the injustice you know... Like if karma really worked then both me as well as you would be in a different place and new happy relationship. Instead he is happy in a new relationship and Im still single. I dont know...

 

As I wrote a few days ago what really helped me was the thought that there is just no way we will ever be together again. This helped me avoid any direct contact, I never ever contacted him. Not even once after the BU. Think about it like that... It seems to me it is just done between you two (sorry Im being so blunt, I know it hurts), but realizing that is really important (or it was for me) I said to myself: look, lets concentrate on things that I can change, not on something I can do nothing about. This is something I just cant influence even if I did all I could. It is a waste of time. My time on this planet is limited and Im only 27, I would regret the time I wasted after a few years. Nobody is ever going to give me back all the time I wasted on this person who did not even have the courtesy to break up with me in person.

 

Please try thinking about it like that. What you are feeling is completely normal and you will be ok. It just takes me.

[Satu]

Thanks for reading and hope anyone can just talk to me really.

 

Zak

 

You are hurting yourself.

[Heartbreak Hotel]

You are hurting yourself.

 

I know I am, its ridiculous why I'm wasting so much time and energy on something that isn't there anymore. I've just got to be much stronger and get a grip now. The whole story is messed up and that's why I'm struggling. I'll try to make a real effort on not torturing myself.

[Steven1]

Well I think it's fair to say I'm back to square one again.

 

Maybe this is normal I don't know but the reality at the moment is I struggle to not contact my ex. Given how this has ended I should hate her but I just can't. Anyway so I spoke to her a couple of days ago and she finally told me that she's in a relationship with the guy and apparently the wife knows and took it well because they ended things mutually. I got really upset on the phone with her, just tears flowing because I'm just in total agony, it ends up with her being frustrated and also crying and she just has to put the phone down because well I won't .. It never gets nasty but because I have never ending questions, it just doesn't get anywhere. I just tell her that I find it so hard that I was marrying her in August and now she's with someone else. Took her 3-4 weeks to move on and like people have said, she obviously let me go before hand in her head.

 

She says things like she will always care for me, and if I ever needed her she's there for me and that she thinks about me but not in that way anymore. She sounds genuine but because she's lied, it's hard for me to know what's real anymore with her and I told her that. I then sent a text today after discussing bills just saying that I wished she had brought up her feelings long before she pulled the trigger so that we could of had a chance. I told her the relationship was good and that it hurts when you speak of it in a negative manner. I then told her that I went through a tough time in November when I broke down to my mum and my ex in the same room as I was unhappy with work and I was stressed and I said if you had of just bare with me then I would of been back to normal, we then had a lovely xmas so again doesn't make much sense.

 

I then said I don't regret proposing, maybe it was little soon but I don't want to follow the book and I thought it was the right decision, because she was hinting at ring types to me. Then I said his wife uploaded a pic on Instagram of him and this random baby so I told her I think she's hung up on him despite what you say and then to end it , I just said my source of happiness has left me feeling empty and I was once the happiest man in the world and now I can't find that person because I'm someone I don't even recognise anymore... Then I wished her al the best and wanted her to be happy.

 

So to sum up, the reality of her being in a new relationship kills. My emotions are horrendous, I'm at rock bottom and I still some how love her and can't understand why. I have nothing to do with her anymore and can't seem to get that into my thick head. I know all I should do is NC but I don't know if I'm strong enough, I will try my best but the question I want to ask is..

 

Is it normal to feel this way? To be so hung up on her.. I know it's dead and buried yet I still want to talk to her. Nothing makes sense. I just keep thinking how happy they are. I feel incredibly lonely because people are fed up of me talking about it, which I can understand but I'm now just bottling it all up inside me and just going to bed each night on my own with 1000 thoughts running around. I wish I had a stronger mind or a horrible guys mentality where they don't care about any girls, but that's not me. Since 17 I've been in relationships and I'm now 26, I'm that type of guy.

 

Anyway I just needed to get this out there.

 

Thanks for reading and hope anyone can just talk to me really.

 

Zak

 

 

 

Just so you know you are NOT going through this alone.. and I know EXACTLY how you feel.

 

Was with my now ex for 7 years. Knew something was wrong etc from about February, we broke up just before Valentines. We went no contact for 8 weeks, she texted me a few days ago as to why we split. She said she no longer loved me in that way, had no romantic feelings for me, was interested in someone else, and that something was likely to happen with him. That absolutely killed me especially as I poured my heart out to her earlier that day.

 

After a 7 year relationship, I didn't see her before the break up, I didn't even get a phone call from her. All of this was done from her side by text. It absolutely kills me knowing she has moved on already and in my mind so easily. It kills me more that she said that I'm a great guy who anyone would be lucky to have "just not me (her)".

 

This sort of thing is never easy when you still care for them as much as you ever have, if anything this makes us care for them more for some stupid reason, obviously because we still love them and can't yet accept that they don't share the same feelings we do.

 

It's not easy, I know that for a fact. Will it get better for you, us? Eventually yes, in time, again it could be a long while, sadly there is no time frame for it. Will we ever fully get over this? I won't lie to you, I don't know. These things can have different impacts on people, but we have to try. Just wanted you to know though, that you aren't the only one going through this, that there is someone else who knows what you are feeling. I hope that in some way that does help you.

[Heartbreak Hotel]

Im so sorry you are going through this mess. I can assure you most of us here have been there and I know what it feels like I know there are no words of comfort and nothing really helps but you will really get through this. It just takes time My ex is also with someone new, I discovered last week. After a year it does not really hurt but had this happened shortly after the BU it would have killed me. I kinda think I was lucky that none of his attempts worked out (his attempts to date girls... I witnessed all that...) and is in a relationship now that I truly dont care. What bugs me though is the injustice you know... Like if karma really worked then both me as well as you would be in a different place and new happy relationship. Instead he is happy in a new relationship and Im still single. I dont know...

 

As I wrote a few days ago what really helped me was the thought that there is just no way we will ever be together again. This helped me avoid any direct contact, I never ever contacted him. Not even once after the BU. Think about it like that... It seems to me it is just done between you two (sorry Im being so blunt, I know it hurts), but realizing that is really important (or it was for me) I said to myself: look, lets concentrate on things that I can change, not on something I can do nothing about. This is something I just cant influence even if I did all I could. It is a waste of time. My time on this planet is limited and Im only 27, I would regret the time I wasted after a few years. Nobody is ever going to give me back all the time I wasted on this person who did not even have the courtesy to break up with me in person.

 

Please try thinking about it like that. What you are feeling is completely normal and you will be ok. It just takes me.

 

Thank you, that was really helpful actually. I think my problem is when I receive good advice like you've just given me. It works for a short period say 3-4 days and then some weird part of me just breaks down and is like right I'm really struggling and I wish I could talk to her. Then the temptation starts. I have no idea why I want to talk to her. I know it's over, you don't have to tell me haha. I'm just finding it so hard to accept the reality that she moved on so quick and now she has a new life whilst I'm still recovering from the past. Moving on after 3-4 weeks is insane in my eyes, I know she must of mentally let me go before but still that is a short time to move on. I think it's about getting a grip now. Knowing we could never work again should be a good motivation to move on. I just hate the way my mind plays games with me and im a guy with such a big heart and whenever bad things happen, i get really sensitive and in this unique situation where it's a bit more than just a break up, it's just agony now but i agree with what you say. I just want this over with because I'm actually a happy guy but right now I'm just so miserable.

[Heartbreak Hotel]

Just so you know you are NOT going through this alone.. and I know EXACTLY how you feel.

 

Was with my now ex for 7 years. Knew something was wrong etc from about February, we broke up just before Valentines. We went no contact for 8 weeks, she texted me a few days ago as to why we split. She said she no longer loved me in that way, had no romantic feelings for me, was interested in someone else, and that something was likely to happen with him. That absolutely killed me especially as I poured my heart out to her earlier that day.

 

After a 7 year relationship, I didn't see her before the break up, I didn't even get a phone call from her. All of this was done from her side by text. It absolutely kills me knowing she has moved on already and in my mind so easily. It kills me more that she said that I'm a great guy who anyone would be lucky to have "just not me (her)".

 

This sort of thing is never easy when you still care for them as much as you ever have, if anything this makes us care for them more for some stupid reason, obviously because we still love them and can't yet accept that they don't share the same feelings we do.

 

It's not easy, I know that for a fact. Will it get better for you, us? Eventually yes, in time, again it could be a long while, sadly there is no time frame for it. Will we ever fully get over this? I won't lie to you, I don't know. These things can have different impacts on people, but we have to try. Just wanted you to know though, that you aren't the only one going through this, that there is someone else who knows what you are feeling. I hope that in some way that does help you.

 

Hi Steven,

 

I'm sorry to hear about your story, that's incredibly sad. Especially when you did the right thing (something I didn't do) and that was go NC for 8 weeks but to receive a text with the reasons is horrible. Did you not live with her? Because I had a nightmare where I wanted no contact but we had a joint account all bills were in our names and we lived together so sorting everything out has took so long. Literally a few days ago everything has finally finished but it's taken 8 weeks I'd say which isn't great. Going back to what your ex said about you being a great guy and anyone would be lucky to have you but it just wasn't right for me. My ex said the same thing.. So I can relate.

 

The one thing I would say that is good (well it's not good at all) was that she told you truth about how she felt and she didn't want to do anything with this guy while she was with you but that doesn't help anything but to make you feel a little better my ex lied to my face when I knew she was sleeping with this guy. That was the worst thing she's done, I can't stand liars and when it comes from someone you love, it's horrible. She's shattered any trust now. She swears she never cheated or that it didn't happen before hand but I can't prove otherwise. To be honest it doesn't matter anymore, I know she's in a relationship with him and that's all that matters.

 

Life can be cruel and unfair, and you seem like a really nice guy. I just hope we can both find peace one day and truly accept what's happened and hope that the damage isn't too bad so that we can move on and be happy again with other people. For me I think it's a long road because I am struggling but what I want to achieve is to be happy on my own and not depend on anyone. That's like my goal I think. I want a break from relationships I honestly feel like my ex and this guy filled each other's needs to begin with because they couldn't bare being on their own and it worked out perfectly for them, they work together so I don't think it's a rebound. I wished her well which killed me but I did.

 

Read my thread entirely because I've been given loads of good advice that could be helpful for you too. I really hope you're ok. I know how tough it is.

 

Thanks for replying.

[Steven1]

Hi Steven,

 

I'm sorry to hear about your story, that's incredibly sad. Especially when you did the right thing (something I didn't do) and that was go NC for 8 weeks but to receive a text with the reasons is horrible. Did you not live with her? Because I had a nightmare where I wanted no contact but we had a joint account all bills were in our names and we lived together so sorting everything out has took so long. Literally a few days ago everything has finally finished but it's taken 8 weeks I'd say which isn't great. Going back to what your ex said about you being a great guy and anyone would be lucky to have you but it just wasn't right for me. My ex said the same thing.. So I can relate.

 

The one thing I would say that is good (well it's not good at all) was that she told you truth about how she felt and she didn't want to do anything with this guy while she was with you but that doesn't help anything but to make you feel a little better my ex lied to my face when I knew she was sleeping with this guy. That was the worst thing she's done, I can't stand liars and when it comes from someone you love, it's horrible. She's shattered any trust now. She swears she never cheated or that it didn't happen before hand but I can't prove otherwise. To be honest it doesn't matter anymore, I know she's in a relationship with him and that's all that matters.

 

Life can be cruel and unfair, and you seem like a really nice guy. I just hope we can both find peace one day and truly accept what's happened and hope that the damage isn't too bad so that we can move on and be happy again with other people. For me I think it's a long road because I am struggling but what I want to achieve is to be happy on my own and not depend on anyone. That's like my goal I think. I want a break from relationships I honestly feel like my ex and this guy filled each other's needs to begin with because they couldn't bare being on their own and it worked out perfectly for them, they work together so I don't think it's a rebound. I wished her well which killed me but I did.

 

Read my thread entirely because I've been given loads of good advice that could be helpful for you too. I really hope you're ok. I know how tough it is.

 

Thanks for replying.

 

 

Didn't live with her, ironically we were supposed to be moving in together next year / early year after.

 

She came to Uni here from Canada (we were long distance but I went over there often to stay with her etc, 6 months one time before she came here 5 months later). She said more or less after the first week of Uni in September she felt differently that everything was a huge change. But we talked through that at the time, and we had some great times from September to new year. Then she laid it on me a few days ago that she didn't have romantic feelings for me anymore, and that even through those times together from September onwards she was doubting her feelings.

 

I think that she's definitely been influenced in one way or another by this other guy and probably friends too. However, She has told me before that since I'm the only person we've been with, she says that she thinks she needs to experience being with other people just to see what it's like.

 

She says she wants to be friends and eventually see each other again etc.

 

It is something that we will both get through, our situations are very similar with a few differences. To be honest I said to one of my friends the other day. I'm good at giving advice, and horrible at taking it. I think in situations such as this we can be giving the best advice ever to be found, but we will still hold out hope because we love the other person. It'll take time sadly, how long only we will find out. But it will get better for both of us eventually.

[mightycpa]

Maybe you should ask her to make you a video that tells you in no uncertain terms that she doesn't want to be with you any more, and to please stop calling and texting and to move on with your life.

 

Every time you feel weak, you can play the video back to yourself to satisfy the urge to speak to her. I'll bet the urge will go away pretty soon if you keep doing something like that instead of talking to her.

[Heartbreak Hotel]

It's been nearly 4 months since my last post on this thread so I thought i'd provide an update on where I'm at now for those out there who are going through a break up.

 

I can honestly say that this was the hardest and most brutal thing I've ever been through, the story of the break up got worse as it went on. A death in my ex's family, a child literally broke me inside as I was really close with her and was there when she was born, she was only 7 months old. I couldn't even go to the funeral due to the circumstances, I didn't ask mind as it wasn't my place, I provided support as she reached out to me to tell me she had died and that day of the funeral was the last time I spoke to her. It's been a little over 2 months now of no contact with her whatsoever and my god I needed it. I needed to do something otherwise I was going to go insane. The amount of self torture I put myself through, the amount of self blame, the amount of sadness and hate, the love even, it all had to go.

 

In a bizarre way the child's death put everything into perspective for me. It just made me think, there's more to life than a break up, it's not the end, life goes on and that actually helped me break off contact completely. I needed to heal for myself.

 

So since then, I've been dating, I put myself out there just to see what happens really, and I'm currently seeing a girl. At first it was really hard but I told her everything from the start and even how I still feel a bit down sometimes and that I'm trying my best to move forward. So I haven't lead her on in any way. The relationship is going well but I'm all for taking it slow and she's aware of that too. It's nice to know there can be someone else out there, even if you don't think there is. I'm not saying this girl is the one or anything like that, I'm just being open and just focusing on being as positive as I can.

 

there's only one more obstacle that's facing me and that's August 7th the day that was meant to be mine and my ex wedding day. I still think about the what ifs and then put it to the back of my mind, it's going to be a very strange and surreal day. If I do reach out to her which I'm not enitirely sure if I will or if I want to, depends on how I feel. I just want to keep it light hearted and maybe say, today was tough but you made the best decision and I wish you all the happiness in the world. something like that. I might wait and see if she talks first though, I know she already booked to travel with her friend when we just broke up to get away for that particular date so I'm sure she will be thinking about the day. She's still with the guy that she got with 3 weeks after our split and it doesn't really bother me all that much, I think no contact is the best medicine, it gives you a chance to breathe and think clearly. My brain was absolutely fryed and clogged with so much ****.

 

I'm still on anti depressants although I do question whether they've made a difference or not. its been 4 months on them and I may speak with my doctor as to if I should come off them now.

 

so overall i'd say if you're going through a break up.. it DOES get better and easier in TIME I absolutely promise you, believe me if I can get through it anyone can. This particularly unique situation I got in has been hideous, it ruined me, broke me mentally, emotionally and physically, it drained me. It almost cost me my job, my financial state is a mess with all the wedding cancelation fees I had to pay out (half each) but the last 2 months Id say theres been a change.. I'm now back on form with my work, my money is finally balanced again where I'm just ok financially, nothing amazing but doing fine. Put my 2 stone back on, and I feel like I can think clearly again.

 

Anyway this is probably boring and I may just be talking to myself. Break ups do suck, but in my case it wasn't meant to be and I guess I dodged a real bullet and maybe she did me a favour. I still wish her all the best in my mind, I cant hate anyone or anything.

 

If you're going through a break up please read this, there is hope for you.

 

Zak

[LD1990]

there's only one more obstacle that's facing me and that's August 7th the day that was meant to be mine and my ex wedding day. I still think about the what ifs and then put it to the back of my mind, it's going to be a very strange and surreal day. If I do reach out to her which I'm not enitirely sure if I will or if I want to, depends on how I feel. I just want to keep it light hearted and maybe say, today was tough but you made the best decision and I wish you all the happiness in the world.

 

Why on Earth would you do that? She's not part of your life anymore. You've had more than enough chats with this girl. You two didn't get married, which means August 7th is just another day.

 

I just don't understand why anyone would want to bring up a painful thought (this was supposed to be our wedding day) with an ex who has already caused so much pain. What do you get out of this? What do you get out of wishing her well?

 

Screw the sad conversations and screw moping around. Spend the day having fun. Hell, go to a strip club or nail some other woman in honor of the fact that you aren't married.