Myositis Posted March 19, 2016 Posted March 19, 2016 My gf (21F) broke up with me (23M) 2 weeks ago after a 5 year relationship, with us living together for 2 ½ years). Five days before BU day someone she kind of knew during high school messaged her on FB and eventually asked to hang out with her. He was acting like the nicest person in the world. I told her its fine if she wants to try and make new friends, but don’t hang out alone with him. Once she told him itd be inappropriate to hang out alone, he asked her if I wanted to come too and itd be the three of us. Maybe I was wrong, but I thought that was kind of odd that he wanted to hang out with a couple. She barely knew him and I didn’t know him, hed be a third wheel so why would he seek that? I could see a group hanging out but I felt uncomfortable with his willingness. I said I didn’t want to and she could ask some of her female friends if they wanted to. This made him look like someone reaching out and being friendly by trying to be social, and made me look like a bad guy (I have a past reason to be cautious about her hanging out with old friends who are male, nothing serious but a minor betrayal). What ended up happening was she said to herself “im a grown woman and I can make my own choices” and hung out alone with him anyways a couple of days later. I found this out because I asked permission if I could read her messages (ive never asked/done this before) and she said “yes but don’t bother me about it until the morning” as she was laying down. Well she surely knew what was in these messages so I don’t know how she expected me not to bother her about it. Reading it was incredibly heartbreaking and disappointing. He’d compliment her beauty over and over again, say how much he loved her hugs, and she even told him she was planning on breaking up with me. This person that just came into her life and she seemed to fall for something new. I always told her that new things seem better than what you currently have, as a way of telling her what I believe about loyalty and that id never betray her. A week after the break up she was insistent she never cheated on me but her timing in this happening and then breaking up with me was, in my opinion, incredibly cruel. Considering she was also screaming loudly at me during the breakup when I was freaking out in my head and panicking, but I never raised my voice. She handled everything very poorly when you consider our 5 year history of love, it was like she just didn’t care about my feelings all of a sudden. Not because of leaving me but all within minutes I found out she was hanging out with this guy, she broke up with me and was screaming at me about it all. Thinking back on it all triggers me a bit as it was emotionally devastating and confusing. Considering this guy was the topic of conversation right before the break up, I of course felt betrayed but she insists shes been wanting to do this for awhile and gave me reasons such a “I want to be independent”, “I don’t want a boyfriend right now”, “we want different things in life” , and “I dont want to settle down and live a grandmas life when im young”. All of these reasons I can honestly understand. I respect the idea of having time and space to focus on yourself, and we each individually work towards bettering our life and reaching our individual goals. However she also said she wants to experience other guys. Her wanting that, and the whole part with the other guy has caused me the most pain during the breakup. He’s out of town for 8 weeks (6 now) which has helped a lot. Apparently she doesn’t even like him anymore as she thinks he was using her to make another girl jealous, but im not really sure about it as I haven’t focused on her going ons since we broke up. The timeline of our communication since the breakup has been more level headed. We met up a week after to discuss what we both wanted moving forward and we arrived at the mutual conclusion that we should both work on our own lives, and that neither of us want to find happiness in another person but learn to be happy with our own self and see what the future holds. This was satisfying for me, and we didn’t talk again for four days. Two days ago I went over to help her sort out some of my things to store away and after talking about things between us, she repeated that she wants to experience new guys, I basically set up an emotional barrier to protect myself and acted angry and rushed to wrap things up at her place. I told her something along the lines of “if thats what you want I never want to hear from you again”. She replied something like “you cant say what youll want in the future”, almost like she wants to have hope in her mind that even if she did it I would forgive her in the future. I said something that made her say “I thought you said that you never want me to text/call you?” and I said “well we’re not going to talk in the near future no matter what because we need our space, but if you do decide to do something with another person then we wont see each other again and don’t ever reach out to communicate with me”. The point I was trying to make with her, that I don’t know if I was clear about is that I agree completely that we should focus on our own lives, and maybe we’ll come out of it with a better appreciation for each other. But I cannot accept her back if she does do anything sexual with another guy. I took her virginity ( I did it 3 times with one person before I knew her). I understand the need to experiment, but its not something I can accept because as another poster said “i have come realize i don't believe in second chances in relationships, if the other person has been with someone else, reason being because when any individual bails on a relationship they have given on their partner and thrown in the towel to find that "greener grass" BUT i do believe in space in a relationship because everyone needs space to focus on themselves may takes weeks or months, but keeping their partner in mind and not partying or ****ing someone else but to enhance themselves and develop independence all relationship problems can be discussed if both individuals are at that maturity level, and maybe a few days of NC will do you both some good. Obviously if your ex is wanting to explore different people and avenues she doesn't love you enough to stay in the relationship Breaking up with someone to **** other is just a slippery way of cheating. Agreed?” I just dont know if I made the sentiment in the above quote clear. I still love her and want to live my life with her. In the last verbal dialogue that I posted above I basically said it, but everything happened so fast and I don’t know if it was clear to her. Should I email her something regarding it? I feel like if I email her now she wont even care, but a month down the line maybe she will? If i do email her about it eventually, it will be the last thing I say to her until (if) she ever reaches out to me, but in the meantime id move on with my life (just not in a relationship with anyone). Or should I just do NC and potentially we’ll never talk or see each other again. Should I just totally give up worrying about it, and if she does do something with that guy or with somebody then we just weren’t meant to be? It’s a tough choice and id love to have everyone opinion on my story and moving forward. 1
Author Myositis Posted March 19, 2016 Author Posted March 19, 2016 (edited) For the record, I texted her right after I left and our texts were a lot nicer I said “Ill always love you because we grew up together. We made eachother who we are today, and im sorry you drifted apart from me. I hope you find whatever it is you want out of life. Im grateful you were a part of mine. Goodbye *name*" She replied “Ill always love you too *name*, you are the reason im alive today and youll always be in my heart no matter what. I just need to find my self and know what I want out of life before I can ever settle down, I need to experience life and explore the world. I hope one day we can be friends cause that’s what I want." I said “I hope you don’t find that you had what you wanted all along. I cant go from lifelong partners to friends. This is the end of any relationship we will have in this life.” She said “Well I hope we can at the very least be friendly when and if we see each other in the future” And that was our last communication. Nothing really about how I feel regarding future potential of us being together, but i did show i care about her but moving on *edit The thing where she says im the reason shes alive today is because 1 year and 3 months ago she was hospitalized for a month and was honestly near death from her autoimmune disease. Myself and her eventually figured out that the antibiotics the doctors had her on caused the excessive inflammation, and once she was off of them the exaggerated symptoms died down a bit. I also stayed up all night one night so i would for sure be there early in the morning to convince the doctor to give her IVIG treatments. Shes still is a bit ill, which is part of the reason we have layed low the last year but I guess she was discontent about that. Even when her skin and everything was swelled and rashed up, i loved her the same. She has had patchy red skin ever since but i never cared because of our emotional connection. She still has natural beauty despite her illness. And despite everything i admire her courage for wanting to find her independence when she isnt 100% healthy, but also think she is kind of naive if she wants to explore the world right now. I also feel kind of betrayed that I stuck with her through her worse, but now that shes progressing in her healing she wants to find herself. Edited March 19, 2016 by Myositis
Satu Posted March 19, 2016 Posted March 19, 2016 Now that she's stated that she wants to 'experience other guys,' the best thing you can do for yourself is to go permanent NC, because: 1. It protects you from further hurt. 2. It allows you to heal from the breakup without being distracted by your ex. *No direct contact. *No sending or receiving of messages. *Block any means she might use to contact you. *No replies to anything that gets through your blocks. *No indirect contact through third parties. *De-friend or delete from all social media. *No monitoring of her on social media. *No 'little birds' feeding you news. *Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying. Take care.
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