I am the WS. My Story - Losing Hope

[ShamefulPig]

Forgive me I am new here so I am learning all the abbreviations.

 

I came across this forum in hopes of finding advice on how to heal and move forward. I must say reading this forum is both encouraging and discouraging seeing how much pain still exists years from d-day. I only wish I somehow read these stories months ago and perhaps it would have prevented me from making the worst mistake of my life.

 

The following is my story:

I have been married to my wife for over 10+ years and we know have been together for 18+. We were childhood friends who have been together since high school. We were both each other's first. One would say we had the perfect storybook love story. Everything was great even after being together for 18+ years; we had fun, we laughed, we cuddled, we cooked, we were silly... We really had that special bond and we were romantic and passionate and loved to spend every single moment with each other.

 

Having an affair is not something that I would have ever thought in a million years would happen to me or something I could ever do. I never imagined in a million years I would hurt the love of my life like this. Let's go back 6 months..

 

I have always been very successful in my career. I became a leader at a very young age and I was well respected within the organization. I felt proud of my accomplishments and my career and work was something I viewed as part of my identity. Last year my entire team and myself included was laid off. I don't know why but I didn't even tell my wife about this at first. I felt ashamed.. I felt useless.. I felt like a failure.. Won't go into details but I became very depressed. I now realize I'm not a strong person emotionally and I dug my self a deeper and deeper hole. I became emotionally distant and lost interest in all the things I found joy in before.

 

During an interview I met the OW. At first it was just an interview but a week later she contacted me again and wanted to follow up with me on another opportunity. I met her for coffee and we discussed other possibities. She added me to a chat app and we started talking online. She later asked me out to lunch again and I went. I was just so depressed with my life that it felt like a distraction.. We chatted for 3 months and she found out I was married but it didn't seem to matter. SHe asked me to go on a trip with her in December and I lied to my wife I had a business trip. I can't believe I this even typing this out it's just seems so dispicable and surreal that I could do something so cruel now. I spent 3 days with the OW and things turned into a PA.

 

Finding Out: WHen I got back my wife saw emails and pictures I had left behind. She confronted me but instead of coming clean I lied to cover things up. This went on for a few days with each new discovery I lied to cover up. This went on for 4 days before everything came out. I can not believe I did not have the courage to even come clean. I was a corward and now I am suffering the consequences. Worst thing D-day is Xmas week. Her favorite holiday. I can't stand that I have destroyed that for her as well.

 

We are now 3 months out and struggling. She has lost interest in life and has gone into depression. Every little thing is a trigger and I feel hopeless, shameful, guilty, remorseful. I miss our old happy silly lives so much. We have nothing to look forward to now. All there is pain, sadness, anger and a dark cloud hanging over us everywhere we go. Life really has become a hell and I don't know if we can make it through this. I've seen a side of hurt and anger I've never imagined out of her. Everything just seem so over now..

 

Sorry about the random rumbling. Just typed what came to mind.. I'm lost...

[MidnightBlue1980]

Forgive me I am new here so I am learning all the abbreviations.

 

I came across this forum in hopes of finding advice on how to heal and move forward. I must say reading this forum is both encouraging and discouraging seeing how much pain still exists years from d-day. I only wish I somehow read these stories months ago and perhaps it would have prevented me from making the worst mistake of my life.

 

The following is my story:

I have been married to my wife for over 10+ years and we know have been together for 18+. We were childhood friends who have been together since high school. We were both each other's first. One would say we had the perfect storybook love story. Everything was great even after being together for 18+ years; we had fun, we laughed, we cuddled, we cooked, we were silly... We really had that special bond and we were romantic and passionate and loved to spend every single moment with each other.

 

Having an affair is not something that I would have ever thought in a million years would happen to me or something I could ever do. I never imagined in a million years I would hurt the love of my life like this. Let's go back 6 months..

 

I have always been very successful in my career. I became a leader at a very young age and I was well respected within the organization. I felt proud of my accomplishments and my career and work was something I viewed as part of my identity. Last year my entire team and myself included was laid off. I don't know why but I didn't even tell my wife about this at first. I felt ashamed.. I felt useless.. I felt like a failure.. Won't go into details but I became very depressed. I now realize I'm not a strong person emotionally and I dug my self a deeper and deeper hole. I became emotionally distant and lost interest in all the things I found joy in before.

 

During an interview I met the OW. At first it was just an interview but a week later she contacted me again and wanted to follow up with me on another opportunity. I met her for coffee and we discussed other possibities. She added me to a chat app and we started talking online. She later asked me out to lunch again and I went. I was just so depressed with my life that it felt like a distraction.. We chatted for 3 months and she found out I was married but it didn't seem to matter. SHe asked me to go on a trip with her in December and I lied to my wife I had a business trip. I can't believe I this even typing this out it's just seems so dispicable and surreal that I could do something so cruel now. I spent 3 days with the OW and things turned into a PA.

 

Finding Out: WHen I got back my wife saw emails and pictures I had left behind. She confronted me but instead of coming clean I lied to cover things up. This went on for a few days with each new discovery I lied to cover up. This went on for 4 days before everything came out. I can not believe I did not have the courage to even come clean. I was a corward and now I am suffering the consequences. Worst thing D-day is Xmas week. Her favorite holiday. I can't stand that I have destroyed that for her as well.

 

We are now 3 months out and struggling. She has lost interest in life and has gone into depression. Every little thing is a trigger and I feel hopeless, shameful, guilty, remorseful. I miss our old happy silly lives so much. We have nothing to look forward to now. All there is pain, sadness, anger and a dark cloud hanging over us everywhere we go. Life really has become a hell and I don't know if we can make it through this. I've seen a side of hurt and anger I've never imagined out of her. Everything just seem so over now..

 

Sorry about the random rumbling. Just typed what came to mind.. I'm lost...

 

You seem to put the blame on the OW and outside circumstances, playing the victim role, as if this is something that happened to you. You went to lunch, talked with the OW, and went on the trip. I'm not being harsh, just stating what I see. I am also a WS and a BS and it's really important to own what you did and understand why. Nothing is as simple as it seems. Your marriage was probably not perfect, it is just your guilt talking now. If you want to fix things, you need to understand what happened and why.

 

I'm not judging, I'd be happy to share if you are interested.

[ShamefulPig]

No, I am not blaming the OW. I take full responsibility on what happened. In fact when it was first discovered I felt like I owed the OW an apology too.. I completely felt this thing is 100% my fault. It's only later that I started discovering that the OW was not truthful with me about her past as well.

 

As far as counseling.. We have gone to a few sessions but they don't seem to help. THe anger and questioning of and interrogation from my wife has been constant.. I've been doing my best on being 100% truthful .. Even when she wants to know the details.

 

There have been tiny moments where there seemed to be some hope but those moments were short lived. We are living in a hell that we can't get out of now. Our marriage was perfect.. Everything was perfect for 18+ years.. Well nothing is perfect but it felt that way.. And I just miss being happy with her so badly.. I can't believe I've done this and I really want to do everything I can to save our marriage.

[Satu]

Have you told her everything, and answered her questions 100% truthfully?

 

Have you ended things with the OW completely?

[ShamefulPig]

Yes, contact with the OW ended immediately

[Ladyjane14]

If you're having trouble talking about it, then I would suggest marriage counseling. If you're talking, but having trouble nailing down the pre-affair issues, then extensive reading might be the thing. Recommended reading.. "Not Just Friends" Shirley Glass, After the Affair Janice Spring How Do I Get Through To You Terrence Real, What Makes Love Last John Gottman, Getting Past the Affair Snyder and Baucam.

 

You're going to need to prove that you understand how badly you've ****ed up. And there's nothing like education to prove it.

[Satu]

snip

*And I just miss being happy with her so badly.. I can't believe I've done this and I really want to do everything I can to save our marriage.

 

*You should accept the fact that your relationship can't ever be returned to it's pre-infidelity state. That will never happen.

 

It might be salvageable, but it will never be as it was.

 

When your wife asked you why you did it, what did you say?

[BuddyX]

"I've seen a side of hurt and anger I've never imagined out of her."

 

Umm, what do you expect? You stabbed her in the back.

 

Stop saying "I can't believe I've done this". The Relationship with the OW went on for months (EA and/or PA). You had ample opportunity to stop, you choose not to. And you lied when faced with facts.

 

You'll never regain her full trust. Yes, she will ask you about everything. Yes, you will walk on egg shells for months/years. But if you want to stay in it, you have to suck it up.

[Satu]

Just to clarify terms:

 

What you did was not a 'mistake, or something that 'happened to you.' it was something you chose to do; something you wanted to do.

 

But you got caught, and there's the rub.

[whichwayisup]

No, I am not blaming the OW. I take full responsibility on what happened. In fact when it was first discovered I felt like I owed the OW an apology too.. I completely felt this thing is 100% my fault. It's only later that I started discovering that the OW was not truthful with me about her past as well.

 

In what way? was she married too, or dating someone?

 

As far as counseling.. We have gone to a few sessions but they don't seem to help. THe anger and questioning of and interrogation from my wife has been constant.. I've been doing my best on being 100% truthful .. Even when she wants to know the details.

 

There have been tiny moments where there seemed to be some hope but those moments were short lived. We are living in a hell that we can't get out of now. Our marriage was perfect.. Everything was perfect for 18+ years.. Well nothing is perfect but it felt that way.. And I just miss being happy with her so badly.. I can't believe I've done this and I really want to do everything I can to save our marriage.

 

You really messed up. Choosing to not trust that your wife would help you, love you and support you when you lost your job...Hiding that was your first big mistake. Then not getting help while you were depressed. Your choices were bad, leaning on and rely on an OW to make you feel better - THAT is something your wife is extremely upset about, you turned to someone else to make you feel better instead of her. Then the A.... You lied, denied until the evidence smacked you in the face, making all the love , respect and trust she once had in you disappear.... You chose to not own it right away which in turn has made it harder for your wife to forgive you or even begin to give you a chance to work it out.

 

Look, own it all, tell her anything that she needs to know even if it hurts to hear. Go to counseling on your own and fix the broken parts of you. Prove to your wife that you are worthy of a second chance. that you are willing to do everything she asks and be a total open book.

 

 

Another option is, move out and let your wife know that you two can do marriage counseling together and it's up to her if/when you move back home.

 

And if the exOW tries to contact you, rule is you tell your wife asap, no hiding anything.

Edited March 19, 2016 by whichwayisup

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't know why but I didn't even tell my wife about this at first. I felt ashamed.. I felt useless.. I felt like a failure.. Won't go into details but I became very depressed. I now realize I'm not a strong person emotionally and I dug my self a deeper and deeper hole. I became emotionally distant and lost interest in all the things I found joy in before.

 

In addition to the betrayal, I'd guess your W struggles with feeling conned also.

 

If I'm understanding you, rather than confide in your spouse when you were laid off, you left the house every day and pretended to be employed? How long did this go on for?

 

One would say we had the perfect storybook love story. Everything was great even after being together for 18+ years; we had fun, we laughed, we cuddled, we cooked, we were silly... We really had that special bond and we were romantic and passionate and loved to spend every single moment with each other.

 

An unrealistic portrayal of any marriage and certainly of yours. In a "perfect" marriage, spouses trust each other enough to be vulnerable and they face problems together. And (almost forgot), they don't cheat .

 

Seeing yourself, your wife and your relationship in an honest light, strengths and weaknesses, warts and all, will be an important part in your recovery - if it is to occur.

 

You've made the choices to this point, your BS's turn now...

 

Mr. Lucky

[heartwhole]

Wow, this is amazingly similar to my story, except I am the BW (and my husband did not lose his job).

 

I'm glad to hear that you are both in counseling. It sounds like one or both of you could be suffering from depression. Make sure you reach out to your doctor if you have feelings of hopelessness.

 

The sad consequence of infidelity is that the affair happens in the context of a very stressful time in a marriage. Then the discovery of the affair makes that stress tenfold. You were trying to escape your stress and woke up to find you had created so much more of it. Now you must dig deep inside yourself to find the strength to work on yourselves and your marriage.

 

I highly recommend the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal by Linda J. MacDonald. If you google it, you can find the PDF for free download. It's a very short read and gives you concrete steps to help your wife.

 

It's important to have hope. You have some things going for you: you love your wife, you ended the affair, you do not have a long of history of consistent lying and cheating. What you have going against you is something you can control . . . you!

 

In our dynamic, which sounds similar to yours, my husband had a very difficult time supporting me emotionally. Historically he was needier emotionally simply due to personality. I am pretty independent and analytical. But in order for us to come out of this stronger *together*, I need to feel all of that sadness and anger without him retreating into his shell. I need him to acknowledge and honor the pain with me so that each day I can let a little more of it go. It also teaches me that even though the going got tough and he chose escapism with a secret girlfriend instead of facing our problems, that now when the going gets tough, he's going to stand strong and stay put.

 

Can you stand strong and stay put?

 

Please remember that this will take a long time to heal from. We are 11 months out and last night I cried in his arms about it. At first my husband was very impatient with how long it was taking me to heal. He was ready to look ahead, not to the past. But that would just mean sweeping it under the rug. If you've ever lost a family member, then you know that you will process your grief for a long time. It wouldn't be helpful if someone said, "It's been three months. Why are you still crying over your mom?" The traditional wisdom is that it will take at least 18 months and up to five years to heal from infidelity.

 

Like you, I thought our marriage was pretty good before the affair. It's easy to look back at things and think they were perfect, but in hindsight, I've seen the coping and communication skills we both lacked that can be improved. Use this as an opportunity to become a happier, healthier adult. I'm not the one who cheated but I can still ways that I could communicate better and prioritize better.

 

You feel that marriage counseling hasn't been helpful because your wife is angry in all of them. It sounds like she is saving up all of her questions for MC -- could you provide a safe space for her to question you when you're not in MC too? Just letting her know that she can ask them any time she wants (you can ask for fair warning, like tell you in the morning that she wants to talk that night) might speed the process up. But keep in mind that anger is a natural response; it's a part of grief. So when she is angry during MC, it doesn't mean that no progress is being made. It means that she is doing the emotional work necessary to heal and move forward. It seems counterintuitive, but the anger is a good thing.

 

I would encourage you to seek individual counseling as well for both of you. You do have big questions to ask yourself concerning your instinct to lie when you got fired and your tendency to escape, compartmentalize, and blame others or external forces for your choices.

 

There IS hope. But the path to a happier, healthier you and a happier, healthier marriage requires a lot of emotional work. There are no short-cuts.

[Mrs. John Adams]

It takes a lifetime to recover from infidelity....and even then the scars will forever remain. Reconciliation takes every day the rest of your life.

 

You do not wake up one day and say...we are reconciled. We are 33 years into our reconciliation.

 

The Macdonald book is the best advice I know of....for both the ws and the bs to read...it spells it out step by step....however if the WS is not open it doesn't always speak to them. I do suggest reading it.....sometimes over and over.

 

Shamefulpig is pretty vague in some of his story....we don't know any steps already taken and the reaction by his bs to those steps....if there are any.

[Joie]

Wow, this is amazingly similar to my story, except I am the BW (and my husband did not lose his job).

 

I'm glad to hear that you are both in counseling. It sounds like one or both of you could be suffering from depression. Make sure you reach out to your doctor if you have feelings of hopelessness.

 

...

 

There IS hope. But the path to a happier, healthier you and a happier, healthier marriage requires a lot of emotional work. There are no short-cuts.

 

Like Heartwhole my marriage also sounds very similar to yours. Please read her post. I think her advice is the most on point for your situation.

 

I know it feels like it may never end but it really does get better.

[Satu]

Infidelity is very definitely a life-changing event.

 

Nothing is ever the same after it.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Like Heartwhole my marriage also sounds very similar to yours. Please read her post. I think her advice is the most on point for your situation.

 

I know it feels like it may never end but it really does get better.

 

It gets better only if both people are working to rebuild the relationship and working toward healing.

 

It takes a very long time to even begin to heal...it takes a very long time to even begin to recover from the shock that infidelity causes.

 

There are many stages of grieving one goes through when a spouse betrays you....and there is no shortcut to those steps.

 

You are dealing with 2 very broken people...who are not on the same page for a good long while.

 

Despite, forums and therapists and books....it just takes a lot of time.....and it takes hits and misses....and in many cases....when one of you thinks you have made tremendous progress with 2 steps forward...reality sets in and you take 2 steps back.

 

This is reality....there are many here on LS who have been in Reconciliation a long time.....While there are those who think they may be doing great....reality sets in...like a revenge affair....or a WS who cheats yet again.

 

this is no easy process...and it takes a lifetime. When I read about instant remorse...I get an uneasy feeling...because in most cases...a wayward has absolutely no idea what true remorse is.....and healing cannot truly begin for the betrayed until a wayward understands the true reality of what they have done.

[ShamefulPig]

If you're having trouble talking about it, then I would suggest marriage counseling. If you're talking, but having trouble nailing down the pre-affair issues, then extensive reading might be the thing. Recommended reading.. "Not Just Friends" Shirley Glass, After the Affair Janice Spring How Do I Get Through To You Terrence Real, What Makes Love Last John Gottman, Getting Past the Affair Snyder and Baucam.

 

You're going to need to prove that you understand how badly you've ****ed up. And there's nothing like education to prove it.

 

I have been doing extensive reading all over the web. We have both read parts of After the Affair. I have definitely f'd up bad and ruined our lives. Trying to stay strong and do what I can to support us and her especially.

[Satu]

I have been doing extensive reading all over the web. We have both read parts of After the Affair. I have definitely f'd up bad and ruined our lives. Trying to stay strong and do what I can to support us and her especially.

 

I'm glad you returned; I was wondering if you'd bailed out.

 

Give this your best.

 

Proceed with goodwill and hope.

[ShamefulPig]

In what way? was she married too, or dating someone?

 

 

 

You really messed up. Choosing to not trust that your wife would help you, love you and support you when you lost your job...Hiding that was your first big mistake. Then not getting help while you were depressed. Your choices were bad, leaning on and rely on an OW to make you feel better - THAT is something your wife is extremely upset about, you turned to someone else to make you feel better instead of her. Then the A.... You lied, denied until the evidence smacked you in the face, making all the love , respect and trust she once had in you disappear.... You chose to not own it right away which in turn has made it harder for your wife to forgive you or even begin to give you a chance to work it out.

 

Look, own it all, tell her anything that she needs to know even if it hurts to hear. Go to counseling on your own and fix the broken parts of you. Prove to your wife that you are worthy of a second chance. that you are willing to do everything she asks and be a total open book.

 

 

Another option is, move out and let your wife know that you two can do marriage counseling together and it's up to her if/when you move back home.

 

And if the exOW tries to contact you, rule is you tell your wife asap, no hiding anything.

 

I have never been one that shared my feelings. I always kept things inside of me and to myself. I grew up like this. I did not share my emotions, feelings, etc with my family or loved ones. What my wife and I did share was lots of happiness joy and fun. I guess I painted the illusion everything was perfect. We rarely ever argued. Everything was just peachy. Went to movies, out to dinner, held hands, hugged, kissed everywhere we went for 18+ years.

 

As for your other question.. The OW had previously been with another married person, also small things she told me about herself turned out to be untrue. She also is a bit of narcissist with her blogs/social media sites filled with just pictures of herself in bikinis in various poses.

 

If the exOW makes any contact with me yes the first thing I would do is not answer and tell my wife asap.

[ShamefulPig]

I'm glad you returned; I was wondering if you'd bailed out.

 

Give this your best.

 

Proceed with goodwill and hope.

 

I have not bailed out.. Reading through all the advice.. I need to face my harsh reality. THank you everyone for the suggestions/advice.

[ShamefulPig]

Wow, this is amazingly similar to my story, except I am the BW (and my husband did not lose his job).

 

I'm glad to hear that you are both in counseling. It sounds like one or both of you could be suffering from depression. Make sure you reach out to your doctor if you have feelings of hopelessness.

 

The sad consequence of infidelity is that the affair happens in the context of a very stressful time in a marriage. Then the discovery of the affair makes that stress tenfold. You were trying to escape your stress and woke up to find you had created so much more of it. Now you must dig deep inside yourself to find the strength to work on yourselves and your marriage.

 

I highly recommend the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal by Linda J. MacDonald. If you google it, you can find the PDF for free download. It's a very short read and gives you concrete steps to help your wife.

 

It's important to have hope. You have some things going for you: you love your wife, you ended the affair, you do not have a long of history of consistent lying and cheating. What you have going against you is something you can control . . . you!

 

In our dynamic, which sounds similar to yours, my husband had a very difficult time supporting me emotionally. Historically he was needier emotionally simply due to personality. I am pretty independent and analytical. But in order for us to come out of this stronger *together*, I need to feel all of that sadness and anger without him retreating into his shell. I need him to acknowledge and honor the pain with me so that each day I can let a little more of it go. It also teaches me that even though the going got tough and he chose escapism with a secret girlfriend instead of facing our problems, that now when the going gets tough, he's going to stand strong and stay put.

 

Can you stand strong and stay put?

 

Please remember that this will take a long time to heal from. We are 11 months out and last night I cried in his arms about it. At first my husband was very impatient with how long it was taking me to heal. He was ready to look ahead, not to the past. But that would just mean sweeping it under the rug. If you've ever lost a family member, then you know that you will process your grief for a long time. It wouldn't be helpful if someone said, "It's been three months. Why are you still crying over your mom?" The traditional wisdom is that it will take at least 18 months and up to five years to heal from infidelity.

 

Like you, I thought our marriage was pretty good before the affair. It's easy to look back at things and think they were perfect, but in hindsight, I've seen the coping and communication skills we both lacked that can be improved. Use this as an opportunity to become a happier, healthier adult. I'm not the one who cheated but I can still ways that I could communicate better and prioritize better.

 

You feel that marriage counseling hasn't been helpful because your wife is angry in all of them. It sounds like she is saving up all of her questions for MC -- could you provide a safe space for her to question you when you're not in MC too? Just letting her know that she can ask them any time she wants (you can ask for fair warning, like tell you in the morning that she wants to talk that night) might speed the process up. But keep in mind that anger is a natural response; it's a part of grief. So when she is angry during MC, it doesn't mean that no progress is being made. It means that she is doing the emotional work necessary to heal and move forward. It seems counterintuitive, but the anger is a good thing.

 

I would encourage you to seek individual counseling as well for both of you. You do have big questions to ask yourself concerning your instinct to lie when you got fired and your tendency to escape, compartmentalize, and blame others or external forces for your choices.

 

There IS hope. But the path to a happier, healthier you and a happier, healthier marriage requires a lot of emotional work. There are no short-cuts.

 

 

THank you for the words of encouragement. It's not just a roller coaster ride for her but for myself. One moment I feel there is some potential and some hope with the next minutes I feel it's all but lost seeing how much pain I have caused. We have been to two counselors and even tough it doesn't seem to help much on the surface I feel it does a bit. But she just told me last night she wants stop going because they don't help. Things were getting a bit better but the last few days we took a step back. She left the house and spent two nights in a hotel and didn't tell me where. She needed to get away. Almost every single day for the past 3 months is we wake up and we talk about my horrible decisions and choice. She interrogates me and the whole day passes and we start over the next day. I've been trying to make sure we eat and stay healthy but it's been tough.

 

Someone asked about what I did say when she asked about the "why". This part has been tough when she keeps asking about the intimate details. FOr example why did I kiss her back? As for the overall why. Yes, I was really depressed and I made myself more depressed by digging myself a deeper hole. I felt like I lost the purpose in my life and felt life was meaningless. When I met the OW it felt like a escape, a bit of a distraction from my reality. It started off just as talking before it led down my dark path.

 

Advice needed from people on here.. I've been cooperative when she wants to ask the intimate details. It even pains and shames me to think of what I did now but I've told her the detail actions. My question is I read some times these detail don't help.. But I've read both sides.. Any advice here?

[Mrs. John Adams]

As for your other question.. The OW had previously been with another married person, also small things she told me about herself turned out to be untrue. She also is a bit of narcissist with her blogs/social media sites filled with just pictures of herself in bikinis in various poses.

 

There is no one more narcissistic than a cheater. Concentrate on YOU instead of the other woman. Don't give yourself excuses for what you have done....and stop blaming anyone but yourself.

 

You are responsible for your choice to cheat...it is 100% your fault.

 

Accepting that responsibility is the first step....

 

The second is becoming absolutely transparent to your wife. All passwords, accounts, where you are going, who you are with...etc. This begins to rebuild trust.

 

You have only just begun ......

 

Answer all of her questions...HONESTLY....give her the information she asks for. If she wants more details give her what she wants. But let her do the asking. Do not disclose more information than she can handle. She will ask when she needs to know.

Edited March 19, 2016 by Mrs. John Adams

[Satu]

but I've told her the detail actions. My question is I read some times these detail don't help.. But I've read both sides.. Any advice here?

 

You have to let her go through her process, and if that involves you answering any and all questions she puts to you, you should answer.

[ShamefulPig]

As for your other question.. The OW had previously been with another married person, also small things she told me about herself turned out to be untrue. She also is a bit of narcissist with her blogs/social media sites filled with just pictures of herself in bikinis in various poses.

 

There is no one more narcissistic than a cheater. Concentrate on YOU instead of the other woman. Don't give yourself excuses for what you have done....and stop blaming anyone but yourself.

 

You are responsible for your choice to cheat...it is 100% your fault.

 

Accepting that responsibility is the first step....

 

The second is becoming absolutely transparent to your wife. All passwords, accounts, where you are going, who you are with...etc. This begins to rebuild trust.

 

You have only just begun ......

 

Answer all of her questions...HONESTLY....give her the information she asks for. If she wants more details give her what she wants. But let her do the asking. Do not disclose more information than she can handle. She will ask when she needs to know.

 

I do blame myself.. I blame myself and hold myself 100% accountable.

 

I have done all the things you listed above.. All passwords, accounts, access to email, phone, text, etc. I have turned on GPS tracking on my phone so she can see where I am. I want to be a complete open book.

[ShamefulPig]

Losing hope.. When she got back from her 2 day escape things have gotten worse.. She is not getting out of bed today.. And we have been holding each other crying.. One minute we are holding each other then the next she is filled with rage.. I'm taking it all and trying to be as strong as I can.. She has always been stronger than I am emotionally.. I'm so afraid I'm not strong enough. .there are times where I feel like giving up that what I did has ruined us forever. Right now feels like one of those times.