Bigmess2 Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 So long story short.... I dated a guy for about 8 months. Not in a serious relationship but seeing each other every week, hooking up, hanging out with his friends, going on 2 little trips with him, talking almost everyday. A few days after Christmas he out of the blue stopped contacting me. And I'm usually the one that says if someone wants to talk to you then they will so I didn't contact him either. A month later he texts me apologizing that I'm the best thing he could have ever wished for that he's sorry for not communicating with me and that he would love to have the opportunity to talk to me again.. We had plans to hang out after a week of talking again he told me he couldn't wait to explore the new town I just moved to with me and then a snow storm came, plans had to get cancelled. He was pulling away again so I said I thought you wanted to talk to me again I haven't been hearing from you much? He said you're right I'm gonna step it up. we talked for the remainder of the day and then he was gone again. That was February 8th.... And I know I should be like eff him and move on but I'm so confused and hurt that he can just leave without any explanation. We work together and when we pass each other in the halls we don't make eye contact. It really hurts. I'm sure there's someone else involved and that's why he pulled away but I thought he'd respect me enough to at least put me down gently. I just need some sort of closure. I was thinking of texting him and saying I know it's been a while and that I'm hurt that we stopped talking but that I was hoping that we could remain friends at least for the sake of being cordial and normal at work. Should I text or just leave it be? Usually I'm good with no contact.... But this time I just can't stop thinking about it.
alphamale Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 Should I text or just leave it be? just leave it be and move on 2
Emilia Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 If you are absolutely sure it was him pulling away rather than you (ie you weren't playing games) you need to leave it alone. If I like a guy and he isn't stepping it up, I leave quite early precisely for this reason. Try not to have any contact. It will get better, it isn't possible to get closure. You have to move on. 1
alphamale Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 If I like a guy and he isn't stepping it up... what do you mean by "stepping up"?
Zahara Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 It's hard to handle rejection, especially since he's done it to you twice. Even the second time around his contact was fading and you had to remind him to step it up. It's all not a surprise anymore as this has been a pattern. Let it go. Closure -- it's not something he can give you. It's you accepting it for what it is. 1
Emilia Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 what do you mean by "stepping up"? Indicating that he is interested in getting serious. It sounds to me that the OP liked the guy and perhaps shouldn't have kept seeing him for such a long time casually.
alphamale Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 Indicating that he is interested in getting serious. It sounds to me that the OP liked the guy and perhaps shouldn't have kept seeing him for such a long time casually. i agree 1
TXGuy Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 what do you mean by "stepping up"? Doing all of the work.
ff12343 Posted March 19, 2016 Posted March 19, 2016 Sounds like someone else may be in the picture. You can't stop thinking about him because he is manipulating you. This whole hot/cold and then ghosting is completely messed up. You need to be strong and NEVER text him. As far as work, make eye contact and say hello to be professional if possible. It may even confuse him but you cannot text him. You can't trust someone like this. 2
Zippy2000 Posted March 19, 2016 Posted March 19, 2016 You need to be strong and NEVER text him. As far as work, make eye contact and say hello to be professional if possible. It may even confuse him but you cannot text him. You can't trust someone like this. I agree with this. I`d just leave it because you work together. Any hint of clingyness or being hard work relationship wise. Not only will he not give you any eye contact at work. He`ll probably flat out ignore you or avoid you. We dont know someone elses is involved. Maybe there is someone, but he should honest with you so you can move on. Its not right to leave anyone hanging on whenyou could of found someone right for you. Thats unfair.
Author Bigmess2 Posted March 19, 2016 Author Posted March 19, 2016 I appreciate all of your responses, thank you. It's definitely been a mind f*ck for me. I do have feelings for him and saw his potential so when he ghosted out the first time I was very hurt. When he came back apologizing I was so happy but that was short lived after he did it again. I don't understand what the point was for him to do that to me. To give me that false hope. I wish I could not care. I've been in very long serious relationships in the past and I feel like as hurt as I was when they were over I could at least move on because we communicated with each other and there was a point to why they ended. This whole ghosting thing really screws up a persons brain.
Emilia Posted March 19, 2016 Posted March 19, 2016 I appreciate all of your responses, thank you. It's definitely been a mind f*ck for me. I do have feelings for him and saw his potential so when he ghosted out the first time I was very hurt. When he came back apologizing I was so happy but that was short lived after he did it again. I don't understand what the point was for him to do that to me. To give me that false hope. I wish I could not care. I've been in very long serious relationships in the past and I feel like as hurt as I was when they were over I could at least move on because we communicated with each other and there was a point to why they ended. This whole ghosting thing really screws up a persons brain. Best way to avoid this is by not sticking around when you like the guy but he doesn't seem to want more. You can't convince him and you only grow more attached. As a woman you need to be strong and look after yourself. No-one else will. 2
Emilia Posted March 19, 2016 Posted March 19, 2016 Doing all of the work. Don't speak for me please. Thanks. 1
smudge21 Posted March 19, 2016 Posted March 19, 2016 I'll jump in on this one as I see similar things here. Sadly when someone is so off, on, off like this there's little you can do. I tried walking away. Tried talking to them. Tried being distant. Tried coming on strong. Sometimes nothing you do works because simply people are just people and no matter how much we feel they are perfect for us, they don't feel the same way. They may have some attraction, some interest, but it's never enough for them. You can only decide to do what is best for you, but totally walking away will be tough if they're still in your life. Also reaching out to them to ask to be friends, no... you shouldn't need to have to ask someone to remain in your life, friend or otherwise. Walk away or just accept the way it is and be polite but understanding that it probably won't be anything more than what it is now. 1
preraph Posted March 19, 2016 Posted March 19, 2016 He is no longer interested and he didn't want a confrontation. To him, that probably is letting you down gently. If he won't look at you at work, he definitely doesn't want you to text him or anything. Forget about him and move on. 1
stillafool Posted March 19, 2016 Posted March 19, 2016 I agree with preraph if he were at all still interested he would have made it known at work or contacted you. There is no easy way to let someone down. If he had said "I met another woman I like better and don't want to see you anymore." would that make you feel better? I know, sometimes it's best to be able to read between the lines.
xpaperxcutx Posted March 19, 2016 Posted March 19, 2016 The only way to get past this is to simply keep your chin up and walk past him like he is simply another employee you see everyday. Oh, and kill him with kindness. What he did to you was a low blow, but if you continue to emanate a feeling that you've been hurt, he will sense it and continue to avoid you. Yes, he probably found someone else and thus, ghosted on you, but you're better than him. So be kind, even when it hurts, and I promise you you're the better person for it. 1
Author Bigmess2 Posted March 20, 2016 Author Posted March 20, 2016 So oddly enough I had wanted to text him this weekend, then decided against it after thinking about all of your advice and then all the sudden my phone rings and its him.... He told me that he's sorry and that he knows he keeps ****ing up. He told me that he thinks to himself all the time about how I'm the one, how I've got everything he could possibly ever want, but for whatever reason it scares him so much. He said he's an avoidant lover and he doesn't know why. He told me he spoke to his mother and sister about the whole situation and they don't understand why he's this way either. He told me he wants to try but he always over thinks. I told him that I think he's got GIGS and he agreed with me. He said a lot of the time he thinks he's going to miss out on something else when really the grass is never greener. He also told me there was no one else and that anytime there could've been he thought about me and that stopped him, whether I wanted to believe him or not. I don't know how to feel about the situation. I don't understand why you can think someone's the one for you but be that scared. I don't understand it because I've never been in that situation before. He told me he's scared of hurting me before he even does and then that's what he thinks about. Something simple like if Hes having a busy day and he doesn't text me he feels guilty and feels like it hurts me, even tho I never voice that it hurts me. Idk... I can't explain how I'm feeling. Idk...
Emilia Posted March 20, 2016 Posted March 20, 2016 How hard is it going to be to cut contact with him? Because I think you should.
Bobbi7 Posted March 20, 2016 Posted March 20, 2016 Leave it alone and find a new guy. For me, I like blunt honestly not the fading out part. It drives me crazy.
Seteeri Posted March 20, 2016 Posted March 20, 2016 To summarize, you guys were friends with benefits, and as commonly happens, you fell for him. At this point, he's not ready to settle down - he needs to stay out in the pasture some more. I think for guys this is something they really need to be sure of before getting into a committed relationship. If I were you, I would keep a distance from him/be simply friends. Date other people, and maybe when/if he's ready, and you're available, you guys can try again.
Scarlett.O'hara Posted March 20, 2016 Posted March 20, 2016 So oddly enough I had wanted to text him this weekend, then decided against it after thinking about all of your advice and then all the sudden my phone rings and its him.... He told me that he's sorry and that he knows he keeps ****ing up. He told me that he thinks to himself all the time about how I'm the one, how I've got everything he could possibly ever want, but for whatever reason it scares him so much. He said he's an avoidant lover and he doesn't know why. He told me he spoke to his mother and sister about the whole situation and they don't understand why he's this way either. He told me he wants to try but he always over thinks. I told him that I think he's got GIGS and he agreed with me. He said a lot of the time he thinks he's going to miss out on something else when really the grass is never greener. He also told me there was no one else and that anytime there could've been he thought about me and that stopped him, whether I wanted to believe him or not. I don't know how to feel about the situation. I don't understand why you can think someone's the one for you but be that scared. I don't understand it because I've never been in that situation before. He told me he's scared of hurting me before he even does and then that's what he thinks about. Something simple like if Hes having a busy day and he doesn't text me he feels guilty and feels like it hurts me, even tho I never voice that it hurts me. Idk... I can't explain how I'm feeling. Idk... So he is afraid of hurting you so instead he gets your hopes up with sweet words about how special you are then disappears for weeks.. hmm.. My advice, stay away from him. Seriously! I wouldn't believe his pathetic excuses, he sounds completely insincere and likes playing games with you. He will continue this pattern over and over again as long as you allow him to do it. Try and think about this critically. If you become an official couple what kind of boyfriend are you going to get? A guy who is all talk but no action, constant disappointment and rejection.. why would you want that? It may be momentarily validating to finally receive a call from him, but is is really worth the drama? I strongly advise you to block his number and let him figure his issues on his own.
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