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Am I being abused? so lost

becky2701

By becky2701
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becky2701 New Member

becky2701

Posted
Posted

Hello everyone!

 

I'm hoping you can help me with an ongoing trouble/situation. It's starting to consume my thoughts and feel like I can't concentrate on my daily life. :mad:

 

I will try give you the short story.

 

March / April 2015: I had just ended a 2yr relationship with narcissist and started feeling good about myself, going to the gym feeling good about my body and landed a new career with a bank when come May I met a beautiful French man who crazily was living in my little town while he played rugby in England. I felt like it was fate, I felt like he had rescued me as my narcissist ex was trying to persue me again and I was so swept into a whirlwind that I didn't look back and carried on on cloud 9 with my French beau. We went away on weekends away, trips and spent all our time together. I wasn't used to someone wanting to spend every minute with me and be out in public with me it was completely different to my past relationship. I was consumed and fell deeply for him.

 

Come August 2015, we got the bad news the club weren't going to renew his contract So he had to return to France as his English was limited and that was his only option. I was devastated for a few weeks but we decided to carry things on and I made the decision to leave my life behind and move with him to France in October 2015. Although it was a big sacrifice I didn't look back.

 

Now almost 6 months on I'm wondering if I've got myself into another destructive relationship. He had issues that I had lots of men on my social media but I did know a lot of people over the 7 years I had Facebook, I had to delete a lot of my clubbing pictures as he didn't want people seeing me like that....he said his family but I began to think why should I?

 

I have to rely on him for most things as I'm not fluent in French but I am at school learning. He said he doesn't want me going to the gym as I have to save my money as I'm not working at the moment but deep down its because he doesn't want men staring at me! I like to wear yoga pants to workout in but now I'm not allowed I have to wear baggy ones. He hates me wearing makeup and making myself Stand out only bare minimal is allowed. I can't wear hair extensions because he doesn't want a fake girl? If we go out in public I sometimes get accused of eyeing up other men when I'm actually not! One time we was in a swimming pool and he splashed me with water and stormed out because I was apparently eyeing a man up baring in mind he had a little baby!

 

I have to tell him everything, he checks my phone frequently and sometimes accuses me of things. Although I don't want him messaging other girls I just feel sad that he thinks I could be capable of cheating on him? Especially when I've left behind my whole life for him. I can't even spend my money because he says I need to save it as I'm not working! I've let my body go but he says it's my fault I can work out at home or run on the street!

 

I do everything around the apartment and cook all his meals but yet the minute I do something he doesn't like he comes down on me with insults saying I don't help myself etc as sometimes I get home sick and he just says if your not happy leave. Or if I tell him to shut up in a jokey way he fired up and gets physical or if I tell him I can do as I want he starts pushing me around or restrains me or throws me on the bed which I've had several bruises which I've had to hide, he's punched a whole in the kitchen wall and bashed my head hard on the wall but every time he says it's my fault as I try to get away from him. He confiscates my iPad and phone until he says I can have it. He says my American to shows are **** and all I care about is makeup! Making me feel dumb. He slammed the laptop down on my fingers because I wouldn't look at him in the eyes and listen to his terms. I sometimes wonder if one day he will hurt me but then when things are good he's most loveliest man he showers me with affection and wants to spend all his time with me. A few times we've had explosive fights and I've packed my things to leave but then he cries and begs me to stay and I get scared that maybe I'm making a mistake and back down and stay.

 

It doesn't help because I don't feel completely right here in France, I have no friends and I don't speak the language and he ain't patient when helping me to learn I feel like I'm stuck in the apartment and wasting my life away. I know I could help myself but I'm shy and I don't know where to start, I don't have a job so I feel like I'm losing my independence and me as a whole. I don't know what's right or wrong anymore, I'm 26 and I don't know what to do. I just feel so unmotivated with everything and feel like I'm a wilting flower.

 

Sorry to write such an essay but I'm really hoping someone can help me see the big picture.

 

Thanks in advance guys x

introverted1 Established Member

introverted1

Posted
Posted
Hello everyone!

 

I'm hoping you can help me with an ongoing trouble/situation. It's starting to consume my thoughts and feel like I can't concentrate on my daily life. :mad:

 

I will try give you the short story.

 

March / April 2015: I had just ended a 2yr relationship with narcissist and started feeling good about myself, going to the gym feeling good about my body and landed a new career with a bank when come May I met a beautiful French man who crazily was living in my little town while he played rugby in England. I felt like it was fate, I felt like he had rescued me as my narcissist ex was trying to persue me again and I was so swept into a whirlwind that I didn't look back and carried on on cloud 9 with my French beau. We went away on weekends away, trips and spent all our time together. I wasn't used to someone wanting to spend every minute with me and be out in public with me it was completely different to my past relationship. I was consumed and fell deeply for him.

 

Come August 2015, we got the bad news the club weren't going to renew his contract So he had to return to France as his English was limited and that was his only option. I was devastated for a few weeks but we decided to carry things on and I made the decision to leave my life behind and move with him to France in October 2015. Although it was a big sacrifice I didn't look back.

 

Now almost 6 months on I'm wondering if I've got myself into another destructive relationship. He had issues that I had lots of men on my social media but I did know a lot of people over the 7 years I had Facebook, I had to delete a lot of my clubbing pictures as he didn't want people seeing me like that....he said his family but I began to think why should I?

 

I have to rely on him for most things as I'm not fluent in French but I am at school learning. He said he doesn't want me going to the gym as I have to save my money as I'm not working at the moment but deep down its because he doesn't want men staring at me! I like to wear yoga pants to workout in but now I'm not allowed I have to wear baggy ones. He hates me wearing makeup and making myself Stand out only bare minimal is allowed. I can't wear hair extensions because he doesn't want a fake girl? If we go out in public I sometimes get accused of eyeing up other men when I'm actually not! One time we was in a swimming pool and he splashed me with water and stormed out because I was apparently eyeing a man up baring in mind he had a little baby!

 

I have to tell him everything, he checks my phone frequently and sometimes accuses me of things. Although I don't want him messaging other girls I just feel sad that he thinks I could be capable of cheating on him? Especially when I've left behind my whole life for him. I can't even spend my money because he says I need to save it as I'm not working! I've let my body go but he says it's my fault I can work out at home or run on the street!

 

I do everything around the apartment and cook all his meals but yet the minute I do something he doesn't like he comes down on me with insults saying I don't help myself etc as sometimes I get home sick and he just says if your not happy leave. Or if I tell him to shut up in a jokey way he fired up and gets physical or if I tell him I can do as I want he starts pushing me around or restrains me or throws me on the bed which I've had several bruises which I've had to hide, he's punched a whole in the kitchen wall and bashed my head hard on the wall but every time he says it's my fault as I try to get away from him. He confiscates my iPad and phone until he says I can have it. He says my American to shows are **** and all I care about is makeup! Making me feel dumb. He slammed the laptop down on my fingersbecause I wouldn't look at him in the eyes and listen to his terms. I sometimes wonder if one day he will hurt me but then when things are good he's most loveliest man he showers me with affection and wants to spend all his time with me. A few times we've had explosive fights and I've packed my things to leave but then he cries and begs me to stay and I get scared that maybe I'm making a mistake and back down and stay.

 

It doesn't help because I don't feel completely right here in France, I have no friends and I don't speak the language and he ain't patient when helping me to learn I feel like I'm stuck in the apartment and wasting my life away. I know I could help myself but I'm shy and I don't know where to start, I don't have a job so I feel like I'm losing my independence and me as a whole. I don't know what's right or wrong anymore, I'm 26 and I don't know what to do. I just feel so unmotivated with everything and feel like I'm a wilting flower.

 

Sorry to write such an essay but I'm really hoping someone can help me see the big picture.

 

Thanks in advance guys x

 

 

Yes, he is an abuser and his behavior will continue to escalate.

 

Get out now. Call your parents, a friend, do whatever you have to do to get yourself back home.

  • Like 10
preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

Yes, you're in trouble. He's a jealous insecure man OR he just thinks men are the boss of women. One of the very first red flags of a controlling abusive person is they try to isolate you from friends, etc.

 

You're not comfortable with this, so just face it and start saving your money to move away. It's not that far back home. Just do it. And I suggest living with yourself for awhile. Get two jobs if you have to. Get your own little tiny place and just support yourself. It will give you a lot of courage to see that you can do it on your own and you won't be as apt to want a man to "rescue you." It's just going from the frying pan into the fire, after all. There's always a price and the price is your freedom. So be on your own living frugally and working hard and restore your self-esteem for a year or two and then I think you'll be looking harder at any potential men to make sure they deserve you. Good luck.

  • Like 5
startinganew777 Established Member

startinganew777

Posted
Posted

You need to leave and like now. It won't get better. He will go farther and farther with you until he puts you in the hospital. I don't care how lovely he is when he isn't mad. I went through the same thing and funny, he was trying to get me to move 8 hours away from all my family and friends and my good job, everything I know. He was jealous, put me down, had a horrible temper and wouldn't drop the whole moving thing.

 

 

He took me down one time, threw me on the floor, bashed my head into the ground, and that was it, I was done. It just took one time and I knew it was over between us. I broke up with him, had to put a restraining order against him because he wouldn't leave me alone.

 

 

This is serious, you need to get out of there and get help. He has already hurt you! Don't you see that! Once they get physical one time, it is over. He will do it again and again. What kind of life is that for you?! Walking around on eggshells scared he is going to explode?

 

 

I'm sorry, I know how you feel but you have to be strong and end it and get help.

  • Like 5
mikeylo Established Member

mikeylo

Posted
Posted

Yes, you are being abused. Leave.

  • Like 5
Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

Posted
Posted
he comes down on me with insults saying I don't help myself etc as sometimes I get home sick and he just says if your not happy leave. Or if I tell him to shut up in a jokey way he fired up and gets physical or if I tell him I can do as I want he starts pushing me around or restrains me or throws me on the bed which I've had several bruises which I've had to hide, he's punched a whole in the kitchen wall and bashed my head hard on the wall but every time he says it's my fault as I try to get away from him. He confiscates my iPad and phone until he says I can have it. He says my American to shows are **** and all I care about is makeup! Making me feel dumb. He slammed the laptop down on my fingers because I wouldn't look at him in the eyes and listen to his terms. I sometimes wonder if one day he will hurt me but then when things are good he's most loveliest man he showers me with affection and wants to spend all his time with me. A few times we've had explosive fights and I've packed my things to leave but then he cries and begs me to stay and I get scared that maybe I'm making a mistake and back down and stay.

 

You wonder if one day he'll hurt you??? He's already hurt you several times!

 

Call your parents, call a sibling, a good friend, if they cannot send you money then call a women's shelter and leave. Don't wait for him to injure you permanently.

  • Like 7
jen1447 Established Member

jen1447

Posted
Posted

I assume you're originally from somewhere in the west? Easy fix to get away bc he can't really follow you very well. :)

  • Like 4
LivingDeadGrl Established Member

LivingDeadGrl

Posted
Posted

You need to get out of there. Book a flight home, and go. Don't even tell him! It is only going to get worse!!

  • Like 8
elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted

The trouble with having been abused is that you often give off great signals to other abusers, they do not see you as someone to be pitied or even looked after, they see you as a new victim for them to abuse. They recognise you are perfect for them to abuse and control.

YOU are so deprived of love and affection you bask in the attention, only it all rapidly descends into a nightmare.

Unfortunately you managed to escape from one to fall into the trap of another.

Go home ASAP.

  • Like 5
smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted

If it doesn't feel right that's because it is not! You are luck you see this now....most of this type wait until your wedding night to put the control into high gear.

 

He probably thinks you are weak and vulnerable and have nowhere to go....he is conditioning you, beating you down into submission. Prove him wrong.

 

DO NOT tell him you are leaving. Plan ahead, book your ticket without him knowing, wait til he is out of the flat, and make your escape. You can send your goodbyes when you are safely in the air almost home.

  • Like 7
startinganew777 Established Member

startinganew777

Posted
Posted

Please please listen to these people. Get out now and don't even tell him. Because if you do he will do ANYTHING to keep you from leaving. Cry, promise you the world, promise you that he will never touch you again, blah, blah, blah and then once you agree to stay it will get worse. Or he will get so mad you insist on leaving, he will hurt you and bad! Just leave and take off. Believe me, it will be the smartest and most brave thing you have ever done and you will NEVER regret it.

  • Like 3
Jejangles Established Member

Jejangles

Posted
Posted

Can't add anything other than to say yes, everything you describe is abuse. Get back to England and far away from him asap!

  • Like 2
Maxtor Established Member

Maxtor

Posted
Posted

Leave that douche and lesson learn: don't ever EVER leave your life to live someone else's life. Live your own.

 

Be a magnet of good things.

  • Like 1
No_Go Established Member

No_Go

Posted
Posted

Could you call a hotline for women who are subjected to domestic violence?

 

 

I'm so angry at this 'man' who is bruising your body and restraining your freedom! This abuser needs to go to jail where he belongs, but first you need to find a safe place where no one is going to slam thing on you and hit you...

  • Like 1
No_Go Established Member

No_Go

Posted
Posted

Also, if he hits you - immediately make a picture, make a diary (date/time/action), so if you need to show it later, you'd have a good track record.

  • Like 1
vbarone Member

vbarone

Posted
Posted
Hello everyone!

 

I'm hoping you can help me with an ongoing trouble/situation. It's starting to consume my thoughts and feel like I can't concentrate on my daily life. :mad:

 

I will try give you the short story.

 

March / April 2015: I had just ended a 2yr relationship with narcissist and started feeling good about myself, going to the gym feeling good about my body and landed a new career with a bank when come May I met a beautiful French man who crazily was living in my little town while he played rugby in England. I felt like it was fate, I felt like he had rescued me as my narcissist ex was trying to persue me again and I was so swept into a whirlwind that I didn't look back and carried on on cloud 9 with my French beau. We went away on weekends away, trips and spent all our time together. I wasn't used to someone wanting to spend every minute with me and be out in public with me it was completely different to my past relationship. I was consumed and fell deeply for him.

 

Come August 2015, we got the bad news the club weren't going to renew his contract So he had to return to France as his English was limited and that was his only option. I was devastated for a few weeks but we decided to carry things on and I made the decision to leave my life behind and move with him to France in October 2015. Although it was a big sacrifice I didn't look back.

 

Now almost 6 months on I'm wondering if I've got myself into another destructive relationship. He had issues that I had lots of men on my social media but I did know a lot of people over the 7 years I had Facebook, I had to delete a lot of my clubbing pictures as he didn't want people seeing me like that....he said his family but I began to think why should I?

 

I have to rely on him for most things as I'm not fluent in French but I am at school learning. He said he doesn't want me going to the gym as I have to save my money as I'm not working at the moment but deep down its because he doesn't want men staring at me! I like to wear yoga pants to workout in but now I'm not allowed I have to wear baggy ones. He hates me wearing makeup and making myself Stand out only bare minimal is allowed. I can't wear hair extensions because he doesn't want a fake girl? If we go out in public I sometimes get accused of eyeing up other men when I'm actually not! One time we was in a swimming pool and he splashed me with water and stormed out because I was apparently eyeing a man up baring in mind he had a little baby!

 

I have to tell him everything, he checks my phone frequently and sometimes accuses me of things. Although I don't want him messaging other girls I just feel sad that he thinks I could be capable of cheating on him? Especially when I've left behind my whole life for him. I can't even spend my money because he says I need to save it as I'm not working! I've let my body go but he says it's my fault I can work out at home or run on the street!

 

I do everything around the apartment and cook all his meals but yet the minute I do something he doesn't like he comes down on me with insults saying I don't help myself etc as sometimes I get home sick and he just says if your not happy leave. Or if I tell him to shut up in a jokey way he fired up and gets physical or if I tell him I can do as I want he starts pushing me around or restrains me or throws me on the bed which I've had several bruises which I've had to hide, he's punched a whole in the kitchen wall and bashed my head hard on the wall but every time he says it's my fault as I try to get away from him. He confiscates my iPad and phone until he says I can have it. He says my American to shows are **** and all I care about is makeup! Making me feel dumb. He slammed the laptop down on my fingers because I wouldn't look at him in the eyes and listen to his terms. I sometimes wonder if one day he will hurt me but then when things are good he's most loveliest man he showers me with affection and wants to spend all his time with me. A few times we've had explosive fights and I've packed my things to leave but then he cries and begs me to stay and I get scared that maybe I'm making a mistake and back down and stay.

 

It doesn't help because I don't feel completely right here in France, I have no friends and I don't speak the language and he ain't patient when helping me to learn I feel like I'm stuck in the apartment and wasting my life away. I know I could help myself but I'm shy and I don't know where to start, I don't have a job so I feel like I'm losing my independence and me as a whole. I don't know what's right or wrong anymore, I'm 26 and I don't know what to do. I just feel so unmotivated with everything and feel like I'm a wilting flower.

 

Sorry to write such an essay but I'm really hoping someone can help me see the big picture.

 

Thanks in advance guys x

 

Wow, All that control in only 6 months !! you must get away as soon as possible. At this stage you should only be seeing red flags not the entire world covered in red. If you stay with this guy things will get way worse and you may not even be allowed to talk or breath. Men like this just get more and more controlling !! :sick::sick:

  • Like 1
jen1447 Established Member

jen1447

Posted
Posted
I'm so angry at this 'man' who is bruising your body and restraining your freedom! This abuser needs to go to jail where he belongs get his ass kicked like he deserves, but first you need to find a safe place where no one is going to slam thing on you and hit you...

 

Grr, no tolerance for this nonsense at all :mad: ....but yeah first things first - get away.

  • Like 3
No_Go Established Member

No_Go

Posted
Posted

I am seconding that.

 

I've experienced it first person, and I've seen it done to family members and friends. It NEVER gets better (unless maaaaaaybe if he goes through extensive therapy, but even then you have no way to know whether he'll relapse :( )

 

They beg, they cry, they make you FEEL like you abuse them. THAT's how they play back their victims. It's a classic behavior of an abuser.

 

Please please listen to these people. Get out now and don't even tell him. Because if you do he will do ANYTHING to keep you from leaving. Cry, promise you the world, promise you that he will never touch you again, blah, blah, blah and then once you agree to stay it will get worse. Or he will get so mad you insist on leaving, he will hurt you and bad! Just leave and take off. Believe me, it will be the smartest and most brave thing you have ever done and you will NEVER regret it.
  • Like 1
LivingDeadGrl Established Member

LivingDeadGrl

Posted
Posted

I hope OP is okay :(

  • Like 1
AMJ Established Member

AMJ

Posted
Posted

OP if you can't find a way to get home, I'll help you fundraise to do it...

  • Like 2
  • Author
becky2701 New Member

becky2701

Posted
  • Author
Posted

I'm back with my family in England! Thank you all for your messages, much love xxxx

  • Like 17
preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

Well, that is a huge relief! Good luck to you going forward.

  • Like 1
SunnyWeather Established Member

SunnyWeather

Posted
Posted

that is really great to hear. go easy on yourself, process this so you can better spot these types and not attract them again.

 

even though the 'real' him did not come out until you were in a vulnerable position and needed him (the language thing, in a foreign country etc), I'm sure there were signs of his controlling behavior you didn't see when he was in your country.

  • Like 1
itstoni Member

itstoni

Posted
Posted

My answer is no different from the rest, but tossing it on here to get you to do so.

 

He will get worse.

He will hit you.

You need to leave.

  • Like 1
jen1447 Established Member

jen1447

Posted
Posted

^ She did leave.

 

Good work Becky. :)

  • Like 1
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