Lottie86 Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 I guess I just needed some advice and am worried about boring my friends to tears with my "boy drama" I started seeing this guy 3 months ago and we've been...(at the risk of sounding like a 12 year old..boyfriend / girlfriend, for a month)....it's been rocky for a number of reasons; he has a lot of family issues currently (his parents, sister etc) and it very much feels as if a lot is going against us. I posted on here before about my issues with his ex - They were together for 5 years, lived together, no kids, his first relationship and broke up amicably but are still in each other lives after 9 months of splitting up. I am not the most secure person and I know a lot of our issues on that subject are my issues. He's told me he doesn't want to get back together with her but still wants to be friends with her, despite him knowing it upsets me. My gut is telling me he's not over her (he denies this) but there is something in me telling me he's not. He doesn't call her, acknowledges that their friendship isn't working but says that if she calls him, he will answer. She was his first girlfriend, they were together a long time and I understand they have a history, I just don't want to be his second choice or his rebound. I've told him this and he assures me it's not the case but I worry that he's not over her. I love him. He "isn't there yet" (trying not to worry about that) but he's a good guy, I've known him for more than a decade. He calls me every day, we see each other four times a week, he's sweet and caring and does what he says he will. He treats me well. I want him and I to work but I also don't want to be an idiot. I don't know whether to trust my gut which says he's not over her, they'll get back together and break my heart. I don't know whether I should just end it now, or continue and hope it's my insecurities and issues that is making me think like this. Any advice? 1
smudge21 Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 Yeah, how often do you talk about this as from what you said, it does sound like it's more your own insecurities then his issues that are causing the problems here. As much as you don't want him to go, you also don't want to push him away. 1
Author Lottie86 Posted March 18, 2016 Author Posted March 18, 2016 Excessively. I'm not great at hiding my feelings and I've told him that it bothers me that they talk and asked him outright if he still wants to be with her. He's told me he doesn't and if she asked him to get back together then he would say no. I think a lot of it is to do with that being his first relationship so he's never been in this situation before. I can't keep talking to him about it because we've done it to death. He's always very honest with me and tells me when they talk etc and she is with someone else and she knows he and I are together. I'm naturally a worrier and quite insecure but I just can't turn off that voice in my head telling me he's not over her. I think the more secure he and I are then the less I will feel like this but I don't want to get further into it and then have my heart broken over something that has been right in front of my face the whole time. 1
Toodaloo Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 Lottie what I am about to say is going to sound nasty but... Sounds to me like you are the girl that goes bat s*** crazy and is overly clingy and emotional about everything! he probably isn't feeling "it" because he constantly feels like its hard work trying to just sit back and enjoy your company. Tip for you. Relax. Go out with friends. Quit telling him you love him. Its 3 months not a 30 year marriage. Chill out girl! Once you are relaxed you can see things for what they are rather than what you think they may or may not or possibly or could be... 1
Author Lottie86 Posted March 18, 2016 Author Posted March 18, 2016 No you're 100% right and I know it. I worry about everything and like to talk until I feel secure which I know must be driving him crazy. I must admit he's very patient and kind and understanding and we've had this talk maybe twice in the past three months and he has always reassured me. I know I have issues re being insecure and worrying and I am trying to fix it and hide the crazy. I don't want to push him away. I have only told him I loved him once and he was lovely and said he's not quite there yet and I haven't pressed it so it's not like I am constantly telling him I love him. I just wanted other people's opinions as to whether I am worrying about something that I shouldn't be. 1
LivingDeadGrl Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 If it hasn't been years in between their break up and when you and him got together I wouldn't stick around. They haven't let go of each other. There should be no reason for him to talk to her at this point unless they have kids which I assume is not the case here. If your gut is telling you something is off, it usually is. I trusted an ex with speaking to his ex wife as they wanted to be "friends". Biggest mistake! He was still telling her he loved her all the while telling me there was nothing between them and he didn't want her back. I am not saying your situation is the same, but it sounds like there are still feelings there. He shouldn't want to jeopardize his relationship with you over her which is what's happening. At this point I would say try making plans with all 3 of you, and see if she's up for that. Get involved in it. If there is resistance about it, you have your answer. 3
Toodaloo Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 At this point I would say try making plans with all 3 of you, and see if she's up for that. Get involved in it. If there is resistance about it, you have your answer. Of course there will be resistance. He doesn't want to talk to his ex but will be cordial IF she calls... Why would he then want to have new GF, who is paranoid about the ex, and the ex who he doesn't particularly want to see, speak to or spend time with cozy it up for a dinner date? Madness. Pure madness... 1
LivingDeadGrl Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 Of course there will be resistance. He doesn't want to talk to his ex but will be cordial IF she calls... Why would he then want to have new GF, who is paranoid about the ex, and the ex who he doesn't particularly want to see, speak to or spend time with cozy it up for a dinner date? Madness. Pure madness... If they are "friends", then she shouldn't have an issue with hanging out with his new girlfriend. If there are still feelings there, then she will have an issue with it. If he doesn't want to talk to her he wouldn't. That includes not answering her calls.
smackie9 Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 sorry but it's only been 3 months and already you are dealing with this drama. If it doesn't feel right, then it's not. No one should tell you it's all in your head, if you find this unacceptable then so be it. Why should you have to suck it up when it makes you uncomfortable. I would advise you cut your losses while you are ahead. Your BF isn't ready to move on yet.....nothing worse than having to wait for someone to become emotionally available. 4
Gaeta Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 Sweetie, if a man is not in love with you by 3 month mark then chances are he will never be. So, about their friendship, what exactly does he get out of it? He doesn't call her but he picks up when she calls. What type of friendship is that? He is still in love with her, of course he's not going to tell you this. He's still hanging on to her. Why did they break up 9 months ago? 1
Satu Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 It's early days for your relationship, so the real security you seek hasn't had the time to develop. It's understandable that you feel the way that you do. He clearly has some kind of unfinished business with her. Only you can know if that is a deal breaker for you. Post here as much as you like, if you want to talk more about this issue. Take care. 4
Toodaloo Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 If they are "friends", then she shouldn't have an issue with hanging out with his new girlfriend. If there are still feelings there, then she will have an issue with it. If he doesn't want to talk to her he wouldn't. That includes not answering her calls. They are not "friends" they are exes. There is no WAY I would have my ex and new beau cosy it up for drinkipoos... OK so I may be polite with exes and say hello and stuff IF I see them about I am sure as heck not going to jump up and down and say "look this guy has seen me naked and we had ooodddles of sex once upon a time let me rub it in your nose" to my new partner. THAT is what a forced meeting would do. Sod that. Absolutely ridiculous idea. Completely idiotic and a sure fire way to make your past interfere with the future. 2
Author Lottie86 Posted March 18, 2016 Author Posted March 18, 2016 I don't think he and I meeting up with her is a good idea, I certainly don't want to make a point of meeting her. I'm not so worried about the fact that he doesn't love me yet, it happens at different times for different people and he comes from a family where emotion and I love you's are not used often. If in another 3 months he still isn't "there" then I think it would worry me but not at the moment. They split up because it just wasn't working and he says really they should have split up a year before they actually did. He said she was his best friend for five years and he still cares about her as a friend and doesn't just want to erase her from his life. He doesn't call her but said he will answer if she calls him. They don't meet up and haven't seen each other since Christmas eve when she dropped off a present for his niece. 2
Toodaloo Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 I don't think he and I meeting up with her is a good idea, I certainly don't want to make a point of meeting her. I'm not so worried about the fact that he doesn't love me yet, it happens at different times for different people and he comes from a family where emotion and I love you's are not used often. If in another 3 months he still isn't "there" then I think it would worry me but not at the moment. They split up because it just wasn't working and he says really they should have split up a year before they actually did. He said she was his best friend for five years and he still cares about her as a friend and doesn't just want to erase her from his life. He doesn't call her but said he will answer if she calls him. They don't meet up and haven't seen each other since Christmas eve when she dropped off a present for his niece. Sounds like there is nothing nasty there he is just still grieving for what could have been rather than what was. Relax. Work on your anxiety and try to look at the whole thing with a clear head rather than "stress head". When you are calm and relaxed you can be objective. 1
Satu Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 Sounds like there is nothing nasty there he is just still grieving for what could have been rather than what was. Relax. Work on your anxiety and try to look at the whole thing with a clear head rather than "stress head". When you are calm and relaxed you can be objective. ^^^ this ^^^
Author Lottie86 Posted March 18, 2016 Author Posted March 18, 2016 It's early days for your relationship, so the real security you seek hasn't had the time to develop. It's understandable that you feel the way that you do. He clearly has some kind of unfinished business with her. Only you can know if that is a deal breaker for you. Post here as much as you like, if you want to talk more about this issue. Take care. I really do think it's because she was his first relationship and first break up. I know with my first serious ex I wanted to be friends with him but in reality it didn't work and made getting over the break up easier with us not talking. As I've said I have my own issues and worries and I'm just not sure whether these thoughts stem from that or whether I am ignoring something that is obvious to everyone else, hence posting here. Thank you very much for what you said and your support 1
Author Lottie86 Posted March 18, 2016 Author Posted March 18, 2016 Sounds like there is nothing nasty there he is just still grieving for what could have been rather than what was. Relax. Work on your anxiety and try to look at the whole thing with a clear head rather than "stress head". When you are calm and relaxed you can be objective. Thank you And thanks for being so honest 1
Gaeta Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 He said she was his best friend for five years and he still cares about her as a friend and doesn't just want to erase her from his life. He doesn't call her but said he will answer if she calls him. They don't meet up and haven't seen each other since Christmas eve when she dropped off a present for his niece. They are not friends, maybe they have been in the past, but not anymore. Friends visit, friends grab lunch together, friends are invited over, and friends talk on regular basis. He doesn't have any of that so saying he wants to keep her friendship is a lie, they do not have a friendship anymore, and this for 9 months. He doesn't want to erase her from his life but she isn't in his life. What's left? He wants to keep in touch with her. Why would you want to keep in touch with someone that is not in your life, and someone you share no friendship with? That would be because you cannot let go of the idea of them. See, if this man was in love with you he'd drop her in a heart beat. This is all connected, he's not in love with you, he keeps her at arm's length. 2
Toodaloo Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 Thank you And thanks for being so honest Your welcome. And trust me this ex will soon become someone he used to know. Its what happens so just relax about that. The bit we can not get a clear picture on is whether or not he is interested enough in you for you to spend more time on this. At the moment you have stressy head on so the information you give us will not be good enough for anyone to be able to give you decent advice so all you will get is a whole load saying dump him and a whole load saying stick with it. Once stressy head is more relaxed take another look at it all and just calmly work your way through. You are not an idiot. You can work this out and if you are worried or a bit confused or need support we can be here objectively rather than making random guesses. 1
Toodaloo Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 See, if this man was in love with you he'd drop her in a heart beat. Gaeta. He isn't phoning his ex or trying to meet up with his ex. He has just said that IF she phones he would speak to her and not ignore her... 1
Gaeta Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 Gaeta. He isn't phoning his ex or trying to meet up with his ex. He has just said that IF she phones he would speak to her and not ignore her... If my ex called I would not pick up. We had a great time together but it's over. We have no reason to keep in touch, we have no kids together and no unfinished business. I would feel very disrespectful to my current boyfriend to pick up when an ex call. 2
Gaeta Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 If my ex called I would not pick up. We had a great time together but it's over. We have no reason to keep in touch, we have no kids together and no unfinished business. I would feel very disrespectful to my current boyfriend to pick up when an ex call. Especially if I knew it hurt my current boyfriend !! no way! I have everything to gain by being sensitive to my current boyfriend, I have nothing to gain by picking up the phone when an ex call. 1
preraph Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 Look, relationships are complex. It's not neat and clean for everyone. He still cares enough about her to take her calls but he is not initiating them, so if anything, sounds like she's the more interested party or she's naive enough to think she can be close friends with an ex when they're seeing someone else. The trouble with smartphones instead of a home phone is when they were home phones, you could rightfully intercept the call, which serves as a reminder to the other woman that you're invading both your privacies. Now with smartphones, there's fewer tools in the tool chest and it makes it very easy for people to cheat. Why don't you tell him you want to meet her if she's going to be friends with him. Invite her to "bring a date and come over for dinner." Put her on the spot. Put him on the spot too. If she's really just a friend, why wouldn't he want to have dinner with her? Take that attitude. Don't do it in a sour way. Do it in a way that shows how magnanimous you are being to include his ex he has chosen to stay in contact with over to try to be friends. Only two things can happen. One is she comes and likes you and feels bad for intruding. Or she panics and says she doesn't have a date or some other excuse and declines the invitation. But she at least realizes you aren't someone she's going to crowd out of his life who's going to stand by quietly while she invades your love life. And then you tell her, "another time then" and resissue another invitation. Maybe she'll just pack up and go away at that point instead of facing you. Be sure you get her contact info yourself. There's no reason he should refuse to give the host of a dinner party her contact info. Her contact info may be on google, or you can get it from him. If he doesn't give it to you, that's on him to explain his way out of. Because all you're doing is inviting his friend over.
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