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A tricky situation ahead - trying to maintain NC but unavoidable?

duncsvoice

By duncsvoice
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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duncsvoice Established Member

duncsvoice

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Hey gang,

 

I've posted a lot recently, and this forum has been an absolute safe haven for me.

 

Long story short, bad break up with someone who I now recognise as probably having BPD. She dragged out the breakup, kept getting in contact and prolonged my grief. Bad last week, she told me she was sexually assaulted so I became incredibly worried, before telling me a day later she was seeing someone new and turning in to an ALMIGHTY b***h. I sent a nice text, hope you're okay, I need space, see you around etc, the only response I got was "f**k you". Thanks!

 

So...I've finally got the closure I've wanted, that's good. I'm looking at some new places to live soon, have a good personal plan ahead and although I'm starting my healing again I feel positive. However, I have packed up her remaining belongings ready, but I will sadly need to get rid of our cats - so at some point I'll need to speak with her to discuss this. The problem is, any contact I have with her just sends me reeling.

 

Does anyone have any tips on how to approach this? I have no interest in being with her, or even friends, but contact with her just puts me in a very bad place.

 

Thanks in advance.

PegNosePete Established Member

PegNosePete

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Hi duncs,

If I were you I'd get it all done as quickly and efficiently as possible. Send her a message that doesn't discuss feelings or anything else, just ask the questions you need to ask in a business like manner. Number the questions so you can ensure they all get answered, and make sure you don't forget anything that might need answered later.

 

Eg:

 

"1. What do you want to do with the cats? Let me know if you want to have them. If not I'll be taking them to the animal shelter on XXX date.

 

2. I have a box of your stuff here, and I'm sure you have some of my things too. I am free on XXX, XXX and XXX to exchange belongings. Let me know which date you can make, or if none of the above, let me know an alternative when you're free.

 

3. Next question..."

 

Don't make any chit-chat or small talk. Don't even sign your name or hers.

 

If you get no reply, or just more abuse, just ignore her, take the cats to the home, bin her stuff, and write your stuff off.

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Zahara Established Member

Zahara

Posted
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I'm sorry, dunc. I remember your other thread and how you felt about her being attacked and you're need to support her only to have to go through this.

 

I agree with Peg, it would be best for you to get it over and done with now/soon. Don't wait. You want to cut the cord fast.

 

Send her that message and keep all talk about emotions/relationship out of it. I would add, give her a timeline as in a response to you eg. 1 day, 2 days and if you don't hear from her after that, do what you need to do. This way you cover all sides in that you laid it out, gave her a timeline to respond. She then can't point the finger at you for anything if she's bat**** that you made decisions without her input.

Edited by Zahara
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duncsvoice Established Member

duncsvoice

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Posted (edited)
I'm sorry, dunc. I remember your other thread and how you felt about her being attacked and you're need to support her only to have to go through this.

 

I agree with Peg, it would be best for you to get it over and done with now/soon. Don't wait. You want to cut the cord fast.

 

Send her that message and keep all talk about emotions/relationship out of it. I would add, give her a timeline as in a response to you eg. 1 day, 2 days and if you don't hear from her after that, do what you need to do. This way you cover all sides in that you laid it out, gave her a timeline to respond. She then can't point the finger at you for anything if she's bat**** that you made decisions without her input.

 

Thanks both, really appreciate it. Yep, this week has been a killer. I was absolutely worried sick about her, I still am, but there we go. I effectively told her I didn't want to see her again, which prompted that reaction, I've had it before. I think this time she knows she's finally destroyed pretty much her only safe zone with me. I feel bad about her, and I worry about her mental health, but mine is so much more important now.

 

I've already found a potential home for the cats, I'm trying to squash the feelings of guilt about it by reminding myself I'm not the one who caused this. Once that is confirmed, I'll ask if she can take them.

 

I'll continue packing up her things this weekend, I don't want her in my flat at all, so once I have a moving date (hopefully in the next fortnight, I'm doing as you guys suggested and not hanging about!). Once I have set dates, I'll send her a note.

 

I'm sad. Sad that someone who I cherished and cared for, and loved like I never have done before, is now a stranger. But I'm relieved. Gradually this knot of worry and panic will subside as I concentrate my time on energy on my life. I'm excited about the next part of my journey.

Edited by duncsvoice
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PegNosePete Established Member

PegNosePete

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I'll continue packing up her things this weekend, I don't want her in my flat at all

Yes that's the way to do it. Put all her stuff in a box(es) ASAP to get it out of your face. On swap day just hand the boxes over, whether it's at your place or her place or a neutral middle ground (McDonalds car park etc). Don't invite her in for a chat or a cup of tea or whatever and if she asks just say no. All that's required to say is there's your stuff, here's mine, thanks, bye.

 

The sooner you get this all out the way, the better. Then you can start NC properly. Don't make the mistake of leaving threads hanging. They have a habit of being pulled later on!

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duncsvoice Established Member

duncsvoice

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So I've moved pretty quickly, viewed a new place to live last night and took it on the spot (with three other girls ;) ), and just text my ex a customary, "I'm leaving the flat on 15th April, I'll be in touch about your things".

 

So, she was straight on the phone - I would have preferred to have kept things by text but there is a lot of things that need sorting (deposits, shared furniture, the cats etc), a couple of choice things she said;

 

"I'm so upset...it wasn't supposed to be this way"

"You look really nice in your profile picture" (I messaged her on Whatsapp)

"I'm really sad, I can't believe this is happening"

"Will you be living with any pretty girls?" (Yes, three actually, but I didn't tell her that).

"I'm only dating to distract myself from you".

"Let's meet for coffee to talk about it" (I didn't push for a date, I just said let me know).

 

To be honest, I completely expected this reaction. I realised she has been moving on whilst keeping me as a back up, maintaining our nice flat on the river and looking after the cats, whilst she went off and explored other options. The realisation to her that the guy who literallysaved her life a couple times when she was suicidal, the guy who had to break down the bathroom door to stop her from cutting herself, the guy who completely changed himself to help her conquer her eating disorder is no longer going to be there for her to run to. She's on her own.

 

She moved out about 7 weeks ago, and in that time she's told me she hates me, she loves me, she wanted to move back in, she didn't want to move back in, we've slept together twice, we've argued, I've been her emotional support A LOT...all of this doing NOTHING apart from prolonging the agony.

 

I've realised I'm worth more than that. I have a life to lead. Gone are the days where I would sacrifice myselffor the sake of another, I've learnt that is only a recipe for disaster.

 

I feel sad, that this truly is the end. But I'm excited about the people I will meet, the friendships that have blossomed already in the wake of the relationship. We might reconnect in a couple of months. I imagine when her rebound comes to an end she'll try again with me (I've done the same before). This break up has been torture at times. I have honestly wanted to die at points. The silence at home just feeds the horrible thoughts of her with another guy. I have to say goodbye to my brilliant little cats. But I'm still standing. I'm doing this on my own, and whoever I meet next will get a better version of me than my ex did.

 

I love my ex. She was my best friend. But she was just a girl.

PegNosePete Established Member

PegNosePete

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Dude. Don't engage her socially. No need to answer her phone calls if you want to keep it written (and I would advise that you do, since you can't seem to trust yourself when live talking).

 

Don't meet for coffee. As I suggested above just give her a date for a box swap, and THAT'S ALL.

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Zahara Established Member

Zahara

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Don't meet for coffee. Just exchange stuff when you are ready. You need to enforce boundaries. When she wants to talk and be sweet -- you accommodate. When she wants to freak out, you're there again to take the brunt of her moods.

 

Stop it. Put everything in writing. There is no need to talk over the phone or in person. Exchange boxes and cut the cord.

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duncsvoice Established Member

duncsvoice

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Yep yep yep. You're both right. I just felt quite calm for the first time talking to her. I won't meet for coffee, I wasn't planning to, it was just more of a change in my stance where I reacted blase to it, whereas before I jumped at the chance.

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