My boyfriend said I need to wear makeup to gain my confidence back

[BrunetteBabe1005]

Hi Loveshack Members. I am posting again because I have another problem. I am thoroughly upset. My boyfriend hasn't been drinking, but we both went out and he got drunk. He was saying how depressed I am. Here is what he said "I fell in love with the pretty girl that was always dolled up, with confidence, and liked to go out and party. Now, you don't wear any makeup, you dress in your metalhead clothes, which is cool because you know I like metal heads, but it seems you put no effort in yourself, and you're letting your depression get to you. I like to be with pretty girls, but also has that tough metal head side, I don't want a tough girlfriend, that is "bro" like. When you were all dressed up and dolled up, you had guys hitting on you" I said "So what you're saying is you don't like me natural, without makeup, and you think I look like a dude? Because I don't get dressed up anymore, or put on makeup, why don't you be supportive instead of insulting? Also a lot of guys hit on me without makeup on. Actually a lot of people told me to not wear makeup because I don't need it. I lost my sister. We did our makeup all the time together, and everyone said we should've been professional makeup artists because we were always on point with our makeup. I was happy, because my f*****g sister alive!!!! What is it that you don't get? I don't like the party scene anymore because my sister was in a car with a drunk driver, and that's how she died. I am not into it anymore. I was happy because my sister was alive and we had so much fun together. I lost the only person that was there for me, and loved me unconditionally. You should want to show me off with or without makeup. How dare you?"

 

Then he back tracked and said "No I am not saying to wear makeup for me, I am saying wear makeup for yourself because when you wear makeup you're a whole other person, happy, and confident. You need the old Natalie back. I want you to be happy. you are pretty without makeup. You're a pretty girl, but I am just saying that you are letting your depression get to you, and you're not your old self." i am extremely offended. I think it is so messed up considering the loss of my sister and everything that he would basically make me feel bad for not wearing makeup then he back tracks by saying "It's for me, not him, and he's worried about my depression." My friends said to let it go because he was drunk, and some of my friend said he just wants you to be happy and thinks you should get back into your old routine to be happy, and some people said to leave him, he's an ahole. So what would think and do in a situation like this? I think he's insensitive and messed up to say that to me. But maybe I am not looking at it at a certain view because I seem to get offended by what everyone says, that's why I want opinions on whether that was a rude of him to say, or if he's trying to help me? Thanks.

[PegNosePete]

My boyfriend hasn't been drinking, but we both went out and he got drunk.

Riiiiight...?? How did he get drunk without drinking?

 

Reading your previous threads I see that alcohol is a serious problem for this guy, he has a criminal history, he doesn't treat you well, and you were advised by many, many people to dump him.

 

I would echo that advice especially given the new information in this thread. He's a douchebag. You don't need that kind of idiot in your life, who goes on about your looks, when you are dealing with something so traumatic as the loss of a sibling. Get rid of this insensitive idiot from your life.

[scorpiogirl]

You're grieving and he's talking about such rubbish?

I'm sorry you lost your sister. That's a terrible tragedy.

 

You need to surround yourself with people who will try to understand what you're going through, not Douche Face that you're with right now.

He's not helping. At the very least you need to put your foot down about him having an opinion on your appearance right now.

 

You need support not criticism.

[Emilia]

I think you are depressed because you are grieving for your sister. Completely understandable but it is also understandable that your boyfriend feels you are bringing him down too. It's not his fault, he ended up dealing with your sister's death through you. He didn't ask for it either.

 

I used to date someone who was down a lot for various reasons and it was hard because he wasn't doing anything to get better. We were all just expected to deal with it.

 

If you don't find a way to deal with your grief in a way that it doesn't keep affecting your relationship, it may not survive this.

 

As for drinking/not treating you right/ etc, I'm not commenting on that.

[elaine567]

He wants his old gf back, the one who hadn't lost her sister, the one that isn't depressed and grieving.

He was being "insensitive" perhaps but he was drunk and drunks are not usually known for their sensitivity, but I guess he told the truth. He wants to see you happy again.

Its not really about the make up either, is it? "Make up" is a huge step for you to take, he likely knows that and wants to see you take that step as that would be a significant move forward for you here.

 

Living with depressed, grieving people is very hard and yes the grieving person always takes priority, that is a given, but grief can also affect partners badly too and they often get no or little sympathy when their world is turned upside down.

Are you attending bereavement counselling?

[BrunetteBabe1005]

Thanks everyone. It hasn't even been a year since she died. In 3 months it'll be a year since she passed. I have dealt with his negativity, and bull**** problems. I have been nothing but supportive towards him through all of his chaotic problems he had. I never once made him feel bad about how he felt. He is not one to make a fashion statement, he dresses just normal, and in band shirts, and boots. He has no style basically, and I work for a cleaning company, so I have to wear crappy clothing like a t-shirt and sweat pants. I absolutely don't wear makeup especially to work because it's a cleaning job, so I will sweat it all off. So after work when he wants to go out, I will usually just put on a pair of jeans and a hoodie.

 

It seems to bother him now, where as before it didn't. I do get dolled up and dressed up when we have invites to places. I just don't have it in me to be like how I use to and the old Natalie wore makeup everyday, and a nice outfit every day. But I just only dress up when we go out to nice places. Just not every day. I just want support. I have self image issues that is why I wore makeup so much, both me and my sister did because we both had issues with how we looked. I just didn't like how he said "When you wear makeup you blow all of these girls out of the water, everyone gets jealous of your beauty." I said "So, you think I only blow girls out of the water with make up on? Wow." he said "No, I just think you need to wear makeup because that's what made you happy." I understand a grieving person can bring a relationship down. But he was friends with my sister for a really long time, so he grieved her death as well. But I understand how it can be negative, but all I am saying is if I was there for him when he brought me down with his problems, then he should do the same with me. He should be supportive, like how I always am with him.

[katiegrl]

BB ...I am so sorry about your loss.....I lost both my parents in 2014, and like you, went through a very bad depression.

 

It was so bad I had to take a leave of absence from work, many days I could not even get out of bed, let alone wear makeup...jeez!

 

I was living with my bf at the time (we broke up in Dec 2015)...and he was my rock!

 

I can't even imagine him whining about how I wasn't wearing make up, and didn't look *pretty* -- good god my parents died!

 

And your sister, with whom you were very close, died.

 

Your "boyfriend" sounds like a selfish insensitive pr*ck quite frankly, especially after reading your history together.

 

Just wondering though, have you sought out any sort of grief therapy? Either individually or a support group?

 

If not, please do so....it helped me tremendously, and while I am still incredibly sad, and have my moments ...I am no longer *depressed*, I am off meds (anti-drpressants), and back to my old self.

 

Take care of you hun, and if I were you, I would dump the boyfriend ...not only because of this, but for everything else you have shared about him and your relationship in previous threads.

 

Good luck sweetie ...all the best.

 

hugs

Edited March 18, 2016 by katiegrl

[Gaeta]

I am very sorry for the loss of your sister.

 

Our exterior is a reflection of our interior. You are grieving and struggling it's normal to not feel like dolling up. Also the fact dolling up is something you shared with your sister so it's a reminder of her.

 

Your boyfriend needs to understand that the grieving of a sibling/parent is a very long process and he can't expect you to snap out of it before their first year passing anniversary. You have to go through your first xmas without her, first Easter without her, her first birthday without her, you're not there yet.

 

You will get back your smile, you will feel like dressing up again, but it will take time and it has to come from within you, not from him pressuring you.

[ilovemefirst]

Really sorry you are grieving the death of your sister. I think your boyfriend does understand what you are going through and what he said came out very wrong, but he did not mean it to make you feel insecure or bad about yourself. He is with you and wants to see you happy. If you are depressed, it brings him down too. Not justifying what he said was correct, but i think his intentions were to make you happy again. He misses the way you were and that is not wrong. My bf actually told me that i stopped dressing up nice anymore and he just wanted to remind me not to forget taking care of myself just because i was comfortable. I did realize that i was losing my confidence and i did it for me. Try not to let that affect you. It just will start up resentment and anger.

[ilovemefirst]

Really sorry you are grieving the death of your sister.

Take your time to grieve and do not let yourself feel bad about this. You will get through this. He needs to understand that you do not feel ready to dress up and feel good. How can you feel good on the outside when you do not feel good on the inside.

 

Having said that, i think your boyfriend does understand what you are going through and what he said came out very wrong, but he did not mean it to make you feel insecure or bad about yourself.

[lilmissjava]

Am so sorry for your tragic loss...

 

You are right to question his concern and it is very insensitive of him to think that you can just bounce back from such a loss. For some it takes years, there is no end to the healing journey.

 

Everyone deals with grief in different ways. He may not have suffered such a great loss and cannot empathize with how you are feeling and probably thinks grief can be controlled by flicking a switch.

 

People change all the time, we are always growing and adapting to the change that occurs throughout our lives and under no circumstances should you (or anyone else) allow anyone to tell you how you should look and what you should feel.

 

If he truly cared, he would stand beside you instead of in front of you.

[katiegrl]

Why are some of you defending this bozo? Really?

 

Instead of him whining about how she doesn't wear make up and look "pretty" anymore....perhaps his "caring" would be better served by encouraging her to seek therapy!

 

If you have ever lost someone with whom you were deeply close, and became severely depressed as a result, you don't just snap out of it, it's a devastating experience ....

 

It takes a long time to recover from, the LAST thing a person needs to hear is that they don't look pretty and should wear make up!!

 

A kind, compassionate caring, loving boyfriend would know this...unless he has no empathy, which from reading her past threads, could very well be the case.

[CaliGypsy]

Why are some of you defending this bozo? Really?

 

Instead of him whining about how she doesn't wear make up and look "pretty" anymore....perhaps his "caring" would be better served by encouraging her to seek therapy!

 

If you have ever lost someone with whom you were deeply close, and became severely depressed as a result, you don't just snap out of it, it's a devastating experience ....

 

It takes a long time to recover from, the LAST thing a person needs to hear is that they don't look pretty and should wear make up!!

 

A kind, compassionate caring, loving boyfriend would know this...unless he has no empathy, which from reading her past threads, could very well be the case.

 

 

This yes, exactly.

[Satu]

Not enough caring about how you feel, and too much caring about how he wants you to look.

[smackie9]

I totally see from both perspectives. Yes I'm so sorry you are grieving a horrible loss, and your BF is grieving too because he sees you drowning in depression, and it has changed you. Your BF is afraid of losing you and this relationship, and when it comes to dealing with someone grieving, he had no clue how to approach it and get his feelings across appropriately. Obviously he is just that kind of guy that had a rough life and didn't have proper guidance growing up. YES of course he was very insensitive, he needs to be told that, but in a serious calm manner.....please communicate better with him and correct his behavior.

 

I feel you should seek out grief counseling, because what you feel inside is showing on the outside. Even tho your BF is a negative force, which is only causing you more stress, look at it as a sign to go get some help for YOU, not him. It's one thing to grieve, but it's another when it takes over your existence, affecting you, your mental health, and your relationships. I have experienced great losses, and I understand how you can lose yourself.....it doesn't have to be this way, you can rise above it, and be happy with life again.

 

I know you are not going to dump your BF, so I'm not going to bother advising it, but what you can do it stand up to him, and get him to work through this with you through better communication. nothing will change unless you are willing to take the steps to make change happen.

[TXGuy]

I totally see from both perspectives. Yes I'm so sorry you are grieving a horrible loss, and your BF is grieving too because he sees you drowning in depression, and it has changed you. Your BF is afraid of losing you and this relationship, and when it comes to dealing with someone grieving, he had no clue how to approach it and get his feelings across appropriately. Obviously he is just that kind of guy that had a rough life and didn't have proper guidance growing up. YES of course he was very insensitive, he needs to be told that, but in a serious calm manner.....please communicate better with him and correct his behavior.

 

I feel you should seek out grief counseling, because what you feel inside is showing on the outside. Even tho your BF is a negative force, which is only causing you more stress, look at it as a sign to go get some help for YOU, not him. It's one thing to grieve, but it's another when it takes over your existence, affecting you, your mental health, and your relationships. I have experienced great losses, and I understand how you can lose yourself.....it doesn't have to be this way, you can rise above it, and be happy with life again.

 

I know you are not going to dump your BF, so I'm not going to bother advising it, but what you can do it stand up to him, and get him to work through this with you through better communication. nothing will change unless you are willing to take the steps to make change happen.

 

Smackie made the point much more empathetically than I could.

 

This won't be a popular opinion, but I think you are gas lighting him a bit. Your comment:

 

"I seem to get offended by what everyone says, that's why I want opinions on whether that was a rude of him to say, or if he's trying to help me?"

 

It sounds like he is trying to give you suggestions to help bunch back to your old self. And you get mad because you take those suggestions as some type of personal insults. I know you are grieving the loss of your sister, but after 9+ months of snapping at your BF, it might be a bit much to take.

 

I didn't read your history, but from others comments, it appears your guy is not going to win BF of the year. Perhaps you should break up with him for those other reasons. But, I don't see him in the wrong on this point. Grieving a loss does not give you a perpetual green light to be constantly offended.

 

[insert appropriate empathetic comment here.] Perhaps you would be better off without your boyfriend. You might be going down that path whether you are intending to or not.

[preraph]

Your whole package changed with what happened to your sister, so that's how he sees it, all one big ball of wax -- and to be frank, after what you wrote, it IS one big ball of wax. You're reacting in strange ways because you're focused on your sister's death and trying to demonstrate your loyalty and love through rejecting anything that is associated with it. I'm sorry, but that is not healthy. I am very, very sorry for your loss. A friend of mine became a teen alcoholic when something similar happened to her. It's hard. But I want you to look at it from your sister's point of view.

 

The very last thing she would want is that you stopped being you and stopped loving life because of her passing. She is looking in on you from the afterlife going, "Please don't do that. Please don't make yourself unhappy. Please don't punish yourself. I only want joy for you."

 

You have got to learn to compartmentalize the grief. If you haven't already, get online and read about the stages of grief to give yourself some perspective. And then assess where you are in it.

 

Then as soon as you can, start making your way back from it. Give it a prayer in the morning and before bed or something like that when you think about it and speak to your sister's spirit. Then do what she'd want you to do and embrace anything that can bring joy back into your life. Give her her time, but start the road back to joy. Find something every single day that brings you joy, whether it's playing with your dog or getting a kitten or skating or watching reruns of your favorite sitcom or movie. Make yourself laugh. Let yourself laugh. Do that for your sister.

 

Then decide whether your bf is part of your joy or not. No, you don't have to go drunk-driving or anything, but that shouldn't stop you from going out and seeing the music you love. Your sister doesn't want you to give up your beloved music! She also doesn't want you to try to erase yourself by giving up dressing up and makeup. She doesn't want you discarding your bf because he feels he doesn't know you anymore. So as soon as you can, compartmentalize the grief and give it its sacred place, but be whole again as much as you can. If you really don't care anymore whether your bf finds you hot, then maybe it is time to dump him. I don't know. But I don't think this is about him. He just wants his joy back, and you were it.

 

Again, I'm sorry, so sorry about your sister. Remember that how long you grieve is no indication of how much you loved.

Edited March 18, 2016 by preraph