yellowhibiscus Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 I'm coming out of a toxic relationship and not ready to date right now but am thinking about all of the red flags that I ignored over the past few years. When I am ready to date, I definitely know I will be more aware of these. Some of them include: 1). Calling most women they know crazy or psycho- including me, my mom, all past girlfriends, sister and his friends that were girls 2). Not having a close relationship with family 3). Talking sh*t about most of his friends behind their backs and then acting like they are the best thing ever when they are with them. If they can do that with other people, you know they will do that to you. 4). Going through phone or computer after only a few months of dating 5). Being extremely jealous or possessive after only a few months of dating 6). Lacking empathy or an ability to try to see other people's points of view I'm curious, what are yours??? 2
okc85 Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 They call other people crazy, but lack the self awareness to see their own craziness. They have someone hovering around who wants to date them. They blow hot/cold. One day, totally into you, next day, very distant. UGH! 4
Tahirthegreat Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 They have a bunch of opposite sex people people calling all the time that are just "friends". 2
salparadise Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 (edited) 6). Lacking empathy or an ability to try to see other people's points of view This is a biggie for me. I don't think I could tolerate being with anyone who has no ability see issues from multiple perspectives, to put themselves in another's place and share feelings even when their agendas are not aligned. This is fundamental difference in personalities, maturity, evolution. It's also important to be able discern between those who actually feel and those who only pretend. Edited March 18, 2016 by salparadise 9
Lady2163 Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 I've had a couple of toxic relationships. A couple of them were definite narcissists. Warning signs 1. Drinking, gambling and drugs. I know people are a lot more lenient with marijuana than I am, but where I live, it is ILLEGAL. Flouting the law is a warning sign. I'm not talking about the person who occasionally speeds, but a daily pot smoker is trouble. Oh - if they have any kind of money trouble and drink, gamble or do drugs....WARNING! 2. Not having anything nice to say about mothers, grandmas or sisters. Listen to the content - obviously some families are abusive. But if he doesn't stay in contact with his mother or remember her birthday and holidays that's a sign. I find it worrisome when there's no indication of abuse and a man isn't close with his mother. That should be the first person he ever loved. 3. Adult children of alcoholics. ACOA. They aren't intentionally toxic, but in the therapy world, they were called "self-opening pinatas". They carry a tremendous amount of baggage. Its a warning sign that your relationship may need a lot of work, not that they are bad people. 4. Money troubles. I've worked hard and sacrificed materialistic things and vacations to get where I am. Most of the men I date make a good income, money troubles tell me they may have bad impulse control. 5. Being all too willing to ask you to do things, not being self sufficient. This one may be tougher to explain. One time, years ago ex boyfriend and I were watching a cliff hanger season finale. The tension on the screen is building. Will the hero survive? It was a show that both of us were avid fans. In the middle of the scene he finishes his drink. He turns to me and says, "Hey, could you get me some more ice tea?" He wanted me to stop watching, walk two rooms away and fill his glass - in his house. I told him I would at the commercial (this was before dvr). But that one moment made me realize all the times he asked me to fetch for him and run errands. He had time to run the errands, was maybe even in the vicinity, just he didn't respect my time. Self sufficiency. Very quickly in the relationship he's asking or expecting you to do his laundry, clean his place etc. 6. Being too close with ex girlfriend. Forcing you to spend time with ex girlfriend. Comparing you to ex girlfriend, even worse doing it when she's sitting right there. "See how nice Jane looks? I wish you looked that good." 1
Under The Radar Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 This is a biggie for me. I don't think I could tolerate being with anyone who has no ability see issues from multiple perspectives, to put themselves in another's place and share feelings even when their agendas are not aligned. This is fundamental difference in personalities, maturity, evolution. It's also important to be able discern between those who actually feel and those who only pretend. I agree. This is by far the biggest red flag for me when interacting with others ...... whether on a plutonic or romantic level. It's amazing how many people will catastrophize their own situation, but when that same experience occurs to someone else ...... or even something worse ...... their standard operating procedure is to be dismissive of that person's plight ...... because it's not happening to them. Lack of Empathy = Failing at Life Good luck with that ...... you're going to need it. 2
salparadise Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 I agree. This is by far the biggest red flag for me when interacting with others ...... whether on a plutonic or romantic level. It's amazing how many people will catastrophize their own situation, but when that same experience occurs to someone else ...... or even something worse ...... their standard operating procedure is to be dismissive of that person's plight ...... because it's not happening to them. Lack of Empathy = Failing at Life Good luck with that ...... you're going to need it. Yup, and another thing about this larger, general characteristic... it incorporates or eliminates a lot of specific behaviors/characteristics such that you don't have to be thinking what's the meaning of this or that little thing. It separates the population into two groups... more evolved, and neanderthal 1
Miss Peach Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 One of the ones I have on my list are people who aren't what I call intentional. Basically if something bad happens they blame everything on that. They stay stuck and can't move forward. I want the person who gets an obstacle and does things to overcome it - emotionally, physically, financially, etc. 2
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