lionsault Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half. When we first started dating, he told me he's had a FWB on and off since high school and they were still friends. They had hooked up a few weeks before we started dating. Now, I get it. In situations like these, it's purely sex. However, the relationship I was in before this one, the guy I was dating was friends with a girl that had a crush on him forever and they had hooked up a few times. This was a hellish situation that caused me a lot of pain and I swore I would never date someone that was still friendly with a former fling again. I'm not saying other people should think like me, this is just a personal preference. Early on in my current relationship, she would call him several times when she knew he was with me to ask when he was going to come over and hang out with her. This happened quite a few times and I grew increasingly frustrated by it. He informed me that right after he broke up with his ex, the FWB then broke up with her boyfriend. They basically hooked up all summer. And then he dropped a bomb on me that he had cheated on a previous girlfriend with this girl. I immediately told him I didn't want to continue the relationship if this girl was going to be around, that he had some thinking to do, and I told him to leave. He got upset, told his best friend about it, and then they went to hang out at this girl's house where his best friend told everyone there, including the girl, about this situation. My boyfriend and I talked the next day (before I knew about his best friend spilling the beans) and he said he wouldn't hang out with her anymore. Then it became a ****ing war because his best friend was friends with this girl and was dating her best friend at the time. His BFF completely **** all over me because "I want to hang out with my best friend and my girlfriend, my girlfriend wants to hang out with me and her best friend, and (BF) wants to hang out with you. I don't understand why this has to be so difficult or dramatic." Whatever. BF's sister is friends with her as well and pretty much said the same thing that I'm crazy and dramatic (however, she did say she suspected that the girl had a crush on my boyfriend for a while, but she doesn't know for sure). My boyfriend did not stick up for me at all. When we talked about this later, he understood and said he should have defended me. The situation now is that my boyfriend's BFF is now dating the former FWB. Once again, hanging out together is "difficult" (not that I want to hang out with his BFF anyways because I think he's a tool for other reasons, but I digress) and you can tell my BF is annoyed about the situation all over again. I mean, am I being unreasonable here? I dealt with this for months over a year ago, I don't want to deal with it again.
zyphfly Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 I know it's very, very hard to walk away from a relationship that you've been in as long as you have, but what you're describing here sounds like you are two very different people. To some degree there is compromise in every relationship, but when your core values are at a conflict, and you are having to deal with this lingering situation, I can't imagine that's ever going to improve, or that you'll ever feel good about it. Also, this is just my personal opinion, but I find it rather tasteless that if he chose to stay friends with this girl that he would've even told you that they previously hooked up, and if he really respects you that he would've continued to have her in his life at all after the two of you started getting serious. Then you add into that equation that you don't like his best friend, which isn't likely to change, and that you feel he doesn't stick up for you. It just seems to me like it's more complication than it's worth.
Miss Peach Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 I would feel uncomfortable in your situation too. I wouldn't want the woman my BF falls back on and she likes him to be around. The part that was most concerning to me is that he isn't backing you up and his social circle isn't too. I would want to feel like the priority if I was dating someone for a year and a half and I'm not sure your BF's actions are saying that. I think the boundary you set forth is reasonable. I think at some point you need to walk away from this, you both need to compromise (like you see her only in a group setting), or he needs to back you.
PegNosePete Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 he dropped a bomb on me that he had cheated on a previous girlfriend with this girl. I immediately told him I didn't want to continue the relationship if this girl was going to be around, that he had some thinking to do, and I told him to leave. He got upset, told his best friend about it, and then they went to hang out at this girl's house Wha...!! I would regard that last part there as, "he clearly made his choice". You made it clear to him that if he hung out with her, you'd be gone. Now you should stick to your word, and be gone. This whole thing sounds like a boat load of drama just waiting to explode. If I were you I'd make sure I'm nowhere near any of them when it does.
stillafool Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 No you are not wrong at all in the way you feel. Your bf is not going to give up his BFF and it seems that the former FWB will always be around scoping out your bf. This is a lose lose situation and if I were you I would break up and start over with someone else who understands boundaries.
Toodaloo Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 It sounds as though you are young. Most friends do not last forever even BFF's. You have made it clear what you expect. He has acted as best he can. I am guessing it will fade anyway so just chill out, smile and be happy. By the way if the old FB is now with his mate she can compare penis sizes etc... I doubt your BF will want to go back there. Let it drop, smile and be friendly. Be the better woman.
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