apathetic_dinosaur Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 As the title says, I'm new. As of yesterday, I broke things off with my girlfriend of 4 years. It was extremely difficult and I'm now finding myself almost regretting it. We've lived together for a while, and after I broke things off yesterday she went to stay at her mom's place; I on the other hand had nowhere to stay BUT the apartment we shared. I made every effort I could to stay out for as long as possible. I drove all the way to Seattle and back from my home in Portland; didn't get home til almost 4 in the morning. It didn't really sink in until just a couple hours ago, I was over at a coworker/friend's house getting things off my chest when her and her girlfriend needed to go to dinner with her parents. As soon as I got home an hour ago I totally broke down. My head knows it was the right decision, she was unhappy, I was unhappy, she wouldn't end it, so I did. She came to our apartment around 10 this morning to pick up a few things and to talk. It felt like I had to break up with her all over again. She just kept trying to make it work. I explained to her every grip she had with me and the gripes I had with her and she wanted so badly to have another chance to fix them. Her and I had been through this a couple times, most recently in September, and nothing has changed. I'm still emotionally unavailable and distant, I tried fixing it but I can't. She's needy and wants to spend every waking moment with me. I just feel so guilty. A major personality flaw of mine is the visceral reaction I have when I upset someone. I cannot STAND it. I was her first real boyfriend, I'd had quite a few girlfriends before her, but never for the length of time we were together. She's moving all her stuff out next weekend, I'm waiting to hear back on an apartment I applied for today. Sorry for the rant, but I only have a couple people that are even remotely appropriate to talk to about this. And the plus with talking to strangers on the internet is anonymity, I can blubber all I want while typing and not feel like a complete fool. Anyways, thanks
bathtub-row Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 I'm really sorry for what you're going through. There is no easy way around it except to just let yourself get through it. The things you talk about in terms of the heartache and not being able to stand hurting someone is exactly why a lot of people stay in relationships that simply don't work. I can only say that if you two have been through this before and nothing has changed, you can't keep kidding yourself and think things will magically improve. They just won't. So no matter how much you hate doing this and hate going through it, I think you know in your heart that it's the right thing to do. It sounds like you just reached your limits and needed to do something. Keep reminding yourself that you will both get past this and feel whole again someday. Keep reminding yourself about why you did this in the first place. In situations like this, it's really important to think long-term; knowing that the future with some relationships looks very bleak. It's tough breaking the connection but you will be ok.
Toodaloo Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 Seems to me as though you have done the right thing. Only thing left now is to divide up the home and move on. Good luck.
PegNosePete Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 I explained to her every grip she had with me and the gripes I had with her and she wanted so badly to have another chance to fix them. I wouldn't recommend doing this any more. The reasons for the break-up might be totally logical to you, but she is not thinking logically. It is better to simply say that you don't feel the relationship will work any more. Your logical reasons, she can bargain, negotiate or argue with. Your feelings... she can't. They are yours and yours alone. If your mind is made up then negotiating serves no purpose but to prolong the process. Best to simply say you feel things cant be fixed and that is your final decision. No point haggling over the reasons for your feelings.
Author apathetic_dinosaur Posted March 19, 2016 Author Posted March 19, 2016 You have a very good point. I've accepted it'll take some time to feel better again, it helps being able to go do things with friends, not something I was able to do while with her. It's a weird mix of excitement about moving to a new apartment, anxiety about settling in to a new place and what the future holds, and sadness about the end of the one pillar of stability that I knew for the last four years. It certainly isn't my idea of a good time and I hope that one day she sees that I did it for her happiness as well.
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