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Why did my ex apologize after 3 years?

Ryan52

By Ryan52
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Ryan52 Member

Ryan52

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I dated this girl for 2 years and she left me for another guy. She said some pretty bad things to me during the break up. She would randomly contact me through out their relationship. The last time we talked (2 years ago) I told her I won't forget the good times we had and if she wanted to be back in my life, she would need to say sorry.

 

Well she got dumped by the guy she left me for 3 years after the BU. She then jumped into another relationship with another guy soon after. They are still together. But today, she sent me a facebook message (we are not friends on Facebook. I have not spoken to her in 2 years, and I havent seen her in 3). Her message reads:

 

"Hey ____. I hope you're doing well!. Hate to bring it up right off the bat, but im really sorry for how everything went down when we broke up. I just tried to do what I thought was best, and maybe it wasnt what was best for the both of us. Maybe I didnt handle it the best way that I could have and for that Im sorry. Anyways, I hope youre doing well! Im sure you are successful and doing good things. I have tremendous amount of good memories from college and our days together. They were fun times! Ill never forget the house on High, trips to the lake, our vacation and me living in ___ (my home town) for the summer, just to name a few. Anyways, I hope this message doesnt upset you. I really wish you the best! - ___"

 

By the way, the memories she brought up, were some of the ones I said to her in the letter 2 years ago. So what are her intentions?

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minimariah Established Member

minimariah

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breadcrumbs, she MIGHT be trying to get you back as the 2nd best option now that her first choice dumped her - IGNORE HER.

 

apology is RARELY honest - especially when it comes three years later; in her message - she is obviously fishing and flattering you far more than actually showing remorse and apologizing.

 

hit her with the block button and continue the NC. you can do better.

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Methodical Established Member

Methodical

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It's hard to say what her intentions are. She didn't ask to meet up, and she is in a relationship. Maybe as MM suggested, she's filling you out. Or, maybe she has been listening to the radio and Adele's song "Hello" triggered a need to make amends :). No way to really know. By stating, "I hate to bring it up right off the bat..." makes me think she's hedging for future contact tho.

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Ryan52 Member

Ryan52

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It's hard to say what her intentions are. She didn't ask to meet up, and she is in a relationship. Maybe as MM suggested, she's filling you out. Or, maybe she has been listening to the radio and Adele's song "Hello" triggered a need to make amends :). No way to really know. By stating, "I hate to bring it up right off the bat..." makes me think she's hedging for future contact tho.

 

Well I bet she didn't say she wanted to meet up because we live like 1.5 hrs away from each other

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Satu Established Member

Satu

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snip

So what are her intentions?

 

I hope that you are sufficiently over the breakup that her intentions don't matter.

 

If I were in that situation I'd delete the message and block her.

 

ymmv.

Methodical Established Member

Methodical

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You said if she ever wanted to get back in your life, she needed to apologize. She did that, very cleverly. The way she phrased her apology leaves it open ended in such a way that if you choose to not respond, it's not like a harsh slap in the face, yet she is reaching out. What do you want from this? Nothing? Friendship (that likely won't happen)? Possibly re-connect? You must have some desire; otherwise, you'd have deleted the message and not thought much of it.

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mightycpa Established Member

mightycpa

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Her intentions are to make peace with herself. My guess is that however her breakup went down, it was either really good or really bad. Maybe she got an earful from the guy, or maybe he showed her how to breakup with class. Whatever the catalyst was, it made her think of you, or more precisely, how she dealt with you. She feels bad about it, and in order for her to live with herself, she needed for you to know that she's taken a good look at her old self, and she didn't like what she saw.

 

Now here's the thing. One might think that she is apologizing for her dreadful behavior towards you. But if that were true, she'd seek your forgiveness. She's not doing that. What she is doing is completely for herself. She needs you to be the witness to her "enlightenment", and if it makes you feel bad, then, well, that's the price you're going to have to pay so that she can tell herself what a good person she really is by having openly admitted her misdeeds to you.

 

It's like taking a shortcut to step 10 of the 12 steps, because she's not going to make amends. Don't make the mistake of responding if you want anything at all from her, because short of her repeating what she has already said to you, you're not going to get it.

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Meli22 Established Member

Meli22

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I'd say either she feels genuinely bad for her own actions when she ended things with you, and now that her relationship has ended she's had some time to think about everything and she's making peace with herself. Or, you're a back up plan. Who knows. Question is more about what YOU want. If my ex came back now apologising, and it's only been 1 year, I'd find it strange but I wouldn't entertain it. 3 years is a long time. Perhaps she's matured in that time and realised she did a ****ty thing and just wants to make amends so that there are no hard feelings.

BC1980 Established Member

BC1980

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I'd say she might have gotten dumped, or she needs to make herself feel better. Apologies are usually about the one doing the apologizing, and it's usually done to make themselves feel better. It doesn't have much to do with you.

triple-s Established Member

triple-s

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I had this happen to me but not with an email but with a phone call ... an ex who cheated on me ( long story ) back in 2002 ... in the end i got fedup and i just moved on ... and im glad i did . looking back im thankful for the experience and she made me a strong person i am today .

 

A few years later suddenly out of nowhere i get a phone call from her sister asking if she can talk to me , i said sure . then she apologizes to me saying how she feels bad about what she put me thru and she was asking for my forgiveness . this was 5 years later .

 

I moved on . at the time she spoke to me i felt she was maybe regretting something ? or perhaps she genuinely feels bad and she knew i gave it my all ...

 

I was nice and polite . truth is i didnt care anymore .she chose to be with that other guy and has kids ... im done.

 

in your case op, ask yourself ... are you on this website trying to decipher what shes up to cuz you want her back ?

 

its safe to say she does feel bad for your breakup but HOW DO YOU FEEL

 

what are you going to do

Hoosfoos Established Member

Hoosfoos

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She is trying to make herself feel better.

Almond_Joy Established Member

Almond_Joy

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Reads to me like she needed to send that to you so she could feel better about herself. Had absolutely nothing to do with reconnecting with you, whether the apology means anything to you now.....nothing.

 

 

There is no good reason for you to respond to this message. She did what she had to do for her and her alone.

Zapbasket Established Member

Zapbasket

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I'm going to play devil's advocate and say that apologies are hard to do, no matter how much time has passed, and so, when someone makes that effort, it's probably pretty sincere.

 

After my 2007 breakup, the hurt I experienced made me realize my part in a falling out with a friend in 2004. I hadn't recognized it before; it took the emotional turmoil of my breakup to bring it home to me. That friend and I hadn't spoken since the incident in 2004, and out of the blue I called him. I got his voicemail and so I left a message saying how sorry I was, especially for not recognizing my fault at the time, and how I had valued his friendship and I wished him the best and said I still cared about him. He emailed me a long response, and we emailed back and forth for a while. He said he forgave me and he was sorry, too, for his part in it all.

 

What were my motives in calling that friend out of the blue to apologize? It wasn't necessarily to resume the friendship; in 2004 we already were growing apart and that rift just confirmed what was already happening. I called him to let him know that I valued him, and that my actions back in 2004 were not from lack of caring for or valuing him as a person, but rather a lack of my own awareness and maturity. My hope was that if he still harbored any hurt from my actions, his mind could be put at ease knowing that all along the safety net of genuine care was still there. It wasn't so much about him forgiving me as it was about him being able to know that through it all, he was loved.

 

Sometimes I think we on LS are a little quick to devalue apologies. Especially after years have passed, a person isn't apologizing so much for themselves as to acknowledge that their actions hurt you. Unfortunately, usually it is too late to restore a relationship, and usually the person apologizing knows this, which is why they rarely ask for anything. That doesn't negate the value of the apology, or devalue the intentions of the apologizer.

 

I suggest, OP, that you write her back and say you forgive her, that her actions hurt, yes, and so her apology does mean something. And leave it at that, without expecting anything more. No more needs be said at that point; the work of the apology is complete. She acknowledged to you that she is a flawed human being who made a misguided decision and she regrets it, looking back. By her writing, she doesn't sound like the most deep or articulate person, but she certainly sounds sincere.

  • Like 3
Marco Valerio Established Member

Marco Valerio

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I might agree with GreenCove that a little percentage of people do it for for good reasons, but almost all come from pure selfishness, to make them feel better about it and get something from it, a friendship, reconnection...

I do not believe that this should be an excuse to text someone after years from the BU. If you want forgiveness... forgive yourself from the person you were at the time, learn from it and be a better person from now on. But do not put someone from your past in the equation, there's no need for it.

 

If I was in this situation, I would not respond after 3 years, too late now for that moment of sincerity.

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Ryan52 Member

Ryan52

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So I took sometime and talked to a few people. In short, I did reply. But just a simple thanks and wished her well. I wrote like a 10 word message. It was just an acknowledgment of me reading it. I just wanted to be the bigger person. Yes everything she did, really killed me inside. It was horrible. For years I waited for this apology. But after three years and countless other girls, I got over it. I know I'm in a much better place in life than her. This is sort of due to the break up. I worked on myself and expanded my horizons. While she jumped from guy to guy and is no different than before. To show how this message really "hurt" me, I'm going on a date in an hour and I have another date tomorrow. I was just more curious on her intentions. I'll keep you guys posted if anything changes.

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