eddpad Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 I've been seeing a girl for about 3 months now. It's progressed quite nicely, and at a reasonable pace. In other words, we aren't rushing anything. What I'm having an issue with is her inability to open up to me. She is more on the reserved/guarded side, something she has told me on occasions before and even said that she is putting more effort in trying to be more open with me, which she has as of late. With that being said, she's never really been vulnerable with me and told me why she likes me, etc. I've always had to bring up that conversation. At our current stage, I would expect her to be a little more comfortable with these types of things, or even just giving me a call every now and then at night to catch up, etc. In other words, things that came about a lot easier with past relationships. That being said, she always texts me back, returns my missed calls with either a phone call or text and every now and then will initiative some sort of get together, but again, I can't determine if she like this because of who she really is or if it's because of waning interest. Does anyone have thoughts or recommendations based on past experiences or stories?
d0nnivain Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 At our current stage, I would expect her to be a little more comfortable with these types of things, or even just giving me a call every now and then at night to catch up, etc. In other words, things that came about a lot easier with past relationships. There is a difference between being reserved and being uninterested. At 3 months it's fine to expect her to initiate a phone call every once in a while. Her failure to do so is not about being reserved. To me a "reserved" person doesn't think every aspect of their life has to be on display for the whole world. A reserved person is more private & doesn't post every single thought that comes into their head on social media. They take their time & only reveal their true self to a deserving partner after a long time (think years) and then only after that person earns their trust. A reserved person's ability to keep things private has no bearing on their ability to take an active role in their own life by occasionally initiating contact with a partner. So what is your real concern - that she's not an open book or she doesn't even reach out? If you are upset that she doesn't share more, be patient, work harder to earn her trust which includes an element of not pushing for intimate details too soon. If she's making you take the laboring oar in contacting her all the time but not reciprocating, call her on it. Tell her to call / contact you because this one sided business is giving you the impression that she doesn't think you are worth effort. See how she reacts. 2
Author eddpad Posted March 18, 2016 Author Posted March 18, 2016 You bring up some valid points and I guess there are a couple of things here that concern me. The first, was her inability to open up to me more. I've never really been much of the initiator in any relationship and have always had girls express their interest and attraction in many different ways. That said, as of late this has subsided for me when we are together. She has been more comfortable holding my hand, etc. However, expressing herself verbally is not a strong suit of hers. but to your point, this might take a lot more time. The other aspect, which I think I probably have a harder time with is communication. As mentioned, we have lately been seeing each other on Saturdays and then try our best to meet up once during the week for either lunch or a drink after work. Personally speaking, I would like to hear this person's voice outside of 2 times a week and not have texting be 90% of our communication in between the times we meet. i'm just not entirely sure if I have an issue with this because it's something I need vs. reading into it as her disinterest. She was going to go out with me again this Thursday and even offered to get drinks after work, but out schedules didn't align. I would hope she wasn't going to this length if she wasn't interested.
d0nnivain Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 I suggest you tell her what you want. Say something along the lines of Hey, I like you & I think this is going somewhere but I have concerns because I always reach out for you but you don't contact me. Do you think you could call me once a week? 2
SwordofFlame Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 I've gone on dates with reserved women before. I think the two key things are to: 1) Don't try to justify all of her actions or inactions with the fact that you think she's reserved. 2) As long as the relationship is progressing, it should be fine. But if it seems like you've hit a wall and things are going nowhere. It's time to move on.
Miss Peach Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 (edited) OP - I am probably very much like this woman. I am affectionate, I respond, I let things progress but I'm not the type of woman who will be fawning over a guy, calling him, telling him all my feelings and secrets that soon. I won't waste time with someone I'm not into. I know this won't work for some men. Some men have commented they couldn't tell if I was interested. As long as things are progressing I think it sounds fine. There is a difference between being reserved and being uninterested. At 3 months it's fine to expect her to initiate a phone call every once in a while. Her failure to do so is not about being reserved. I was very interested in my BF but I didn't reach out until we were official. I tend not to reach out to any man first until we are official. But I always respond, always want to see him, never cancel, etc. Different people show interest differently. I do realize that a lot of men didn't call me back because they couldn't tell and went for the easier girl. I'm fine with it because in the end I tend to get guys who are really into me. I also appreciate a man who can lead. So doing this also filters out the men who can't or won't do this. On the dates I tend to do nice things like cook meals, bring treats, offer to buy a round of drinks, etc. so it does eventually work itself out and isn't completely one sided over time. She has been more comfortable holding my hand, etc. However, expressing herself verbally is not a strong suit of hers. but to your point, this might take a lot more time. The other aspect, which I think I probably have a harder time with is communication. As mentioned, we have lately been seeing each other on Saturdays and then try our best to meet up once during the week for either lunch or a drink after work. Personally speaking, I would like to hear this person's voice outside of 2 times a week and not have texting be 90% of our communication in between the times we meet. i'm just not entirely sure if I have an issue with this because it's something I need vs. reading into it as her disinterest. Are you two exclusive or do you see her as a GF? I know with me that helps me start to open up more. In any case it might be worth a talk to see if she's like this even after a lot of time. Verbal is what is hardest for me to share but it does come out eventually; especially if I have a verbal partner. Physical affection is what comes from me first. Have you read the 5 love languages? There are a lot of online articles about this too. If could partly be you communicate interest differently. The part that bothers me most are the schedules. Is this something she could invite you to or work around if you got more serious? If you want to spend 3-4 days/week at some point and she can't it might be wise not to get too involved. For me at least I can't date someone serious I can't get in person time with. If you have the need for phone time I would put it on the table. I totally understand wanting to build on the connection between dates. I wanted that from my BF but he's not a phone person so we eventually needed to accept or compromise there for it to work. Even though I never initiated with BF at the beginning I would now if he were more into phone time. Edited March 18, 2016 by Miss Peach
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