xpaperxcutx Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 I just planned my third date in 1 1/2 months with A, whom I met from Coffee Meets Bagel. I am really surprised at how well things are going with him, considering the last guy before him just decided to fade on me (See my last threads). A has been so consistent. He planned the last 2 dates, 2 weeks apart, to take me out to nice restaurants. He drove 40 minutes each way (Brooklyn to Queens) to pick me up and drop me off at my house. He paid for our dinner without me even knowing how much the meals cost. He texted me almost every morning to wish me a good day at work and also texted me immediately after he got off. He hasn't tried to escalate anything physical with me and neither has he tried to pulled the old " cook me dinner" trick. I have absolutely no anxiety. The thing is, I feel like my feelings towards him aren't as strong as I wish it would be. I don't feel butterflies in my stomach. Given my last dating experience, per everyone's advice, I haven't waited long to go out with him. We met two weeks after chatting online. I also haven't allowed myself to let my emotions run. I don't base our interactions off of our text. We have lengthy conversations at dinner, and we also always talk about his parents and siblings. There has been absolutely no talk about sex or anything sexual in nature. I also found out that he has only been in one relationship- 7 years long- and his ex left him for someone else. It kind of hit a note with me being that my ex also cheated on me. So right now, I'm happy with the way things are going but kind of feeling bummed that I don't feel that attraction towards him, not that he isn't good-looking. Any advice? 1
Redhead14 Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 I just planned my third date in 1 1/2 months with A, whom I met from Coffee Meets Bagel. I am really surprised at how well things are going with him, considering the last guy before him just decided to fade on me (See my last threads). A has been so consistent. He planned the last 2 dates, 2 weeks apart, to take me out to nice restaurants. He drove 40 minutes each way (Brooklyn to Queens) to pick me up and drop me off at my house. He paid for our dinner without me even knowing how much the meals cost. He texted me almost every morning to wish me a good day at work and also texted me immediately after he got off. He hasn't tried to escalate anything physical with me and neither has he tried to pulled the old " cook me dinner" trick. I have absolutely no anxiety. The thing is, I feel like my feelings towards him aren't as strong as I wish it would be. I don't feel butterflies in my stomach. Given my last dating experience, per everyone's advice, I haven't waited long to go out with him. We met two weeks after chatting online. I also haven't allowed myself to let my emotions run. I don't base our interactions off of our text. We have lengthy conversations at dinner, and we also always talk about his parents and siblings. There has been absolutely no talk about sex or anything sexual in nature. I also found out that he has only been in one relationship- 7 years long- and his ex left him for someone else. It kind of hit a note with me being that my ex also cheated on me. So right now, I'm happy with the way things are going but kind of feeling bummed that I don't feel that attraction towards him, not that he isn't good-looking. Any advice? Things are going good . . . I have absolutely no anxiety. I'm happy with the way things are A has been so consistent. So, basically, when you don't have anything to worry about, you worry about not having anything to worry about? Just set a mental time limit for yourself -- say another couple of weeks. See if he "grows" on you. He's doing lots of stuff right apparently. Give it a chance. If at the end of that time, you still aren't "feeling it", break it off. I have absolutely no anxiety. -- Let's see what happens when he stops being consistent or doesn't respond as quickly as usual or . . . 6
Els Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 I really don't think you should make yourself date someone just because he's doing all the right things. Attraction (not necessarily always physical, but still attraction) is a pretty important factor in relationships, even in long-term ones. Don't listen to the people who tell you attraction always fades - I know people who have been married for decades and are still attracted to each other. If you try to start off without that, you will be disadvantaging yourself severely. Plus, it isn't fair to him. Ordinarily I would say give it time... but you've been dating this guy for 1.5 months!! If you're not attracted, it's unlikely you are ever going to be. You could try to give it a couple weeks more, but if at 2 mths you still feel nothing, I think you should own up and be honest with him about that. Otherwise it's just stringing him along. 3
Satu Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 Three dates in one and a half months doesn't give you much to go on. Keep an open mind for a little bit longer. 2
Author xpaperxcutx Posted March 18, 2016 Author Posted March 18, 2016 (edited) I really don't think you should make yourself date someone just because he's doing all the right things. Attraction (not necessarily always physical, but still attraction) is a pretty important factor in relationships, even in long-term ones. Don't listen to the people who tell you attraction always fades - I know people who have been married for decades and are still attracted to each other. If you try to start off without that, you will be disadvantaging yourself severely. Plus, it isn't fair to him. Ordinarily I would say give it time... but you've been dating this guy for 1.5 months!! If you're not attracted, it's unlikely you are ever going to be. You could try to give it a couple weeks more, but if at 2 mths you still feel nothing, I think you should own up and be honest with him about that. Otherwise it's just stringing him along. I only seen him 2 times, every 2 weeks in between, so technically we're still in the get-to-know you stage. Third date is set up for next Friday, to see Batman Vs. Superman. I just don't get butterflies at all. I know with the last guy, I was really interested (even though on a physical level, he didn't have a six pack or anything). This guy is fit, he works out, but his personality is more reserved. If I was really into a guy I would want to kiss him, but so far, into date two, we have only hugged goodbye. I know I shouldn't rush, and I really am not rushing at all. I'm just a little worried that if after all this time with us texting and setting up dates, he will expect me and I find myself only liking him as a friend. This really sucks though- here is a really great guy who is treating me right and despite our compatible personalities, I end up not feeling any physical attractions to him. Edited March 18, 2016 by xpaperxcutx 1
Seteeri Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 You don't seem to be physically turned off by him, so as others have stated, give it more time for the emotional connection to build. It sounds like you're guarding your emotions due to whatever happened previously. You have to ask yourself - what is preventing you from "letting your emotions run"? IMHO, to create that emotional connection, both parties need to be in the right mindset (timing is everything, eh). Sometimes you can go through all the motions, do all the right things, but not feel anything. You might think you're ready, and tell yourself that, but when you meet someone you might realize you're actually not. So it's possible you're not ready to be vulnerable just yet, i.e. not over your past relationship. It's also possible he may not be either, but of course, I can't speculate anything on his part. You could try moving the conversations deeper...just wondering, does he know your ex cheated also?
Author xpaperxcutx Posted March 18, 2016 Author Posted March 18, 2016 You don't seem to be physically turned off by him, so as others have stated, give it more time for the emotional connection to build. It sounds like you're guarding your emotions due to whatever happened previously. You have to ask yourself - what is preventing you from "letting your emotions run"? IMHO, to create that emotional connection, both parties need to be in the right mindset (timing is everything, eh). Sometimes you can go through all the motions, do all the right things, but not feel anything. You might think you're ready, and tell yourself that, but when you meet someone you might realize you're actually not. So it's possible you're not ready to be vulnerable just yet, i.e. not over your past relationship. It's also possible he may not be either, but of course, I can't speculate anything on his part. You could try moving the conversations deeper...just wondering, does he know your ex cheated also? Trust me, I am over my ex. I really don't think about him in a romantic way at all. The thing is, given my most recent dating experience with the guy that faded, I have guards up again. I'm not going to go by how much he is texting me and I made it a point to tell him I wasn't going to text him at work because that would make bad habits for the both of us. (I got used to the last guy texting me at work). I just don't want to lay all my issues on the spot. No I haven't told me my ex cheated on me. I don't want to bond with a guy over past hurt experiences.
fitnessfan365 Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 Three dates in one and a half months doesn't give you much to go on. Keep an open mind for a little bit longer. I was gonna say... To be honest, something seems off about only having three dates in six weeks. Speaking as a guy, I can say that when you're interested in a woman you're seeing her at least once a week in the beginning if not 2x per week after the first month or so. So I'd be curious as to why there is so much time between dates. Usually it's because there's multiple women in the picture. 1
Seteeri Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 Ah, okay...yeah, it's best not to judge things based on people's texting styles. Some people can take days to respond and others are really fast, etc. Ofc, if you don't get a response for a week, that's probably not a good thing lol. Completely understandable since we all deal with things differently. I figured since he brought it up, it might give you guys more emotional insight into each other, although I don't mean to dig deep into it. Although at this point, it sounds like you've made up your mind already, since you perceive him as just a friend, which is not a good sign. Hmm, do you think he is moving too slow with things?
Author xpaperxcutx Posted March 18, 2016 Author Posted March 18, 2016 I was gonna say... To be honest, something seems off about only having three dates in six weeks. Speaking as a guy, I can say that when you're interested in a woman you're seeing her at least once a week in the beginning if not 2x per week after the first month or so. So I'd be curious as to why there is so much time between dates. Usually it's because there's multiple women in the picture. Well he did ask me out 2 weeks ago, even invited me to have dinner with his friends for Korean BBQ. But I declined. I'm currently in my last semester at college so I've been buckling down on my weekends to complete assignments. The rest of the week, we are both working 8 hour workday shifts. And basically I know how his weekends are without even asking him. He would text me on the weekends we don't see each other just to ask me how I am. Even just this past Monday after our 2nd date on Sunday, he came to meet me at a bakery. He told me about this place called Bibble and Sip in Manhattan, and I told him I was going to go there after work just to try their cream puffs. Surprisingly, he told me he was also leaving work and going there himself (even though it was not his cheat day given his strict diet). SO he went down there and met with me. We then left together for the train station, and he walked me to my side of the track in the rain before leaving. So yeah, his actions are telling me he isn't seeing another girl. If he was I doubt he would be texting me on weekends too.
joseb Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 So yeah, his actions are telling me he isn't seeing another girl. If he was I doubt he would be texting me on weekends too. Not to rain on your parade too much but that doesn't even remotely prove that! I think you need to meet up a bit more often personally. I agree one date every two weeks isn't enough really. It's good though that you are not over emphasise the texting. And that you are not rushing it too much. Now you just need to fan the flame a little to get it up and running.
Jejangles Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 In a way I could have written your post two months ago. I met a guy who was consistent, communicative and had no red flags but I wasn't sure I felt it. He definitely didn't give me any anxiety but I also wasn't feeling butterflies. At one point I was convinced I wasn't going to feel attracted to him, and that I could only feel attraction to jerks and lukewarm guys. However, every date we went on revealed we had more in common and zero red flags. I knew I needed to give him a really good shot or I was being a fool. We had a couple more dates and suddenly things revved up out of nowhere on the attraction front. And now we are in a relationship and he's the best guy I have ever dated, and I am very excited about the potential. I tried the same approach with a guy last summer and it never went anywhere because it became clear we had some huge incompatibilities. There was nothing "wrong" with him, he was clear, consistent and communicative as well but it just wasn't going to work. And I never felt that attraction to him. With both guys it took me about 5 dates (or a month) to decide which way it was going to go. So my vote is to keep trying and going on dates with this guy until you know for sure how you feel towards him. And on the movie date, try to get a little more touchy. It was actually a movie date, when my current guy made a little more of a move on me, where I realised that actually yes, I could feel super attracted to him! 1
smudge21 Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 Could it be that although you didn't like the way the last guy seemed to want to push things along, he did come across more in charge and demanding, which in turn made him more appealing in a sexual way. This new guy is softer, slower and clearly more understanding of the dating concerns everyone has, so is prepared to take his time and be a gent, and that isn't hitting those buttons for you. There's no danger, or worry, or uncertainty with him, which although mostly bad traits, they are still traits that we all get sort of excited about when we meet people. It's that old thing about going after the bad girl or boy over the nice ones. Although we hate the players we secretly are attracted to them for that very same reason. For you, this could be the difference between that fabled Alpha male (previous guy) and this Beta male. Obviously I can only speculate but I do think that we all get used to a certain type, excited by a certain type, even if often we don't want to, which can lead us to push away the nice ones and let in the bad ones. Give him some more time and just see where it goes. Nothing ventured, nothing gained... 1
Gaeta Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 So right now, I'm happy with the way things are going but kind of feeling bummed that I don't feel that attraction towards him, not that he isn't good-looking. Any advice? This is great ! My first observation is that it's normal to not feel butterflies if you only had 3 dates in 1,5 month. Why is there 2 weeks in between dates? This is not consistent enough to build a connection with someone. Forget about the butterflies for a moment. Not all relationships start with the sky opening up and lighting hitting you! If you enjoy his company, if you find him attractive, if his calls and text make you smile then pursue this !! I have told my story many times, I did not feel any special attraction toward my boyfriend until past our 3rd date. Then attraction and feelings slowly built up. Each time I spent time with him I liked him more and more! till I became completely crazy about him! I am totally into him, I don't want anyone else, he's got me 100%, yet I didn't go through the butterfly phase. So stop worrying, it's not a race !! enjoy it, enjoy having a man taking you out and treating you right ! 1
SwordofFlame Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 Well are you one of those women that either feels chemistry early on or never? Or one that needs time for it to build. If it's the former, don't string this guy along.
Author xpaperxcutx Posted March 18, 2016 Author Posted March 18, 2016 In a way I could have written your post two months ago. I met a guy who was consistent, communicative and had no red flags but I wasn't sure I felt it. He definitely didn't give me any anxiety but I also wasn't feeling butterflies. At one point I was convinced I wasn't going to feel attracted to him, and that I could only feel attraction to jerks and lukewarm guys. However, every date we went on revealed we had more in common and zero red flags. I knew I needed to give him a really good shot or I was being a fool. We had a couple more dates and suddenly things revved up out of nowhere on the attraction front. And now we are in a relationship and he's the best guy I have ever dated, and I am very excited about the potential. I tried the same approach with a guy last summer and it never went anywhere because it became clear we had some huge incompatibilities. There was nothing "wrong" with him, he was clear, consistent and communicative as well but it just wasn't going to work. And I never felt that attraction to him. With both guys it took me about 5 dates (or a month) to decide which way it was going to go. So my vote is to keep trying and going on dates with this guy until you know for sure how you feel towards him. And on the movie date, try to get a little more touchy. It was actually a movie date, when my current guy made a little more of a move on me, where I realised that actually yes, I could feel super attracted to him! How true of the bolded! My past dating history has been like that, I definitely dated guys who were more aggressive. The thing is, I know I am attracted to these types and I have tried to curtail that by talking to guys who runs outside my preferences online. The last guy was the same. I made that effort to put off meeting him until I got to know him more. But he still ended up being the non-committal type and wanting only to play around.
Author xpaperxcutx Posted March 18, 2016 Author Posted March 18, 2016 Could it be that although you didn't like the way the last guy seemed to want to push things along, he did come across more in charge and demanding, which in turn made him more appealing in a sexual way. This new guy is softer, slower and clearly more understanding of the dating concerns everyone has, so is prepared to take his time and be a gent, and that isn't hitting those buttons for you. There's no danger, or worry, or uncertainty with him, which although mostly bad traits, they are still traits that we all get sort of excited about when we meet people. It's that old thing about going after the bad girl or boy over the nice ones. Although we hate the players we secretly are attracted to them for that very same reason. For you, this could be the difference between that fabled Alpha male (previous guy) and this Beta male. Obviously I can only speculate but I do think that we all get used to a certain type, excited by a certain type, even if often we don't want to, which can lead us to push away the nice ones and let in the bad ones. Give him some more time and just see where it goes. Nothing ventured, nothing gained... Hey Smudge, I really think you hit the nail on this. Yes, I am attracted to confident and slightly aggressive men. I've dated guys who are passive, and I always felt like I had to take charge. I want a nice guy, but can it be a guy who also makes the first moves? I honestly never thought the last guy was an alpha, because he hadn't looked like one in his pics. I was actually trying to date outside of my preferences (which at this point has always ended up badly for me) and going for the guys who looks they want commitment. I really fell for the last guy and unfortunately, I also got burned.
Author xpaperxcutx Posted March 18, 2016 Author Posted March 18, 2016 Well are you one of those women that either feels chemistry early on or never? Or one that needs time for it to build. If it's the former, don't string this guy along. I'm not stringing the guy along. I am giving him and perhaps, us, a chance. The thing is I know how I am as a person. I'm worried that if I don't start feeling any attraction towards him, I might only consider him as a friend.
Gaeta Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 I'm not stringing the guy along. I am giving him and perhaps, us, a chance. The thing is I know how I am as a person. I'm worried that if I don't start feeling any attraction towards him, I might only consider him as a friend. As you are changes and evolves every day. Don't sabotage yourself with 'I used to'. He's a new man, a new situation, let it unfold with no preconceived ideas.
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