jamesbdrummer Posted March 17, 2016 Posted March 17, 2016 So my ex and I live together. She broke up with me 2 weeks ago, but keep in contact through one or 2 texts a day. She comes home some nights, and will be gone on others... But I sleep on the couch, and every morning that she wakes up here, she will come and sit next to me and chat while we smoke a cigarette together. Our problems that lead to the break-up were insecurity and problems with being open. So recently I've been reading a lot about vulnerability and how it can empower you and create a better connection. So instead of hiding my feelings or taking bull advice from the internet about no-contact, I just talk with her and tell her how I'm feeling. She won't share as much (but that's not something I'm concerned about). Even in these short morning chats, I feel connected to her and I know she feels it, but she is determined to stay the course of figuring her life out. Some days she says she is going to stay here for 4 months til the lease is up, and somedays she says she will move out as soon as she has the money (Which isn't going to happen, cause she makes very little money and can barely afford splitting rent with me). Plus, it's weird, but she is super empathetic to me. I talk about how I'm feeling in the moment, and if I'm fine then she's happy for me, if I tell her it's been a really hard day, she authentically apologizes. So she almost is never home, except to sleep. She sounds depressed, but claims that she is actually very happy and enjoying herself, but when I ask, "how are you?" she just mumbles, "I'm fine." Either she wants to hide her happiness from me or she isn't happy... I don't know and she won't tell me. But the weird bit is that I told her that it's like she died. All her stuff is here, but never moves or gets used, so I have all the mementos of her and her ghost comes to haunt me some mornings. She said, "That's really sad. I'm so sorry, James." Does anyone have an insightful thoughts as to her psychology? I like to think that she's got to figure out and she won't/can't move out because she wants to know it'll all still be here when she finally decides. I asked her why she doesn't come home and she says that it doesn't feel like home. But when I ask her what I can do to help that, she says nothing. It's not a hostile environment. Another weird thing. I know she is spending a lot of time with another guy, but at least once during our morning chats, she off-handedly says,"man, this ****ing period has lasted three weeks." (which I always say,"yeah, that's normal for you right.", cause she is irregular and spots throughout the month.) What the **** is that information about? I'm comfortable in my skin. I'm not forcing anyone to move out, i'm not moving out, and other than the fact that I don't want to lose her forever, I'm accepting that she has curiosity and a desire to figure out her life (I just hate that it's with another dude.) Anyway, I just wanted to share and get some feedback or advice. This forum is a fantastic coping strategy for me, because I tend to over-analyze and it gives me hope. False or not, it's still something to get me to continue moving. So, if you have any insight or are a psychologist, let me hear your thoughts. Thanks, James
LD1990 Posted March 17, 2016 Posted March 17, 2016 It sounds like she is moving on with her life and living with you out of convenience. How she acts with you sounds exactly like a normal person would act in the same situation. Don't read too much into off-hand comments - you're probably placing more importance on her period comment than she ever did. Living with her isn't healthy for you and is going to hold you back from healing. No contact is recommended so often because it's the most effective way to get over an ex.
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