24 y/o, 6 year relationship, 2 1/2 months post-BU. GIGS? Story Time. (LONG)

[OregonGuy]

First post here, but I have found this forum to be more than a great help with dealing with my break up. I have a hell of a story (aren't they all tho?) to tell, and would love to hear any feedback and thoughts.

 

I was with my girlfriend for just about 6 and a half years, we broke up a few days after Christmas (she dumped me). We both had a few very short relationships before we got together, so virtually all of our relationship experience comes from what we had.

 

We started dating in high school, and were best friends ever since. We have always gotten a long great, with a few hiccups in the road (we dating from 17 - 23 so we 'grew up' with each other, so to speak). We have always talked about kids, a family, and spending our lives together. That's the way our families have generally done it, long lasting healthy relationships. For the vast majority of our relationship, this girl was HEAD OVER HEELS in love with me. I never woke up without a good morning text or went to bed without a goodnight.

 

We did everything together for the next 6 years - traveled, traveled internationally, made the best love almost daily. We were there for each other when both dealt with family tragedy, etc. Her family LOVES me, and my family loves her too. Ask anyone in her family, and they would have bet anything that the two of us were going to be married and happy a long time. Hell, she was never shy about expressing our love to everyone, how much she looked forward to our future, how great a father I was.

 

We lived together off and on over the years, but it was always in my place shared with my parent (paid rent tho). We were essentially a married couple, and that's what we were referred to as. And we were both more than happy with that and our future.

 

Within the last 6 months, things started to change a little bit. She stopped taking classes to work (was only a few away from what she needed for the program she wanted to do), and I got complacent myself. Totally satisfied to spend every evening on the couch or in bed cuddling without actually putting any effort into the relationship. She got a crappy job working retail, and I was going to school part time and working part time. We started to stagnate a bit.

 

But that was no matter, we both are getting a little older and we begun discussing moving out into our own place even more. With the time table we set, this summer would have been when we moved because we could afford it. Things were starting to materialize in the way we always wanted. Although, we did argue more at this time, because like I said, things got stale and we were both complacent.

 

Fast forward to December. There is a coworker at her job that she mentioned asking for her number etc (See where this is going? Wait, there's more) and flirting with her. No big deal usually, but at this point in my life, I reacted to it with a pretty intense insecurity. Asking about it every day, saying she should quit (not proud of how I acted), essentially worrying my ass off about this guy.

 

So as the month goes on, I feel things starting to change a little bit. She got a small promotion and was working basically full time, and I knew she was probably around this guy a lot). As Christmas gets nearer I can't help but feel she was detaching a bit. Of course she denied this when I asked (pushing her away further?).

 

Two days after Christmas, we had plans in the morning which she abruptly cancelled last minute. Throughout the day, our texting was odd, and I knew something up. I asked her if she was still coming by later, and she said "Yes. We need to talk"

 

Cut to the chase, we talk. We sit down, and here's what I remember the conversation to be

 

Her: I don't know anymore

Me: You don't know?

Her: I just don't know

Me: So basically this is us breaking up

Her: Yeah

Me: For good?

Her: Yeah

 

She's crying, wants to leave etc, says she will come get her things (she essentially lived with me 75% of the time, had most of her clothes here).

 

So I was obviously in a state of shock, pretty devastated, and kinda just sat in bed for the next 5 or 6 hours (till about 3 am). She texts me after a few days asking when a good time to get her stuff would be. I tell her and she says okay. Of course she doesn't show, and a day or two later she texts again asking about if another time is okay, and how she would prefer if I was not there when she came. I say okay, and after about two weeks she came and got everything.

 

Of course, I was so hellbent on getting her back I thought her leaving her stuff here was a sign she might change her mind. I never texted her once first during all of this, I was aware of NC already. I did however always ask when she texted me if we could talk, to which she would say she's not ready. (All of this happened in the first two weeks)

 

So she says she will text me within a week, the week rolls around and I don't hear from her. I text her and she says "Sorry I'm just not ready yet" and of course I try to change her mind and of course that doesn't work.

 

I'm devastated during this period. Absolutely demolished. I think I had maybe 150 calories a day during the first two weeks, I could not eat at all. I could not sleep.. I'd fall asleep at 2 AM and wake up at 5:30 AM, desperately reaching for my phone hoping so bad to see a text or anything from her.

 

So the week goes by, and another week, and it's been about a month since we broke up. Two weeks since she said we would talk (in this period I did not text her - I was NC)

 

Thru the grapevine (more on this later) I heard she was in fact talking to someone. And also there was a rumor going around that I had slept with a mutual acquaintance (total BS). Me, being the guy I am, and being in the mindset I was, would not tolerate this. I showed up at her mom's where she lives, and went to her room to talk to her. I open the door and there was definitely immense surprise on her face, probably mirroring the intense high I felt from seeing and smelling her again.

 

We talked for about two hours. One of the first things she said was "I am talking to someone" and I'm sure you can all guess who this person is. Her coworker. They had been hanging out since New Years. 4 days after we broke up. She said she would always love me. Always keep our mementos (we traveled internationally on our own, we came back SO strong) She mentioned many things like how amazing our sex was, how she doesn't think she could ever hook up with someone else now (lol) but had mentioned they had kissed. I said I'll leave the door open for us in the future, but when I walk out of this room, we are done for now. I told her I'm deleting her on facebook, instagram, etc and that I'm moving on. Both of us cried. I tried kissing her and she would not let me.

 

I walked out of the room that day and I stuck to what I said. I have not contacted her. I checked her facebook and instagram multiple times every day - since stopping this I've felt much better. I haven't texted or anything one time. So, since this was early February, we've officially been NC for about a month and a half I guess.

 

So the grapevine I was referring to is one of our mutual friends (a female, who happens to be my ex's best and really only friend) and my ex's sister. Both are people I am very close to, I've known the mutual friend longer and her sister is essentially my little sister, and they are both important to me.

 

So here we are about 2 and a half months post break up. I still communicate with the mutual friend often (Snapchat every day) and her sister as well. In fact, I have gone out to eat multiple times with the two of them as friends since the break up.

 

Here's where this story gets funky.

 

This guy she left me for is 19. (He'll turn 20 around when she turns 24). He is fat, and unattractive. He has multiple medications he has to take daily (depression, OCD, and some other stuff) According to her sister and friend, they hang out CONSTANTLY) They are either working together or hanging out EVERY DAY!

 

Back to this guy. He has those mental problems (no hate to anyone intended. just trying to paint a picture) and he REFUSES to talk to her sister, or bestfriend. And he also will not meet her father - he's too scared. Compared to me, who will drink a beer and talk **** with her father. He called me the son he never had. He has no friends. Her sister and the mutual friend said they tried giving him a chance, but he's basically weird and a jerk and they essentially want nothing to do with him. As well, they are shocked and hurt by this too as they both wanted us to be together. Everyone around her is shocked and doesn't get it.

 

So I'm hanging out with the two of them last week and the friend drops a bomb on me: the two of them are looking at places to rent together. Two months after leaving our 6 and a half year relationship, she is talking about moving in with this weirdo. - Also, apparently they already talked kids because he told her he only wanted to adopt..and having kids has always been very important to her.

 

The people around her seem to think that she's using him to get over the break up. Apparently she has cried multiple times over missing me, only to go hangout with him later. Saying things like "If I got pregnant with OregonGuy, it would have been the best thing ever, but if I did with new guy, I'd kill myself" < - a quote told to me by an acquaintance. She even told me when I went over there to talk "I know I might be making the biggest mistake of my life"..wtf?

 

The girl I loved for so long and wanted to build a future with would have NEVER done something like this. And she would have LAUGHED her ass if she heard about someone our age leaving a good guy for a 19 year old.

 

 

I have never known pain like I dealt with when we first broke up. It's literally amazing to see how much I've grown as a person since then. I learned a ton about myself in these last two months. I am so much more self sufficient, and I know my next relationship will prosper due to the growing I've done.

 

 

I'll also answer any questions someone might have.

 

Do you guys think this is a GIGS/Rebound type deal? I don't even know If I want her back, it would have to be down the line with serious regret on her end. I genuinely feel bad that she did not experience the growth I had during the breakup period.

[LD1990]

It could very well be a rebound, but you should stop talking about your ex and her new boyfriend with people. All it does is hold you back. I get it, it's hard, but you end up wasting time over analyzing the situation. She broke up with you. It doesn't matter who she dates, what she does, or how much she has grown or not grown from the break up. Talking about her only keeps her in your head.

[OregonGuy]

It could very well be a rebound, but you should stop talking about your ex and her new boyfriend with people. All it does is hold you back. I get it, it's hard, but you end up wasting time over analyzing the situation. She broke up with you. It doesn't matter who she dates, what she does, or how much she has grown or not grown from the break up. Talking about her only keeps her in your head.

 

 

 

I don't talk about her with people - it came up when hanging out, but I don't bring it up and it's a small percentage of the conversation. And my healing is moving along and I'm the best I've been since the break up. I've had a lot of luck with online dating, and I have a fun fwb. I'm doing pretty good right now.

 

Keeps her in my head? I spent over a quarter of my young life with her. She's going to be in my head forever, but that doesn't mean it's in a bad way. No part of my post was about trying to get her back, or analyzing the situation for answers. There's no question I am even asking. I just wanted to share my story and see what others thought.

 

Thanks for your insight.

[OregonGuy]

Anyone else read that novel (lol) and want to chime in?

[OregonGuy]

Bump. Anyone?

[andrem11]

Oregon Guy,

 

Sorry to hear about your situation. Sounds like a real kick in the balls, but anybody going through that will come out on the other end a much better person.

 

Honestly, even if it is a GIGS/Rebound type situation, this girl left you to be with someone else. How do you know that she wouldn't do it again. I'm not against reconciliations, but she better come crawling back to you if you ever give her a chance again. I know it doesn't seem it right now, but you will find someone out there who will appreciate you for you and not take you for granted. Stay strong man, each week will be better than the last. Make sure to remain NC.

[bummer]

Sorry about your loss. Sounds like everything was great but the all powerful GIGS came to play too. I know the feels.

 

Don't talk with her sister and bf, do yourself the solid to fully heal by staying true nc. That way her dating factoids don't drag you to LS to ask us to beat up on this new weirdo. Be happy for her, stop judging what you don't know, thank her for your time together, and move on with your online success and fwb. Congrats on moving on so quickly yourself.

 

My humble advice is keep up the dating and avoid trying to rebound into a long term relationship for a good while until you solidify your school work career life direction independently of girls.

[MIK3 WB]

Hey man, currently going through the same thing (although we had been dating for half the time, the pain is still terrible).

 

I encourage you to read up on my thread as people have offered me great help and I feel like it could spill over to your situation.

 

Trying to Purge my Toxic Hatred

 

TL;DR version: My ex and I were eachother's first loves. Co worker starts flirting with her and they get close. She breaks up with me. I see them together 2 weeks later in public holding hands on the way to his place. Initiated NC since and haven't looked back.