dealing with the humiliation.

[HereNorThere]

There are a lot of different reasons a BS feels humiliated. Off the top of my head-

 

- Most men and women want to feel like they satisfy their partner sexually. It's a major blow to the BS to find out their efforts were not good enough. Some betrayed husbands become obsessed with idea of not being able to please their partner. Regardless of the true nature of the marital sex, it's always going to be an ego blow

 

- Choosing a partner of poor morals and values makes feel like you aren't good enough to get anyone better. It's humiliating to know that you're married to a promiscuous, untrustworthy person. At the very least you feel like you lack good character judgement skills

 

- Your intelligence is insulted from all the lies you believed or obvious red flags you ignored because you were taught to trust your partner. You're humiliated when you explain things to people that aren't being gaslighted and realize you were being pretty naive.

 

- You can be humaliated based on the type of person they cheated with. If he's richer, better looking, whatever you'll be humilated by how you look and feel like you do not make enough money to support your partners needs. It feels even worse when the person they cheat with is attractive or has less resources because it makes you wonder if your really as awesome as you think.

 

- If you have children, you'll end up humiliated every time you have to explain that their other parent didn't care enough about them to keep the home from breaking up. You're the one who picked that parent so it's humiliating to know you didn't make the best choice possible.

 

- In the dating world it's easy to feel humaliated when you have to explain that your last partner didn't think you were good enough. While some people formerly betrayed people understand, most people just think you're a chump that couldn't please his lady

 

The list goes on and on. There are other things that add humiliation including finding messages were they both talked crap about you or made fun. If they did it in your bed, car, with your kids home, if your friends knew, if videos were made and passed around to your friends, if it was a close friend, if she did sex acts that she denies you, if multiple people were involved... Just to name a few:love:

[dreamingoftigers]

that's what i mean -- your husband did something bad BUT you felt that humiliation, too.

 

why?

 

 

 

no, not really -- because those BS who leave feel humiliated, too. those who are left feel humiliated. i'm talking about the humiliation you feel right after the fact or right after realizing that everyone else knows and talks about it.

 

where does it come from? not sure. but it IS present.

 

also -- people feel less empathy for the BSs who are aware of the affair and chose to stay AND for the BSs who experience second or third or fourth affair and aware of all of them; at one point... forgiving and staying translates into tolerating and being a dormant which causes anger & lessens the empathy.

 

Abuse causes shame too. It's the primary source of it and I personally believe infidelity to be a clear-cut form of abuse.

 

It traumatizes and causes attachment issues.

The PTSD alone from it all is incredibly painful, draining and primal. It completely hits you on every level. You hear of weight-loss, shattered self-esteem and trouble sleeping.

 

So if anyone can rationally figure out why abuse causes shame, when clearly the abused isn't the abuser, then there's our answer.

[dreamingoftigers]

There are a lot of different reasons a BS feels humiliated. Off the top of my head-

 

- Most men and women want to feel like they satisfy their partner sexually. It's a major blow to the BS to find out their efforts were not good enough. Some betrayed husbands become obsessed with idea of not being able to please their partner. Regardless of the true nature of the marital sex, it's always going to be an ego blow

 

- Choosing a partner of poor morals and values makes feel like you aren't good enough to get anyone better. It's humiliating to know that you're married to a promiscuous, untrustworthy person. At the very least you feel like you lack good character judgement skills

 

- Your intelligence is insulted from all the lies you believed or obvious red flags you ignored because you were taught to trust your partner. You're humiliated when you explain things to people that aren't being gaslighted and realize you were being pretty naive.

 

- You can be humaliated based on the type of person they cheated with. If he's richer, better looking, whatever you'll be humilated by how you look and feel like you do not make enough money to support your partners needs. It feels even worse when the person they cheat with is attractive or has less resources because it makes you wonder if your really as awesome as you think.

 

- If you have children, you'll end up humiliated every time you have to explain that their other parent didn't care enough about them to keep the home from breaking up. You're the one who picked that parent so it's humiliating to know you didn't make the best choice possible.

 

- In the dating world it's easy to feel humaliated when you have to explain that your last partner didn't think you were good enough. While some people formerly betrayed people understand, most people just think you're a chump that couldn't please his lady

 

The list goes on and on. There are other things that add humiliation including finding messages were they both talked crap about you or made fun. If they did it in your bed, car, with your kids home, if your friends knew, if videos were made and passed around to your friends, if it was a close friend, if she did sex acts that she denies you, if multiple people were involved... Just to name a few:love:

 

On top of it, they essentially dumped you without even having the actual respect to dump you.

 

It's hard enough to lick your wounds after a sudden break-up, but this is just so much worse.

 

You were there, present everyday, a living breathing person and you were treated like you werent even there or that you didn't exist with enough significance to be regarded as a spouse.

 

I honestly felt like my husband treated me as if I didn't exist. He just lived like he walked through me, like air.

[DAO]

Being cheated on doesn't say one damn thing about you.

 

Being the parties involved in the affair says volumes.

 

So who exactly should be humiliated?

 

 

In addition to above

 

Total exposure is most important tool in the process of healing the victim/s(BS,children),as it helps to overcame the feelings of victimhood For example.The affair sex life of WS ,as a consequence cause BS to have the feeling of inadequacy .Keeping this feeling for himself/herself will trigger the shame in the victim(BS). The shame will cause the loss of the fate in the people,as the victim(BS) will think ,that people perceive him/her as inadequate person .In the order to hide the shame ,the victim(BS) will expose himself/herself to the gilt of not living authentic .honest life without hypocrisy. Total exposure eliminate all this. Victim(BS),exposing WS,gain the confidence,refuses to be victim.shakes off the feelings of victimhood ,does not accept the same of WS,and does not gilt trap himself/herself

[merrmeade]

One reason to feel humiliated and ashamed is that somehow you were too naive and should not have been duped. Another reason is that the wrong people know or found out, people who don't have your best interest at heart. It's hard to figure out who they are at first and that you don't have to buy into their judgments. They should not have access to your feelings.

 

Poor XY was caught by such a person. Sad because it will set her back. But her humiliation will be replaced by anger soon enough.

 

Just because people might have known that my H was two-timing me doesn't mean a damn thing. Anyone who can pass judgment on a little information is someone whose opinion I don't care about. But the personal sense of failure at not holding my spouse accountable and dismissing when I had the chance is sad for both of us.

[dichotomy]

Want retro humiliation ?

 

Try finding out at dDay that OM/MM was a guy she took you to have a beer with -along with other friends at the bar who knew. OR that other friends she introduced you to in her home town were past lovers - and you just shook their hands like they were good "friends".

[wmacbride]

i agree -- but that doesn't erase the feeling that almost all BSs feel: shame.

 

where does that SHAME come from?

 

 

I think that all you need to do is read the posts on here that drip with "it's all your fault. You must be one terrible husband or wife if your spouse cheated" There are many that say the opposite, but it's the feeling in the ones that do that stick with you

 

It also speaks to the truth that many bs really are not bad people, are not bad spouses and really have tried to do their best.

Edited March 18, 2016 by wmacbride

[Cymbeline]

I can honestly say that I do not feel humiliated for myself. I don't feel perfect and feel I dropped the ball in some aspects of my marriage.

 

the act of being betrayed is humiliating in that inevitably I must have been perceived as and portrayed as 'less than' the AP in many ways.

 

However, in order to be betrayed like this, I had to be treated at times as a non entity and a non person by my WH and AP. Ultimately, that humiliates them and not me. I'm not being determined or proud when I say this - I genuinely don't feel humiliated. And with some reservations, I've behaved well in the aftermath.

[katielee]

Want retro humiliation ?

 

Try finding out at dDay that OM/MM was a guy she took you to have a beer with -along with other friends at the bar who knew. OR that other friends she introduced you to in her home town were past lovers - and you just shook their hands like they were good "friends".

 

oh gosh, that would be very hard... cruel.

[EverySunset]

My humiliation went sooooio deep. When he temporarily relocated for work he told everyone we were separated or divorced, so when I came round, apparently to "reconcile", everyone treated me with kids gloves because they had been seeing him around with so many women.

 

It was empowering to leave him, and his BS, behind.

[dichotomy]

oh gosh, that would be very hard... cruel.

 

 

At the time, we were dating 6 months, and "I love you's" were flying, plans starting to be discussed for the future. She was MM's single mistress for two years and this was "their hometown bar" for meeting. She had stopped having sex with him, but was still in an emotional (hidden) relationship/affair and he was still married and still trying to get her to go back to having sex with him. This kind of relationship (emotional - sharing of feelings and details about me - and him sexting her) continued until shortly after our wedding.

 

All the other men were indeed friends (that she had slept with) and she asked them not to mention to me that they had been involved. They were not trying to have sex with her again, but they held on to some feelings for her anyway - and she talked with them about me until the wedding.

 

She claimed (defended) bring me around to see her MM and others - that she was "showing me off". I understand it was even more than this - it was part of a power play with her MM - who would never commit to her and also had other mistress and lovers. It was not just showing me off, but using me to rub in his face. He could have cared less - and continued to pursue her to go back to sex, and she kept him on a line, in case I would not marry her and because she had some unhealthy dependence on him.

 

This all came out after the wedding. It took year and years of work and couple therapy to make her understand how messed up she was in doing this. All contact was ended with all men form her past except one i was okay with.

 

11 years later, things are better, she is different, but it still hurts and I still get angry sometimes. That I would be used like this- behind my back - for some power emotional game with her MM and ex BF's. She was so messed up when I met her, I can see I was in love with "someone else" someone who might not have really existed at the time.

Edited March 18, 2016 by dichotomy

[TrustedthenBusted]

I went years, happy that nobody knew about her affair. Then just the other day in conversation ( about another affair ) I just said " Yeah, we went through that too."

 

The shock and awe on my friend's faces was incredible. Ken and Barbie had survived an affair!

 

The initial shock was huge, but it got even bigger when they asked who had the affair, and the answer was Barbie.

 

I felt zero shame. None. And I didn't let them rip her apart either. I told them it was horrible, we almost split up over it, but we worked it out, and are happy now.

 

Within minutes, we were back to talking about football, and it wasn't uncomfortable at all.

 

Looking back it's hard to believe i ever felt as humiliated as I once did.

[OneLov]

i agree -- but that doesn't erase the feeling that almost all BSs feel: shame.

 

where does that SHAME come from?

 

 

Shame - the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another.

 

Usually the consciousness occurs by acknowledgement of another (or several) or the potential exposure. It boils down to fear of perceived judgment(s) that may be held by a third party or the cheater him/herself . For ex. the list HereNorThere made.

 

Although sometimes guilt and shame are used interchangeably; they are not the same.

 

Guilt - a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.

 

Guilt implies a responsibility but not a consciousness. That is why guilt can be more easily managed or compartmentalized. For ex. a WS usually feels guilty prior to Dday or disclosure, but only after there is a consciousness (someone's independent acknowledgement/validation of the behavior that is dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc.) does he/she feel shame. Shame is much harder to manage because of the consciousness.

 

(Sorry for getting off track) However, it is important to illustrate why shame is much harder to suppress or shake. A BS should not feel either guilt or shame for the spouse's infidelity, but why do a lot of BS's feel shame? Most know and believe they are not responsible for either the behaviors of the cheating spouse, or at minimum, being a bad "picker." And he/she should never feel responsible and that is why most do not feel guilt. But he/she may still feel shame due to the perceived consciousness.

 

I know guilt was never mentioned, but I thought it would help to illustrate why the two feelings are very different, even though some people lump them together. Sorry if the above was not well written.

Edited March 18, 2016 by OneLov

[ladydesigner]

Want retro humiliation ?

 

Try finding out at dDay that OM/MM was a guy she took you to have a beer with -along with other friends at the bar who knew. OR that other friends she introduced you to in her home town were past lovers - and you just shook their hands like they were good "friends".

 

Yes this is a whole other level of humiliation. I too was introduced to the MOW before knowing my WH and her were having an A. My kids and I were introduced, we hugged, we welcomed her into my home. She was my WH's employee.

[katielee]

Yes this is a whole other level of humiliation. I too was introduced to the MOW before knowing my WH and her were having an A. My kids and I were introduced, we hugged, we welcomed her into my home. She was my WH's employee.

 

 

this is awful. I'm so sorry...

[dreamingoftigers]

Yes this is a whole other level of humiliation. I too was introduced to the MOW before knowing my WH and her were having an A. My kids and I were introduced, we hugged, we welcomed her into my home. She was my WH's employee.

 

My father did this to my mother too.

 

He even one day said "I'm taking Judy to lunch at nice restaurant. She says you make her feel uncomfortable so can you stay home this time? It's not fair to her."

 

What a moron. Seriously stupid.

[ShatteredLady]

I threw the OW a birthday party in our home because her boyfriend had dumped her & my H made me feel sorry for her. She acted like by best friend. Asked to look at our wedding album & 'accidently' spilt a glass of wine on it!

 

Oh fun times!

[ladydesigner]

I threw the OW a birthday party in our home because her boyfriend had dumped her & my H made me feel sorry for her. She acted like by best friend. Asked to look at our wedding album & 'accidently' spilt a glass of wine on it!

 

Oh fun times!

 

You too??? Ugh why are OW okay with this? I would have been mortified as an OW meeting the BS and having to pretend, no thank you!

[HereNorThere]

i agree -- but that doesn't erase the feeling that almost all BSs feel: shame.

 

where does that SHAME come from?

 

Shame is the feeling of humiliation and we've discussed that at length, so I don't get what you're asking.

 

shame

SHām/

noun

1.

a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.

[ShatteredLady]

I choose to believe that most women, OW wouldn't sink so low. I choose to believe that my H was going through a mental break. I choose...

 

The alternative is horrific. I choose not to even imagine how they discussed, planned & justified doing that to me. It wasn't an unavoidable situation. They planned & asked ME to throw the party for her in MY home with MY friends & their coworkers.

 

Ego trip?

 

At one point she lay on MY sofa & decared how perfect it would be if she had a man to hold her in his arms!!

 

She loved my house! I'd thrown my heart & soul into designing a dream HOME for us. What wasn't there to covert?

 

SHAME - "a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior."

Edited March 18, 2016 by ShatteredLady

[wmacbride]

I threw the OW a birthday party in our home because her boyfriend had dumped her & my H made me feel sorry for her. She acted like by best friend. Asked to look at our wedding album & 'accidently' spilt a glass of wine on it!

 

Oh fun times!

 

 

I don't understand the mindset of people who would do this at all.

[heartwhole]

There is a lot of shaming that goes on in our society. We shame others because we are afraid that the same thing could happen to us, so we act like they could have controlled it. One meaning of the verb "to shame" means to publicly humiliate. I think that's an important part of the equation.

 

In the OP's scenario, her distress had obviously become fodder for gossip. Think of Anna Duggar . . . many people like to say, "Oooooh! The drama! How could she not know?"

 

I think the best way to avoid this type of reaction is to surround yourself with people who don't act like this. I'm in a mom's group on Facebook and they are always talking about celebrities and who is cheating on whom. I don't even know who these celebrities are. My real-life friends talk about politics and world events and attend lecture series and demonstrations. They don't watch The Bachelor or Real Housewives or immerse themselves in a world of schadenfreude. Most of our good friends know about the affair. They were shocked and disappointed in my husband, and they were supportive and caring towards me. I would be very surprised if any of them gossiped about us. If they did share it with someone else, I'm sure that it was in a "I'm so upset to hear about this" kind of way, not a "Get a load of this!" kind of way.

 

It's also important to have a solid foundation of self worth and self esteem. So then when you are thrust into the spotlight as a cuckold, you know that the opinion of the screaming masses doesn't really matter. What matters is your own opinion of yourself. No one can take that away from you.

 

For me personally, I did find it humiliating that my husband had feelings for someone else which eclipsed his feelings for me. He made up for that (as much as anyone can) by consistently demonstrating and proclaiming his regard for me day after day. He made many a "I have the most amazing wife" Facebook post. It didn't erase what he did, but it helped rectify my feeling that I must be a public spectacle.

 

One thing that is a sad byproduct of shame is that we don't talk about certain topics. We don't talk about loved ones who committed suicide. We don't talk about having been cheated on or having cheated. We don't talk about depression or addiction. The silence contributes to the shame, so that when others find themselves in the same situation, they don't know that many around them have suffered the same thing. If we could destigmatize these very common occurrences, then we could support and educate one another much more effectively.

[preraph]

Understand, first, that no one -- literally no one -- cares that much about your life. To you, it's all magnified, but to others they're just looking on going, Yeah, we've all been there, not my problem.

 

Other than understanding no one is actually focused on you because they are focused on themselves, remember that living well is the most painless way to go and is the quickest means to moving on. That means socializing with friends, planning outings for yourself you enjoy, travel if you can, and having plenty to talk about when you do see friends and acquaintances besides your hurt and humiliation. In fact, cut any conversations about the past off and change the subject. Show them you are moving on. Then they have no reason to pity you. This is all within your control. All you have to do is choose to do it.