dealing with the humiliation.

[minimariah]

post affair -- how did you deal with the humiliation of EVERYONE ELSE knowing about your situation?

 

today... i witnessed something really uncomfortable & rude. i have an older colleague (let's call her XY) who was recently left by her husband for an OW (let's call her Z) -- we ALL work together. so while on our break... the two of us (me & XY) were standing in front of our building & smoking, chatting... suddenly, my acquaintance approaches us & tells me this: hi, Mariah! can you point out the XY, i heard she was dumped for Z!!! (with a huge grin on her face).

 

all this, while the XY stands right next to us & listens. she quickly speaks up & tells this acquaintance - it's me. how can i help you?

 

the acquaintance immediately walks away.

 

i tried to comfort my colleague and she was doing okay, she mostly healed by now but i could see the humiliation sinking in. that realization that everyone else knows, so you wonder how or what they feel - do they pity you and you suddenly become aware of the impact the affair had on your image & social circle.

 

so my question - reconciled or not; how did you deal with others knowing? did anyone approach you in a similar manner? how did you respond to questions and curiosity? how did your kids deal with their peers knowing?

[mcjordan]

post affair -- how did you deal with the humiliation of EVERYONE ELSE knowing about your situation?

 

today... i witnessed something really uncomfortable & rude. i have an older colleague (let's call her XY) who was recently left by her husband for an OW (let's call her Z) -- we ALL work together. so while on our break... the two of us (me & XY) were standing in front of our building & smoking, chatting... suddenly, my acquaintance approaches us & tells me this: hi, Mariah! can you point out the XY, i heard she was dumped for Z!!! (with a huge grin on her face).

 

all this, while the XY stands right next to us & listens. she quickly speaks up & tells this acquaintance - it's me. how can i help you?

 

the acquaintance immediately walks away.

 

i tried to comfort my colleague and she was doing okay, she mostly healed by now but i could see the humiliation sinking in. that realization that everyone else knows, so you wonder how or what they feel - do they pity you and you suddenly become aware of the impact the affair had on your image & social circle.

 

so my question - reconciled or not; how did you deal with others knowing? did anyone approach you in a similar manner? how did you respond to questions and curiosity? how did your kids deal with their peers knowing?

 

This is where the "stick it to em" tell the universe idea has to be weighed against the "I have no safe place where no one knows" idea. If those who could support me knew, I'd feel comforted. If everyone at the PTA knew....I'd feel horrible, even if I wasn't the one who cheated.

[whichwayisup]

hi, Mariah! can you point out the XY, i heard she was dumped for Z!!! (with a huge grin on her face).

 

That co worker is a gossiper and not kind at all. To grin and ask that when that poor woman is going through hell, having her H leave her for another woman isn't funny. She has nothing to be ashamed of, it's not her fault her H left her.

[Joie]

The hugging! I hated all the hugging!!!! I hate when people hug me in general (with the exception of my immediate family). 'Friends' and even worse random acquaintances wanted to hug me. I had my resting bitch face in full force to try and repel them. (My close friends know better than to hug me)LOL.

 

And lets not forgot the text messages...nothing like a text message from a practical stranger to let you know "I am here for you".

 

I live in a very small town so it was almost impossible to keep it quiet. Myself and my H tried the best we could. H on my request NEVER spoke about it to random people.

 

Overall, I just tell people Okay and walk away.

 

I know that everyone thinks they know what happened but they really have no idea. Though every once in awhile other people's versions are almost comical they are so ridiculous.

[Mrs. John Adams]

post affair -- how did you deal with the humiliation of EVERYONE ELSE knowing about your situation?

 

today... i witnessed something really uncomfortable & rude. i have an older colleague (let's call her XY) who was recently left by her husband for an OW (let's call her Z) -- we ALL work together. so while on our break... the two of us (me & XY) were standing in front of our building & smoking, chatting... suddenly, my acquaintance approaches us & tells me this: hi, Mariah! can you point out the XY, i heard she was dumped for Z!!! (with a huge grin on her face).

 

all this, while the XY stands right next to us & listens. she quickly speaks up & tells this acquaintance - it's me. how can i help you?

 

the acquaintance immediately walks away.

 

i tried to comfort my colleague and she was doing okay, she mostly healed by now but i could see the humiliation sinking in. that realization that everyone else knows, so you wonder how or what they feel - do they pity you and you suddenly become aware of the impact the affair had on your image & social circle.

 

so my question - reconciled or not; how did you deal with others knowing? did anyone approach you in a similar manner? how did you respond to questions and curiosity? how did your kids deal with their peers knowing?

 

Which is EXACTLY why my husband chose to keep my affair silent. We told very very few people. He did not want the embarrassment of what i had done. So HE chose not to tell anyone but his boss. I told my mom and dad.

 

I am really sorry for your friend.

[Spark1111]

It's all fear-driven.

 

It's like walking into the funeral of someone who has died of lung cancer and asking if they smoked.

 

If the answer is yes, then people tell themselves, "Well, I don't smoke, so I am safe." Which is ludicrous because only 1 out of 3 lung cancer deaths is directly attributable to smoking.

 

No one is safe.

 

Same with an affair. Am I prettier? More successful? More adventurous in the bedroom? Kinder? The list goes on....And if you think you can answe yes to any of those questions, then I guess you can reassure yourself that your spouse would never have an affair on you.....

 

Which, all of us who have been through affair trench warfare, know is utter bull puckey.

 

No one is safe.

 

I felt more humiliated by denying my instincts which were trying to tell ME something was wrong with us, and I kept telling myself, my spouse would never have an affair.

 

I needed to keep feeling safe.

 

And I hated his lies more than anything. They made me feel real stupid. Many people suspected but no one said anything. I truly did not have a clue. Love is suppose to involve blind trust.

 

So they asked, over and over and over again, (again, from their personal fears) "Was she younger, prettier, smarter, thinner, richer?"

 

And the answer was No. And then, they were really scared.

[wmacbride]

there was plenty of humiliation for me.

 

I had to call my husband's warrant, explain the situation, and have him put the clamp down on his ex-ow who was harassing me while at the same time trying to convince my h that I was cheating on him.

 

That opened a whole can of humiliation.

[loveboid]

Something I learned from a street-savy person: People who didn't like you to begin with would believe any gossip about you and people who did like you wouldn't believe any--they'd verify with you first.

 

So it's safe to ignore gossip.

[Cloudcuckoo]

post affair -- how did you deal with the humiliation of EVERYONE ELSE knowing about your situation?

 

today... i witnessed something really uncomfortable & rude. i have an older colleague (let's call her XY) who was recently left by her husband for an OW (let's call her Z) -- we ALL work together. so while on our break... the two of us (me & XY) were standing in front of our building & smoking, chatting... suddenly, my acquaintance approaches us & tells me this: hi, Mariah! can you point out the XY, i heard she was dumped for Z!!! (with a huge grin on her face).

 

all this, while the XY stands right next to us & listens. she quickly speaks up & tells this acquaintance - it's me. how can i help you?

 

the acquaintance immediately walks away.

 

i tried to comfort my colleague and she was doing okay, she mostly healed by now but i could see the humiliation sinking in. that realization that everyone else knows, so you wonder how or what they feel - do they pity you and you suddenly become aware of the impact the affair had on your image & social circle.

 

so my question - reconciled or not; how did you deal with others knowing? did anyone approach you in a similar manner? how did you respond to questions and curiosity? how did your kids deal with their peers knowing?

 

 

I think both you and XY are fortunate that this 'aquaintance' is no more than that Mariah! Certainly wouldn't want her as a friend would you! Gossip mongers revel in other people's misery....

 

There are so many factors in the sharing (or not) of information after the affair bubble is burst, don't you think? Some say 'tell all' and others say 'share selectively'.

 

I personally did the latter, and exposed my husband's philandering to immediate family except his parents (that was for him to decide on) and a very close friend who was invaluable to me at that time.

 

However, that did not stop the woman he had been involved with setting about a campaign to inform everyone she could find associated with me that she'd been shagging my husband for four years.

 

It makes me laugh now, still, but honestly, at the time I was humiliated and embarrassed briefly that I had stayed with my husband after his treachery!

 

The said friend and I spent many therapeutic hours together concocting wonderfully imaginative acts of vengeance on his former [affair partner]. It really helped me, and it wasn't long before I regained my dignity in the face of her ardent attempts to destroy me/us while hers went down the tubes rather rapidly after she got arrested!

 

I don't think either of us would change our choices in telling. He eventually told his parents himself, and those closest to us have always maintained our privacy while newly made friendships and aquaintance have no need to know.

Edited March 20, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ladydesigner]

Yeah I was pretty humiliated when the MOW called to inform me that her A with my WH had never stopped. Silly me I thought I was in R

 

I don't mind others knowing about my WH's A. They all (family and friends) have been there as a support to me and nothing else. Sure some want me to leave and others understand why I'm handling things the way I am. They also know of my RA as well so I am not being a hypocrite.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Being cheated on doesn't say one damn thing about you.

 

Being the parties involved in the affair says volumes.

 

So who exactly should be humiliated?

[ShatteredLady]

Very few people know that there's anything wrong with our marriage. Having friends & family a whole ocean away has some advantages as well as the huge disadvantages.

 

No-one here in America knows.

 

My H wrote to his best friend, our best man. It's the most embarrassing piece of juvenile horney angst I've ever read. Somehow my H had got it into his head that he had divorced & was having a great time sleeping around like the 'good old days'.

 

Truth is, he's a devoted family man now. I've been friends with him for 26 years too! His response to my H was fantastic! His advice was "Dump the OW NOW!! Then sit & truly analyze your life." He told a couple of life stories about friends of his & what they'd been through. He's a true friend of our marriage.

 

My embarrassment (other than the shattered illusion of us being the inseparable, lifelong couple) is my fear that I'll burst into tears when I finally look into the eyes of someone who knows & cares. I'm terrified that I'll be a sniveling wreck.

 

 

My other fear comes from the fact that my H told his family that we were having problems (obviously he was completely 'innocent') it was all about my health & what a burden I am. They tried to help by sending him articles on how to cope when you go from being a H too the care giver!! It wasn't the response he expected! In the end they were talking about wheelchair access, paying a nurse etc. OMG!

 

(In my H's defense, he contacted his Dad to ask if he'd ever had mental issues & his whole family became involved because they were worried about us)

 

The truth is he's always worked very long hours (used to travel for work) & I've always coped alone. Never needed a care giver to do anything! What are they going to say when I "WALK" through the door?? When the kids talk about the things we do?? They think I'm bedridden & H does everything! We haven't been home for about 4 years.

 

Do I lie & say I've suddenly greatly improved?!? I'm dreading the looks on their faces! They're going to be asking lots of questions. Ugh!

 

So basically my embarrassment fears come down to "How do I not spend my first months back in England crying my eyes out?"

[waterwoman]

Yuck! Be grateful she is only an acquaintance. What a vile creature.

 

I told a tiny number of people because I was humiliated but also because H was too. We both laughed (bitterly) at what a sad middle-aged cliche he was. As time passed I found out that more people knew and I hated it but H made sure to comfort and reassure me every time and tell me that he was the fool, not me

[katielee]

I think it is one of the reasons my husband had reactive affairs.

[minimariah]

So who exactly should be humiliated?

 

i agree -- but that doesn't erase the feeling that almost all BSs feel: shame.

 

where does that SHAME come from?

[Mrs. John Adams]

Shame..that somehow you think you failed? Even though it isn't your fault...did you not do enough? Were you not enough?

 

I know that was what John thought...that somehow he had failed ....that we were no longer special...and all that time...he thought we were.

 

It breaks my heart to think he carried that burden...when in reality...it was all about me...and not about him at all.

 

I am the one who should carry the shame...

 

How do we break that stigma? How do we change how others think? Just like that woman who approached minimariah....why did she somehow shame that poor woman? Why didn't she go shame the cheating pos husband?

 

I don't get it......

[ShatteredLady]

I don't know if SHAME is quite the right word. I'm a very proud person. I know I'm embarrassed for my H. He's let himself down. He's been 'one of those men'.

 

When I'm hating on myself I think... How can my person that I've shared my whole adult life with, the one person who knows me better than anyone else, the person I've loved all of my life NOT LOVE ME ENOUGH?? Why aren't I special enough to one person that I've given so much for?

 

I guess that is shame. I don't know. Maybe I'm in too much pain to see past PAIN.

 

I haven't looked into anyone's eyes who knows. I've never spoken face to face about it with anyone other than my H. Maybe once I do things will change. I'd give almost anything for someone just to hold me & tell me that everything's going to be ok. It would be worth any amount of shame, humiliation, whatever just to be held & told I'm worthy of love.

 

Isolation is so crippling. You start to see yourself through the eyes of the one person you have & when that person tells you you're crap it's so hard not to agree.

[Cloudcuckoo]

i agree -- but that doesn't erase the feeling that almost all BSs feel: shame.

 

where does that SHAME come from?

 

That's a valid point to bring into the light actually, isn't it?

 

Do you think it might come from those times when we've heard tales of other infidelities/abuses and so forth, and said things like, "oh I'd never put up with that, I'd be off"!

 

Only to be put in those same circumstances with a very different reaction to what we imagined we would do, and perhaps feeling that reality (particularly if we DO decide to work to salvage our relationships) as 'shameful' given our own, and others, judgments?

 

I had always maintained that my husband's unfaithfulness would be the death knell for our marriage, but here we are 27 years and his four year affair later, and believe me, I was shocked at my own reaction on dday!

[BetrayedH]

Being cheated on doesn't say one damn thing about you.

 

Being the parties involved in the affair says volumes.

 

So who exactly should be humiliated?

 

This ^^^^.

 

I'm not sure I ever felt humiliated or ashamed. Maybe if I read thru my early threads I'd find something but it's just not how I remember feeling.

 

I was certainly upset with her for playing me a fool. But as Spark aptly said, marriage should involve trust. So I never beat myself up for it.

 

Nothing to be ashamed or humiliated about as far as I'm concerned.

 

If anything, I'm not thrilled with myself about having my own affair. It's not something I'd be proud to tell my kids. But my wife's behavior is on her.

[Mrs. John Adams]

it is certainly true we cannot predict our reactions to infidelity. I love when folks come here to LS and say...well I would kick them to the curb! Or I WOULD NEVER have an affair!!!!

 

Well guess what said those things too...and here I am.....

[mcjordan]

Being cheated on doesn't say one damn thing about you.

 

Being the parties involved in the affair says volumes.

 

So who exactly should be humiliated?

 

This is a very good theory, and you are correct, the BS has done nothing to be humiliated about.

 

But in the real world, there are many BS who just flat don't want to walk down the aisle at Wal Mart and wonder who knows. While the temporary payoff of making their WS feel like a pariah might satisfy a certain type of BS....there are many who just don't WANT to be the talk of the town, even if it isn't THEIR behavior that caused the talk.

 

To pressure a BS to spread the word far and wide when they DON'T want that is really just insensitive and feels agenda driven rather than compassion driven. I know when something happened as a result of my then spouse's actions, while it wasn't infidelity, I was VERY uncomfortable and humiliated knowing everyone knew. So I can sympathize with the real feelings someone who has been betrayed has whether they "should" or not.

[BetrayedH]

I've never advocated widespread exposure. I told who I wanted for the sake of support. I didn't shirk from it. But think the widespread exposure recommendations (tell everyone/scorched earth approach) in order to "kill the affair" just shames the wayward into staying. I'd think I'd rather avoid shaming or publicly embarassing my spouse into staying with me.

[Methodical]

she quickly speaks up & tells this acquaintance - it's me. how can i help you?

 

the acquaintance immediately walks away.

 

i tried to comfort my colleague and she was doing okay, she mostly healed by now but i could see the humiliation sinking in. that realization that everyone else knows, so you wonder how or what they feel - do they pity you and you suddenly become aware of the impact the affair had on your image & social circle.

 

so my question - reconciled or not; how did you deal with others knowing? did anyone approach you in a similar manner? how did you respond to questions and curiosity? how did your kids deal with their peers knowing?

 

I can't answer most of your questions but want to say your friend handled busybody Z with class and dignity.

 

If Z didn't know XY any better than to ask in XY's presence, that tells you a lot about Z's character (a menacing gossiper). Definitely not someone I'd associate with.

 

I suspect I'd handle a similar situation much as your friend did - direct and deliberate. As far as curiosity, that would depend on who was asking. Most likely anyone I cared to share with would already know. If someone *close* asked from a position of caring, I would either talk to them or tell them I'd rather not discuss it, and they would understand.

[dichotomy]

I told my late father, also my brother. I needed release, it did not bother me them knowing.

 

We dumped friend or two of hers who knew and stayed away from her home town (where MM lives) for many years now because I felt uncomfortable (humiliated, angry, suspicious ) being anywhere near there.

[minimariah]

That opened a whole can of humiliation.

 

that's what i mean -- your husband did something bad BUT you felt that humiliation, too.

 

why?

 

Do you think it might come from those times when we've heard tales of other infidelities/abuses and so forth, and said things like, "oh I'd never put up with that, I'd be off"!

 

no, not really -- because those BS who leave feel humiliated, too. those who are left feel humiliated. i'm talking about the humiliation you feel right after the fact or right after realizing that everyone else knows and talks about it.

 

where does it come from? not sure. but it IS present.

 

also -- people feel less empathy for the BSs who are aware of the affair and chose to stay AND for the BSs who experience second or third or fourth affair and aware of all of them; at one point... forgiving and staying translates into tolerating and being a dormant which causes anger & lessens the empathy.