Lack Of Dates

March 17, 2016

Hi all.

I am in a happy relationship but there is one tiny issue that bugs me.

Despite being an amazing boyfriend and being VERY generous, he just doesn't take me out on dates.

But quickly to begin with, let me express how fortunate I feel to pretty much have it all with him. He is equally flawed and has the same mental health issues as me so we get each other and help one another push through. People with mental illness know that you need someone on you level when it comes to dating, or else they just cannot deal with you nor truly understand you.

In spite of our issues, he works full time and is very hard working and reliable in terms of employment. He works hard for me so that I can attend college and not have to work - however, I have chosen to work weekends. He always offers to treat me to occasional beauty treatments since I am a broke student and he knows I once LOVED my beauty stuff! When we have gone to the mall for a walk about he has often treated me to dresses despite being on a very average wage.

I have struck gold and found the 10/10 chemistry AND fairly decent compatibility thus far! He makes me (we make each other) laugh constantly, we are both socially abhorrent and sociable introverts in much the same way! I am very quirky and tbh, not many peoples cup of tea -they say we are ALL different (technically, we are all different right?) but I truly AM a bit "different" from others. I have asperges syndrome and he absolutely adores me despite my left of centre personality.

We moved in together rather early and have the same values and goals so far....

The ONLY thing that is not the full package? (NOT that I am the full package myself mind you)...

..... Is that he doesn't take me out on dates. Maybe once every month or two. He prefers t order pizza in on weekends and cook during the week. I get that, he is not well off yet and is bottom of the ladder at his new semi trailer truck driving gig ( he is offered good incomes for other areas but wishes to drive large trucks for a living so is starting at the beginners salary.. AKA -- CR@P!) So without two full time incomes I get that it is tough, and he spoils me often enough but it bothers me that on weekends, he will spend a lot on beer, ciders and champagne for me and 20 dollars gambling yet we stay in without any dates or reasons for me to EVER get dressed up......

When I was overseas 1 month after knowing him, he sent me hundreds of dollars and surprised me at the airport by whisking me away to an expensive hotel for the weekend despite not being on a high wage.

So the guy is not a tight wadd ^^^^^. Clearly.

Now I am a very feminine girl, I love my dresses and I love occasional reasons to wear them. Currently they are growing cobwebs on them in my closet. I am a uni student and will be poor for some time so the little joys I get from putting nice dresses on, from when I worked full time and could afford such luxuries, means the world to me and brightens up my entire week!

My boyfriend says " well you are the most beautiful in the mornings anyway so I don't need you to get all dressed up because it makes no difference to me what you wear"

Now I know men are rather clueless..... Sure, they think we look great rolling out of bed but we sure don't feel attractive? Sometimes women just want to brush their teeth and wash their hair, shave their legs and get out of the house and make themselves look hot for a date? The times I have gone out and dressed up he was "wowed" and loved my dress choices. He absolutely loves all my fashion styles and has bought me a couple of dresses and skirts due to loving them on me so much!

..So.....we had a fight because I was sick of approaching yet another weekend with nothing to look forward to but the same old drinking and watching movies - which I LOVE but not EVERY weekend - I would enjoy the occasional date, whereby I would still be excited about going home afterwards to watch movies.......

My friend says my boyfriend is not generous because her bf takes her on dates EVERY Friday AND Saturday night, treats her to breakfast out every day, as well as treating her to domestic travel 3 times a year and paying for absolutely everything. When they walk around malls her bf dislikes her ever pulling out her wallet for anything.

My friend says it makes my bf not very generous that he has money for a lot of beer and ciders and my champagne yet chooses to not take me on dates, and to just drink at home instead.

The thing is, my friend is beautiful; she can hold out for the full package. I am a lot less attractive than her so I figure that I cannot have it all in a man. The fact I got the fireworks and a man I am wildly attracted to (and him me) AND compatibility, is very rare as it stands...... I KNOW I am being unreasonable for wanting to have IT ALL - the dates and the small stuff.

Was I in the wrong for telling him that I wasn't keen to continue weekends of hanging at home?

How do I apologise for complaining about lack of dates?

Was I totally in the wrong for bringing it up?

What is the best way for us to go about our differing ways in which we want t spend the weekends?

And lastly: I feel undesirable and unattractive when he doesn't take me on dates - because all the beautiful women I have ever known have ALL been wined and dined and NEVER had to put up with men that didn't WANT to take them out and treat them to dates.

The above ^^^ is totally irrational as he shows me daily how attracted he is to me. I just want to be taken out, darn it...... I grew up ugly with bad teeth and now as a cute (but not beautiful) adult, I am mildly attractive and would like a bt of special treatment that I never got growing up (I was told that I was too unattractive to ever get a guy much less be taken out and treated to special dates).

Any suggestions on how to deal?

Just suck it up and learn to enjoy a dateless relationship, or can we meet somewhere in the middle?

Help He is really upset by the way I brought it up.....

March 17, 2016

Have you considered for just a moment that after paying for your dresses and treats that there is nothing left in the pot to pay for fancy meals...

Personally I think you are being very unfair.

March 17, 2016

First I took G’s advice and took a browse on past threads to get context on the person I am responding too rather than a knee jerk response to the OP… having said that…

I am in a happy relationship but there is one tiny issue that bugs me.

First contradictory language… happy and bugs you? Plus as someone said on another thread when you start a thread here the issue is obviously a bigger issue to you…

Despite being an amazing boyfriend and being VERY generous, he just doesn't take me out on dates.

Just commented on the cost of dating… going out on dates does not have to cost you a dime, being in the company of someone you care about should be main focus.

..... Is that he doesn't take me out on dates. Maybe once every month or two. He prefers t order pizza in on weekends and cook during the week. I get that, he is not well off yet and is bottom of the ladder at his new semi trailer truck driving gig ( he is offered good incomes for other areas but wishes to drive large trucks for a living so is starting at the beginners salary.. AKA -- CR@P!) So without two full time incomes I get that it is tough, and he spoils me often enough but it bothers me that on weekends, he will spend a lot on beer, ciders and champagne for me and 20 dollars gambling yet we stay in without any dates or reasons for me to EVER get dressed up......

Focused too much on money, costs… stuff...

A few past treads….

I personally feel every week should be like Valentines day

I get them 400 dollar vintage watches for their birthdays and that sort of thing.

You have money issues and “needing extra cash” why would a dude accept such expensive gifts from you if you are having money issues and not reasoned financial management. That is an issue.

After months I would prefer a guy who spoils me - takes me out for a dinner, makes reservations and has some chocolates or a cute teddy or just anything.

This from an old thread, so this is a big issue to you…

Someone mentioned dog walking as a means to make some extra cash?

Some people cost more to date… A BIG issue for guys

March 17, 2016

So without two full time incomes I get that it is tough, and he spoils me often enough but it bothers me that on weekends, he will spend a lot on beer, ciders and champagne for me and 20 dollars gambling

Here is the reality of living on a budget. If you want something special than you need to plan for it.

I would tell him to stop the 'spoiling' and instead to put that money in a jar for a weekly date with you. Same thing with the champagne and cider, cut half of this and save the money for a date.

You got to pick what you want, you can't have it all.

March 17, 2016

Honestly, there was too much talk about money for me in this post, especially considering that you both have money issues.

If the question is just about getting out of the house and doing things as a couple then I could think of many things that don't cost a fortune - movies, theatre, hiking, museums, parks, beaches etc. To many of those you can wear a nice dress if you like.

But if he just prefers to stay in and watch a movie on weekends then you might reach some compromise between quiet evenings at home and social things.

Also, I don't think you should compare your relationship to others so much. Yes, we are social creatures but comparing - and you likely compare yourself to those you consider more fortunate - is the source of unhappiness.

I found quite disturbing that you say that more beautiful women have a right to expect more of life than you and the examples were again all about money...

March 17, 2016

If I was dating you and found out this was the issue then it says to me you are a gold digger who wants high end restaurant that require reservations . I also have the feeling you want all this room him but you don't put you fair share.

March 17, 2016

IMO generosity is more than what a guy spends on you. A guy can be generous with you in other ways such as his time. I wouldn't put stock in what you're friend is telling you.

This could be an issue with compatibility IME. I have 2 exes who didn't like to leave the house. One didn't like me to either and it didn't work for me. With the other I wound up doing everything without him and that sucked too.

I don't see why you can't compromise and do a weekly date or something like that. Dates don't have to cost much money. You can go to the beach, have a picnic in a park, visit a farmer's market, going for a hike, see a free movie or concert, etc.

March 17, 2016

What was his response when you told him you'd like to go out more? Why did it turn into a fight?

Why can't you wear your dresses to class and to run errands?

I personally wouldn't date a guy who just liked to stay home and watch TV because I really enjoy going out. My husband and I go out all the time.

March 17, 2016

My husband isn't the type either to go out on nice dates, so I call up my GFs get a hotel room for the night, dress up and go dancing....more fun IMO.

When I want him to go out, I buy concert tickets so he has no choice.

March 17, 2016

OP try and find something you both are into, and work a date night around that. It doesn't have to cost you a lot of money. There are plenty of cheap or even free events around your city you could check out. You just need to give him a little shove.

March 17, 2016

Hi all.

He always offers to treat me to occasional beauty treatments since I am a broke student and he knows I once LOVED my beauty stuff! When we have gone to the mall for a walk about he has often treated me to dresses despite being on a very average wage.
He absolutely loves all my fashion styles and has bought me a couple of dresses and skirts due to loving them on me so much!

So he takes the extra money and buys you stuff rather than take you out to dinner. Well...I rather have the clothes and eat at home but you're not me. If you're dying for him to take you out on dates then you will need to pick one or the other because I get the feeling he doesn't have the money to pay for both.

March 17, 2016

I think you're finding something on which to fixate your usual body dysmorphia. Really him taking you out on dates or not taking you out on dates has nothing to do with your level of attractiveness.

It's a preference in dating. You would like to go on more dates. He likes staying in. Ask to be taken out on more dates, but avoid, as you do here, turning it into some grand theory of attractiveness. Just ask for what you want because you want it.

Edited March 17, 2016 by Kamille

March 17, 2016

Honestly, this sounds shallow and gold digging to me. I just, can't even comprehend, I guess I didn't realize there were girls like this in reality.

My advice, find a really rich guy that will put up with you and pay for everything if you think that's what you need to be happy. Work out more, do whatever you can to be prettier so you can land that trophy wife position.

Personally, I would never want to be that dependant on a man. Being the bread winner puts a fair bit of control in my hands.

March 17, 2016

I'll echo what others have said. If you want to solve this problem, you need to approach it with compromise. What are you willing to give up in order to make these dates happen? It sounds to me like you're a "taker" in this relationship and this is just you trying to take more. How about you try giving a little or taking less?

March 17, 2016

It sounds as if he's already spent any disposable income on spoiling you up front. Do you two have a plan for saving for the future?

He's buying champagne for you and beer/cider for himself?

Your issues are bigger than 'dates'. Hash it out now. As others have stated, you can do plenty of things for little to no money, and wear your dresses in the process.

March 17, 2016

He works hard for me so that I can attend college and not have to work --

March 17, 2016

Work out more, do whatever you can to be prettier so you can land that trophy wife position.

I know RecentChange meant this to be sarcastic but she has a point. You need to figure out what is important to you. It sounds like you are working on a career so you don't need to be a "trophy wife." But is that what you really want?

If so, you'll need to think clearly about what is good enough. Also, many men who have lots of money tend to be...yucky.

If you've found a nice generous man who doesn't make as much as you want then you'll need to be more creative. IMHO you should be more creative because if you screw this up you're going to be angry at yourself.

March 17, 2016

You seem to have a very strict definition of what defines a date. Given your financial situation it's not surprising that he can't afford many dates.

For me I'd consider a lot of things a date with my wife that might not cost a lot of money. A picnic, a movie, bowling or pool, pub for wings night, going to an athletic center...

I don't think many people go out on fancy dates, all the time in a relationship. I think you're assuming too much about other people's relationships.

March 17, 2016

He works hard for me so that I can attend college and not have to work

This is HUGE.

Your bf is choosing to spend his hard earned money so that you can go to school and enter a lucrative career field.

Even if you break up in 2 years' time, you will FOREVER have the benefit of this gift.

Contrast that with the occasional evening out where you can wear your party dresses.

Stop listening to your gf and start really thinking about what your bf is doing for you.

March 17, 2016

For me I'd consider a lot of things a date with my wife that might not cost a lot of money. A picnic, a movie, bowling or pool, pub for wings night, going to an athletic center...

You know one lady I dated we spent the day re-landscaping her backyard, in between BBQ’ed, made cool drinks, weather was perfect, nice day… if you give a damn about the person you are with absolutely does not matter what you do with them.

March 17, 2016

This is HUGE.

Your bf is choosing to spend his hard earned money so that you can go to school and enter a lucrative career field.

Even if you break up in 2 years' time, you will FOREVER have the benefit of this gift.

Contrast that with the occasional evening out where you can wear your party dresses.

Stop listening to your gf and start really thinking about what your bf is doing for you.

Yep. OMG. This guy sounds fantastic. It the OP drops him another woman will grab him up quick.

March 17, 2016

So, from all that you have said he is supporting you through college, buys you champagne each weekend, buys you dresses and treats, has sent you hundreds of dollars too.

In another recent thread you posted this:

I have decided that after my nose job, end of the year, that I will start saving every penny of my weekend job towards my future. I can currently save 200 a week towards my future. So from next year, I will save 100 to 200 per week for the remaining 2 years of my degree....

Maybe he would like to see some financial input from you is my first thought.

Delay or forget the nose job and put this cash or some of it into a date night fund and take him out - treat him for a change.

Win win situation.

If you find that he just doesn't want to go out on dates with you then its an incompatibility issue.

March 17, 2016

I'm confused again. Is the issue:

1) you don't go out on expensive dates more often than once a month, or

2) you don't go out on any dates more often than once a month?

It sounds like you're saying the latter, but then what's up with all the talk about finances and fancy dresses? Have either of you ever considered going out on cheap/free dates?

If the answer is (2), then you probably do have a problem - there is no reason why a young childfree couple cannot get out of the house more than once a month. If the answer is (1), you should probably realize that expensive dates are a luxury that the vast majority of couples in their 20s cannot afford very often, especially if one of them is a student. Once a month is actually on the high side as far as expensive dates are concerned IMO.

March 17, 2016

Listen,

I'm normally a compassionate and caring guy. But I'm sorry - everyone on this thread has chimed in and tiptoed in most cases around the central issue - you're spoiled. You self admit he doesn't make a lot. He's already gotten you expensive stuff and you apparently "like him". But, you expect way too much from him. Unless you find someone who inherited money or made a ton and can afford to never live again - you need to get yourself and him on a budget. As plenty of people said - dates don't have to be expensive. Best dates I've been too involve diner, drive-ins, and dives - good food, great conversation.

March 17, 2016

My friend says my boyfriend is not generous because her bf takes her on dates EVERY Friday AND Saturday night, treats her to breakfast out every day, as well as treating her to domestic travel 3 times a year and paying for absolutely everything. When they walk around malls her bf dislikes her ever pulling out her wallet for anything.
My friend says it makes my bf not very generous that he has money for a lot of beer and ciders and my champagne yet chooses to not take me on dates, and to just drink at home instead...

Stop right there.

Who decides if you are happy, you or your friend?

Don't listen to your friend. Don't compare with your friend. Comparison is the thief of joy. Enjoy your boyfriend for all the wonderful ways he loves you, full stop!

Edited March 17, 2016 by xxoo

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