Guys who say they "hate dating"

[Karine26]

I recently met a guy Online who moved to my area last year for his job. He is tall & good looking and his job involves being around lots of celebrities and sometimes he is on TV. We hit it off, had a great time so far.

 

He's really sweet and keeps in regular contact even though right now he's in a different county for work. He also sent me flowers at work, which I think is really sweet bc I'm team nice guy and love when guys do stuff like that...as long as its genuine.

 

On our first date he told me that he hates dating and is a relationship guy. He said he really wants to get married. I read an article and saw a few debates on TV about when a guy says he's ready for marriage he's ready and it could be any girl as long as she's decent. I guess that's all fine and dandy but how will I know the difference in him really liking me or liking the "idea" of me? Now I know how men feel haha

 

He was engaged a few years back but broke it off bc it didn't feel right so that calms my nerves about him being that desperate to be married. He's 40, and from the Mid West & all his friends are married, even the friends he met here so maybe that is why he has the itch also. I'm 32.

 

So the questions are Is it a red flag when a guy discusses how much he hates dating and wants to be married on the first date? And how do I know if he's into me or the idea of me? Have any of you men felt this way? Thanks!

[Toodaloo]

I don't think its a red flag but I would still spend my time getting to know him and ensuring he is a suitable match for me. I would not consider this to be anything much.

 

Just because he has said he wants to get married doesn't mean he has proposed to you.

 

Enjoy dating him and getting to know him.

[PegNosePete]

Is it a red flag when a guy discusses how much he hates dating and wants to be married on the first date?

To me that just means he is looking for a serious relationship and not casual dating or ONS / games. Is that a red flag? No, assuming you're looking for the same, it's quite the opposite.

 

how do I know if he's into me or the idea of me?

Listen to Cher's advice, it's in his kiss! Err seriously, well I don't know anyone who married an idea. All the guys I know married actual, real people. I guess the only way to tell if he's serious about you is to carry on the relationship and see what happens. If you've only had one date it's certainly wayyy too early to start thinking about that kind of stuff so soon.

 

Have any of you men felt this way?

I have never felt any other way.

[Karine26]

Just because he has said he wants to get married doesn't mean he has proposed to you

 

 

Haha good point

[smudge21]

Red Flags are not simply what everyone sees, but what you see. If you see this as a negative, then you will make it a negative. I personally don't, but that's just my opinion. I see it as him just being honest and feeling comfortable enough around you to say such things.

 

 

How serious is the relationship though as you say he hasn't been around a lot? Has it been mostly texting/phone calls so far? If so, maybe you're over thinking things at this very early stage. Maybe his needs and wants right now are just that he isn't into the whole dating scene (tell me about it) and just wants to meet that one person who he can take his time with a get to know.

 

 

All that said though, only he knows his own heart and only you are in the best place to ask him about it. Big points though for being team nice guy... I do occasionally worry there's not many girls out there who still want the nice guy (gives me hope).

[Toodaloo]

Karine

 

There are those among us who just want to find their match and stay in that one relationship until we die. It doesn't mean that we are going to marry the first average Joe that comes along who might just "do".

 

Dating is a pain in the back side. So much easier to just know who you are with, cherish that person and get on with life, rather than have to keep putting yourself out there, keep getting hurt and disappointed.

 

So yup. I "get" where this guy is coming from.

 

Just because you want the same things does not mean that you are suitable for each other though. So just enjoy getting to know him and see where the wind blows.

 

If he is into you then you will not have to ask yourself that question. If you think he may just be going through the motions and is bored and fed up that too will be clear.

[scooby-philly]

Hey Karine26,

 

Sounds like you're in a somewhat ambiguous situation. You are certainly correct in your concerns. I'm a guy and let me say this - I was with two women - one even engaged to - who really didn't like me for me (to quote that song). The first was not desperate to be "married" but to appear to be "normal". She only cared about what other people thought and I was the trophy groom to reverse that term. The other didn't care about what people thought per se - I was only proof that she herself was normal and not the bat**** crazy, selfish, immature person she was.

 

It's good to know he's broken relationships off in the past - it shows he's at least got some sense.

 

1. I'd confirm he did break it off and for the reasons he stated.

2. I'd try to find out what that person was like

3. See if you can get him to open up. There's a big difference between "wishing I was x" and being desperate to be "x". I'm 34 an will be 35 this summer. I wish I was married and had kids by now - but I needed to learn a few things on the way - including those two points I described above.

4. Keep looking for that "genuineness". I've become a big believer that "nice guys" do finish last - not because we shouldn't be kind, compassionate, caring people - but that "nice" is really a disease that gets ingrained in people to prevent them from being themselves, expressing their feelings, and/or speaking their minds. If there's a consistent pattern to his kindness - i.e. he buys you flowers at random times (and doesn't brag about it). If you catch him playing with a child or pet in a loving way when he couldn't know someone was watching (i.e. you walking in the door after work or coming back from errands so he can't keep up a "charade" for tool long) those are good things.

5. Good for you realizing how most "good" men feel. I don't think there's a problem with a guy complaining about the process - as long as it doesn't stop him from trying and engaging whole-heartedly. Regrets are okay - but youve have to keep moving forward. I would say look for times/triggers for those lines from him. If you notice that he only says stuff like that b/c he was in a bad mood and wished his life was different or he's been drinking and reminiscing about poor choices - that's okay. The question is - is he committed to you - does he pay you compliments about who you are - and not just what you do or how you look.

 

 

I completely relate to the point. Those two experiences I had were a shame - but I needed to learn those lessons. I think that's one of the top 10 reasons why relationships don't work. That's why I've learned to not rush into things and to let actions speak louder than words.

[Popsicle]

I'm a woman and I hate Dating in the since that you date around. There is nothing fun about this to me. I like intimacy, exclusivity and closeness.

[Satu]

snip

 

So the questions are *Is it a red flag when a guy discusses how much he hates dating and wants to be married on the first date? And **how do I know if he's into me or the idea of me? Have any of you men felt this way? Thanks!

 

*I don't see it as a red flag at all.

 

He put his cards on the table, and that's a good thing.

 

**You're overthinking this.

 

Just enjoy spending time with him, and getting to know him, and the answer to ** will become obvious.

 

 

Take care.

[mcjordan]

Just my 2 cents:

 

When I hear a man (or woman) go on about "I hate dating", this is what I hear:

 

"It's too haaaarrrd. Why should I have to work at it? Why can't it just fall in my lap? Why do IIIIII have to pay for dinner?????" (in other words - whine whine whine, I am a victim of dating).

 

So yes, for me it would be a red flag. Then again, over the past couple of years I have been introduced to a whole microcosm of whiners that I never knew existed before. LOL

[Satu]

I'm a woman and I hate Dating in the since that you date around. There is nothing fun about this to me. I like intimacy, exclusivity and closeness.

 

Well said

[Karine26]

Red Flags are not simply what everyone sees, but what you see. If you see this as a negative, then you will make it a negative. I personally don't, but that's just my opinion. I see it as him just being honest and feeling comfortable enough around you to say such things.

 

 

How serious is the relationship though as you say he hasn't been around a lot? Has it been mostly texting/phone calls so far? If so, maybe you're over thinking things at this very early stage. Maybe his needs and wants right now are just that he isn't into the whole dating scene (tell me about it) and just wants to meet that one person who he can take his time with a get to know.

 

 

All that said though, only he knows his own heart and only you are in the best place to ask him about it. Big points though for being team nice guy... I do occasionally worry there's not many girls out there who still want the nice guy (gives me hope).

 

You are right, maybe I am overthinking it.

 

Yeah I'm definitely team nice guy! In fact as I wondered why he hasn't been able to get married if he wanted it so bad I came to the conclusion that most girls (especially in Hollywood) probably think he's too nice, which is pretty sad...but good for me bc now I can appreciate him haha. It bothers me when girls act like guys are creepy bc they are actually being chivalrous and respectful. That makes no sense to me!

[Larryville]

So the questions are Is it a red flag when a guy discusses how much he hates dating and wants to be married on the first date?

 

That is a battleship sized red flag

 

when a guy says he's ready for marriage he's ready and it could be any girl as long as she's decent.

 

True, that is called settling

 

He's 40, and from the Mid West & all his friends are married

 

Not knowing how much initial communication you had before the first meet, but if you met online then that is where any talk or mention of marriage would have been initially discovered in his profile. If not maybe the first phone call or two.

 

I know I’m way past any talk of marriage, but I would never in a million years have a first date and talk marriage stuff and adding that he hates dating? So clichéd and unnecessary on a “first” date.

[GunslingerRoland]

I hated dating when I was single. It didn't suit my personality at all, I'm humble, don't like selling myself or working to push my best side forward.

 

 

Luckily I didn't have to do a lot of it until I met my wife.

 

 

But I think there is a big leap from someone who hates dating and wants to find a relationship quickly to someone who wants to jump into marriage quickly.

[Satu]

snip

 

Yeah I'm definitely team nice guy! In fact as I wondered *why he hasn't been able to get married if he wanted it so bad I came to the conclusion that most girls (especially in Hollywood) probably think he's too nice, which is pretty sad...but good for me bc now I can appreciate him haha. It bothers me when girls act like guys are creepy bc they are actually being chivalrous and respectful. That makes no sense to me!

 

*Its probably because he hasn't met the right person yet.

 

All your questions will be answered if you keep spending time with each other.

 

You have your own wants and needs to consider, so just see how it goes for now.

 

 

 

Take care.

[SammySammy]

"Hates dating and is a relationship guy."

 

I totally understand. I would much rather get to know someone and spend time with them without the histrionics of "dating".

 

I don't think this is a red flag. He seems to be someone who knows what he wants. To me, clear, honest and upfront is much better than the games people play when "dating".

[Karine26]

Hey Karine26,

 

Sounds like you're in a somewhat ambiguous situation. You are certainly correct in your concerns. I'm a guy and let me say this - I was with two women - one even engaged to - who really didn't like me for me (to quote that song). The first was not desperate to be "married" but to appear to be "normal". She only cared about what other people thought and I was the trophy groom to reverse that term. The other didn't care about what people thought per se - I was only proof that she herself was normal and not the bat**** crazy, selfish, immature person she was.

 

It's good to know he's broken relationships off in the past - it shows he's at least got some sense.

 

1. I'd confirm he did break it off and for the reasons he stated.

2. I'd try to find out what that person was like

3. See if you can get him to open up. There's a big difference between "wishing I was x" and being desperate to be "x". I'm 34 an will be 35 this summer. I wish I was married and had kids by now - but I needed to learn a few things on the way - including those two points I described above.

4. Keep looking for that "genuineness". I've become a big believer that "nice guys" do finish last - not because we shouldn't be kind, compassionate, caring people - but that "nice" is really a disease that gets ingrained in people to prevent them from being themselves, expressing their feelings, and/or speaking their minds. If there's a consistent pattern to his kindness - i.e. he buys you flowers at random times (and doesn't brag about it). If you catch him playing with a child or pet in a loving way when he couldn't know someone was watching (i.e. you walking in the door after work or coming back from errands so he can't keep up a "charade" for tool long) those are good things.

5. Good for you realizing how most "good" men feel. I don't think there's a problem with a guy complaining about the process - as long as it doesn't stop him from trying and engaging whole-heartedly. Regrets are okay - but youve have to keep moving forward. I would say look for times/triggers for those lines from him. If you notice that he only says stuff like that b/c he was in a bad mood and wished his life was different or he's been drinking and reminiscing about poor choices - that's okay. The question is - is he committed to you - does he pay you compliments about who you are - and not just what you do or how you look.

 

 

I completely relate to the point. Those two experiences I had were a shame - but I needed to learn those lessons. I think that's one of the top 10 reasons why relationships don't work. That's why I've learned to not rush into things and to let actions speak louder than words.

 

I'm sorry for your experiences but happy that you learned from them!! Yes, the story was confirmed when he added me on facebook lol She really hated him for breaking off their engagement. I saw some of the comments from his friends & her family on his older pictures. He said she still hates him even though she's now married to someone else.

 

Yes, you can only hide who you are for so long! So far he seems pretty open and honest about everything. So far...lol I agree that actions definitely speak louder than words!

[Karine26]

Just my 2 cents:

 

When I hear a man (or woman) go on about "I hate dating", this is what I hear:

 

"It's too haaaarrrd. Why should I have to work at it? Why can't it just fall in my lap? Why do IIIIII have to pay for dinner?????" (in other words - whine whine whine, I am a victim of dating).

 

So yes, for me it would be a red flag. Then again, over the past couple of years I have been introduced to a whole microcosm of whiners that I never knew existed before. LOL

 

I definitely don't think he feels like a victim although he may feel unappreciated while dating. He is a really nice guy and does sweet things that many girls may see as annoying or take for granted. Like paying for my parking/valet (which is a big deal here in LA lol) even though at first I thought it was pretty ridiculous too especially when he's taking me to swanky Hollywood restaurants and paying for dinner so I felt I could at least pay for my own parking but he refuses to let me do those things, making sure they bring my car before they bring his so I can leave first and he knows I'm safe. Sweet. He definitely is "working at it". I think he likes to work at it as long as his efforts are recognized. And they are.

[SammySammy]

Just my 2 cents:

 

When I hear a man (or woman) go on about "I hate dating", this is what I hear:

 

"It's too haaaarrrd. Why should I have to work at it? Why can't it just fall in my lap? Why do IIIIII have to pay for dinner?????" (in other words - whine whine whine, I am a victim of dating).

 

So yes, for me it would be a red flag. Then again, over the past couple of years I have been introduced to a whole microcosm of whiners that I never knew existed before. LOL

 

I don't see it that way.

 

I prefer to enjoy a woman's company without all the rules and constraints of "dating" (that no one can agree on). If we like each other and want to get to know each other, let's do so without wondering who calls who first. How many days should we wait to do this or that? Should we kiss or not kiss? Ugh.

 

Why not just get to know each other naturally and organically without all of these artificial rules? Just do what we feel. And if we're not feeling each other ... wish each other well and go our separate ways. Simple.

 

It's not any harder or easier than dating. Definitely not any cheaper. Just that being friends, having a casual relationship or committed relationship feels more real to me than dating. Even with someone I just met.

[Toodaloo]

Just my 2 cents:

 

When I hear a man (or woman) go on about "I hate dating", this is what I hear:

 

"It's too haaaarrrd. Why should I have to work at it? Why can't it just fall in my lap? Why do IIIIII have to pay for dinner?????" (in other words - whine whine whine, I am a victim of dating).

 

So yes, for me it would be a red flag. Then again, over the past couple of years I have been introduced to a whole microcosm of whiners that I never knew existed before. LOL

 

I hate investing in a bunch of idiots and lunatics that are not worth it. I would far rather invest my energies into people I know are worth it.

 

That is why I hate it.

 

For some weird reason I seem to attract more of the ones I can't be bothered with than the ones I can be bothered with.

 

I certainly do not want to waste time and energy on someone who is going to disappear and I forget their name after a month... That sadly is what dating is. Hence why I took myself out of the game for a while to go do fun things and invest in people who do matter to me.

 

Just as an aside. There has only been one occasion over the past year where I did not pay for my own dinner (usually pay for theirs too or go Dutch) and then was only because he had agreed to let me treat him next time (which he then canceled...) - just saying.

 

But then I also don't bother moaning about it I just go off and do my own thing instead for a bit.

[lino]

For the average guy, dating is a continuous course of jumping through hoops, navigating women's game playing and wondering 'Am I good enough?'

 

A man is expected by our society to be the one who Asks out, plans, leads the conversation, pays for, and makes sure the date is fun. And when it comes to time in the sack, he's also expected to lead there and be the expert.

Fail any of the above and there most likely won't be more dates.

 

Does that sound fun to you? Sounds almost like work, yet one isn't being paid for it... It actually COSTS one money!

 

This is why you end up with a small percentage of men who are capable of being players who go through most the women and a remaining larger percentage of nice guy men like you mention this guy is, who don't get much female attention at all until they're good enough to be seen as the 'provider' to 'settle down with.'

 

Both types have a goal and neither really actually enjoy what dating has become in these times.

[Toodaloo]

For the average guy, dating is a continuous course of jumping through hoops, navigating women's game playing and wondering 'Am I good enough?'

 

A man is expected by our society to be the one who Asks out, plans, leads the conversation, pays for, and makes sure the date is fun. And when it comes to time in the sack, he's also expected to lead there and be the expert.

Fail any of the above and there most likely won't be more dates.

 

Does that sound fun to you? Sounds almost like work, yet one isn't being paid for it... It actually COSTS one money!

 

This is why you end up with a small percentage of men who are capable of being players who go through most the women and a remaining larger percentage of nice guy men like you mention this guy is, who don't get much female attention at all until they're good enough to be seen as the 'provider' to 'settle down with.'

 

Both types have a goal and neither really actually enjoy what dating has become in these times.

 

lino you have become bitter.

 

Take time out. Go and have fun.

 

I am glad I did before I got an attitude this bad about me.

[Larryville]

Does that sound fun to you? Sounds almost like work, yet one isn't being paid for it... It actually COSTS one money!

 

lino you have become bitter.

Take time out. Go and have fun.

 

I don’t necessarily see it as being bitter and I’ve been there…

 

But does anyone actually weigh the “cost” of dating? I know this will sound crass but I don’t actually weigh the financial aspect of whether or not this woman is worthy of pursuing.

 

In the early stages of the person currently (she has paid for stuff too BTW, makes FAR more than I do too) last month approximately $350 - $400 dinners, gas/travel, entertainment.

 

Please don’t get me wrong I’m not broke or complaining but I have never understood why people don’t process the financial aspects of dating. Is the person worth the time AND MONEY to pursue?

 

So the “hating dating” line is not necessarily bad, but as to this thread I would never actually say that to anyone I meet. That’s just dumb and shows you don’t care. If I meet you and you are hot, that is the last thing I’m processing.

[mcjordan]

Why not just get to know each other naturally and organically without all of these artificial rules? Just do what we feel. And if we're not feeling each other ... wish each other well and go our separate ways. Simple.

 

See, this IS what I consider dating.

 

But if you want to know what I was referring to....here it is:

 

For the average guy, dating is a continuous course of jumping through hoops, navigating women's game playing and wondering 'Am I good enough?'

 

A man is expected by our society to be the one who Asks out, plans, leads the conversation, pays for, and makes sure the date is fun. And when it comes to time in the sack, he's also expected to lead there and be the expert.

Fail any of the above and there most likely won't be more dates.

 

Does that sound fun to you? Sounds almost like work, yet one isn't being paid for it... It actually COSTS one money!

 

This is why you end up with a small percentage of men who are capable of being players who go through most the women and a remaining larger percentage of nice guy men like you mention this guy is, who don't get much female attention at all until they're good enough to be seen as the 'provider' to 'settle down with.'

 

Both types have a goal and neither really actually enjoy what dating has become in these times.

[Toodaloo]

I don’t necessarily see it as being bitter and I’ve been there…

 

But does anyone actually weigh the “cost” of dating? I know this will sound crass but I don’t actually weigh the financial aspect of whether or not this woman is worthy of pursuing.

 

In the early stages of the person currently (she has paid for stuff too BTW, makes FAR more than I do too) last month approximately $350 - $400 dinners, gas/travel, entertainment.

 

Please don’t get me wrong I’m not broke or complaining but I have never understood why people don’t process the financial aspects of dating. Is the person worth the time AND MONEY to pursue?

 

So the “hating dating” line is not necessarily bad, but as to this thread I would never actually say that to anyone I meet. That’s just dumb and shows you don’t care. If I meet you and you are hot, that is the last thing I’m processing.

 

Larry...

 

In case you hadn't noticed I have breasts not a penis and easily spent your quoted budget each month on "dating". That is NOT including fuel, time, new clothing, make up, hair cuts, nail varnish and manicures... Just the basics of meals, drinks and tickets.

 

It also left me exhausted, emotionally and physically. I started getting fat again because I was not happy, I had very little time left for exercise etc...

 

I felt myself getting really tiddled off with the whole thing so decided to take a break and booked myself up with dance lessons on a night when I knew I was about to be stood up.

 

Not looked back and been much happier since.

 

When men speak the way Lino does they REALLY need to take a break as women will be able to sniff that "completely fed up with this" attitude a mile off and they will run, which only confounds the whole issue!

 

Been there, dated that, was not nice in any way shape or form... So why waste your time and effort to make yourself more miserable and down? Complete waste of resources. Also doesn't "get you the girl/ guy".