Erin123 Posted March 17, 2016 Posted March 17, 2016 I'm new to this so apologies if I have waffled on too long... I am 23 and my ex boyfriend is the same age. About 6 months ago my (now ex) boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me to travel. Ever since we got together, he made it clear that he had a lifelong dream of living and working in New York for a year. Initially the travel issue was pushed aside and our relationship progressed into what was close to a perfect relationship. We never fought or had any issues, he treated me extremely well, we laughed and loved and enjoyed each other’s company. As things became more serious with us the NY conversation was brought up again and again, every couple months, never with any resolution. I could tell he was torn between wanting to fulfil this dream of his on his own and not wanting to leave the relationship. He had struggled with depression and anxiety during his teenage years and was extremely hard on himself. His family life is difficult, his dad is extremely withdrawn and suffers OCD and from what I have witnessed, I would assume some other serious mental health issues. He hasn’t ever really had a relationship or proper conversation with his Dad and I know he worries that he will turn out like this and he is extremely hard on himself to not be that person and to make something of himself. In September last year, I could tell this issue wasn’t going away and things became rocky with us. One night he broke down and said he couldn’t do it anymore. He didn’t like who he was and needed to go and do this for himself and have some life change. He stressed that as cliché as it sounds that it wasn’t anything I had done and that I was perfect, that he wanted to be with me but knows it is unfair to make me wait around while he was away. I was devastated and an absolute mess for a couple of months, hardly eating or sleeping… but almost feeling a bit of relief that I didn't need to deal with this issue that had gone on for however long anymore. I forced myself to move on and if I look back now, I think I did a pretty good job at it. I saw friends, I went out, I met people. I forgot what it was like to be single and feel empowered to do things by yourself. But I still missed him. And I still loved him. He tried to catch up with me before he left for the US however I was given some advice that I was doing so well and that this may set me back to square one. I agreed and I told him I couldn’t meet up and he understood. A couple months after the breakup I met this guy through a mutual friend. We instantly hit it off and I fell back into those feelings of comfort and feeling wanted again. It progressed pretty quickly however I had made it clear I had just got out of a 4 year relationship and I wanted to take it slow and work on things with myself. He understood completely and I never felt any pressure from him. Originally I believe I jumped so quickly into it because I missed the familiarity of a relationship, however I developed feelings for him and I began to notice certain traits I loved about him. But I was always hesitant. I didn’t have that particular connection with him that I did with my ex. My ex began contacting me while he was over in the states about a month after he left. He sent me long messages about how much he has stuffed up, how much he wanted me to be there with him and how much he loved me and that one day he wanted to get married and have kids with me. He said he would book a flight the next day if I asked him to come home. I couldn’t do it. It hurt me to hear all these things when he was the one that had gone and done this and I was finally beginning to move on and live life without him. I was still angry and hurt and I think I took some weird satisfaction in the sense that I had moved on and I knew he was hurting and remorseful about breaking up. I ended up blocking him on all communication which we both agreed was a good idea. I heard from mutual friends that he was struggling over in NY. The rent was expensive, he couldn’t find a job and was missing home. Two weeks ago I received a text message from him saying that he was home. We spoke on the phone that night for a couple hours and he agreed to give me space as he knew I was seeing someone else. A couple of days went by and he asked me to catch up for a coffee. A part of me didn’t want too. But I knew I still had feelings there and curiosity got the better of me. We caught up and it was like nothing had changed. He seemed a lot more grounded, mature, and less worried about all those little issues that were bringing him down before he left which if I look at it now, the overseas trip probably did him the world of good. He wanted to catch up again and I agreed. We ended up together late one night and one thing led to another and we slept together. I instantly felt so guilty and told him I needed space to work things out in my head. I met up with the guy I'd been seeing the next day and told him that I was confused about my feelings and needed time and space to work out what I wanted. He was extremely upset but he understood. We are now not in contact apart from a couple of back and forth text messages about him wanting me to be happy and that he is there for me if I need anything. I felt awful and I still do. I hadn’t been able to eat or sleep properly in days. While this is happening, my ex has been…full on. He is constantly saying how much he loves me, how he knows he has stuffed up and is 100% committed and only wants to be with me. I believe it is all compounded because he hasn’t found a job yet and is back living with his parents so he has all this time to stew over everything. This has caused him to start drinking a lot – and consequently a lot of messy phone and face to face conversations. He is mentally not in a very good place right now. I feel emotionally exhausted. Part of me wants to be with him and do all the things he is saying, buy a house, get married, have kids. If he had said this to me 6 months ago I would have been 100% committed as well. But now.. there is something that is holding back, and it’s confusing me so much why I feel like this. I’m not sure if it is because I’ve been hurt by him, or the pressure he is putting on me, or if I miss the guy I had been seeing and the things he bought to my life, or if I have just moved past the point of wanting this and have different goals and aspirations that don’t involve him anymore. It upsets me that I feel like this because I love him so much. I can picture myself with him and having kids and growing old but something is missing. I feel like that deep love and adoration I had for him is gone, and I’m not sure if it’s going to ever come back. I’ve been asking him to give me space so I have time to work things out in my own time and he seems to think that is a terrible sign, and it is killing him I don’t feel the same way anymore and is so frightened I’m going to turn around and say I don’t want this. He beats himself up about the fact he chose to leave and knows it is his fault that it has worked out this way. He wants me to say I’m committed to him and when I don’t or I say I need time he breaks down again. He has finally come round to the space idea but I don’t know what to do or think anymore. I understand only myself can truly know what I want or need but I would appreciate any insight into why I may feel this way or what may be the logical way forward with all of this.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 17, 2016 Posted March 17, 2016 If he had said this to me 6 months ago I would have been 100% committed as well. But now.. there is something that is holding back, and it’s confusing me so much why I feel like this. I’m not sure if it is because I’ve been hurt by him, or the pressure he is putting on me, or if I miss the guy I had been seeing and the things he bought to my life, or if I have just moved past the point of wanting this and have different goals and aspirations that don’t involve him anymore. Why all the pressure to decide this at 23? Listen to your instincts. The presence of these conflicting and confusing sentiments is a sign you're not ready for the permanent role you seem so desperate to stick yourself in. You jumped too quickly into the new relationship after your BF left and too quickly out of it when he returned. Lots of self-imposed pressure to be with "the one" at this stage of your life. Slow down and figure out what Erin123 really wants ... Mr. Lucky
ashley1992 Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 hii.. do u think he has ever cheated? if not i wud give him another chance.
Methodical Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 You became fully invested in your relationship with Exbf. Although he had this aspiration to live and experience life in NY, on a sub-conscious level perhaps you felt the bond that had grown between you was stronger than his desire. When he chose NY over you, that bond crumbled. You struggled to accept the terms dished out, but eventually you picked yourself up and trudged forward. Yes, you got into a relationship fairly quickly considering you were heartbroken after coming out of a 4 year relationship, so although current bf is the rebound guy, you have developed genuine feelings for him. There's a spark missing and I suspect it's because you had loved your Exbf selflessly with no safety net, yet he chose NY over you, and now you're afraid to love someone as deeply as you did Exbf. It's an instinctive protection mechanism to prevent yourself from enduring another broken heart. Now Exbf is back and you are struggling with indifference and logic. "If I wasn't enough before when things between us were picturesque, how in the world can we build a relationship with all the rubble between us." And, his fear of becoming like his father is more a reality after watching him hit the bottle to drown his sorrow rather than working is butt off to dig himself out of this hole. I suggest you take as much time as you need. Put your wants, desires, and aspirations first, as he did, and then assess how you feel. You may not ever feel that deep adoration for him again because there will always be that niggling factor that you weren't enough the first time. The key to finding happiness in a relationship is to not judge other guys based on your Ex's decisions, and don't make other guys pay for his "mistake" (leaving you). At some point, you are going to have to take a leap of faith with no safety net in place, and have faith that you are a strong independent woman worthy of love and acceptance, despite what Exbf's decision put you thru. 1
spouse2016 Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 There are certain unique experiences at each stage of life. However, your relationship with the same person is likely to be somewhat different today. You also had a new experience since the breakup and you might benchmark to it even if you get back together with the old guy. When its comes to relationships we all work with expectations since we cannot know what a person will do tomorrow. We rely upon prior experiences for clues, but past does not predict future. Future can be very different.
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