Boyfriend insecure...should I stop playing games?

[veganpilot]

Ever since the start of our relationship, I've enjoyed playing games with him, which I know I shouldn't:

1. I took ages to respond to his messages

2. Never really complimented him or stroke his ego.

3. Rarely reply back to his "I love yous"

4. Never text him back when he texts me good night and good morning.

5. Read his messages and questions, but never respond for days.

6. Pretended to block him once and he started panicking.

7. Spoke about how attractive other guys are and how attractive my exes are.

8. Kept picking up fights and making break up threats, to which he pleaded me not to.

9. Didn't really flirt back.

 

Now he thinks I don't love him the same way he loves me and he is upset and insecure, I feel really bad because I thought being mysterious and playing hard to get worked. Now I feel that I have hurt him. He doesn't believe me when I told him how much I love him, What should I do to show him I love him so much? He is really attractive, chivalrous, polite, sweet, caring, protective (he said he would protect me with all his life) kind and very loving. Although I've spoken about hot guys (and he was really jealous every time), he said he only has eyes for me and I'm the prettiest, most intelligent and amazing girl he has ever met. He never talked about other women. I feel so guilty,what to do?

[Satu]

To treat someone in such a cruel way verges on sadism.

 

You might think you love him, but you don't.

 

If you did love him, you wouldn't dream of doing what you've done.

 

I'm shocked by the callous way you've treated him.

[Lorenza]

Ever since the start of our relationship, I've enjoyed playing games with him, which I know I shouldn't:

1. I took ages to respond to his messages

2. Never really complimented him or stroke his ego.

3. Rarely reply back to his "I love yous"

4. Never text him back when he texts me good night and good morning.

5. Read his messages and questions, but never respond for days.

6. Pretended to block him once and he started panicking.

7. Spoke about how attractive other guys are and how attractive my exes are.

8. Kept picking up fights and making break up threats, to which he pleaded me not to.

9. Didn't really flirt back.

 

Now he thinks I don't love him the same way he loves me and he is upset and insecure, I feel really bad because I thought being mysterious and playing hard to get worked. Now I feel that I have hurt him. He doesn't believe me when I told him how much I love him, What should I do to show him I love him so much? He is really attractive, chivalrous, polite, sweet, caring, protective (he said he would protect me with all his life) kind and very loving. Although I've spoken about hot guys (and he was really jealous every time), he said he only has eyes for me and I'm the prettiest, most intelligent and amazing girl he has ever met. He never talked about other women. I feel so guilty,what to do?

 

[] The only reason you're feeling bad and guilty is because he's pulling back, fed up with your games and all the faking. If I was him I would doubt the sincerity of your feelings as well, I mean how can you have feelings for someone and toy with him in such a nasty, cruel way? In which way would playing hard to get work? The only explanation is that you wanted a total control of him and his emotions, forcing him to pursue you and worship you. I don't want to sound mean (I'm still hoping this is not a serious topic or that you are a very young girl and don't know better), but I really hope you'll lose him and learn a lesson about treating people the way you'd like to be treated.

Edited March 17, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[veganpilot]

I'm 19 and I haven't dated much. This is not a troll thread, this is true. I have always been regarded as insensitive by my friends, and some of me greatly dislike me for it. I have just realised how bad this is. I mean, he always texts me first, always answers me, always apologises even when it's not his fault, he is always there to cheer me up, always supporting me, is very protective of me, is very scared to lose me and said I am his love, his life and everything. He said he doesn't have eyes for any other women and never ever mentioned any women with me, if I did, he'd turn them down and state that they'd never come so close to being as perfect as me. He never does things I am uncomfortable with and is so loving, gentle, sweet and kind, I need to stop all this game playing. He is not pulling away, but he feels really sad and insecure now. When I mention other guys at work, he would ask me if I thought they were attractive, or ask me if I were attracted to them because they were all way out of his league and he'd be heart broken if I did.

[losangelena]

I'm unsure of two things: how a guy who has that much going for him would put up with that bs, and how you could treat someone you supposedly love like that.

 

[]

Edited March 17, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude ~6

[PegNosePete]

I feel so guilty,what to do?

Tell him you're sorry and you'd like to fix the relationship and that you'll treat him well from now on.

 

Either he will accept that, or he won't.

 

If he does, make sure you do treat him well from now on or you'll lose him (again).

 

If he doesn't accept your apology, learn from it, and don't treat people so badly next time.

[losangelena]

It sounds like you've created the foundation for a very unhealthy relationship. Why would you want to make you BF so insecure? You know, when a man does that to a woman, it's labeled as abuse.

[Zahara]

I'm 19 and I haven't dated much. This is not a troll thread, this is true. I have always been regarded as insensitive by my friends, and some of me greatly dislike me for it. I have just realised how bad this is. I mean, he always texts me first, always answers me, always apologises even when it's not his fault, he is always there to cheer me up, always supporting me, is very protective of me, is very scared to lose me and said I am his love, his life and everything. He said he doesn't have eyes for any other women and never ever mentioned any women with me, if I did, he'd turn them down and state that they'd never come so close to being as perfect as me. He never does things I am uncomfortable with and is so loving, gentle, sweet and kind, I need to stop all this game playing. He is not pulling away, but he feels really sad and insecure now. When I mention other guys at work, he would ask me if I thought they were attractive, or ask me if I were attracted to them because they were all way out of his league and he'd be heart broken if I did.

 

He isn't the one that's insecure. You are. You play games and manipulate to get people to behave the way you want them to because you have no ability to maturely maneuver a relationship.

 

You don't love him. You only love the attention he gives you. You feel bad because you're about to lose those benefits. Being 19 doesn't give you a pass to mistreat people. I hope he stays away from you and learns from this. I think your behaviors come from a place of deep insecurities and until you fix that, I think you'll always play games to get what you want or when you believe you need people to behave on your terms.

Edited March 17, 2016 by Zahara

[Phoenician]

Zahara ,

 

I think it is due Social /religious/cultural pressure.

 

Coming from a place where sex is bad even after marriage , where the girl should be Borderline otherwise she is considered a B...

it is time for change , either you change or u will just remain Borderline all your life .

 

Enjoy your experience without that mentality , free yourself from passive aggressiveness...

 

and play in confort / social zone, but when you commit or marry your hero be that B for him only , and stop playing games...

 

the last person I know who was like this , and was kicking me out of her life ; tried to get back to me divorced after 20 years , when it was too late ...

[NinjaX]

Just to dig a little deeper... when a person plays excessive amount of mind games like this in a relationship, it can stem from deep rooted issues of insecurity.

 

The person who plays games need to feel in control because of the thought of fully surrendering her heart to another man leaves her emotionally vulnerable to be hurt.

 

However, you must understand that a loving relationship is about being vulnerable and opening up to receive love. When you arbitrarily hold back and maintain distance to protect yourself, you are actually sabotaging the relationship. Now you can obviously see the effects of your actions.

 

Knowing that you are 19, you certainly have many things to learn and room to grow. It's good that you are finally realizing your mistakes.

 

The sooner you work through your internal issues and break down those emotional barriers that you erect around yourself, the happier you will be.

[Erik30]

[]

 

Especially since you're saying that you do all of these mean things to him on purpose and you even enjoy it. (But nobody here can diagnose you of course)

 

It's no wonder he doesn't believe you anymore when you act like this. Maybe you should work on yourself, and if you're really able to change, he might forgive you.

Edited March 17, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
personal attack redacted ~6

[smudge21]

I picture a 19 year old girl about to spend a good many years wondering where all the good guys are and why she always ends up with the guys who treat her badly.

 

 

This isn't playing games, it's being cruel and heartless to someone who cares deeply for you. There is no excuse for your behaviour. Clearly this victim of yours is insecure if he feels the need to have someone like you in his life. I only hope he wakes up at some point and finds someone who treats him with the respect he deserves. Maybe then, when you've lost him for good, you may just grow up a bit... although I doubt it.

[Phoenician]

[]

Especially since you're saying that you do all of these mean things to him on purpose and you even enjoy it. (But nobody here can diagnose you of course)

 

It's no wonder he doesn't believe you anymore when you act like this. Maybe you should work on yourself, and if you're really able to change, he might forgive you.

 

Erik ,

 

social /religious factors in certain societies are very disturbing .

 

[]

 

women feel insecure , yet they become very passive aggressive ,

 

My wife is one of them , and I almost got killed by her behavior .

 

OP , to look at it positively now , you need to change , can you ?

Edited March 17, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
edited quote and removed off-topic language ~6

[veganpilot]

No, this is not a joke. I was wrong. I felt superior that I have the upper hand in the relationship and used his admiration for me as an advantage for power. At first, I didn't really like him, and thought he was like all other young men in the army, desperate for any woman's attention (and they do end up getting married to Dependas). He was just going to use me as a substitute until he found someone closer for him and end this LDR. But as we interacted further on Skype, we have made a deep connection but I was afraid of him leaving me for another local girl. I distanced myself from him and treated him like this so I wouldn't be devastated if he did replace me. It was not until later, his intentions were true. I fell in love with him because he truly respected me for who I am and he gained my trust that he will never find a woman like me. I want to change, and use any chance to prove that I love him, and would never do anything to break his heart again.

[Satu]

Have you apologised to him and given him a truthful explanation of your behaviour?

 

If not, you should.

[losangelena]

Well, if you're sincere about changing (which, I just noticed you said you ENJOYED playing games with him—that's sick), then take this list, and reverse it.

 

Ever since the start of our relationship, I've enjoyed playing games with him, which I know I shouldn't:

1. I took ages to respond to his messages

2. Never really complimented him or stroke his ego.

3. Rarely reply back to his "I love yous"

4. Never text him back when he texts me good night and good morning.

5. Read his messages and questions, but never respond for days.

6. Pretended to block him once and he started panicking.

7. Spoke about how attractive other guys are and how attractive my exes are.

8. Kept picking up fights and making break up threats, to which he pleaded me not to.

9. Didn't really flirt back.

 

Reply to him promptly

Give him sincere compliments

Tell him you love him

Text him first telling him good morning, and good night

Don't block him (this is perhaps the cruelest thing)

Don't talk or even look at other dudes

Don't pick fights or threaten to break up

Flirt

 

And, give him lots and lots of time to come around.

 

I still can't believe you enjoyed doing all of that.

[Lady2163]

Ever since the start of our relationship, I've enjoyed playing games with him, which I know I shouldn't:

1. I took ages to respond to his messages

2. Never really complimented him or stroke his ego.

3. Rarely reply back to his "I love yous"

4. Never text him back when he texts me good night and good morning.

5. Read his messages and questions, but never respond for days.

6. Pretended to block him once and he started panicking.

7. Spoke about how attractive other guys are and how attractive my exes are.

8. Kept picking up fights and making break up threats, to which he pleaded me not to.

9. Didn't really flirt back.

 

Now he thinks I don't love him the same way he loves me and he is upset and insecure, I feel really bad because I thought being mysterious and playing hard to get worked. Now I feel that I have hurt him. He doesn't believe me when I told him how much I love him, What should I do to show him I love him so much? He is really attractive, chivalrous, polite, sweet, caring, protective (he said he would protect me with all his life) kind and very loving. Although I've spoken about hot guys (and he was really jealous every time), he said he only has eyes for me and I'm the prettiest, most intelligent and amazing girl he has ever met. He never talked about other women. I feel so guilty,what to do?

 

Whew. Saw this and had to walk away for a few minutes. Still not sure how much venom I can leave out of my response.

 

Congratulations. You're a budding if not full-fledged narcissist and/or sociopath. I don't think I've seen many your age on here.

 

The fact that you knowingly did all of those things and called yourself "mysterious" is a sign. You knew what impact they could have. I'm all for not being too eager and too available in the beginning, but there were things you specifically did not to be mysterious, but to keep him from feeling secure and loved. You wanted him off-center.

 

Jesus, he's in the military and you're doing this? Even a paper pusher stationed stateside needs to have his mind on his work. He doesn't need to be worried about of or when you will call him back. I hope to God he's not in a combat zone or support area. People DIE when your buddy is distracted. It happens all the time.

 

Your guilt at your own misbehavior is not convincing. Because you know all the things you did intentionally, if you weren't a total misanthrope, you should know how to fix it. But your own friends have described you as insensitive.

 

And you should know it took me several minutes to use the word misanthrope instead of many other more colorful words.

 

I'm not convinced that if you were able to pull this man back in to you, that you wouldn't fall back into your familiar patterns. I think once you abuse someone - and make no mistake - that is what you've done and you are an abuser, it becomes a whole different game. I think you have the type of personality that makes you want to see how much you can get away with and still keep people, in this case him, circling and fawning. You will constantly be testing the limits. You love the thrill of manipulating someone and getting one over on them. It probably makes you feel powerful and in control.

 

Since I don't think you can truly break the pattern, if you really are ready to make a genuine sacrifice, the nicest thing you can do for this man is to end it. Let him find someon who doesn't feel the initial foundation of a relationship is game-playing and abuse. Then you need to work on yourself. If you aren't a narcissist or sociopath, therapy, probably group therapy can help. You need some personality adjustments and I'm not sure what groups or type of therapy can help.

[Zahara]

I felt superior that I have the upper hand in the relationship and used his admiration for me as an advantage for power.

 

It's cold and detached. It isn't about love but the benefits that you get -- the admiration, attention, power. It's more about the need to control, possess and dominate, lacking of empathy and compassion as you mentioned you enjoy watching him hurt. You even said your friends have mentioned your insensitivity and their dislike for you. Something doesn't sound right.

 

This is your way to condition your partner so that they stay submissive to you. Let this guy go. It all sounds very narcissistic.

 

It would be in your best interest to stay away from relationships. Work on your insecurities and maybe seek therapy to understand your behaviors. This may provide you better insight and self-awareness to help you better manage your personal life and future relationships.

[introverted1]

VP, have you ever met this guy f2f or has the entire relationship been on Skype?

[mcjordan]

In my opinion, the kindest, most empathetic thing you can do for this man is walk away.

 

[]

Edited March 17, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed off-topic links ~6

[SammySammy]

Ever since the start of our relationship, I've enjoyed playing games with him, which I know I shouldn't:

1. I took ages to respond to his messages

2. Never really complimented him or stroke his ego.

3. Rarely reply back to his "I love yous"

4. Never text him back when he texts me good night and good morning.

5. Read his messages and questions, but never respond for days.

6. Pretended to block him once and he started panicking.

7. Spoke about how attractive other guys are and how attractive my exes are.

8. Kept picking up fights and making break up threats, to which he pleaded me not to.

9. Didn't really flirt back.

 

Now he thinks I don't love him the same way he loves me and he is upset and insecure, I feel really bad because I thought being mysterious and playing hard to get worked. Now I feel that I have hurt him. He doesn't believe me when I told him how much I love him, What should I do to show him I love him so much? He is really attractive, chivalrous, polite, sweet, caring, protective (he said he would protect me with all his life) kind and very loving. Although I've spoken about hot guys (and he was really jealous every time), he said he only has eyes for me and I'm the prettiest, most intelligent and amazing girl he has ever met. He never talked about other women. I feel so guilty,what to do?

 

I'm just curious ....

 

What did you achieve by doing this? What did you accomplish?

 

What was your goal or purpose? Are you satisfied with the result?

 

Why did you think treating someone this way was necessary or appropriate?

[veganpilot]

He forgave me! God, I will never do these things to him again, and he is really happy about it too. I will do all the opposite to make him feel loved again. But the reason why I did it was because I thought all young soldiers pay attention and would love any woman with a pulse. Apparently I was wrong.

 

And he hadn't been to the front line yet. So he won't be shot or anything.

[introverted1]

VP, have you ever met this guy f2f or has the entire relationship been on Skype?

 

Can you answer this?

[Robert]

Folks, rather than berating the thread-starter or calling her a troll, let's post supportive advice about how to recover from playing games.

 

Moderation has reviewed this thread and will continue to monitor it. Leave out the personal attacks or find your posting privileges removed for a few days.

 

For everyone's consideration:

LoveShack.org Community Forums - Announcements in Forum : LoveShack.org Questions and Comments

 

Thank you,

~6

[Redhead14]

Ever since the start of our relationship, I've enjoyed playing games with him, which I know I shouldn't:

1. I took ages to respond to his messages

2. Never really complimented him or stroke his ego.

3. Rarely reply back to his "I love yous"

4. Never text him back when he texts me good night and good morning.

5. Read his messages and questions, but never respond for days.

6. Pretended to block him once and he started panicking.

7. Spoke about how attractive other guys are and how attractive my exes are.

8. Kept picking up fights and making break up threats, to which he pleaded me not to.

9. Didn't really flirt back.

 

Now he thinks I don't love him the same way he loves me and he is upset and insecure, I feel really bad because I thought being mysterious and playing hard to get worked. Now I feel that I have hurt him. He doesn't believe me when I told him how much I love him, What should I do to show him I love him so much? He is really attractive, chivalrous, polite, sweet, caring, protective (he said he would protect me with all his life) kind and very loving. Although I've spoken about hot guys (and he was really jealous every time), he said he only has eyes for me and I'm the prettiest, most intelligent and amazing girl he has ever met. He never talked about other women. I feel so guilty,what to do?

 

 

I feel so guilty,what to do? --Stop playing games! Why would you do that to anyone let alone a "boyfriend".

 

he said he only has eyes for me and I'm the prettiest, most intelligent and amazing girl he has ever met -- He's says that about a woman who has been jerking him around? He needs to rethink his options.

 

I feel really bad because I thought being mysterious and playing hard to get worked. -- Worked? How? Making a man feel insecure and hurt is your goal?

 

Get real with this guy, if you really like him, and right away. This is the kind of stuff that ruins the dating pool for others . . .