Does it really get easier?

[Northern soul]

I was with my wife 20 years in and off and we broke up and I moved out about 4 years ago. Since then we have made some attempt at getting back together but they always fail. It's been about a month now and I am really trying to move on and not go back. But I just get so lonely sometimes. I have loads of great freinds and am really active but it's just those times when I come to settle down on my own (like tonight mid week) that as I spend time alone it just starts to creep on me. I feel a bit pathetic but I really don't like being on my own that much and just want someone to be with. I end up disparing and worrying. Do you thing these times will pass and I will learn to cope on my own? Like I say I'm doing lots of exercise and mindfulness practice but it's just so up and down sometimes?

[Satu]

It is possible to get into a relationship with yourself that gives you a sense of deep satisfaction and fulfilment when you are alone, but its something that takes time to establish. It means getting to know yourself bit by bit, until you finally realise that it's ok to be happy.

 

The culture we live in constantly bombards us with the message that happiness is outside of us; that we can only be happy if we can find someone who loves us with a kind of fierce intensity. The real truth is that happiness does not depend on circumstances. You don't need a beautiful wife to be happy. You don't need lots of money. You don't need to have power and influence. You don't need fame.

 

You do need people, but you don't need them to be happy.

 

Spending time alone helps us find our happiness in ourselves, where it was all along.

 

Spend more time alone with yourself if you want to overcome your loneliness.

 

Go camp in the mountains.

 

"Our language has wisely sensed the two sides of being alone. It has created the word loneliness to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word solitude to express the glory of being alone."

 

- Paul Tillich.

Edited March 16, 2016 by Satu

[YWGMan]

It is possible to get into a relationship with yourself that gives you a sense of deep satisfaction and fulfilment when you are alone, but its something that takes time to establish. It means getting to know yourself bit by bit, until you finally realise that it's ok to be happy.

 

The culture we live in constantly bombards us with the message that happiness is outside of us; that we can only be happy if we can find someone who loves us with a kind of fierce intensity. The real truth is that happiness does not depend on circumstances. You don't need a beautiful wife to be happy. You don't need lots of money. You don't need to have power and influence. You don't need fame.

 

You do need people, but you don't need them to be happy.

 

Spending time alone helps us find our happiness in ourselves, where it was all along.

 

Spend more time alone with yourself if you want to overcome your loneliness.

 

Go camp in the mountains.

 

"Our language has wisely sensed the two sides of being alone. It has created the word loneliness to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word solitude to express the glory of being alone."

 

- Paul Tillich.

 

I agree, since i broken up with my ex bf now i spend time alone mostly, discovering local coffee shops around the city and spoiling myself with specialty drinks. it does makes me happy, start with little things. smile to people, men or women, young and old. it is infectious. The first two months i had my family and friends almost everyday but after that you have to be on your own so you have to get up and start to find your own happiness little by little. It does get better but not gonna lie there are days that i still feel down. Hang in there my friend, it is not an easy battle.

 

NC for 3 months and 18 days.

 

Take care.

[Northern soul]

Thanks Satu and YWGman for your very kind replies and encouraging advice. I am working on being happy with myself. I do a lot of mindfulness meditation and also running in the park to try and focus my thoughts.

 

I think one of the difficult things is that I haven't been dumped as such. It's more a mutual thing where we both keep trying and then hitting barriers like have crossed words or not understanding each other. We both feel it's sad that we can't work it out. It feels so very special like we will never meet other people like us and I think this is what keeps drawing us back. I think we are both so tired from it though. It's very sad.

 

It's not just trying to move on from being dumped. It's trying to prize apart two people that do love each other but keep clashing. It just makes it all the harder.

 

I'm not being pessimistic though. I will keep trying to move on