xpinkgoddessx Posted June 14, 2005 Posted June 14, 2005 Hi y'all. I just got married in March of this year. We have two children, a 2 year old, and a 3-month old who is breastfeeding. We've been together since April of last year. To make a long story short, we conceived a child 2 years and 9 months ago and didn't know it was his until April of last year. It was love at first chat (he also lived a state away from me --dont ask!!) and he was a great father from the beginning. About a week after I moved to his state, I cheated on him (totally unbearably stupid terrible thing, I just turned 21 last April, so last June, he kept our son, I went to the bar, and the rest is history). Then we got engaged the end of June, then we were pregnant by July. He found out about the cheating in October (day before sweetest day actually how lovely). Our relationship became sooo different, because all of a sudden I was afraid I would lose him. I became a submissive, Christian wife (the wife I believe I am supposed to be). Now here we are 3 months post partum, I have just about lost all the baby weight and do Pilates every day (seeing results!) believe that I am fairly sexy. But lately I have been SO depressed about us. I feel like he is bored with me, we have sex all the time, but only because *I* say "Wanna have sex?" I love sex, always have. But I worry that he doesn't find me attractive, he never tells me I'm beautiful or sexy, he does look at me when I wear cute lingerie, but he still never says anything. I've talked to him about it, and I get a nice note the next day and then that's it, until I bring it up again. I'm just so incredibly depressed I don't know what to do with myself. I started smoking again, which I know doesn't make him happy but I don't know what to do with these feelings and it seems like he thinks I think "he can't do anything right" which is so untrue!!! He is a wonderful man, I just want him to drag me into the bedroom and ask me for sex and tell me I'm the only one for him, and blah blah blah. Am I asking too much? Sorry this is so long, I so desperately need some help and have no one to talk to!!
New_Wife Posted June 14, 2005 Posted June 14, 2005 Hither Thee to a counselor ASAP. You've got way too much on your plate. It's all normal stuff, but a lot at once. Tie that in with postpartum hormonal changes and the needs of a new baby - there's really not a lot of ways to get through all of that unscathed. Your post looked like a person drowning in a lot of things, and I picture the counselor as your lifeguard in this situation. Take care of you. Please! None of the rest will matter if you have a breakdown.
Skeered Posted June 14, 2005 Posted June 14, 2005 I agree with new wife... I have sorta been there done that (what you are going through) and I waited a long time to seek help and basically drowned in this pit that I felt I wouldn't recover from. Sounds to me to like you are still dealing with the guilt of your cheating...unless you haven't spoken and gotten an excepted apology that you believe from your hubby this will eat you up too...I never felt like my EX and I could be the same because of what I did (even though I never had sex with this other guy the thought was there and I feel that's enough) so he then started cheating in other ways on me...by the time we finally sought counseling I think it was too far gone. Although now I know that we weren't really ever right for eachother I do feel that I wouldn't have hurt for so long and put myself through hell if I would have just faced all the issues and gotten help. Don't deal with these issues alone...I wish you all the best in the world...
pinkgoddess Posted June 15, 2005 Posted June 15, 2005 Thanks for your replies. I think I am having a lot of trouble forgiving myself for what I did, and that's part of where this is coming from. He is a WONDERFUL man, to the point that I don't even feel like I deserve him. ESPECIALLY after I hurt him like that. He has said he's forgiven me, I've asked God to forgive me, but I really can't forgive myself. I am in the process of finding out about what the insurance covers for counseling, because I do believe that is the right avenue for me.
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted June 15, 2005 Posted June 15, 2005 I agree in that you need to take care of your self and your kids, but I also think your husband needs a kick in the a$$ to start understanding what you are going through. I would suggest marriage counselling, but for sure get some help for YOU - a support group even with other moms of toddlers. For years I would be preparing dinner and hoping he could come and put his arms around me from behind and say something nice to me. It never happened in 13 years of marriage, and although we had communication problems, what I was asking for here is not something one should have to ask for. Plain and simple affection from thy husband. I too cheated during marriage, and I wish he would have said something sooner to the effect that he couldn't totally forgive me, and didn't have it in his heart to love me anymore.
Author xpinkgoddessx Posted June 15, 2005 Author Posted June 15, 2005 Thanks for your replies. I believe I have not forgiven myself. He says he has forgiven me, and I believe he has. He really is a wonderful man, he just doesn't "think" like that... Sometimes I wonder if I actually deserve him. Counseling is definitely on the menu.
New_Wife Posted June 15, 2005 Posted June 15, 2005 Oh Sweetie, Lord help us if we all got what we "deserved." Fortunately, love (and life) don't always work that way. There is no quick answer for guilt. I've not been in your shoes on the cheating, but I've made some whoppers of bad choices in my own special way. I know that guilt is a pretty useless emotion after the initial warning it provides that you're doing something wrong. You are cheating your husband now of the wife he loved enough to forgive & you are cheating yourself of the strenght of such a relationship. If you can't afford it - find a counselor that works on a sliding fee scale. Please. Life is about so much more than remaining stuck in mistakes.
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