Girlfriend with depression, unsure if feelings are gone

[rexal]

This might be a long post, so forgive me if it's tl;dr.

 

I'll start off with some backstory on us:

 

My girlfriend has a history of depression/anxiety, her ex broke up with her because she didn't want to have sex anymore. It started to slow down until she ultimately wanted to stop. She loved him a lot and had future plans with him, so the disinterest in sex was because of her depression.

 

We've been together for 3 1/2 months. The first month was absolutely amazing, we saw eachother ~4 times a week and couldn't keep our hands off eachother. After the first month things slowed down a little and I got worried and became clingy/controlling and was just an overall ****ty boyfriend. We only saw eachother ~2 times a week, and had sex once a week opposed to every time we got together. We used to talk a ton prior to this, and it halted and talking to her was excruciating. She'd only reply with one word answers, so I knew something was wrong. When I was with her, however, she would constantly text/talk to her friends so I knew it was something to do with me. I kept asking her what was wrong, and she simply told me it was due to depression. 3 week of this and she finally opened up and told me it was because I was controlling/clingy, so I made a conscious effort to give her more space and be a better boyfriend.

 

We've talked about it a few more times, and she insists that everythings gotten better, and I've been doing better. I've made a huge effort and I'm almost certain we're good in that regard. I've changed how I do things immensely to give her appropriate space and so I'm not clingy/controlling.

 

However, after all of this we continue to only see eachother ~2 times a week. When we do get together, it's devolves into me watching something while she sleeps next to me the entire time. We spend almost no quality time together, since making plans with her is almost impossible. We talk significantly better than we did during our 2nd month, but it's still sporadic and nowhere near how we used to be in our first month.

 

I've confronted her about this, and she's told me it's due to depression- which is exactly what she told me before, when I was just being an awful boyfriend. However, last month was the anniversary of something really painful for her, and she's told me/her friends have told me she always gets extremely depressed around this time, so it makes sense that it could be due to depression.

 

She did, however, tell me that things changed because we've exited the infatuation stage of our relationship. I asked her if it was partially due to me being a ****ty boyfriend, and she admitted it could be partially because of how I was acting. She said the mixture of that and the bad date could have ended that. She told me she still loves me, and that the ending of the infatuation stage doesn't mean feelings fading.

 

Despite our hardships of doing things together, she started going to the gym ~3/4 times a week with a few friends, where she then goes shopping/elsewhere afterwards. I've tried for the past 3/4 weeks to take her out for coffee, and we've agreed on dates, but she's canceled 4 or 5 times now because she was too tired from going out with her friends earlier that day, and she needs to sleep. Several of those times she simply said she was too tired, and once or twice she invited me over to watch stuff while she slept. She's never offered a compromise, such as a different, better date. However, we finally, after 3/4 weeks of her canceling, met for coffee- but after an hour she had to get ready to leave to go out with the same friends she's canceled on me with before.

 

I feel like I have almost no priority in her life now, and that I'm merely a placeholder or an obligation at this point.

 

So my questions are:

 

Is it normal to leave the "infatuation stage" of a relationship after the first month and still have strong feelings for someone, and make the relationship work?

 

Does depression excuse what she's been doing? I confronted her about her canceling the dates, and she apologized and said she'd try to be better. But, shouldn't she want to spend time with me, and not prioritize me absolute last?

 

Is our relationship this way due to depression, or did I push her away and destroy her feelings for me by being a bad boyfriend initially? Is it salvageable?

 

How exactly should I approach/act to any of this?

Edited March 16, 2016 by rexal

[NinjaX]

When a woman tells you that you are clingy/controlling, your best move is to back off.

 

Don't try to continuously set dates. I can tell by her behaviour that the quality of your time spent together has gotten worse. Instead of going out with you because it's fun and exciting, it becomes an obligation just to keep you satisfied.

 

Give her plenty of space. No contact. No texting chit-chat.

 

When she reaches out to you, then set a date. Her depression explanation may have some degree of truth to it, but it's likely to be an excuse because her attraction level naturally dropped off because you are over-pursuing.

 

Also, don't confront women about cancelling dates. It never works out because they will always find an excuse and they will rarely give you an answer that's logical.

[lana-banana]

Woman with depression checking in.

 

The first month was absolutely amazing...After the first month things slowed down a little and I got worried and became clingy/controlling and was just an overall ****ty boyfriend...She'd only reply with one word answers, so I knew something was wrong. When I was with her, however, she would constantly text/talk to her friends so I knew it was something to do with me. I kept asking her what was wrong, and she simply told me it was due to depression. 3 week of this and she finally opened up and told me it was because I was controlling/clingy, so I made a conscious effort to give her more space and be a better boyfriend.

 

You haven't been dating for four months and she's already spent three weeks mostly ignoring you? This is a much bigger problem than you realize.

 

We've talked about it a few more times, and she insists that everythings gotten better, and I've been doing better. I've made a huge effort...However, after all of this we continue to only see each other ~2 times a week. When we do get together, it's devolves into me watching something while she sleeps next to me the entire time. We spend almost no quality time together, since making plans with her is almost impossible...I've confronted her about this, and she's told me it's due to depression...She did, however, tell me that things changed because we've exited the infatuation stage of our relationship. I asked her if it was partially due to me being a ****ty boyfriend, and she admitted it could be partially because of how I was acting...Despite our hardships of doing things together, she started going to the gym ~3/4 times a week, where she then goes shopping/elsewhere afterwards. I've tried for the past 3/4 weeks to take her out for coffee, and we've agreed on dates, but she's canceled 4 or 5 times now because she was too tired from going out with her friends earlier that day, and she needs to sleep. Several of those times she simply said she was too tired, and once or twice she invited me over to watch stuff while she slept. She's never offered a compromise, such as a different, better date. However, we finally, after 3/4 weeks of her canceling, met for coffee- but after an hour she had to get ready to leave to go out with the same friends she's canceled on me with before.

 

I feel like I have almost no priority in her life now, and that I'm merely a placeholder or an obligation at this point.

 

I agree. She seems to be ignoring you in hopes that you'll go away. Why are you putting up with this?

 

Is it normal to leave the "infatuation stage" of a relationship after the first month and still have strong feelings for someone, and make the relationship work?

 

If both parties are adults I think a one-month infatuation state is perilously short. Unless you've known each other for a long time prior, you haven't had enough time to build a relationship worth saving.

 

Does depression excuse what she's been doing? I confronted her about her canceling the dates, and she apologized and said she'd try to be better. But, shouldn't she want to spend time with me, and not prioritize me absolute last?

 

No, it doesn't, and yes, she should. If she already has no desire to be with you it's a very bad sign. Relationships shouldn't be much of an effort in the first few months or even the first year. They should be fun times, rainbows and sunshine, and nonstop sex.

 

Is our relationship this way due to depression, or did I push her away and destroy her feelings for me by being a bad boyfriend initially? Is it salvageable?

 

Without knowing how "controlling and clingy" you were, it's hard to say. That being said---and yes, of course I'm not a doctor---this doesn't sound like depression to me at all. You describe her as functioning just fine except where you're concerned. It may be your relationship is bumming her out because you aren't the guy she thought you were, or she's just one of those people who likes the idea of a significant other but doesn't have the energy to care for someone else. The short version is she doesn't like you enough to respect you and treat you like her boyfriend. Why settle for less than you deserve?

 

How exactly should I approach/act to any of this?

 

Ask her if she sincerely wants to make an effort to salvage your relationship. If you want to try your hardest, then tell her, and show her you mean it. If she doesn't reciprocate then walk. No relationship is worth this kind of headache so soon.

[rexal]

When a woman tells you that you are clingy/controlling, your best move is to back off.

 

Don't try to continuously set dates. I can tell by her behaviour that the quality of your time spent together has gotten worse. Instead of going out with you because it's fun and exciting, it becomes an obligation just to keep you satisfied.

 

Give her plenty of space. No contact. No texting chit-chat.

 

When she reaches out to you, then set a date. Her depression explanation may have some degree of truth to it, but it's likely to be an excuse because her attraction level naturally dropped off because you are over-pursuing.

 

Also, don't confront women about cancelling dates. It never works out because they will always find an excuse and they will rarely give you an answer that's logical.

 

Well, I assume it was because I was clingy/controlling. She merely told me she was worried about talking to me, and when I asked her what she was worried about she merely replied "idk". There was an aspect of it because I kept getting upset over things, so it could have been that. But she almost never gives me a straight answer.

 

I've tried to go the no chit-chat route and she assumed I was angry at her or something was wrong.

 

Have I passed the point of no return, is the attraction salvageable at this point? I feel like if I go no contact and we don't see eachother she'll lose all interest and move on.

[NinjaX]

Well, I assume it was because I was clingy/controlling. She merely told me she was worried about talking to me, and when I asked her what she was worried about she merely replied "idk". There was an aspect of it because I kept getting upset over things, so it could have been that. But she almost never gives me a straight answer.

 

I've tried to go the no chit-chat route and she assumed I was angry at her or something was wrong.

 

Have I passed the point of no return, is the attraction salvageable at this point? I feel like if I go no contact and we don't see eachother she'll lose all interest and move on.

 

If you get upset when she opens up, she going to naturally say things like "idk" because she fears that you will get upset.

 

When you go no chit-chat, it does NOT mean ignoring her.

 

In your most loving voice say something like "NAME, I understand that you want some space and I am happy to give you that.

 

I value our connection and I want you in my life.

 

Give me a shout when you want to get together and I will be delighted to meet up with you then."

 

It's difficult to say if it's salvageable. The point is that you back off, and if she values you the same way you value her, she will reach out to you. If not, then it's time to move on.

[rexal]

If you get upset when she opens up, she going to naturally say things like "idk" because she fears that you will get upset.

 

When you go no chit-chat, it does NOT mean ignoring her.

 

In your most loving voice say something like "NAME, I understand that you want some space and I am happy to give you that.

 

I value our connection and I want you in my life.

 

Give me a shout when you want to get together and I will be delighted to meet up with you then."

 

It's difficult to say if it's salvageable. The point is that you back off, and if she values you the same way you value her, she will reach out to you. If not, then it's time to move on.

 

That's exactly what I've done. I've never once gotten upset with her for opening up, when I said I got upset it was because she wouldn't tell me anything. Since the beginning, even when we were perfectly fine, I'd ask questions about our relationship and she'd merely reply "idk".

 

I've made it a point to be really happy and positive whenever she opens up and shares stuff with me.

 

She's usually the one to initiate contact first, too. She'll do it several times throughout the day, almost like she expects me to carry the conversation. She's told me she's really bad with social stuff and with talking, so I have no idea.

 

When I confronted her about her constantly canceling on me she was worried and asked if I was breaking up with her, so she seems like she's still invested to some extent in the relationship. I just don't know if she likes me because I'm constantly available and she has no one else to rely on, or what.

Edited March 16, 2016 by rexal

[NinjaX]

That's exactly what I've done. I've never once gotten upset with her for opening up, when I said I got upset it was because she wouldn't tell me anything. Since the beginning, even when we were perfectly fine, I'd ask questions about our relationship and she'd merely reply "idk".

 

I've made it a point to be really happy and positive whenever she opens up and shares stuff with me.

 

She's usually the one to initiate contact first, too. She'll do it several times throughout the day, almost like she expects me to carry the conversation. She's told me she's really bad with social stuff and with talking, so I have no idea.

 

What kind of questions were you asking about your relationship? Usually questions like that means you are walking on thin ice. It's very easy to mess things up here.

 

When a woman reaches out to you, focus on setting a date instead of feeling obligated to chit chat. When you ask her out, one of two things will happen:

 

1) You two set a date. Then go have fun, show her a good time

2) If she gives you a wishy-washy answer, just say "No problem, let me know when you are free and we will do something then". Then you cut the chit chat

[NinjaX]

 

When I confronted her about her constantly canceling on me she was worried and asked if I was breaking up with her, so she seems like she's still invested to some extent in the relationship. I just don't know if she likes me because I'm constantly available and she has no one else to rely on, or what.

 

That's why you don't get confrontational about this stuff. Women will come to you when they want to. If she cancels dates, you back off, throw the ball in her court to reschedule and that's it.

[rexal]

What kind of questions were you asking about your relationship? Usually questions like that means you are walking on thin ice. It's very easy to mess things up here.

 

When a woman reaches out to you, focus on setting a date instead of feeling obligated to chit chat. When you ask her out, one of two things will happen:

 

1) You two set a date. Then go have fun, show her a good time

2) If she gives you a wishy-washy answer, just say "No problem, let me know when you are free and we will do something then". Then you cut the chit chat

 

I'm entirely new to dating and relationships and junk, so I had no idea what I was doing right/wrong. So I asked her what I'm doing that's good, if I've done anything wrong or weird, and what I could improve on.

[d0nnivain]

When I'm depressed I feel empty. I don't want to go out with anybody. I don't want to talk. I just want to be left alone. If I get motivated to get up & out, I'm usually OK & can continue, at least that day/

 

So my experience doesn't track with her going out with friends, then being too depressed to see you when you already had a date scheduled. I think she's using depression as an excuse. Being able to go to the gym should also elevate her mood.

 

I have never had infatuation wear off in a mere month so that also seems off to me.

[NinjaX]

I'm entirely new to dating and relationships and junk, so I had no idea what I was doing right/wrong. So I asked her what I'm doing that's good, if I've done anything wrong or weird, and what I could improve on.

 

Yeah...avoid asking those questions.

 

It presupposes that you don't know how to please her. It makes you look weak. It also implies insecurity in yourself because you are unsure of how to lead her properly or that maybe you are not good enough at the moment.

 

When a woman senses that, they will back off because you don't appear masculine.

 

Instead of asking, observe. When is she happy with you? What were you guys doing? What actions does she respond to?

 

By looking at her behaviour and actions, it will give you all the answers.

[rexal]

I have never had infatuation wear off in a mere month so that also seems off to me.

 

That's how I feel too, that seems far too soon for me too.

 

However, we were kind of a "thing" prior to officially dating, so the infatuation stage might be closer to 2 months, if that makes much of a difference.

 

Despite all our troubles and how she acts I still feel that way for her, and it's hard to operate when we're on 2 completely different pages, wanting 2 completely different things.

[rexal]

Yeah...avoid asking those questions.

 

It presupposes that you don't know how to please her. It makes you look weak. It also implies insecurity in yourself because you are unsure of how to lead her properly or that maybe you are not good enough at the moment.

 

When a woman senses that, they will back off because you don't appear masculine.

 

Instead of asking, observe. When is she happy with you? What were you guys doing? What actions does she respond to?

 

By looking at her behaviour and actions, it will give you all the answers.

 

This is all amazing advice, I really appreciate it.

[Miss Peach]

I really don't get what you are getting from this relationship. The first month isn't going to magically reappear if you keep waiting. The actions you've gotten 2/3 of the relationship is that she's not in it. When actions and words don't align; trust the actions over the words IMO.

 

When a woman cancels, doesn't make any quality time for you, etc. these are bad signs IMO. Her interest level isn't there but she's not ready to end it for whatever reason. You are at least number 2 in her life right now behind her friends. I don't think that's necessarily a bad things per se being only 3 months in but with the other signs I don't think it bodes well for the health of your relationship.

 

I also think that the depression is just an excuse. I could see her learning on 1 or 2 really close friends during this time but going out like you describe is not what I have observed in people I know who have been depressed.

 

I remember when the infatuation stage left me current RS. It left but what settled in it's place was a stronger connection; not a weaker one. I think that's an excuse too.