Can it still work or doomed from start?

[DaANdt]

Evening all,

 

Looking for some advice really. I am a a 32 year old male that recently got involved with a younger girl (23). Apologies for the length of this email but i wanted to get as much information in as possible whilst condensing down what i can.

 

Ok so the starting point was a work Xmas Party. She had been working for the company for around 3 weeks and to be honest whilst she was very attractive I never had a major interest. This of course changed at the Xmas party after we had spent the majority of the evening in eachothers company. We ended up back at my hotel room (she initiated this downstairs) but nothing actually happened (no kissing or sex at all). The kicker here was that we were both in a relationship (mine was an unhappy one for a long time (i lived with my gf)) - yes i know its wrong, but it happened anyway and we spent the evening together.

 

The following day we chatted for a few hours and then went our separate ways. It wasn't until the following week I emailed her and thus began our flirting at work. During this week she split from her boyfriend of 2 years and I had split from my girlfriend (I know its a quick jump but as above i had been unhappy for a long time and my thoughts were if i could get in that situation with another woman then it clearly wasn't working properly (likely my fault)). We get to the first weekend we spend together (1 week after the Xmas party). we meet on a Friday night to go out for a meal and drink. We end up a hotel but nothing happens except us kissing (i will add that i was not trying to do anything). We continue this trend until the 27th December where we eventually slept together. Note we had also regularly seen eachother after work virtually every day.

 

Now this isn't about sex at all now that we have finally done it. Fast forward two months and we are inseperable. We see eachother every weekend (Fri, Sat and Sun) and often meet after work.

 

We have obviously had a lot of deep conversations etc about practically everything. I know what people will think as they keep reading, that this is to fast to soon and due to her age there is a certain immaturity factor potentially. I understand that and thought the same, but this is a question i now also find myself asking again. Over this time together she has told me she is in love with me and i have not long after realised this is the case for me to.

 

Anyway..... we get to a weekend when we finally are not going to be together. She has a night out planned with her friends. Yes you guessed it I am alittle bothered about this. The reason mainly is that she can get in quite a state to the point where she doesnt actually remember anything. I have only seen this once with her when out where she had alot to drink and wanted to go to a hotel. Due to the state she was in i dropped her home (she wasnt happy). The following day she wakes and cannot remember half the night.

 

So my thinking immediately when shes going out - will she get in this much of a state that she wont know what is going on. I wasn't at this point even thinking that her friends would look after her i was in worst case scenario mode. We had a not so great Friday night (due to me being concerned) but she stayed and left the following morning. I do need to mention that i was being fairly awkward about things but i am not to sure why other than just for the sake of it, possibly because she was off out and i was worried. On the Saturday night she went out and yes got in a state. However, i get a text at midnight that she wants to see me. I go get her, drop her friend home and as she was in a state dropped her home aswell (i wish i had just taken her home with me so she could sleep it off as Sunday is then better!). She calls me the next day in the morning and we were fine. unfortunately something twigged in my head and our converstation organising the day takes a turn for the worst and i get quite dickish on the phone about the night before as she cannot remember much. Now i havent accused her or anything like that it was more me again being awkward for no particular reason but I was i guess being protective over things as i honestly did not want to lose her. Anyway we argue and she hangs up. We then didn't actually speak until the following day at work although i had been trying to apologise through Sunday.

 

We get through Monday (but were not sorted) and then get a minor breakthrough Tuesday where we start talking again. By Wednesday I am taking her out for a meal to discuss the weekend previous and my concerns. We makeup to get us back on track.

 

We get to the following weekend and everything is fine. I have organised a works night out with everyone. I think initially i thought it as an opportunity for me and her not to be a secret (from work) and be closer with others around us.

 

We were naturally close on the evening but as it was a works do we enjoyed everyones company. Now i cannot understate my feelings for this girl, I am in love with her massively (as far as i am aware she feels the same). I haven't felt like this in years (13 to be exact).

 

We have a decent time bowling, get to the meal and i can feel jealousy coming on. Now i honestly have never in my life been a jealous person, possessive or controlling. When i have a drink i am also just having a laugh with company and no dramas so this is a first for me. We all end up in a bar and well i get the green eyed monster and think she fancies two guys from work (I honestly dont think that at all, not even in the slightest but its happened). We argue briefly and everything goes back to normal but then I seem to believe i have a need to apologise. Now she is telling me "its fine were discuss later", but as i am now drunk i continue to press to sort this issue that wasnt an issue if that makes sense. I get to a point where i am now massively frustrated and being a clown trying to talk to her - (I get removed from bar). I have not violent in anyway just drunk! She heads home and ignores me completely.

 

As i have said above this is massively out of character for me. This has never ever happened at all in the past.

 

She is off work following this for the next two days. (as i am writing this i can see its all me being a complete prat).

 

Apologies for slimming this down as there is alot of bulk up to it but trying the quick version really to stop people getting bored. It does sound massively bad on me, but it is in no way as bad as it reads. i haven't been violent at all or anything like that. The first weekend I was, I think being protective and the second Saturday i got jealous whilst being drunk. Both crap excuses i guess but it was the case.

 

Now this girl has had a few bad breakups from what she has told me and my relationship was long term but unhappy. She tells me much like splitting from her BF when met me that she can just switch off (like splitting with her ex of 2 years just like that when meeting me).

 

Now after this second saturday she returns to work and we sit down in my office and i apologise as I should about the weekend (This was the first time we had seen eachother since). At this point she thinks i am a massive "dick" and i dont blame her for that but from here it is literally gone from hot to iceberg cold.

 

writing this has helped alot just by getting some of this out and i know its me thats caused this. I think what i am trying to get advice on is how do i sort it, what is she thinking maybe? or something along those lines.

 

As this is a very short version and i have tried apologising since the saturday, i am in a position where i know i have made a massive mistake and have been apologising for this. Now i accept that i will have hurt her, worried her and scared her by how Saturday went and the week before.

 

I should point out that prior to the two weekends most recent, we had been out with other people. guys, girls, work mates etc and everything has been extremely good.

 

you know what i am not sure what i am searching for here lol. this seems so weird. I am sorry as this feels so disjointed.

 

Anyway..... were in a position now where she wants nothing to do with me (relationship wise), we still get on massively well etc etc. I believe she still fancies me (i think), and i know how i feel about her. I guess what i am looking for is, can anything be salvaged between us? After this split i am literally devastated, i know i have condensed it down as much as possible but i cannot eat, sleep etc. Its literally like my world is over and i feel like crap.

 

I know the above reflects badly on me for those two weekends but i honestly have never been like that before. My feelings got the better of me on the second weekend as i guess i didnt want it to be work orientated and more about me and her. The first weekend i just feel i was being protective as didnt want anything to happen to her. I know people on here will read this and think WTF.

 

Yes a whirlwind romance of two months, yes i fell in love quickly as did she (i thought), and yes there were two bad weekends but as i have mentioned both are fully out of character for me.

 

I know i would have worried her but how would she actually be feeling now? its gone soooooooo cold and i understand it remains fresh for awhile (11 days gone). I cannot stress how good we have been together every single time prior to those weekends. It has literally been completely perfect. I guess i am searching for how she can just switch off at the click of a button. I know i have hurt her etc i just want to know if she would potentially still care, whether there was hope in the future (weeks/months down the line etc).

 

I must add that whilst i did have two bad weekends this girl is known as hurricane name here. She has in the past gone off the hinges in a previous relationship due to cheating and drugs etc. Also know when getting drunk to do the same.

 

Is this simply a case of age being an issue, me wanting more than it actually was? i dont know. I am just searching for help really. I am still in love with her and do want us to work which i think we can if she gave me the chance to.

 

Any advice is much appreciated. Thank you for reading and apologies for the disjointed way it appears. If you have any questions i am more than happy to expand on things.

[Satu]

Two bad weekends in two months is too many.

 

It creates an expectation of more of the same.

 

She's probably just not up for that.

 

If you'll forgive me for saying it, it gives me the impression that both of you are a bit unstable and prone to drama.

 

It also looks like both of you have a questionable relationship with alcohol.

 

There are lots of obvious cons, but I don't see any real pros.

 

I think its run its course.

 

 

Sorry to be so blunt.

[DaANdt]

I appreciate the honesty! I am not into drama to be fair but i know that she has been in relationships where she has caused quite abit (not with me though I might add). In relation to alcohol as I mentioned it has never been an issue in the past. I can drink to a certain point but know my limit and always stop.

 

I guess I was more concerned as to the way i acted over these two weekends which i havent done previously (protective (if thats the right word) and jealous).

[CarrieT]

I appreciate the honesty! I am not into drama to be fair but i know that she has been in relationships where she has caused quite abit (not with me though I might add).

With all due respect, YOU were the one causing the drama with the jealousy and it escalated.

 

I guess I was more concerned as to the way i acted over these two weekends which i havent done previously (protective (if thats the right word) and jealous).

Good for you to be concerned. I believe it shows you bonded too hard, too early, and too fast.

 

Ultimately, you are older and more experienced and have already gone through that stage in your life that she is just now beginning to experience. I believe part of your jealousy lies in not being able to experience all this with her. You also understand what happens at that age and are concerned that she will show the poor judgment that people at that age do.

 

I hate to say this, but I think in the long run, the relationship will not last - partly because of the alcohol issue but also because you can't be everything to each other every weekend and whenever she wants a weekend away from you, you will not be able to handle it (nor might she be able to handle herself).

[LD1990]

She doesn't sound like someone fit for a relationship at this point, and you may not be either. You two spent the night together while in relationships with other people. Even though you didn't have sex, that's still wrong and from your perspective, how do you know she won't do the same to you at some point?

 

I wouldn't want a girlfriend that drinks to the point where she can't remember anything. And she has cheated before? You're asking for trouble if you try to have a serious relationship with this girl.

 

Getting kicked out of the bar happens to people who drink too much. If this has never happened to you before and it has now that you're with her, it's probably time to reconsider the relationship.

[mightycpa]

For whatever reason, there seems to be a surge of problems with guys who are 32 and girls who are 23. It doesn't really matter who causes the problems, the common element is that it doesn't work.

 

A relationship with you means that she doesn't get to live the early part of her twenties the way she should.

 

Find yourself a nice 28 or 29 year old woman, or older.