lamaga Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 Hi guys, the first thing I should say is that I really rarely drink alcohol. Perhaps 2-3 glasses of red wine once or twice a month. Now, last night I had a friend over and we watched a movie and had some wine. I got a little bit tipsy. After my friend left, my boyfriend called me (it was 2 am) and he wanted to talk. I did not feel like it, because I was tired and tipsy, but ended up having a conversation with him anyway. At some point he told me that he does not like me when I am drunk, that I become a completely different person who does not show interest in him. He feels unloved. I told him that I am under the influence, what does he expect, people are silly when they drink. He expected me to be all over him, I suppose. I thought that was ridiculous- so I ended the conversation. He told me then he felt we drift apart when ever I drink. It made me so upset, because obviously I cannot control my behavior 100% when under the influence, and he expects me to be all over him. It also felt as if he accused me of drinking too much, which is absolutely ridiculous too, as I said, I only drink a few glasses of wine once or twice a month, if at all, sometimes I go several months without drinking. But of course I will get tipsy quickly - I am not used to having alcohol. I don't know what he's expecting, it makes me angry and I don't know how to communicate with him in regard to this issue. What should I do? Stop having wine every now and then all together? Or let him throw his fit? Clearly, it is impossible for me to control my emotions and actions when I have had a few glasses to drink.
GorillaTheater Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 I'm kind of wondering if this is more about the alcohol or having a friend over, and quite rightly paying attention to her. Is he jealous or controlling of your time at times when there's no alcohol? 3
PegNosePete Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 At some point he told me that he does not like me when I am drunk I would have told him that I don't like it when he calls me up at 2am to criticize me. I don't know what he's expecting, it makes me angry and I don't know how to communicate with him in regard to this issue. What should I do? Ask him what he is expecting. Is he expecting you to quit drinking once or twice a month for him? Sounds like he's either pretty immature or a control freak. 2
GunslingerRoland Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 Clearly, it is impossible for me to control my emotions and actions when I have had a few glasses to drink. Whether it's 2 glasses of wine or 20 glasses of wine, if you can't control your emotions and actions you've clearly drank way too much. You may just have a really low tolerance for alcohol (the fact you only have a drink once or twice a month is probably part of that). 2
Emilia Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 2am call? Are you long distance and different time zones?
Gaeta Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 Next time you have an evening with a friend and you intent to have a glass of wine tell your boyfriend and tell him that it's best to avoid anything that will make him feel rejected so to not call you and wait the next day to touch base with you. If he hates it when you socialize and have a glass ONCE a month! Then he is welcome to NOT call you. 6
Author lamaga Posted March 16, 2016 Author Posted March 16, 2016 I'm kind of wondering if this is more about the alcohol or having a friend over, and quite rightly paying attention to her. Is he jealous or controlling of your time at times when there's no alcohol? He certainly was jealous at some point during the night. He also got hung up over me liking some dude's FB profile photo ... a guy who has been a friend and only a friend for over 10 years now. He said that when I drink, he feels I become too nostalgic of my past and, well, obviously there is 'no place for him in my past'.... He got also fed up over me posting a music video on my facebook wall where I tagged a bunch of people from a circle of friends who I used to hang out with when I lived in a different city. I just feel he 'sees things' in everything I do... especially when I had some glasses of wine.
Emilia Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 He is an insecure, controlling idiot. I'd get rid. 7
smackie9 Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 He is an insecure, controlling idiot. I'd get rid. I'm with Emilia on this one. He's being an immature, controlling jerk ass. Doesn't matter if you try to make him understand he is being out of line, he's just going to continue to be a jerk ass. Sorry but ......kick his ass to the curb if he continues to act like a little baby. 1
spriggan2 Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 If you know how you truly feel about him and you feel you've made it perfectly clear and that's still not enough for him to be ok with you drinking occasionally and having guy friends, then imo I don't see what else you can do. Nothing you've described in terms of your behavior was unreasonable. Do you remember what you say to him when you're tipsy? Is it mean? Or is he just disappointed that you don't send him fawning drunk messages? My ex used to like when I'd drink and text her about how much she meant to me. Half the time I was actually sober and just pretended because I knew she enjoyed it. She never did it back though, I didn't really care that much, until she actually went cold on me then I was desperate for any sign that she was still attracted. I never pressured her though. I feel like demanding affection is unreasonable, and then to accuse someone of being disconnected because they don't become attatched when drunk is pretty rotten. 1
mcjordan Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 Whether it's 2 glasses of wine or 20 glasses of wine, if you can't control your emotions and actions you've clearly drank way too much. You may just have a really low tolerance for alcohol (the fact you only have a drink once or twice a month is probably part of that). This. If 2 glasses of whine make you a bitty, then just have one. It isn't about amount; it is about self-control.
Cobra_X Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 (edited) He is an insecure, controlling idiot. I'd get rid. I'm with Emilia on this one. He's being an immature, controlling jerk ass. Doesn't matter if you try to make him understand he is being out of line, he's just going to continue to be a jerk ass. Sorry but ......kick his ass to the curb if he continues to act like a little baby. The guy is just saying how he feels. He isn't telling her to do anything different. So, technically that isn't controlling. Plus, everybody gets insecure from time to time. Give the guy a break! Your expectations for perfection are insane. Also... it's worth mentioning that if someone feels insecure in a relationship that is a two way street. Many times the other person is failing to provide enough affection! Edited March 16, 2016 by Cobra_X
ExpatInItaly Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 OP, is there a history of mistrust or insecurity in the relationship? Beyond him being uncomfortable about you liking a guy's picture or tagging people, I mean. I would venture this his discomfort with a couple glasses of wine is a manifestation of something bigger. Personally, I see nothing wrong with your behaviour or sharing the occasional bottle of wine with a friend. But I once dated a very insecure and controlling man, who didn't want me drinking in his absence at all. He wanted to dictate the number of drinks I had when I took the rare opportunity to meet a girlfriend for a drink. This was absurd as I never gave him any reason to mistrust me, never got sloppy drunk, and hardly ever drank alcohol anyway. My alcohol consumption basically consists of a couple glasses of wine or beer with girlfriends, either at home or in a quite restaurant/bar, maybe once every couple months. (The days of wild girls' nights out at the club are long past me now!) I mention this because in my case, my ex's attitude about drinking reflected larger problems in the relationship. Could that be the case here?
preraph Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 His problem is he's jealous of your friends, but he knows that's petty, so instead he's blaming the alcohol. It's a big red flag when a bf or gf gets pissed off and causes drama every time you have friends over or go somewhere with friends. It's his insecurity and you shouldn't take any crap about it. Tell him he's insecure and you're not giving up your friends OR your bi-monthly toddy for him. See, the jealous insecure ones will always try to make it your fault or your friends' fault or whatever. He's trying to control you. Don't go for it.
basil67 Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 For starters, you need better boundaries. If your boyfriend calls at 2am wanting to talk and you don't want to talk, tell him "I'm going to bed now. I will talk with you tomorrow". Who does he think he is, calling you and insisting on talking at 2am!? Pfft. Ain't nobody got time for dat! When you have better boundaries with rubbish behaviour like this, you'll be better able to manage his other expectations of you.
Emilia Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 The guy is just saying how he feels. He isn't telling her to do anything different. So, technically that isn't controlling. Plus, everybody gets insecure from time to time. Give the guy a break! Your expectations for perfection are insane. Also... it's worth mentioning that if someone feels insecure in a relationship that is a two way street. Many times the other person is failing to provide enough affection! If you feel someone isn't expressing affection, you don't tell them off for not catering to your needs at 2am but have an adult conversation about the differences in feelings or expression of feelings. People don't owe you provision of anything. If you have incompatibility, you may need to make a decision based on that. The answer is never to latch onto the person and demand that they behave in a way that suits your whims. That's controlling. Everyone has the right to be the way they want to be, you can decide if that works for you. If you feel insecure, own it. Discuss it like an adult and see what you can work out. You are responsible for your feelings, not someone else.
Author lamaga Posted March 17, 2016 Author Posted March 17, 2016 If you feel someone isn't expressing affection, you don't tell them off for not catering to your needs at 2am but have an adult conversation about the differences in feelings or expression of feelings. People don't owe you provision of anything. If you have incompatibility, you may need to make a decision based on that. The answer is never to latch onto the person and demand that they behave in a way that suits your whims. That's controlling. Everyone has the right to be the way they want to be, you can decide if that works for you. If you feel insecure, own it. Discuss it like an adult and see what you can work out. You are responsible for your feelings, not someone else. I always express my affection to him. Just because I am not all the way there at 2am after having had a few drinks, that does not mean I don't love him. But he immediately thinks I am not in it 100% anymore. It really bothers me. I don't know how to address this. He's not the jealous type, but sometimes he just has these bouts of jealous and it doesn't make any sense. I tell him how much I love him all the time and I am so sweet to him.
preraph Posted March 17, 2016 Posted March 17, 2016 For starters, you need better boundaries. If your boyfriend calls at 2am wanting to talk and you don't want to talk, tell him "I'm going to bed now. I will talk with you tomorrow". Who does he think he is, calling you and insisting on talking at 2am!? Pfft. Ain't nobody got time for dat! When you have better boundaries with rubbish behaviour like this, you'll be better able to manage his other expectations of you. ^ This all the way. It's foolish to wait until someone does something egregious before you establish a boundary. Never would have happened if you hadn't been letting him late-night call you.
PegNosePete Posted March 17, 2016 Posted March 17, 2016 He's not the jealous type, but sometimes he just has these bouts of jealous Err, sorry but that means he is "the jealous type"! Personally I would not take the kind of crap he is dishing out. I would tell him that's me and I'm not going to change, accept it or not, the choice is yours. Moaning about it is just going to kill the relationship in the long term (if it's not already). 1
elaine567 Posted March 17, 2016 Posted March 17, 2016 He is very jealous, he calls you at 2am to "have a serious talk" to make sure there is no-one else in your bed. He hates the drink as drink can make people act badly, it can result in them cheating. He hates the friends or the old friends as friends can lead you astray, they can take you to places when drunk that may lead you into temptation. He doesn't trust you. He cannot control you whilst you are drunk or with friends, so he is trying to make you give up the drink by telling you he doesn't like you when you are drunk, and by extension the friends. If you do not drink then the friends do not need to come round for wine, do they? YOU do not need to go out drinking either if you do not drink... 1
ExpatInItaly Posted March 17, 2016 Posted March 17, 2016 I always express my affection to him. Just because I am not all the way there at 2am after having had a few drinks, that does not mean I don't love him. But he immediately thinks I am not in it 100% anymore. It really bothers me. I don't know how to address this. He's not the jealous type, but sometimes he just has these bouts of jealous and it doesn't make any sense. I tell him how much I love him all the time and I am so sweet to him. Why on earth is he calling so late at night anyway? Is that a normal occurrence or does this happen only when he knows you've had a couple drinks? 1
Els Posted March 17, 2016 Posted March 17, 2016 Whether it's 2 glasses of wine or 20 glasses of wine, if you can't control your emotions and actions you've clearly drank way too much. You may just have a really low tolerance for alcohol (the fact you only have a drink once or twice a month is probably part of that). Disagreed - the extent of the 'lack of control' matters. According to what the OP mentioned, her bf's complaint was that she just sounded 'uninterested' after drinking, which really isn't the same as the type of lack of control you're talking about. People in LTRs can't sound 100% interested in their partner 100% of the time, especially when they're getting a 2am call. Expecting that is rather excessive IMO. On the other hand, if she'd done something REALLY stupid like kiss another guy or run into busy streets or throw things around - yeah, she would've drank 'way too much' and I'd agree with your suggestion. But really the vast majority of people don't get that way from 2 glasses of wine, even if you've NEVER drank before. OP's bf sounds controlling and jealous to me.
sandylee1 Posted March 17, 2016 Posted March 17, 2016 The best thing would be that he avoids you when you drunk. If the only time you *like* a guys profile is also when drunk. .. perhaps he's concerned .. but why does he monitor everything you do on FB? Next time he calls at 2am ...ignore the call.
joseb Posted March 17, 2016 Posted March 17, 2016 Why would he call you at two am?? Why would you take a call that late? My phone is on silent from 11. Was the friend male or female?
Author lamaga Posted March 17, 2016 Author Posted March 17, 2016 He is very jealous, he calls you at 2am to "have a serious talk" to make sure there is no-one else in your bed. He hates the drink as drink can make people act badly, it can result in them cheating. He hates the friends or the old friends as friends can lead you astray, they can take you to places when drunk that may lead you into temptation. He doesn't trust you. He cannot control you whilst you are drunk or with friends, so he is trying to make you give up the drink by telling you he doesn't like you when you are drunk, and by extension the friends. If you do not drink then the friends do not need to come round for wine, do they? YOU do not need to go out drinking either if you do not drink... Well he did not really want to have a serious talk, he just wanted to talk. He knew I had a friend over and I think he just was missing me cause I was not able to talk to him all evening. I don't think he has a problem with my friends. I don't have that many and I barely ever hang out with anyone but him.. we are really close, and I think he just missed me, to be honest. I don't think he is controlling... or at least, if he is, he's doing it unconsciously. Why on earth is he calling so late at night anyway? Is that a normal occurrence or does this happen only when he knows you've had a couple drinks? I think he just missed me. Disagreed - the extent of the 'lack of control' matters. According to what the OP mentioned, her bf's complaint was that she just sounded 'uninterested' after drinking, which really isn't the same as the type of lack of control you're talking about. People in LTRs can't sound 100% interested in their partner 100% of the time, especially when they're getting a 2am call. Expecting that is rather excessive IMO. On the other hand, if she'd done something REALLY stupid like kiss another guy or run into busy streets or throw things around - yeah, she would've drank 'way too much' and I'd agree with your suggestion. But really the vast majority of people don't get that way from 2 glasses of wine, even if you've NEVER drank before. OP's bf sounds controlling and jealous to me. I agree with you, Elswyth, he DOES have unrealistic expectations, he seems to always want me to be there for him 100%, sometimes I just need a break and some time for myself... and I don't do stupid things when drunk I am not 20 anymore... Why would he call you at two am?? Why would you take a call that late? My phone is on silent from 11. Was the friend male or female? Well, my friend left at 2am, and my boyfriend and me were texting somewhat throughout the evening ... I think he just wanted to say goodnight, but then the conversation sort of deviated from its original intent. The friend was female. The friend has a boyfriend. I am still confused why my boyfriend was jealous at all.
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