Author Amytm Posted March 16, 2016 Author Posted March 16, 2016 Doesn't want you to feel pressured? That right there shows he was wanting sex. And calling you "hun"? Ugh, I don't like this guy ....but hey you're the one dating him, not me. Be careful.... Why does that show he was wanting sex? So calling someone hun and beautiful to soon is bad? What if he's just inexperienced or out of the game and making mistakes? Is that possible? I mean, his oldest daughter is 9 so he was with his wife for at least 7 years.
Author Amytm Posted March 16, 2016 Author Posted March 16, 2016 (edited) Everyone here is giving great advice on starting a relationship. I'm going to play devils advocate here a little. At 26 and only have had sex with one man, are you really wanting to jump right back into a long term relationship without exploring your sexuality a little? Not saying you have to run wild, but might be a good time to discover if there are other things that you really like. If you have consenting, great sex with someone you are really into and things don't work out, chances are you'll still learn something about yourself. I do agree with the above that you should not plan to meet at his house. Go out on a real date, have fun without the kids, get to know each other, and that still leaves the option open to end up back at his place if you have a good vibe at that point. Can I not figure that out with someone? I'm really nervous to have sex with someone else, let alone a random hook up. Only 1 guy has ever seen me naked. You are right that after the date it's still open to go to his house or mine. And I do t know how I'll handle that. In the heat of the moment I might say yes and don't want to regret it. Should I be getting more experience before settling down? Is it a good thing to have? After he said "That sounds great! Don't worry about it, hun. I never want you to feel pressured. The heat of the moment got the best of me. My epic cooking will just have to wait . I can't wait to see you. Now go enjoy your babies!" He texted me a few minutes after saying "Just to clarify, there was no pressure to have sex if that's what you were worried about. I just thought you might enjoy a nice, relaxing night in without the kids. Sometimes it's nice to just relax! I'm more than happy just to kiss you . But we'll go out and have an awesome time still!" Edited March 16, 2016 by Amytm
katiegrl Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 Why does that show he was wanting sex? So calling someone hun and beautiful to soon is bad? What if he's just inexperienced or out of the game and making mistakes? Is that possible? I mean, his oldest daughter is 9 so he was with his wife for at least 7 years. No, him saying he doesn't want you to feel pressured indicates he was wanting sex. Think about it, IF he only wanted to cook you dinner, then what is there for you to feel pressured about? He meant he didn't want you to feel pressured to have sex with him....because that is what he was (is) hoping for, and why he invited you to his place, instead on taking you out on a date! And read our posts re calling you "beautiful" "hun" and other such terms of endearment before knowing you! Yes red flags....read our posts please. 4
katiegrl Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 He texted me a few minutes after saying "Just to clarify, there was no pressure to have sex if that's what you were worried about. I just thought you might enjoy a nice, relaxing night in without the kids. Sometimes it's nice to just relax! I'm more than happy just to kiss you . But we'll go out and have an awesome time still!" Oh geez, he's good. Proceed at your own risk. Sometimes we just have to learn things the hard way. We get hurt and learn from it. Good luck hope things work out. 1
introverted1 Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 Can I not figure that out with someone? I'm really nervous to have sex with someone else, let alone a random hook up. Only 1 guy has ever seen me naked. You are right that after the date it's still open to go to his house or mine. And I do t know how I'll handle that. In the heat of the moment I might say yes and don't want to regret it. Should I be getting more experience before settling down? Is it a good thing to have? After he said "That sounds great! Don't worry about it, hun. I never want you to feel pressured. The heat of the moment got the best of me. My epic cooking will just have to wait . I can't wait to see you. Now go enjoy your babies!" He texted me a few minutes after saying "Just to clarify, there was no pressure to have sex if that's what you were worried about. I just thought you might enjoy a nice, relaxing night in without the kids. Sometimes it's nice to just relax! I'm more than happy just to kiss you . But we'll go out and have an awesome time still!" OP, I get that you may not have the experience to know when a guy is pushing for sex, but it is a little baffling that you haven't figured out what you want. If you're open to casual, NSA sex - go for it. If you'd rather have sex within a committed relationship - that's fine, too. Before anyone here can give you good advice about to do or not do, you need to clarify what you want. How you approach this new guy depends very much on what outcome you hope to achieve. 1
Author Amytm Posted March 16, 2016 Author Posted March 16, 2016 No, him saying he doesn't want you to feel pressured indicates he was wanting sex. Think about it, IF he only wanted to cook you dinner, then what is there for you to feel pressured about? He meant he didn't want you to feel pressured to have sex with him....because that is what he was (is) hoping for, and why he invited you to his place, instead on taking you out on a date! And read our posts re calling you "beautiful" "hun" and other such terms of endearment before knowing you! Yes red flags....read our posts please. That makes sense. There would be nothing to feel pressured about if he didn't plan on sex. But what if he didn't plan on sex? Maybe he thinks I did, or felt pressure just to be at his house alone with him? I've read all the posts, a few times. I really appreciate the help. So a guy that calls a woman he just met beautiful, hun, babe, is always a bad guy. The post that said he's just trying to create false intimacy to make me more comfortable so I'll have sex kinda bothered me. I'll admit, it does make me feel more comfortable, or closer, or something. I want to believe what I'm thinking, that he's just a nice guy. But that doesn't seem to be the general consensus.
sunshine2 Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 Im actually feeling like you might want to do some therapy and work on self esteem and respecting yourself and having boundaries. You are very naive for a 26 yo with 4 kids. Its almost like you are a teenager when you ask some of the questions you ask. You need a tough shell to be in the dating world. And know when a man is in it for sex and when he isn't. Many heartbreaks await if you go down this road without boundaries. 8
Gaeta Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 . In the heat of the moment I might say yes and don't want to regret it. Don't shave. When I didn't want to get into anything with a date I would not shave on purpose, then I knew I would never get undressed :-) 8
Author Amytm Posted March 16, 2016 Author Posted March 16, 2016 Im actually feeling like you might want to do some therapy and work on self esteem and respecting yourself and having boundaries. You are very naive for a 26 yo with 4 kids. Its almost like you are a teenager when you ask some of the questions you ask. You need a tough shell to be in the dating world. And know when a man is in it for sex and when he isn't. Many heartbreaks await if you go down this road without boundaries. Can you elobarate on some of the questions that I'm aksing wrong? I'm sorry I'm new to this.... The last time I started dating was a teenager. I guess I never learned.... I don't want to come off that way, to anyone. OP, I get that you may not have the experience to know when a guy is pushing for sex, but it is a little baffling that you haven't figured out what you want. If you're open to casual, NSA sex - go for it. If you'd rather have sex within a committed relationship - that's fine, too. Before anyone here can give you good advice about to do or not do, you need to clarify what you want. How you approach this new guy depends very much on what outcome you hope to achieve. I don't want NSA sex. I want to have sex with him (at least my sex drive does, really badly) but I don't want to become a FB or FWB or one night stand. I want it to work out and turn into a relationship. Oh geez, he's good. Proceed at your own risk. Sometimes we just have to learn things the hard way. We get hurt and learn from it. Good luck hope things work out. So that is another player type message?
katiegrl Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 Don't shave. When I didn't want to get into anything with a date I would not shave on purpose, then I knew I would never get undressed :-) Or get extremely embarrassed when/if you did!! 1
Gaeta Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 Im actually feeling like you might want to do some therapy and work on self esteem and respecting yourself and having boundaries. You are very naive for a 26 yo with 4 kids. Its almost like you are a teenager when you ask some of the questions you ask. She is fine! We were all inexperienced at some point. I started dating at 45 after being married to my 'first one'. I had to learn at 45 what most women learn at 16 and 17. Yes I asked stupid questions. My 20 year old daughter was the one who explained to me if a man doesn't call back it's because he's not interested. She will learn. 1
Author Amytm Posted March 16, 2016 Author Posted March 16, 2016 Don't shave. When I didn't want to get into anything with a date I would not shave on purpose, then I knew I would never get undressed :-) That's a good idea. Quite clever. Too bad I shaved and maintained this morning and my date is Friday.
katiegrl Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 Can you elobarate on some of the questions that I'm aksing wrong? I'm sorry I'm new to this.... The last time I started dating was a teenager. I guess I never learned.... I don't want to come off that way, to anyone. I don't want NSA sex. I want to have sex with him (at least my sex drive does, really badly) but I don't want to become a FB or FWB or one night stand. I want it to work out and turn into a relationship. So that is another player type message? His whole vibe spells player. But go out with him....it will be good experience. And that's how we learn.
Gaeta Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 Amytm: Here's a trick. When you are unsure about a man, about a behavior, or a situation, ask yourself would that be acceptable if it were my daughter, or my mother, or my sister? If it's not good enough for women you love then it's not good enough for you.
Rumely Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 These are questions only you can answer. I just posed them. They have no right answer. Maybe you had a stellar sex life with your ex and don't really think you want more experiences. You are putting a lot of pressure on yourself about the sex. Sex means a lot to you, but sex is also lot of fun. Being that sex is a 2 person job, I do believe it takes two to really figure out what you like. You if you decide you really want to have sex with this guy, that's OK. Relax and don't come into with any preconceive idea that it means the same thing to him (maybe it does--maybe it doesn't).
Author Amytm Posted March 16, 2016 Author Posted March 16, 2016 Amytm: Here's a trick. When you are unsure about a man, about a behavior, or a situation, ask yourself would that be acceptable if it were my daughter, or my mother, or my sister? If it's not good enough for women you love then it's not good enough for you. I like that thank you. His whole vibe spells player. But go out with him....it will be good experience. And that's how we learn. And I go into it knowing he might be a player and not expect anything to come of it? Does it seem like he'll ask if I want to go back to his place or mine after the date? So, when is it okay to sleep with someone if you want a serious relationship?
CarrieT Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 So, when is it okay to sleep with someone if you want a serious relationship? When you KNOW they are committed as much as you are. This means getting to know them, being able to talk openly about their past and future, and not having secrets. Right now, you barely know this guy other than he is making you horny. That is not the basis of a relationship, but a booty call. 3
Author Amytm Posted March 16, 2016 Author Posted March 16, 2016 These are questions only you can answer. I just posed them. They have no right answer. Maybe you had a stellar sex life with your ex and don't really think you want more experiences. You are putting a lot of pressure on yourself about the sex. Sex means a lot to you, but sex is also lot of fun. Being that sex is a 2 person job, I do believe it takes two to really figure out what you like. You if you decide you really want to have sex with this guy, that's OK. Relax and don't come into with any preconceive idea that it means the same thing to him (maybe it does--maybe it doesn't). I don't think the sex with my ex was that great. I have nothing to compare it to. We had sex a lot but I never thought after that it was amazing and sometimes I'd be wondering when he'd finsih. I never orgasmed through sex. I do kind of like hearing that. I've always thought poorly of people who sleep around, and maybe that's effecting how I view this. I think it would be hard to deal with having slept with him and nothing coming of it, but I could be wrong. Maybe I wouldn't care.
Gaeta Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 I like that thank you. So, when is it okay to sleep with someone if you want a serious relationship? It's personal to each of us and how we handle sex. I personally do not associate sex and feelings. If I sleep with a man after 2-3 dates and he doesn't call back it's no big deal to me because it takes me a long time to develop feelings for a man so I am not invested at that point. If you know you get attached pretty quickly, if you know you will hurt if a man drops you after sex then do-not-sleep with a man before you know him well and before you and him are in an exclusive relationship. On average people will start talking exclusivity after 4-5 dates or 1-2 months.
Rumely Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 (edited) I do kind of like hearing that. I've always thought poorly of people who sleep around, and maybe that's effecting how I view this. I think it would be hard to deal with having slept with him and nothing coming of it, but I could be wrong. Maybe I wouldn't care. Oh you'd definitely care. And it would hurt some, but you'd get over it. (Unless it was really bad) As a woman, you haven't even hit your sexual prime yet. My feeling is, if this guy treats you well, there is no way you are going to be able to keep your hands off him. Be sure to have condoms. Men are supposed to be the sexually aggressive ones, but in my experience, women are really aggressive when they find a man they like. Edited March 16, 2016 by Rumely
Author Amytm Posted March 16, 2016 Author Posted March 16, 2016 It's personal to each of us and how we handle sex. I personally do not associate sex and feelings. If I sleep with a man after 2-3 dates and he doesn't call back it's no big deal to me because it takes me a long time to develop feelings for a man so I am not invested at that point. If you know you get attached pretty quickly, if you know you will hurt if a man drops you after sex then do-not-sleep with a man before you know him well and before you and him are in an exclusive relationship. On average people will start talking exclusivity after 4-5 dates or 1-2 months. I think I get attached very easily. Do men wait that long these days. I've read things online a lot about if there is jobsex by the 3rd date they move on. By Friday we'll already be at 2 dates this week. He works very close to where I do. He made a comment about that saying it was nice we work so close together, it'll be easy for us to make lunch plans often. I have a 2 hour lunch and he works on his own schedule.
Rumely Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 Exclusivity varies greatly. I met a lady OLD almost just like your example. Had sex on the second date. Decided the next morning we would be exclusive. Relationship lasted for about 6 months until she decided she had to move back to where she once lived. She wanted to be closer to her son, daughter and new grandson. Really just the grandson. I think it is very likely we would still be together if things had been different.
Gaeta Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 I think I get attached very easily. Do men wait that long these days. I've read things online a lot about if there is jobsex by the 3rd date they move on. By Friday we'll already be at 2 dates this week. He works very close to where I do. He made a comment about that saying it was nice we work so close together, it'll be easy for us to make lunch plans often. I have a 2 hour lunch and he works on his own schedule. You'd be surprise what a man can do to have you in his life. It's not unreasonable to wait a month before intimacy. You do your thing and you wait for a man to like you enough to respect your boundaries. If you want to wait 5 dates, or 1 month, or even 3 months or more. Don't have sex with a man in fear you'll lose him. Sex does not keep a man around.
Author Amytm Posted March 16, 2016 Author Posted March 16, 2016 Oh you'd definitely care. And it would hurt some, but you'd get over it. (Unless it was really bad) As a woman, you haven't even hit your sexual prime yet. My feeling is, if this guy treats you well, there is no way you are going to be able to keep your hands off him. Be sure to have condoms. Men are supposed to be the sexually aggressive ones, but in my experience, women are really aggressive when they find a man they like. I have that feeling, that I wouldn't be able to keep my hands off him. Today I had a hard time keeping my hands where they should be, once we sat down outside and he started saying I was beautiful, kissing, touching my legs. Earlier in the date when he pulled out my chair, opened doors and spontaneously bought flowers all helped lead up to that. My ex wasn't romantic at all. He never even bought me flowers. I've never bought condoms before. Do I just get any kind? I always assumed the guy would have them.
Rumely Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 Hard to say what he likes, but I'd advise any lady to have them on hand. If you supply them, you know they have been stored well and are fresh.
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