katiegrl Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 You're right, I don't know him so I can't actually like HIM. Oh I beg to differ. When people just meet someone and say "I really like him," what they mean is they feel chemistry with this person....are attracted to this person. I don't mean just physically attracted either, it goes deeper than that....but people can certainly feel that as early as the first date! I certainly have, I fell for my ex the first night we MET (and vice versa) and we were together six years. I am also dating a man right now who I liked pretty much immediately too. He walked me home one night (we both work in the same building and live downtown) and I felt immediate chemistry with him. We just clicked! JMO but I think that is what most, or many, people mean when they say I really "like" him (or her).... before having a chance to get to know them first. That said, I think it's best you DO get to know them (at least a little bit) before jumping into bed.
CarrieT Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 Do I tell him that Im inexperienced in dating and sex? Or just keep that quiet? I have to tell him I'm not comfortable going to his house so soon. I would keep quiet. Telling him you are inexperienced is like giving a wolf the keys to the hen house. Look the Spidey Sense is up from multiple posters on this board who are seeing this guy as a player and you as easy prey. We are seeing the possibility that you ARE going to get emotionally invested so soon because you are already on that path - and you are going to get hurt. We are trying to save you from that. Sadly, sometimes learning those hard lessons are the ones that help us grow and get more experience. I would love for this to work out well for you - I really would. But the way you are feeling and the way he is acting all point to signs of catastrophe that we who have been here for a long time and seen over-and-over-and-over. 4
katiegrl Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 Oh I beg to differ. When people just meet someone and say "I really like him," what they mean is they feel chemistry with this person....are attracted to this person. I don't mean just physically attracted either, it goes deeper than that....but people can certainly feel that as early as the first date! I certainly have, I fell for my ex the first night we MET (and vice versa) and we were together six years. I am also dating a man right now who I liked pretty much immediately too. He walked me home one night (we both work in the same building and live downtown) and I felt immediate chemistry with him. We just clicked! JMO but I think that is what most, or many, people mean when they say I really "like" him (or her).... before having a chance to get to know them first. That said, I think it's best you DO get to know them (at least a little bit) before jumping into bed. And to add^^ (can't edit).... I have been on three dates with my guy (fourth one Friday night) and he has YET to invite me to his place. I am sure he knows that by doing that.... it suggests sex will happen and so doesn't want me to think that is all he's after. He is taking me out on actual DATES - which is so nice and so refreshing! My ex and I had sex the first night we met, and our entire RL after that (six years) sex, and our sexual attraction, was the main focus. Well, not the main focus but it was a HUGE part of it. I don't want that to happen again, so I am waiting this time, until we get to know each other... and I feel fairly confident the RL is heading in the direction I want....and he wants! That takes time.
mcjordan Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 I would just say something like: I really appreciate you offering to cook for me, but at this point I'd feel more comfortable going out somewhere - my treat! You don't have to reveal your private past, and you don't have to feel pressure, AND you don't have to worry about him getting paranoid about being a wallet (which seems to be the new trendy paranoia).
Author Amytm Posted March 16, 2016 Author Posted March 16, 2016 I don't want to be "easy prey" or to be seen that way. Just a few minutes ago he sent me a text that said "I had a great time with you, beautiful. I can't wait to see you Friday and pick things up where we left off." Does pick things up were we left off mean all our conversation and fun or making out and leading to sex. Is it okay to text him back that I'm excited to see him to but would rather go out and do something? Money isn't an issue for me, I have no issue paying. He paid for coffee and everything else today.
CarrieT Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 Does pick things up were we left off mean all our conversation and fun or making out and leading to sex. Probably the latter. You started making out on a first date that probably should have been only a kiss or two at the END OF THE DATE. Is it okay to text him back that I'm excited to see him to but would rather go out and do something? Of course. Take going to his house off the table and when you do see him again, tell him that you need to slow down considerably.
katiegrl Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 Just a few minutes ago he sent me a text that said "I had a great time with you, beautiful. I can't wait to see you Friday and pick things up where we left off." Oh come on, this is such a player move! Stay away from men who call you "babe, baby, sweetheart, beautiful" or any other such terms of endearment before he knows you and before you're in a RL! You have only had one coffee date for crikey's sake -- he needs to slow down! And yes I have no doubt what he meant by "picking up where you left off" was all the heavy kissing, etc. Tell him what the previous poster suggested -- "thank you for the invite, but let's go out, my treat." If he is open to that, fabs. If not, it's NEXT. 5
sunshine2 Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 Yes, text him back and say what mcjordan said above "I really appreciate you offering to cook for me, but at this point I'd feel more comfortable going out somewhere - my treat!" Do not go to his home. You are overly attracted to him and it will end in sex and then you might not ever hear from him again. It happens ALL THE TIME!!! You are a lot like I was when I started OLD. I had no idea what a FWB or FB was, I had no idea that a man asking you to dinner on second date meant sex was on the table. I was very naive. But I was burnt once and thats all it took. I went to a guys house for dinner on the second date and yea, sex happened. I really liked this guy and felt those tingly feelings you spoke of, got attached to him after sex. He had a 3 daughters and a grandson and for some reason I thought that meant he was a nice guy. We ended up being in a FWB situation that I hated because I feel in love and he didn't want that. I am not good a casual. Since that I never ever go to a mans house that soon or have sex that soon. He needs to date you for awhile, show his interest, get to know you, and you do the same. There is no rush to have sex IF you want a relationship. If he is the right guy, he will wait and you can too. DO NOT GO TO HIS HOUSE !!! 2
clia Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 I agree that you should suggest that the two of you go out somewhere instead, but I don't think you should offer to treat. You haven't even really had a real date yet. Let him take you out. I would just say "I think I'd rather go out somewhere!" and see how he responds. You seem really naive about dating and I think it would be a bad idea for you to let him "cook you dinner" so soon. 3
katiegrl Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 Oh come on, this is such a player move! Stay away from men who call you "babe, baby, sweetheart, beautiful" or any other such terms of endearment before he knows you and before you're in a RL! You have only had one coffee date for crikey's sake -- he needs to slow down! And yes I have no doubt what he meant by "picking up where you left off" was all the heavy kissing, etc. Tell him what the previous poster suggested -- "thank you for the invite, but let's go out, my treat." If he is open to that, fabs. If not, it's NEXT. Just wanted to clarify that it's okay if a man tells you you look beautiful, or that he thinks you're beautiful. But when he starts referring to you personally as "hey beautiful, hey baby, or babe etc" .... after only ONE COFFEE DATE.... he is setting up a false intimacy, most likely so that when he sees you again, you will feel comfy cozy having sex with him. Don't fall for sweet talk! 4
Zahara Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 "I had a great time with you, beautiful. I can't wait to see you Friday and pick things up where we left off." My radar went up. Men who have started off this way always ended up being bad news. 6
Bobbi7 Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 Yes! It means sex. Anytime a man invites a woman for a movie, dinner, Netflix, party, it's code for sex.
SSJROMANCE Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 I don't want to be "easy prey" or to be seen that way. Just a few minutes ago he sent me a text that said "I had a great time with you, beautiful. I can't wait to see you Friday and pick things up where we left off." Does pick things up were we left off mean all our conversation and fun or making out and leading to sex. Is it okay to text him back that I'm excited to see him to but would rather go out and do something? Money isn't an issue for me, I have no issue paying. He paid for coffee and everything else today. My girlfriend and I broke up for a few weeks. She went to a bar and met some guy. He got her number. He told him she wasn't over me so he knew about the breakup. He called the next weekend and said I am driving to your area I want to see you. She didn't want him at her house so she said meet me out with my roommate and her boyfriend. They drank and he constantly complemented her. Made her sit on his lap, etc… Found his way to her house. She claimed she never wanted him there but she let him in. She kept telling him she wasn't over me. He kept pursuing her. She felt like he was controlling her and she felt powerless. He knew she was weak because she gave it away. He ended up getting what he wanted and more that night because she was in a situation where she couldn't control due to her emotions. Prior to me knowing her she met another guy at a bar. He suggested they go back to his house. Like a dumb dumb she agreed. This guy also turned into a aggressive beast and she was scared to say no to anything. He got his way because she was trapped and fearful for her safety. Don't get yourself in this situation. He already sounds like he wants to control you and you may have already gave him that impression. Guys can easily figure out who they can control and who they cannot - based on personality, etc… Don't say "I'm not sure it's a good idea to come to your house" because that gives him a open door to convince you it IS ok. Don't give him that opportunity. Be firm and say tell him you would rather go out for dinner at his or your favorite restaurant to get to know him better. Go bowling afterwards, something but don't drink. Be in control of your thoughts and what you know is best. One more thing. Meet him out with your own car. At the end of the night tell him you are tired and you want to go home for the evening. 2
katiegrl Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 Don't say "I'm not sure it's a good idea to come to your house" because that gives him a open door to convince you it IS ok. Don't give him that opportunity. Be firm and say tell him you would rather go out for dinner at his or your favorite restaurant to get to know him better. Go bowling afterwards, something but don't drink. Be in control of your thoughts and what you know is best. Agree, which is why I suggested earlier she simply say: "Thank you for the invite, but let's go out, my treat." It's firm and to the point. And yes I also agree, he sounds controlling.... and controlling men pick their "victims" very carefully. Vulnerable, inexperienced.... lack of confidence. DON'T be that girl. Be strong, confident. No you don't feel comfortable going to his house, let's go out. Period. 2
mcjordan Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 The statement katiegirl suggested is simple, breezy, keeps your boundary, and doesn't require you to do any mind-reading. I like it. 1
Gaeta Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 (edited) Are all/most guys like that or is he just a jerk? He is not a jerk yet. Almost all men online will try their luck. It's up to you to show him the way to your heart. If the way to your heart is not by accessing between your legs then show him. Thank him for his invitation but say you'd prefer to go out on a date. With 4 kids I am SURE you don't get to go out on dates often. You're both stuck at home with 4-5 kids and when you both get to be completely free he picks to stay home? NAH! me don't like it. I haven't told him that I've only been with 1 person. He could have figured it out, maybe. At this point it's not his business. I feel like I really like him. I had a lot of fun with him, he was nice, sweet, funny, quite attractive. He did a lot of nice gestures like getting doors, pulling our my chair, got some flowers from a street bouquet seller on our walk, walked me back to my car even though he was parked quite far away. They are ALL nice, sweet, and funny at first. This is why you need time to figure out if he is really nice or just pretending to be nice. I don't know if I could control myself at his house. I'd get really turned on and things might just happen. I also don't drink often. I breastfed all my kids and one of my 4 year olds JUST weaned. I wasn't comfortable drinking while nursing. I get drunk easily and don't know how it would affect my decisions. If there was alcohol involved. I could easily not drink, I'm very use to saying no to that. Don't go to his house. You'll end up sleeping with him and then 80% of chances he's a predator and he won't call you again or he'll jerk you around till he finds someone else. I know it's been a long time since a man gave you attention and affection but if you don't want to end up here all broken hearted please use your common sense. Edited March 16, 2016 by Gaeta 1
Summer3 Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 If you didn't read my previous post, I'm 26 and have 4 kids (7, 5 & 4 year old twins). Today I went on a lunch date with a man I met through OLD. He is 32 and has 5 kids (9, 7, 6, 4 & 2). We met for coffee at a local cafe and ended up going for a walk and talking for 2 hours. I had a lot of fun and really enjoyed my time. There was some flirting towards the end. We sat in front of the lake and ended up making out (he initiated). I had the butterfly feeling in my stomach and "down there". I've never had those feelings down there, I felt like I really wanted him to touch me there. We ended the date because I had to get back to work. He said he wanted to make plans for another date right then, not call and figure it out later. I'm only available during my lunch or Friday night when my mom has my kids for a sleepover. So we said " how about you come over to my house Friday (his ex wife has the kids every other weekend) and I'll make you a dinner you'll never forget ". That means sex right? I've only had sex with 1 man, my kids dad (who is not in the picture at all). And up until today I had only kissed 1 man. I'm really nervous to move that fast. He doesn't know I've been with only 1 person and I'm not sexually confident at all. I'm not sure I'm ready but I know people move fast these days. Tell him you'd love to come but you'll need to bring your mom and your kids. 1
kendahke Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 (edited) I think you need to cool your jets and not go to his house until such a time as either you and he are in solid agreement on what you want out of your involvement or you can trust yourself with alcohol. My advice would be don't drink around him. Your last thread lamenting about the difficulties in finding a guy who will date a woman with 4 small children should at least remind you that the last thing you need is an oopsy #5. Stay away from liquor while around him until you know his intentions. and stay out of his house for the time being. Edited March 16, 2016 by kendahke 3
Gaeta Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 I don't want to be "easy prey" or to be seen that way. Just a few minutes ago he sent me a text that said "I had a great time with you, beautiful. I can't wait to see you Friday and pick things up where we left off." *shaking head* Getting a message like that after 1 date, to me, is condescending. He's throwing sand in your eyes. He thinks you're not experienced or smart enough to see his game. A man that calls you 'beautiful' after 1 date - also calls beautiful every woman he's been on a date with. 4
TheTraveler Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 You have a night to go out where both of you don't have a litter of kids to worry about? He wants you to come over, make dinner, and to have a "night you will never forget?":laugh: Yea, we wants to lay the pipe badly. Maybe he's eager for kiddo #6. 1
Jejangles Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 Agreed with everyone else! As a general rule for online dating, I would say do not accept an in-house date until you are ready for sex. It's an unstated expectation and while you don't HAVE to have sex, there's no reason to put yourself in an at best uncomfortable situation if you decline and at worst a dangerous one. This guy really is a stranger after two dates. As someone else said, if you do have an in-house date and it leads to sex, you need to be ok if it is a one or two night thing only... A relationship is possible but not probable out of that situation. 1
Author Amytm Posted March 16, 2016 Author Posted March 16, 2016 I wish I wasn't so inexperienced. My ex was my first and only BF and we were together for 8 years. I thought that was who I'd be with forever. I hate that as a 26 year old I have to come here and ask for help because I'm too stupid to see the truth. I was sitting here thinking that he was such a nice guy, so fun and very attractive. When either all he wants is to get in my pants or he thinks I'm going to jump in bed with him or he thinks I'm dumb enough to be played (probably am). I haven't had real attention and affection from a man in 3.5 years. It was so nice having that today and having him text me things like that. My ex never (or rarely) called me beautiful. I've never had those tingly feelings before or wanted to have sex with someone I just met (or even knew for a while). Add on that he's the only man to show serious interest in me having 4 kids and its a recipe for disaster. On the date he said that he wants to find another woman to have a serious relationship with, and eventually marry. He said he loved being married but had some circumstances with his wife that ended it (and caused her to lose custody). I didn't ask what happened, none of my business at this time. He said he loves kids and can see himself having another if the circumstances were right. Also said after his divorce he had fun but realized what he really wants is something serious. You're right about not drinking around him. I'm not experienced enough (yet another thing) with alcohol and don't want an oopsie. Granted I have an IUD, but still, there are STDs to worry about I guess. That's something I've never had to worry about. I found myself googling if STDs could be passed through kissing. Can I ask.... Does he seem controlling because he's interested in me or because he's doing something? I can't see it.... I can't stop thinking about him. Every time I do I get all tingly, especially down there, and end up thinking about sex with him. I texted him and said I'd rather go out and suggested a couple things that are happening that day. He responded with "That sounds great! Don't worry about it, hun. I never want you to feel pressured. The heat of the moment got the best of me. My epic cooking will just have to wait . I can't wait to see you. Now go enjoy your babies!"
katiegrl Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 Agreed with everyone else! As a general rule for online dating, I would say do not accept an in-house date until you are ready for sex. It's an unstated expectation and while you don't HAVE to have sex, there's no reason to put yourself in an at best uncomfortable situation if you decline and at worst a dangerous one. This guy really is a stranger after two dates. As someone else said, if you do have an in-house date and it leads to sex, you need to be ok if it is a one or two night thing only... A relationship is possible but not probable out of that situation. Hell....it's a general rule for DATING....whether you meet on-line or in real life! 2
Rumely Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 Everyone here is giving great advice on starting a relationship. I'm going to play devils advocate here a little. At 26 and only have had sex with one man, are you really wanting to jump right back into a long term relationship without exploring your sexuality a little? Not saying you have to run wild, but might be a good time to discover if there are other things that you really like. If you have consenting, great sex with someone you are really into and things don't work out, chances are you'll still learn something about yourself. I do agree with the above that you should not plan to meet at his house. Go out on a real date, have fun without the kids, get to know each other, and that still leaves the option open to end up back at his place if you have a good vibe at that point. 3
katiegrl Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 I texted him and said I'd rather go out and suggested a couple things that are happening that day. He responded with "That sounds great! Don't worry about it, hun. I never want you to feel pressured. The heat of the moment got the best of me. My epic cooking will just have to wait . I can't wait to see you. Now go enjoy your babies!" Doesn't want you to feel pressured? That right there shows he was wanting sex. And calling you "hun"? Ugh, I don't like this guy ....but hey you're the one dating him, not me. Be careful.... 6
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