Nowhere else to turn and I don't want to ruin a good thing; need some objective advic

[danak13]

Hey all: I know this will be long so I hope you bear with me. I have all of these emotions and thoughts running through my head but I am too private of a person to want to share me and my SO's relationship in such detail, so I thought I would turn here for some objectivity.

 

My SO and I have been dating for exactly a year yesterday. When we met he was going through a divorce. I was wary of this but it had been so long since I liked anyone that much that I gave him a shot. He worked his butt off to get me (great communication, compliments, put in a ton of time with me, was emotionally vulnerable, etc) The divorce went through and he moved closer to me (he was in a house about an hour away initially). After everything was settled, I fell hard for him. He made me feel so secure and desired and adored.

 

Starting in Sept/Oct, my insecurities started to take hold. I was worried about his ex (not about them getting together but that he was happier with her, that I was second place, that I was a consolation prize). Some of the initial honeymoon stuff was wearing off and that made me feel like he was less attracted to me, enamored with me, etc. I admittedly got needy and it caused us to get into silly fights and some unnecessary tension. But there were some things that bothered me that were legit (I feel) He became less expressive. Still complimented me but wouldn't say much about his feelings for me unless I asked or about our future (though every time I ask he insisted he sees this as long term) Never made anymore comments about our future or me meeting his family (they are long distance) or future vacations, etc. I would find out things bothered him weeks or months later. And finally (the worst for me) is he still has not said I love you. I have said it twice so far but he has not initiated it back. Overall I just stopped feeling secure.

 

Now the good: he still spends a great deal of his free time with me. Always texts me and talks with me throughout the day. Spends a ton of time with my family and friends. Treats his apartment like it is ours. Is always appreciative of the things I do for him. Still physically affectionate. When I do feel I need to bring up a problem to him he is always supportive and engaging when we talk. While he has not said I love you he insists I mean a great deal to him and he cares for me immensely.

 

Moving on to yesterday when we had a really tough talk that prompted this post: We got into a convo about his lack of communicating his feelings. This lead into him telling me how he feels directionless. He doesn't like where we live (he only moved here for the ex-wife) and doesn't see it as home but doesn't know where he would go. Also, he doesn't see himself working where he works but doesn't know what else he wants to do. his apt lease is up in a month and he has no clue whether to renew or move on or buy. Basically said he feels like now that the dust has settled from all the divorce drama he feels stuck and doesn't know what to do next. However, through all this he said I was the only thing making it good and he has no doubts he wants to be with me. Now this was my biggest fear: that he would start to feel this way (but mainly about me) after everything had settled. And even though it isn't about me right now, I am so afraid it will be. That he will see me as someone tying him down after his marriage. Especially with him not being able to say I love you, I feel like the feelings won't be enough to make him want to work at it with me and someday soon I will be the thing that is making him feel stuck. Today he told me I am the most important thing in his life and that he just wants to be with me but it scares me so much.

 

So here I am not knowing what to do. I can't dwell on it with him. I don't want to make something he opened up to me about and turn it into something about me; I know that will scare him off from doing it in the future. I want to stand by him but I am so afraid of being hurt. Half the time my gut tells me we won't end up together and the other half of the time it tells me I am being silly and we are still new and have time to develop and he is giving me all the signs he wants to be with me. I just need some honest advice. Does it sound like I am grasping at straws when he is giving me indications that we don't have a future? Or am I just being unnecessarily insecure and need to give him time if I care as much as I say I do? If I stick it out and see where it goes, how do I still support him and protect myself from worrying or hoping too much for the future?

[d0nnivain]

His whole world up-ended & he understandably feels lost. He has told you that you are "the most important thing in his life". Your refusal to believe that is on you, not him. If you truly care about him, be supportive. Act as his sounding board while he figures out rent v buy and his employment situation. If you try to redirect his focus on you & the relationship in his time of personal crisis you are invalidating him as a person & telling him only your emotional needs matter. Let him figure things out & go with the flow. You will come out stronger as a couple

[danak13]

His whole world up-ended & he understandably feels lost. He has told you that you are "the most important thing in his life". Your refusal to believe that is on you, not him. If you truly care about him, be supportive. Act as his sounding board while he figures out rent v buy and his employment situation. If you try to redirect his focus on you & the relationship in his time of personal crisis you are invalidating him as a person & telling him only your emotional needs matter. Let him figure things out & go with the flow. You will come out stronger as a couple

 

Thank you for your reply. This is my hope as well. I know logically that what you are saying is 100%. It is just so hard to be vulnerable and not know if you will get the same back.

[introverted1]

I usually don't post once D0nnivain has because she is so spot on.

 

But...

 

You've been dating a year and he still hasn't said he loves you?

 

I think you need to find out whether he feels it but is just scared to say it, or if he just doesn't feel it. Let the answer guide your actions.

[Zahara]

I was in a relationship with man who couldn't say the words. All I got was the generic "I care about you", "you mean everything to me" and even the way he signed off on his cards, "lots of love" -- I struggled with it. He would always make excuses about being bogged down by his problems, his stress, his kids, etc. I think that was his way of distracting me from the issue I had and hoping I would just dismiss it.

 

I don't know if it was truly because of his problems, or whether he just never felt that way about me. I think it was the latter. I could never get a straight answer. Safe to say I left.

[danak13]

I was in a relationship with man who couldn't say the words. All I got was the generic "I care about you", "you mean everything to me" and even the way he signed off on his cards, "lots of love" -- I struggled with it. He would always make excuses about being bogged down by his problems, his stress, his kids, etc. I think that was his way of distracting me from the issue I had and hoping I would just dismiss it.

 

I don't know if it was truly because of his problems, or whether he just never felt that way about me. I think it was the latter. I could never get a straight answer. Safe to say I left.

 

Trust me! I have been struggling with exactly this. I know there is a very real possibility that it could just be because of his fears and past. While I agree a year is a long time, I do not think it is too long to give up given his past. But regardless of my emotions, I also am very practical and know the option exists and is very real that he may not and never will be in love with me. I have every intention (even if it hurts like hell) if he can't get there to end things by a year and a half or so at the latest. I am looking for long term and obviously need to be in love for that.

[danak13]

I usually don't post once D0nnivain has because she is so spot on.

 

But...

 

You've been dating a year and he still hasn't said he loves you?

 

I think you need to find out whether he feels it but is just scared to say it, or if he just doesn't feel it. Let the answer guide your actions.

 

I wish there was an easy way to figure this out. I have told him it is a huge fear of mine that he will never get where I am and he has told me "this is not something I need to worry about." I also know a lot of people (myself included) will say to go with your gut. However depending on the day my gut tells me different things

[Zahara]

Trust me! I have been struggling with exactly this. I know there is a very real possibility that it could just be because of his fears and past. While I agree a year is a long time, I do not think it is too long to give up given his past. But regardless of my emotions, I also am very practical and know the option exists and is very real that he may not and never will be in love with me. I have every intention (even if it hurts like hell) if he can't get there to end things by a year and a half or so at the latest. I am looking for long term and obviously need to be in love for that.

 

I ended the relationship about a year and a half into it. I did the same thing -- making and accepting excuses until I realized that I couldn't remain hostage to his "fears and past" and decided to leave. Existing in a relationship with uncertainty is draining and it erodes at your self-esteem. I hope you don't stay too long. Hopefully he gives you what you want in time.

[danak13]

I ended the relationship about a year and a half into it. I did the same thing -- making and accepting excuses until I realized that I couldn't remain hostage to his "fears and past" and decided to leave. Existing in a relationship with uncertainty is draining and it erodes at your self-esteem. I hope you don't stay too long. Hopefully he gives you what you want in time.[/QUOT

 

Thank you for saying this! It makes me feel less, for lack of a better word, crazy. Before this relationship, I was single for a long time and had plenty of time to work on myself. I was/am a very confident person. During the first six months, when he was so attentive and smitten, I was at the top of the world. Now all those old insecurities have come back and it makes me feel like I need to get a hold of myself. I KNOW it is not good for me in the long run. If things or he does not naturally change in the coming months, I know I will need to change things for myself. It just makes me sad because in a lot of ways we could have such a good future.

[Zahara]

Thank you for saying this! It makes me feel less, for lack of a better word, crazy.

 

Yes, the ambiguity is difficult to wrap around and it does cause a lot of unsettled feelings within. It's understandable that after a year, any person would have those level of expectations so don't feel like you're crazy for feeling the way you do.

[Cobra_X]

Thank you for saying this! It makes me feel less, for lack of a better word, crazy. Before this relationship, I was single for a long time and had plenty of time to work on myself. I was/am a very confident person. During the first six months, when he was so attentive and smitten, I was at the top of the world. Now all those old insecurities have come back and it makes me feel like I need to get a hold of myself. I KNOW it is not good for me in the long run. If things or he does not naturally change in the coming months, I know I will need to change things for myself. It just makes me sad because in a lot of ways we could have such a good future.

 

I think you should actually have a conversation with him where you lay out very clearly what you expect from him. Otherwise it's your fault because can't read your mind!

[xpaperxcutx]

How old are the both of you?

 

 

I would say that you need to do more inner reflections of what you want out of the relationship first before you decide to bring up this issue again with him. T

 

 

The difference between men and women is that women love to talk about their feelings; and they don't ever get bored about rehashing the same things over and over again. Men are the opposite. Once they spoke about it, they let it go and move on to other things. For you to incessantly talk about your feelings (which have let to fights as you've said) would only push him further away and prompt him to hide in his man-cave.

 

 

Do some inner reflections of what you want and try to connect the dots between his wordings and actions. If he said that you are the most important thing in his life after the divorce, why are you choose not to believe him?

 

 

If the end-goal of this relationship is marriage, you probably wouldn't see that happening anytime soon. Let him work out his issues himself, but provide him support by simply just being. Sometimes that's really all that's required of you. Just BEING.

[Gaeta]

He loves you but he's not in love with you, and after 1 year if he is not in love with you it won't happen.

 

I believe him when he says you are the most important thing in his life. You were there for him, supported him and believed in him, since his divorce. You are precious to him, but, he is not in love with you. And it won't happen.

 

I have been in his shoes. I loved a man with all of my heart, I trusted him, he was there for me day and night, he made me feel safe, he was my rock, I desired him, missed him, just like your man does to you, but I was not in-love with him.

 

I feel you need to let him go. You are his emotional crutch.