Wait on or give up, emotionally unavailable BF

March 16, 2016

I (40) have been in a relationship with my BF (45) for about 10 months now. This is my first relationship since my husband died 3.5 years ago. BF is divorced, almost 3 years ago, I am his second longer relationship since the divorce.

We both have children at home, and he has always been up front about kids coming first, which is something I guess I agree with for the most part.

He was basically forced into the divorce by a cheating wife. So he has considerable emotional baggage from that. Recently for me it has felt like I have opened up a lot emotionally, but feel little of the same from him. He never expresses feelings for me, I'm beginning to fear he may never.

He says he likes being with me, but he has said more than once he is not sure what love is, and he wants to make sure of things before he ever gets married again, wants to make sure it's not just infatuation. At 10 months, infatuation is long past for me and I can definitely say I love him, but I feel the need to be guarded. At about 5 months, I did say "I love you" and he didn't reciprocate, went on with his, I like being with you, but not sure conversation that we have had more than once.

Will he ever get past his fear of opening up? Maybe he just doesn't even want to.

One other thing I know is that he is on an antidepressant that I have been on in the past myself and I know when I was on it, I was a total zombie and emotions were zero for me. So maybe that's a part of it too. I wonder if I should bring that up to him?

He has told me he is on an antidepressant (no big deal to me as I am too), but he never told me which one. I found out which one when I went with him to a doctor appt. and saw it on the doctor's computer screen, not snooping.

Ugh, I just don't know. I enjoy being in the relationship, spending time with him, having someone to talk to every day and share things with, and of course the intimacy as well. It's not easy to find someone at my age with 4 young kids still at home. But I don't want to wait forever for something he might never be able to give. Thoughts or advice? Thank you!

March 16, 2016

Has he said ILY too in return yet?

March 16, 2016

Has he said ILY too in return yet?

No, he has not yet. And I haven't said it again since then, cuz of course, it doesn't feel too nice to say it and not hear it back. I'm getting emotionally tired not being able to say how I feel.

March 16, 2016

Trust is earned. Even though it's been 10 months, you can't expect too much trust because his experience is that the woman who stood in front of everybody he knew & loved & promised 'til death do us part, cheated on him. Intellectually he knows you are not her but trust is still not easy for him.

If you are miserable walk. But if you have a bit more patience in you, continue working to earn his trust.

March 16, 2016

I (40) have been in a relationship with my BF (45) for about 10 months now. This is my first relationship since my husband died 3.5 years ago. BF is divorced, almost 3 years ago, I am his second longer relationship since the divorce.

We both have children at home, and he has always been up front about kids coming first, which is something I guess I agree with for the most part.

He was basically forced into the divorce by a cheating wife. So he has considerable emotional baggage from that. Recently for me it has felt like I have opened up a lot emotionally, but feel little of the same from him. He never expresses feelings for me, I'm beginning to fear he may never.

He says he likes being with me, but he has said more than once he is not sure what love is, and he wants to make sure of things before he ever gets married again, wants to make sure it's not just infatuation. At 10 months, infatuation is long past for me and I can definitely say I love him, but I feel the need to be guarded. At about 5 months, I did say "I love you" and he didn't reciprocate, went on with his, I like being with you, but not sure conversation that we have had more than once.

Will he ever get past his fear of opening up? Maybe he just doesn't even want to.

One other thing I know is that he is on an antidepressant that I have been on in the past myself and I know when I was on it, I was a total zombie and emotions were zero for me. So maybe that's a part of it too. I wonder if I should bring that up to him?

He has told me he is on an antidepressant (no big deal to me as I am too), but he never told me which one. I found out which one when I went with him to a doctor appt. and saw it on the doctor's computer screen, not snooping.

Ugh, I just don't know. I enjoy being in the relationship, spending time with him, having someone to talk to every day and share things with, and of course the intimacy as well. It's not easy to find someone at my age with 4 young kids still at home. But I don't want to wait forever for something he might never be able to give. Thoughts or advice? Thank you!

Up a post or two you said this: I'm getting emotionally tired not being able to say how I feel -- It's been 10 months with this guy. Imagine how you will feel later . . .

He never expresses feelings for me -- I like being with you, but not sure -- This is all he's "got" in terms of expressing his feelings. we have had more than once

This will catch up to you big time. You are settling whether or not you're grasping that concept right now. The relationship you have today with him, will be the relationship you have later.

It is better to be alone and lonely than to be in a relationship and feeling lonely.

March 16, 2016

I agree with Red. My last relationship was with a guy who said similar things. It did feel quite lonely, and at the year mark he broke up with me anyway, because I think he was beginning to understand the true depth of my feelings and knew he'd never feel the same way.

How long are you willing to be in limbo?

March 16, 2016

Thank you for the replies. I am afraid of being alone and part of me thinks that this is better than nothing. I've had in my mind for a while that at a year if he can't/doesn't have any progress emotionally that I'll have to break it off. I guess that's what I'll keep as my plan, scary because it's only two months away.

March 16, 2016

Thank you for the replies. I am afraid of being alone and part of me thinks that this is better than nothing. I've had in my mind for a while that at a year if he can't/doesn't have any progress emotionally that I'll have to break it off. I guess that's what I'll keep as my plan, scary because it's only two months away.

In my experience, I am much happier being on my own than with someone who can't connect.

March 16, 2016

Thank you for the replies. I am afraid of being alone and part of me thinks that this is better than nothing. I've had in my mind for a while that at a year if he can't/doesn't have any progress emotionally that I'll have to break it off. I guess that's what I'll keep as my plan, scary because it's only two months away.

Yes, if you just can't break it off now, at least set a mental and emotional time limit for yourself and stick to it. During these next two months, however, you should be in observation mode while at the same time preparing yourself for moving on. Changing your mindset by continuing to observe how you are feeling during this period. Don't be watching for changes in him or focusing on little things he may do. Think about the bigger picture. How is he making you FEEL. Keep a diary/journal starting today. Sometimes a calendar is good -- make a note each day about how you felt with him, what you/he did that day. This is useful getting toward the end of these two months to be able to look back at how often you weren't happy with him. It helps to see it spelled out sometimes when you get to the break up.

Of course, and it's very unlikely, it may turn out that you've been happier these last two months. Maybe he actually does step it up. But don't count on or expect that to happen.

And, if you're still not happy by then, don't keep stringing yourself along. Women will do this sometimes, as you have been already somewhat. You've set a time limit now, stick to it. Don't hedge anymore.

March 16, 2016

I really like your idea of keeping a journal. I'm definitely going to do that to help me see the bigger picture. I tend to hyper-focus on one thing to the expense of everything else. I think putting down my thoughts and feelings daily will help.

March 16, 2016

I really like your idea of keeping a journal. I'm definitely going to do that to help me see the bigger picture. I tend to hyper-focus on one thing to the expense of everything else. I think putting down my thoughts and feelings daily will help.

Exactly I tend to hyper-focus on one thing to the expense of everything else -- This is the reason you're stuck now . . . this is how women string themselves along -- they focus on little things that they think show that the guy really likes them while pushing aside the fact that things haven't been feeling quite right.

March 16, 2016

Thank you for the replies. I am afraid of being alone and part of me thinks that this is better than nothing.

That is your problem, not his. Until you have a healthy fulfilling relationship with yourself and are not afraid to be alone, you will have a very difficult time having a good relationship with somebody else.

March 16, 2016

He is emotionally unavailable that usually means the beginning of the end in a relationship. He can't say ILY back and he's still not ready to commit to you at all.

As painful as it is to do, think about ending it with him. If you stay you'll be hurting yourself more because he isn't moving in either direction and doesn't seem to be falling in love with you.

March 16, 2016

Thank you for the replies. I am afraid of being alone and part of me thinks that this is better than nothing. I've had in my mind for a while that at a year if he can't/doesn't have any progress emotionally that I'll have to break it off. I guess that's what I'll keep as my plan, scary because it's only two months away.

A few more months isn't going to change how he feels.

You're settling with a guy who isn't as into you as you are into him, all because you'd rather have companionship and be with someone rather than be on your own. You wouldn't be alone, you have family and friends - You'd just be single, and that's not the end of the world.

Being on your own will make you more independent and self sufficient, learning how to be okay and content without having to rely on someone else to make you feel good and happy is a positive thing. Don't let fear take over and make you stay out of fears of living on your own. You can get a roommate though!

March 16, 2016

That is your problem, not his. Until you have a healthy fulfilling relationship with yourself and are not afraid to be alone, you will have a very difficult time having a good relationship with somebody else.

But see I am fine being alone, as far as not in a relationship. I consider myself pretty strong in that aspect. I guess I have basically been alone the last 4 years, relationship-wise. My husband was dying of cancer for a year and then I took nearly three years just to raise my kids and get myself back together. I am doing really well now, lost a ton of weight, financially secure, and feel ready to be in a good relationship.

When I say I'm afraid of being alone, it's just that fear of not being able to find someone else who will accept me, 4 kids and all. I live in a small town with little social life, no dating opportunities, so finding someone isn't easy.

March 16, 2016

I was in a similar situation. I drew a line in the sand at the 12th month mark. He finally said ILY at 11 months. I was patient because I took cues by his actions. If he can't verbally expess his feelings maybe you can see them.

I do remember going crazy looking for clues...so I totally get what your saying.

If you can wait then wait.

Older men (mine is in his 50's) don't normally rush to say ILY. Too much baggage and my bf already warned me that he takes quite awhile to fall in love.

March 16, 2016

I was in a similar situation. I drew a line in the sand at the 12th month mark. He finally said ILY at 11 months. I was patient because I took cues by his actions. If he can't verbally expess his feelings maybe you can see them.

I do remember going crazy looking for clues...so I totally get what your saying.

If you can wait then wait.

Older men (mine is in his 50's) don't normally rush to say ILY. Too much baggage and my bf already warned me that he takes quite awhile to fall in love.

Thank you getsmartie. It's nice to hear from someone who went through a similar situation. I have hope, but still cautiously guarding my heart.

It won't be the end of the world if it doesn't work out I know. Someone will come along again. It's just hard being in the moment. And my youngest daughter (4) who never knew her father, really loves him

March 16, 2016

Maybe women expect too much from older guys.....???*shrug*

Its been my experience that even a 70 year old woman wants the same type of relationship(rainbows and unicorns), that a 16 year old girl does...They want to be "swept off their feet", "wined and dined" ...the whole 9....and thats fine...

"ILY" is really only 3 words...I love the hell out of my dog and my pickup truck...Sure, for some(hopefully) it has strong meaning, but I don't recall anyone placing a hand on a Bible when they said it, and I wouldn't put a bunch of stock in it anyway(again, not for everyone)...A lot of guys use that as an easy way to get laid...I know its crude, but it happens all the time..

Guys as they get older seem to be more jaded....Less idealistic...Maybe they'd like a partner or mate, just aren't quite as giddy over it, especially if their sex drive isn't so strong...

Keeping a journal seems nutty to me....Either it is or it isn't...Shouldnt be that hard, I would think?

At the end of the day, as a woman, you deserve what you want and shouldn't settle.....Just don't be surprised if its as hard to find as a unicorn...

(Just my .02 by observing whats going on...)

Hope everything works out..Trying hard not to be the wet blanket here..

TFY

Edited March 16, 2016 by thefooloftheyear

March 17, 2016

At about 5 months, I did say "I love you" and he didn't reciprocate, went on with his, I like being with you, but not sure conversation that we have had more than once.

I don't want to wait forever for something he might never be able to give. Thoughts or advice? Thank you!

Contrary to what most others are saying, I wouldn't wait around much longer. I suspect that he is substantially unavailable. Yea, maybe it's due to having been cheated on, etc., etc. But if he's not feeling it at 10 months do you really think it's going to hit him like a lightening bolt at 12 or 18 months? Nah, not likely.

The fact is, he can't allow himself to feel vulnerable. You can't fix that. You've got yourself a man that likes having companionship, sex, and a loose connection. He's comfortable having you at arm's length but not letting you into his hoola hoop.

How to deal with it is your decision, of course. I just don't think you're ever going to turn this guy into an effusive lover who makes you feel cherished and desired.

Edited March 17, 2016 by salparadise

March 17, 2016

Every situation is different so you have to decide for yourself what's best for you. I just knew that my bf was falling and his actions spoke volumes.

For those that have said what's the big deal with just saying those words I totally disagree. I don't just spit out ILY's unless I really mean it and I knew.my bf was the same.

Have you asked him if his feelings are growing?

March 17, 2016

Every situation is different so you have to decide for yourself what's best for you. I just knew that my bf was falling and his actions spoke volumes.

For those that have said what's the big deal with just saying those words I totally disagree. I don't just spit out ILY's unless I really mean it and I knew.my bf was the same.

Have you asked him if his feelings are growing?

Perhaps older guys take longer to say ILY because they aren't as horny and don't need a mother to their kids....???

Think about it....

TFY

March 17, 2016

Perhaps older guys take longer to say ILY because they aren't as horny and don't need a mother to their kids....???

Think about it....

TFY

Perhaps too many people say it during the infatuation stage. Think about how many people tell their gf's or bf's that they love them within a few months and then months later they aren't feeling it any longer. Was that truly love? Read the boards there are tons of stories like that.

Maybe people who wait are just making sure.

March 19, 2016

yeah, if he doesn't know by now its not there. As a guy whos pretty conservative with the ILY's I'm throwing that **** out if I feel it. My actions are also another obvious indicator.

I'd say he's comfortable, happy and content...but not in love. Just my opinion.

Also you start pressing him on it, I bet hes gone in a few months...again just MO.

March 19, 2016

My actions are also another obvious indicator.

I'd say he's comfortable, happy and content...but not in love. Just my opinion.
Also you start pressing him on it, I bet hes gone in a few months...again just MO.

That's funny that you say that. Last night I got a "you make me happy" so that's either a step forward from "I like being with you", or just a confirmation of the fact that he's content, but not in love. I do plainly see his fear of rejection in the things he does say or doesn't say. He likes being with me, but I can also see a part of him just waiting for me to get tired of him, hmm. The last GF dumped him around the 10 month mark because she got "tired of him and no longer had time for him", maybe the same deal as me, tired of waiting for the emotional connection? IDK, my 4 yo dd told him she loved him last night, at least he said it back to her.

He had to leave quickly last night on an emergency work call, so no chance to really discuss things further.

Still sticking with the one year plan for now. We'll see I guess.

Thanks everyone for the replies, I really appreciate all the different viewpoints on the situation.

March 19, 2016

Everyones situation is a little different. I have really been in love with only a few women...very few so I was never compelled to really say it but often did out of guilt. I always felt, if there was a connection, you have to give it some time to make sure its more than sex and to see how you work together beyond the honeymoon phase.

I am great at finding partners and non partners but not so good at finding the love of my life.

Women that I have been with tend to use the ILY more often and want to jump head on into a relationship. They tend to want more of a commitment.

I hope things work out. I don't think its unreasonable to talk openly and honestly about how you are both feeling and what you both are looking for.

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Wait on or give up, emotionally unavailable BF

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