Separated.. devastated.. alone..

[AloneAgain34]

Hi,

 

It is my first time posting.

 

I’m going through a really hard time.

 

My husband of four years and I recently separated. We don’t have any children, but I am 34 and we had discussed this in the near future.

 

As some background, we have both focussed intensively on our careers over the past four years... which has been important for us both, and we have always been naturally independent people. But over the past couple of years his interaction toward me has slowly but steadily changed.

 

A few weeks ago, I asked him to leave to think about his behaviour as he hasn’t been treating me well… lying, not caring about my welfare or my safety, not supporting me or showing interest in my work or life… and more. I just couldn’t trust him, and so knew things had to change if were to have a future together like I had hoped. He took his belongings and moved back to his mum’s place for a while. I thought it would be a chance for him to realise that our relationship needed to be different… that he needed to contribute to a loving, supportive, trusting partnership…

 

It turns out after three weeks, he SMSes me to say he’s decided our relationship “has run its course”. He doesn’t see me as a wife anymore and he doesn’t believe in a future together. In fact, he adds he hasn’t really been invested in the relationship for a long time, and “we’re just friends”. When asked about his wedding vows, he simply said “I meant them at the time but things change”?! He even said he just saw our relationship as "nice memories", and couldn't move forward.

 

After lots of SMS back and forth, with me trying to convince him otherwise, and suggesting we trying counselling (which we haven’t done), he said he had no interest in a relationship with me. Our 7 year-relationship (and 4-year marriage) ended via SMS.

 

That was 20 days ago. Nearly 3 weeks of no contact. I am devastated. I’m not sure if there is someone else. There might be. There has been no contact since and it is killing me. I desperately want to tell him this is the wrong decision… that there’s no reason we can’t work things out. I don’t understand how he can be happy walking out on our marriage; there were some problems, but nothing major. I was a loving, supportive wife who simply wanted those elements returned. Now I’m alone. I have a wonderful career, but I'm left with this massive hole in my life. And there's nothing to fill it.

 

Each minute that goes by I keep hoping my phone will light up with a message from him, saying he realises he’s been stupid and how do we rebuild our relationship? But a part of me just knows it won’t happen, and it’s soul destroying.

 

I don’t feel I deserved this. My wedding day was the most beautiful day of my life. I loved him with my entire soul and still love him. I don’t understand how he’s okay with walking away from me. Perhaps I never will.

 

I keep thinking that if I message him, maybe he’ll reconsider… is that pathetic? Weak? I just feel a mess.

 

I keep beating myself up over what I could have done differently, what I should have/shouldn’t have said, what I should have/shouldn’t have done… I’m good at blaming myself.

 

Should I maintain this no contact? Might it make any difference to what happens next….

 

I’m just so sad. I've only told my mum as can't even face telling anyone else. I never thought our relationship would come to this, but I just have this sinking feeling it's gone forever.

 

Thank you for listening.

 

[Miss Clavel]

acceptance is the key to all our problems.

 

that said, it's not about you or your feelings anymore, it's all about him.

 

i know it hurts, trust me, but now is the time for you to show your pride.

 

let him go, then move on.

 

take off your ring. ask him for the ring you gave him, tell him you want it back. those rings are the symbol or your promises and as he no longer wishes to keep to them, take the ring back.

 

i would not rush to tell anyone since it won't change anything.

 

i would speak to him as little as possible but i would speak to a lawyer.

 

the best way to overcome pain and depression is to keep moving, forward.

 

good luck.

[Mumbles]

Right, well, straight up, I'm a guy, so anything I say is going to be guy centric. I'm also divorced, quite a number of years ago now, but I went down the rabbit hole of depression and back out the other side with a new perspective ... I'm married again now for the second time.

 

.. Disclaimer out of the way ..

 

You say he really wasn't treating you well, and of course only you can know the truth of this - but later in your post you describe these things as being relatively small or at least not major.

 

If he was genuinely treating you badly, I'd have thought you'd now be pretty happy, or at least able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

If however, you were trying to punish him severely for misdemeanours ala this comment:

 

"A few weeks ago, I asked him to leave to think about his behaviour"

 

I mean wow! If someone said that to me I'd be out the door and never look back.

 

I don't mean to be harsh, not at all, I suspect that there is a huge amount being left unsaid here - and truth be told its difficult in a forum like LS to push out a fully fleshed story and still keep peoples interest.

 

Still, I can't help but ponder, what was going on that was bad enough to kick the guy out, yet not bad enough that you'd be glad he was gone?

[Mr. Lucky]

few weeks ago, I asked him to leave to think about his behaviour as he hasn’t been treating me well… lying, not caring about my welfare or my safety, not supporting me or showing interest in my work or life… and more. I just couldn’t trust him, and so knew things had to change if were to have a future together like I had hoped.

 

Truthfully, separation rarely improves a relationships - it's really a trial divorce.

 

That he walked away so casually - via text - certainly indicates his lack of investment in the marriage. Are you sure you're not just attached to the memories as opposed to the person he's shown himself to be?

 

Mr. Lucky

[KBarletta]

Should I maintain this no contact? Might it make any difference to what happens next….

 

I’m just so sad. I've only told my mum as can't even face telling anyone else. I never thought our relationship would come to this, but I just have this sinking feeling it's gone forever.

 

 

The short answer is: Yes. Maintain NC, contact a lawyer, explore your options and do your best to heal and start the process of moving on.

 

The long answer is this:

 

That probably isn't what you want to hear right now, but as someone who is a year and a half in to a separation (which uncovered cheating on her part and led to a divorce that was final a month ago), I would tell you that NC, moving on and healing yourself and making a new life is the only good option you have that is going to leave your dignity intact.

 

You could try to talk him out of leaving, but in most cases that course of action only serves to push wayward spouses further away. There may be someone else, or there may not be, but regardless, he has decided to leave and there isn't much you can do to change his mind. Pleading with him or trying to convince him is unlikely to work and more likely to do the opposite.

 

You have no kids, so you can go total No Contact, starting today. That would be my advice. The only words from him that would make me break NC at this point would be: "I made a huge mistake, I want you back and I will do anything to regain your trust." or something similar to that. No breadcrumbs, no "let's have coffee and chat" no late night texts about loneliness or anyone begging anyone else for anything. Just No Contact. Period.

 

Then, I would advise you to start working on you. See a counselor, talk to your friends and family, start a journal, mediate, eat healthy, get a good amount of sleep, work out, explore hobbies you have always wanted to try. Stay busy. Travel.

 

I know it's hard - believe me, I am speaking as someone who is still, at least a little bit, in love with my wife even a year and a half after she cheated and left - but it is, like I said, the only good option you have.

 

 

Welcome to LS! Keep posting here - it will help, believe me!

 

KTB

[AloneAgain34]

Dear All,

 

Thank you for the responses... it actually makes a difference knowing others are out there and care, and have (unfortunately) experienced something similar.

 

I will be the first from my friendship group with a 'failed marriage'.. literally everyone else is having children, and I'm needing to rebuilding my life alone. My work isn't conducive to meeting new people and I'm having to prepare mentally for a life alone, which is difficult...

 

In response to "Mumbles" question about why I asked him to leave... Was I too harsh? I hope not... Here's some more context...

 

He has been treating me like a 'roomie' for about a year. As an example, I went to a work function with him last year and I had several people tell me that they didn't even know he had a wife?! Thought he was single?! That was an alarm bell, which he brushed over, and said "noone talks about their personal lives at work." He also never wears his wedding ring, which I accepted because it's not practical for his work. He kept his mobile phone attached to his person... even when going to the shower he's take it in the bathroom and lock the door. If I picked it up he would literally wrestle me to get it back. He said there were messages from his male friends that he didn't want me to see; I wanted to believe that but in my heart I don't. I never got to look at his phone. He would delete his entire browsing history on his computer, every single time he used it... he said it cluttered the memory.

 

I found out last year he'd been lying about where he was going during the day; he's a doctor, so does shift work, and would tell me he's going to work but really go shopping or spend time with his brother. This came out of Christmas family lunch. He would lie about so many little things, that it made me wonder what else he lied about? We have a beautiful little dog who's been sick, and I've been upset and worried about her, and yes probably too mothering. He would never take her to the vet with me, and criticise me for worrying about her, telling me "she's just a dog." When I'm sick (and he's a medical doctor!) he has had no genuine care or concern for me.. the list could go on.

 

That's what I meant by "wasn't treating me well". I know for he fact he thinks he's been "good to me"... he told me "I don't hit you, I don't get drunk, I don't gamble"... "I'm a nice guy."

 

But I felt unloved, uncared for and genuinely being used for my home. I was the one that brought our house into the relationship... he literally bought nothing except himself. That's why I asked him to leave and go think about his behaviour. I felt used and unappreciated.

 

 

As Mr Lucky says... I'm wondering whether I miss the memories, and the dreams of what I thought our marriage was, rather than the actual person. Is that possible?

 

I'm dreading telling everyone, especially at work. I just think I'm going to look like the biggest failure

 

I have maintained the NC for 21 days now... not a single message/text/email. Nothing. It's taken all my willpower. I was hoping we'd have a chance by getting some counselling together to work through why he was treating me that way. But he's just checked out. I guess he really checked out emotionally some time ago...

[Mumbles]

In response to "Mumbles" question about why I asked him to leave... Was I too harsh? I hope not... Here's some more context...

 

Right. Context makes a huge difference, at least to my interpretation.

 

I agree with the poster above who said that separation rarely brings couples closer together. In my case, my wife and I 'separated' under the same roof for about 6 months, different lives, different bedrooms, etc, etc. There was a lot of pain and therefore a lot of argument at this time, but we still overall treated each other decently.

 

When it finally came time to actually and for real separate and for me to move out of the house (my choice entirely, I didn't want to live in the location we previously had shared) that was it - there wasn't going to be a turning back after that.

 

Having said that though, major huge massive warning bells about husband not letting you see his phone and being paranoid about covering his tracks. Together with you getting the cold shoulder this sounds 99.9% sure that theres been some monkey business going on - not what you want to hear and I'm sorry to even mention it - but where there is this much smoke ....

 

 

That's what I meant by "wasn't treating me well". I know for he fact he thinks he's been "good to me"... he told me "I don't hit you, I don't get drunk, I don't gamble"... "I'm a nice guy."

 

Geez, this is old school. From my grandfathers grandfathers time. A good husband is one that doesn't beat you (too much!).

 

 

But I felt unloved, uncared for and genuinely being used for my home. I was the one that brought our house into the relationship... he literally bought nothing except himself. That's why I asked him to leave and go think about his behaviour. I felt used and unappreciated.

 

Yep, fair enough. Despite me having considerable sympathy for your position, I'm still of the opinion that asking him to move out was the killer blow. But for sure, given the story so far, he was already checked out.

 

 

As Mr Lucky says... I'm wondering whether I miss the memories, and the dreams of what I thought our marriage was, rather than the actual person. Is that possible?

 

Yes, I know I did.

 

 

I'm dreading telling everyone, especially at work. I just think I'm going to look like the biggest failure

 

I dreaded telling my family the most. But I basically kept everyone at arms length over it right through the separation and almost up until the divorce was final. Not easy to do, but eventually something smelled fishy to friends and family as we were simply no longer ever together for functions or holidays or whatever ... the truth had to come out.

 

I'm still glad I delayed it though as I was pretty raw in the beginning. Time numbs you a bit and you start to recover. I then let everyone know, which reopened the wound a bit, but was manageable.

 

I have maintained the NC for 21 days now... not a single message/text/email. Nothing. It's taken all my willpower. I was hoping we'd have a chance by getting some counselling together to work through why he was treating me that way. But he's just checked out. I guess he really checked out emotionally some time ago...

 

Something is up. Yes, I agree with you, completely checked out. But why hasn't he at least been sniffing around for reconciliatory sex?

 

Still no point pursuing that now. I know lots of people at this point try to find out about their ex's lovers but it serves no purpose. You might get an 'aha' moment, but they simply don't care. Move on and be thankful that you don't have any children and can make a clean start.

[AloneAgain34]

After Mumbles reply, I felt terrible... like it was all my fault that I had asked him to leave and so I was the cause of the mess...

 

So, after 21 days of NC and feeling guilty, I contacted him, and he basically reiterated how leaving had made it clear to him that he doesn't love me anymore than as a friend and how he will never see me as anything more than a friend.

 

I feel back to square one now. Rejected. At fault. Hurt. Alone.

 

That pit in my stomach has reopened and engulfed my being.

 

Even breathing hurts.

 

I'm at work and feel like my world has just caved in all over again.

 

So it's all my fault then.. I asked him to leave so now I should just live with the consequences?

 

Maybe I shouldn't have posted on here.. I'm so upset.

[oldshirt]

I am sorry to hear this is happening to you. You have actually come to the right place and it's ok to tell your story here. People here have been through this and much worse and all are willing to lend an ear, offer a shoulder to cry on and offer whatever words of wisdom, advice and comfort that we can (keeping in mind of course we are just regular people that have been through our own storms and no one is a professional counselor or therapist etc)

[oldshirt]

But now then on to business.

 

 

I don't have any advice to offer on your marriage or relationship. IMHO that ship has sailed and he has told you how it is. As painful as that may be, it is actually a blessing because you find stories here of spouses who manipulated and BS'd their partners for years and years while they were planning their getaway. You know where you stand and while it is obviously very painful, you know what you need to do to move on with your own life.

 

 

My advice here is to believe him and take him at his word and get an attorney and start planning your divorce and your own future without him.

 

 

Get an attorney now and do what your attorney says.

 

 

You are entitled to a wide variety of marital assets and properties. Work with your attorney to be assured of receiving that which you are legally entitled. Don't settle for less. Your STBX walked away so he needs to be held to his obligations. He can be a free single man again, but he is obligated to not keep you from your fair share of the marital entitlements.

[oldshirt]

Just out of my own curiosity, did you work and support him through under grad and medical school and provide a certain percentage of the house hold income during his residency?

 

 

If so there are certain jurisdictions that are really cracking down on professionals who's spouse supported them through school and then walk away after becoming licensed. There are some jurisdictions that consider the professional license marital property and the supporting spouse is entitled to a portion of the past and future earnings of that licensure.

 

 

I am in the health care field myself and have seen this happen quite a bit and I have virtually no sympathy for professionals that live off the earnings and labor of their supporting spouse while in school and then walk away from that spouse once they are licensed.

 

 

It actually happens a lot and there are a lot of courts that have had enough of that and going after the people that do that.

[oldshirt]

and in case you are wondering, yes there is another woman or women involved. No question of that.

 

 

The bad news here is that this has coming on for a number of years and he has only now cut the cord.

 

 

Now matter what he says or does now, you absolutely have to take affirmative action and get an attorney immediately and start planning your future and protecting your assets and entitlements.

[oldshirt]

If this is any consulation to you, you asking him to leave did not cause this at all.

 

 

He has probably been planning his departure for years. This has been in the works for quite some time.

 

 

This is on him. There really wasn't anything you did that triggered it or caused it. You were simply reading the writing on the wall and deep down you knew that he was checked out and that your marriage ......as in a real marriage, was already over.

 

 

All these last few weeks have done is removed whatever fantasy doubt you had that you were holding on to.

 

 

You really weren't blindsided here, you've seen this coming for awhile.

 

 

It's happened now so now is the time to get busy and get started working on your future.

[oldshirt]

I don't mean to sound so cold and my heart is actually aching for you.

 

 

But I don't want you to waste any precious time, energy or money mourning for the past or mourning for what you thought could have been.

 

 

I want to you focus on picking up the pieces and moving forward and building a good life for yourself in the future.

 

 

That means getting an attorney now and following that attorney's direction and counsel.

 

 

The sooner you do that and the closer you follow his/her counsel, the sooner this will be behind you and the sooner you will be living a good life in the future.

 

 

Others here will wipe away your tears and hold you while you cry. I am more like that gruff old uncle that waits until you are done crying after you fall off your bike that tells you how to get back on the bike and keep going even though your knee still hurts.

 

 

Don't confuse my matter-of-factness with lack of caring or empathy. I care about you. It's just that I care about your future which is something we have control over. I do not care about your past which is something we do not.

[Mr. Lucky]

So it's all my fault then.. I asked him to leave so now I should just live with the consequences?

 

Maybe I shouldn't have posted on here.. I'm so upset.

 

You're revising history here, you can't separate from someone who's already left. I understand his body was still around but his mind, heart and spirit were obviously elsewhere. You didn't cause this, you can't control his actions and (on your own) you can't cure the relationship. You'll have to accept and move on...

 

Mr. Lucky

[oldshirt]

You're revising history here, you can't separate from someone who's already left. I understand his body was still around but his mind, heart and spirit were obviously elsewhere. You didn't cause this, you can't control his actions and (on your own) you can't cure the relationship. You'll have to accept and move on...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

 

I agree. Mr Lucky just said it better than I did.

 

 

He checked out a long time ago. You asking him to leave did not cause this. It was the right thing to do IMHO.

 

 

Now each of you can end the charade and move on with real life.

[sandylee1]

I'll be honest here .... you asking him to leave the marital home like that was wrong. Why didn't you discuss what the problems where on both sides..before sending him away like a naughty child.

 

If my husband did that to me .. well I wouldn't leave our home ... but the message you sent is that it was ALL his fault. That equals disrespect and after analysing the whole relationship .... I could see myself doing what your husband did.

 

Grown up people discuss problems... you sent him away hoping he'd come back begging and it backfired.

 

It's as though you were saying ... go and think how bad you've been to me .... NO. You didn't treat him like an equal ... and that could be the straw that broke the camel's back for him.

 

It's over. ...

[oldshirt]

I'll be honest here .... you asking him to leave the marital home like that was wrong. Why didn't you discuss what the problems where on both sides..before sending him away like a naughty child.

 

If my husband did that to me .. well I wouldn't leave our home ... but the message you sent is that it was ALL his fault. That equals disrespect and after analysing the whole relationship .... I could see myself doing what your husband did.

 

Grown up people discuss problems... you sent him away hoping he'd come back begging and it backfired.

 

It's as though you were saying ... go and think how bad you've been to me .... NO. You didn't treat him like an equal ... and that could be the straw that broke the camel's back for him.

 

It's over. ...

 

 

 

Actually I don't think you are giving him enough credit here Sandy. If he wanted to remain in the marriage and work things out he would have.

 

 

From the way things are being presented here, he was out the door and there was a trail of dust going down the street before she even put a period on the end of the sentence asking him to leave.

 

 

If he wanted to work things out and stay married, he would have. I think he had his bags packed waiting the closet for her to say something and then the minute the words left her mouth he shot out like a cannon ball.

 

 

Men really don't break up with women, they just stop calling and stop coming around.

 

 

She hasn't even mentioned him sniffing around for a booty call. This is clearly over and it is over by his own hand.

 

 

Did she handle it 100% perfectly? No. But if he wanted to turn this around he could have and would have. He is a grown man too and if he wanted to save his marriage, he would have lifted a finger to do so.

[AloneAgain34]

Dear old shirt... your post below is something I will need to keep reading again and again....

 

If this is any consulation to you, you asking him to leave did not cause this at all.

 

 

He has probably been planning his departure for years. This has been in the works for quite some time.

 

 

This is on him. There really wasn't anything you did that triggered it or caused it. You were simply reading the writing on the wall and deep down you knew that he was checked out and that your marriage ......as in a real marriage, was already over.

 

 

All these last few weeks have done is removed whatever fantasy doubt you had that you were holding on to.

 

 

You really weren't blindsided here, you've seen this coming for awhile.

 

 

It's happened now so now is the time to get busy and get started working on your future.

 

 

You're right. My gut told me for some time that he would probably leave... at the point when he didn't need me anymore. I just didn't want to believe that the man I married would do that to me. I have had a fantasy in my head... of the life I had imagined for us. A beautiful partnership. It turns out it was one-sided honesty and love...

 

I supported him for four years to undertake his medical specialty exams. By support, I mean... gave him the only space in our house to study, tolerated his moods/stress, cooked for him, cleaned for him, understood that we could spend zero time together until he finished... he finished just a few months ago, and now he has clearly obtained what he needed from me. His wage has now quadrupled overnight, and although I don't want to think it's possible, I know there is someone else he's moving on with.

 

Interestingly, the house we lived in during our marriage was mine before we even started dating. And it was 10 minutes away from his work - how convenient for him. I feel he just kept the peace (with minimal investment) to get what he wanted out of me, and now has no need for me or our relationship. So it's over. It's callous and cruel. And hard to believe.

 

In terms of my life and work... I am a tenured professor at a University (I only secured this position in December 2015, and they are really hard to get). So, at least I have my career and work to keep me occupied. I'm just so hurt and betrayed.

 

Everyone thinks he is the most charming, wonderful guy. He really puts on the charisma. I guess that's the guy I fell in love with.

 

[AloneAgain34]

I'll be honest here .... you asking him to leave the marital home like that was wrong. Why didn't you discuss what the problems where on both sides..before sending him away like a naughty child.

 

If my husband did that to me .. well I wouldn't leave our home ... but the message you sent is that it was ALL his fault. That equals disrespect and after analysing the whole relationship .... I could see myself doing what your husband did.

 

Grown up people discuss problems... you sent him away hoping he'd come back begging and it backfired.

 

It's as though you were saying ... go and think how bad you've been to me .... NO. You didn't treat him like an equal ... and that could be the straw that broke the camel's back for him.

 

It's over. ...

 

 

Sandylee, this has made me feel pretty terrible, but I think there's more to it.

 

We discussed the issues many times. I had told him how I was feeling. I told him that he needed to stop lying to me... he used to lie to me about being at work (when he was actually out), he kept his phone at his side like noone I've ever met (even when he went in the shower, and locked the door), he had no care for me when I was sick (despite being a medical doctor), he used to delete his entire computer browsing history every time he used our computer... He had excuses for all of it.

 

I think I had to ask him to leave to think about his behaviour, or it was never going to change. The only other option was to accept being lied to and manipulated forever. I didn't want that. I wanted someone who would admit to their wrongs and be willing to change. I told him that. I suggested we going to counselling together. He had zero interest. What was I supposed to do?

 

I really do think it was mostly his fault. Trust is fundamental in a relationship.

 

It was never about making him beg. It was to see if he really loved me. And I don't think he did.

 

It is over.

[oldshirt]

 

I supported him for four years to undertake his medical specialty exams. By support, I mean... gave him the only space in our house to study, tolerated his moods/stress, cooked for him, cleaned for him, understood that we could spend zero time together until he finished... he finished just a few months ago, and now he has clearly obtained what he needed from me. His wage has now quadrupled overnight, and although I don't want to think it's possible, I know there is someone else he's moving on with.

 

Interestingly, the house we lived in during our marriage was mine before we even started dating. And it was 10 minutes away from his work - how convenient for him. I feel he just kept the peace (with minimal investment) to get what he wanted out of me, and now has no need for me or our relationship. So it's over. It's callous and cruel. And hard to believe.

.

 

 

 

 

The marriage and the relationship are over. There is nothing left to discuss about that.

 

 

This is now strictly business and legalities.

 

 

Get a good divorce attorney that specializes in high-end divorces of professionals and focus solely on the legal and financial matters.

 

 

I am not an attorney and can not offer legal advice but I can say that you may have a case in that you supported him during his professional education and you may now be entitled to some of the earnings that that licensure may bring.

[oldshirt]

Sandylee, this has made me feel pretty terrible, but I think there's more to it.

 

We discussed the issues many times. I had told him how I was feeling. I told him that he needed to stop lying to me... he used to lie to me about being at work (when he was actually out), he kept his phone at his side like noone I've ever met (even when he went in the shower, and locked the door), he had no care for me when I was sick (despite being a medical doctor), he used to delete his entire computer browsing history every time he used our computer... He had excuses for all of it.

 

I think I had to ask him to leave to think about his behaviour, or it was never going to change. The only other option was to accept being lied to and manipulated forever. I didn't want that. I wanted someone who would admit to their wrongs and be willing to change. I told him that. I suggested we going to counselling together. He had zero interest. What was I supposed to do?

 

I really do think it was mostly his fault. Trust is fundamental in a relationship.

 

It was never about making him beg. It was to see if he really loved me. And I don't think he did.

 

It is over.

 

 

 

One should never accept unacceptable behaviors and those were unacceptable behaviors and probably also involved infidelity as well.

 

 

I would even encourage you to have your lawyer hire a PI to do some digging and see how far back the affair(s) go.

 

 

If it can be shown that he was actively involved with other people while his education was being supported by you, that may weigh very favorably for you.

 

 

Most states are no-fault and an affair won't directly affect the divorce it'self, but if it can be shown that he was intentionally misleading into thinking you had a future together as husband and wife while he was actively engaged with someone(s) else, the judge may decide it was close enough to fraud to really throw the book at him.

 

 

But my real point here is you did nothing wrong by asking him to leave when he was showing unacceptable behavior of a spouse.

 

 

By allowing continued unacceptable behavior, that is in essence condoning it and accepting it.

[Satu]

Your total focus should be on yourself, your own wellbeing, and your physical and mental health.

 

You are the only person you are responsible for, and you have to take that responsibility very seriously, because there is nobody else to do it.

 

Eat enough and eat healthily.

Drink enough water. That's a minimum of 1.5 litres a day for a female.

Get enough rest. If you can't sleep, just lie down.

Get some exercise. It doesn't have to be strenuous. A walk is enough.

Get out of the house from time to time.

If you feel physically or mentally unwell see your doctor.

Do not use alcohol or drugs in an attempt to self-medicate.

Don't allow yourself to become isolated. Keep in touch with the people in your life.

 

There's more to do, but those are the basics.

 

You can get through this.

 

People do.

 

 

Take care.

[Mumbles]

After Mumbles reply, I felt terrible... like it was all my fault that I had asked him to leave and so I was the cause of the mess...

 

I am so sorry. Its such a difficult time. I don't believe that ultimately the breakup was your fault. My comment about your comment is that it was in the form of an ultimatum.

 

Ultimatum's can be good and are sometimes required - in your case, some sort of ultimatum -was- required, however, the thing with ultimatums, when you present them to another, is that you have to be prepared for them to go against you. Its a strong handed 'bluff' (poker reference) which can sometimes pay off as you'd wish, but you have to be prepared to lose the game as well.

 

From the additional comments since my post I can obviously see that this wasn't ever going to end well - you just had the gumption to call it (good on you!).

 

Everyone is different, but when I was going through my thing, posting here was a really huge help. Yes, certainly, you get a lot of responses which are not fluffy or beautiful and might even challenge the way you think - but this, ultimately, is a good thing.

 

As I'd kept my situation basically as quiet as I could for as long as I could there was almost no-one I could talk to about what I was going through. Sometimes bouncing your hurt, your feelings, your disappointment off strangers, who in general will give meaningful responses based upon their own experience, can be extremely beneficial.

 

There are a couple of regular posters here on LS who helped me get through what I was going through enormously ... they know who they are. I cried, fought, fantasized and generally carried on for a long time before popping out the other end of the depression with a new view of life, a more realistic view, but one that works because its ultimately more 'real' and less 'fantasy' as I had previously been want to indulge myself in.

[66Charger]

Sometimes, its no ones fault.

Whem someone doesn't love you, that doesn't mean there is something the matter with you, or something the matter with them. They just don't and you cant force it.

In reading your post, it is more than likely, you both were too busy with your careers, too independent. Chasing the fame and dollar. Becoming roommates, took two. By the time you looked up, it was too late.

 

A X once asked me why I was so far away, so distant. My response to her was why didnt you see me walking away?

 

She was too busy until it was too late. I too, have been guilty of the same crime.

 

It may be time to accept, and let this one go. Learn for tomorrow. Dont try to water a dead flower. If he wants to go, let him go. Maybe another time or maybe not. Do your greiving, then do your healing.