Airport_Girl83 Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 Hi, I've been dating a wonderful guy for almost a year now. We're in our late twenties, get on really well and enjoy each others company a lot. There is a spark and passion that you would want in any new relationship but there is also something that casts a small shadow over it - he is best friends with his ex. Even though I've never been a jealous type and I'm far from being insecure, sometimes I find this challenging to deal with. Let me paint the picture for you... They've know each other for more less eight years and dated for almost three during that time. She was his only one long-term girlfriend and he was the one who ended it. They have not always been close and they slept with each other two or three times after the split. They reconnected as friends two years ago when he moved back home for work. They see each other almost every day as they live together in a shared accommodation (separate rooms, two other people living in the apartment as well). It was only meant to be a temporary solution but he got comfortable, time passed and he's still there. This was before we met. They have a weekly routine together. They go grocery shopping to the local supermarket once a week (she doesn't have a car) and go running once a week. They text/ talk almost daily and he seems to be her go to guy for many things (fixing internet, minding her dog when she goes away etc). She often contacts him while he's on a date with me. He still have her facebook photos on his profile (not couple ones but some nice portrait shots of her and some group ones from years back). He talks about her a lot; obviously because they spent so much time together. She is single, trying to meet someone nice for months now without any luck. I think he is concerned about her wellbeing, he often lifts her spirit when she feels unattractive and insecure about not being able to find her better half. I do trust my boyfriend. He assured me that he has no feelings for her, that it's all in the past and I do believe him. I met the ex, was introduced to friends and family so our relationship is not a secret to anyone. We all have exes but I keep mine in the past; when relationships end, I learn from them and move on. I can understand why people catch up with their exes over coffee/lunch sometimes but I wonder whether what they have is not too much for 'just friends' situation? Is it more like a co-dependent sexless relationship? I talked about all above with my boyfriend, how his friendship makes me feel sometimes but nothing has changed. He is not going to cut her out of his life and I don't really want him to do that as I know he's happy having her as a friend. How would you deal with this type of a friendship and the new relationship? Would you rather invest your time in someone who is less involved with their ex?
PegNosePete Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 I do trust my boyfriend. He assured me that he has no feelings for her, that it's all in the past and I do believe him. I talked about all above with my boyfriend, how his friendship makes me feel sometimes but nothing has changed. He is not going to cut her out of his life and I don't really want him to do that as I know he's happy having her as a friend. How would you deal with this type of a friendship and the new relationship? Hi A_G, I'm having a bit of difficulty reconciling your post, from the above quotes. It seems that your BF is happy, his friend/ex is happy, and you're happy. What is the problem? You have been with this guy for a year. Why are you asking how other people would deal with it? You've clearly been dealing with it your way for a year. Are you unhappy with how you've been dealing with it? Is your way not working for you any more? You say you trust him, is that really true, and if so why are you having problems dealing with it? Are you happy with the status quo? If not, what would you like to change? I think if you can make your thoughts and feelings more clear (both to yourself and to us) then you can get more meaningful feedback and advice.
LydiaLong Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 AG, To me, this situation is unacceptable on many levels. He's living with someone he once loved and slept with, and you shouldn't have that shoved in your face all the time. The situation isn't likely to change. I'd find someone who isn't stuck in the past. 1
Author Airport_Girl83 Posted March 16, 2016 Author Posted March 16, 2016 I normally go about my business: work, study, meet my friends. I don't obsess over their friendship. However, sometimes I don't deal very well with it when eg:- I can see his friend texting him while he's with me (usually about some small house stuff). - He mentions something from their past (where they went, what they did). - He even got our names mixed up once during the night (while sleeping not making out). It's more like random situations come up that make me feel very uncomfortable every now and then. Maybe I'm not ok with the fact that there can be another important woman in his life other than me...
LydiaLong Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 Well, clearly you have the ability to deal with it. But it will all come down to how long you're willing to deal with it.
UmmApril Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 I would feel so weird in the same situation. But everyone has certain levels of situations they can handle, and if you can handle knowing this situation, then it shouldn't be a big deal. But since you are posting on here, I assume it's bothering you a good bit. The situation probably isn't going to change without you saying anything about it. And if I was you, and you felt you couldn't handle it, I would cut it off, and if really cared about you, he would change the situation.
neowulf Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 As someone who's maintained friendships with a few ex's I can say this; It comes down to what people can deal with and what they can't. Some of my girlfriends are completely ok with me being on good terms with ex's. They've met each other. We've hung out. Everyone gets along great and there's no stress. Others? Yeah, not so much. One thing I have noticed though. You absolutely, always must put your girlfriend first. If that means negotiating new boundaries within your friendships, then so be it. I've found that so long as your partner isn't generally prone to insecurity and feels that they "come first", things come along just fine. I've allowed myself to drift out of the lives of ex's before, because I could tell me being around was making problems for their relationships. As their friends, I decided I'd rather take the hit than risk their relationships. My advice? Sit down with your boyfriend and explain how you're struggling with this. Try to come up with a workable solution for both of you.
preraph Posted March 17, 2016 Posted March 17, 2016 I'd make friends with her and see if she confesses anything. They could still be having sex once in awhile or something. She could be in love with him. Or not. If you get to know her a little better, she might just confess something, or she might reassure you it's nothing. Living with an ex would make most people walk away. But I'm glad you're not so insecure. I mean, monitoring someone doesn't stop them from cheating. If you're a secure person, you know that if it happens, it happens and you'll live right through it and go on to have a happy life.
Lansing Posted March 17, 2016 Posted March 17, 2016 I wouldn't worry about it. I am a guy, I was friends with a girl, then dated her for over a year and then we broke up because we both didn't see a future together (i.e. marriage). We stopped talking for a few months but then I ran into her at an event and our friendship redeveloped. I had no desire to get back together with her (and, she didn't have intentions to date me either) but we enjoyed each others company. We eventually started talking about other people we were dating, she met a guy, they dated, she got engaged and is now married. I am still friends with her (though, definitely not "best friends" anymore...) and even went to her wedding. Her husband seems cool with it and am I glad we can all hang out. I say you should embrace it and you could make a new friend too.
smackie9 Posted March 17, 2016 Posted March 17, 2016 I wouldn't worry about it. I am a guy, I was friends with a girl, then dated her for over a year and then we broke up because we both didn't see a future together (i.e. marriage). We stopped talking for a few months but then I ran into her at an event and our friendship redeveloped. I had no desire to get back together with her (and, she didn't have intentions to date me either) but we enjoyed each others company. We eventually started talking about other people we were dating, she met a guy, they dated, she got engaged and is now married. I am still friends with her (though, definitely not "best friends" anymore...) and even went to her wedding. Her husband seems cool with it and am I glad we can all hang out. I say you should embrace it and you could make a new friend too. This is all fine and dandy but you were not sharing accommodations.
smackie9 Posted March 17, 2016 Posted March 17, 2016 I don't see anything wrong with being friends with an ex, BUT this arrangement isn't appropriate for someone who is in a relationship. He needs to cut the cord and she needs to stand on her own two feet. 2
Lorenza Posted March 17, 2016 Posted March 17, 2016 Never ever in a million years would I accept an arrangement like that! Maybe I'm a bit more possesive of a boyfriend than you are, OP, but I wouldn't like another woman being so close to my guy (unless it's mom or sister, haha), especially an ex. Just think about it - she can't (or doesn't want to?) find a boyfriend of her own so your bf is taking up that empty space in her heart. They spend so much time together and do activities she would normally do together with her own bf, so there is definitely some emotional investment from her side and maybe his too. I think you're trying to play it cool but deep inside it bugs you a lot and you've got a feeling something's not right. Did you ever felt he chose her over you in any situation? 1
LivingDeadGrl Posted March 17, 2016 Posted March 17, 2016 I wouldn't like it either. It's one thing to be friends with an ex from however long ago (hopefully years), and have ended up with a friendship later on but to live with them and do couple-like things with them still? They go grocery shopping on this day and run together on that day? LOL really?! She is probably still in love with him, that's my guess. He is in fact the one that dumped her, right? It would make me uneasy but then again I have had a crappy experience with an ex boyfriend and his ex. Have you told him how it makes you feel?
Author Airport_Girl83 Posted March 17, 2016 Author Posted March 17, 2016 He has never chosen her over me. Never cancelled on me to do sth with her or anything like that. There are two things that upset me at the very beginning: He did confide in her about me. At the very beginning he disclosed a detail about my life that I want to keep private. I was very upset after finding out and he assured me that he does not confide in her about us anymore. I believe that is still true. He got our names mixed up in the middle of the night (only once and in non sexual situation). Would you talk about establishing any boundaries? If yes, what?
Lorenza Posted March 17, 2016 Posted March 17, 2016 He has never chosen her over me. Never cancelled on me to do sth with her or anything like that. There are two things that upset me at the very beginning: He did confide in her about me. At the very beginning he disclosed a detail about my life that I want to keep private. I was very upset after finding out and he assured me that he does not confide in her about us anymore. I believe that is still true. He got our names mixed up in the middle of the night (only once and in non sexual situation). Would you talk about establishing any boundaries? If yes, what? There's something that is called "verbal muscle memory", so that would explain the second one. But... He must talk a lot about her/to her since we usually confuse names of people that we address a looot (like calling your teacher "mom"). So I still understand why it's kinda awkward. Oh, I would definitely establish boundaries, but then again, I'm way more jealous than you. I'd probably tell him it's time to grow a couple and look for his own place. 1
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