Am I Wasting My Time?

[serenag1]

I have never actually written on an online forum before but instead of over-analyzing my every thought, I figured it would be nice to have an outside perspective!

 

3-4 months ago I got out of a 3 year relationship- we had been very distant for several months leading up to it. I really had no intention of trying to meet someone for quite a while, but in January an EMT at my hospital and I became really friendly and on a whim I gave him my number, not really expecting much. He called me that night and we talked for a while about work and college, normal small talk. We're both 24 by the way, not sure if that even matters haha!

 

The first get together was actually at a dog park, turns out we both have Australian Shepherds so we met up there, trying to be casual. We surprisingly talked about a lot of deeper subjects: the fact that he got out of a 5 year relationship around the same time as me for similar reasons, and that his dad and my brother both passed away from the same cause of death. Needless to say we had great chemistry and were very attracted to each other. Since then he has texted/called me every single day to ask how my day was, see how things were going, tell me he was thinking about me, just chat about life etc. We have been able to do something at least once every week, but I have been finding that I am pretty much always the initiator. He will tell me he wants to see me and would love to get together, but whenever I ask when and where, he says he doesn't know or it doesn't matter, so I will always suggest something and it turns out OK.

 

My issue now is that it has been a couple of months and we have hung out with each others' friends and my other brothers on a few occasions, gone on a several dates, some hikes etc. but he never initiates a set plan. It's always "i'll let you know" or "i've been so busy so I'll have to see" so I'll suggest something and then wait for him to be available. It's getting pretty old. I finally messaged him to say that I get how fresh our break ups are and if it's better that we just do our own thing, I understand completely. I also said that never really committing to a plan until last minute bothers me and if he wasn't interested just to let me know now because I kind of feel like a last option every time and a little like I'm chasing him.

 

He called me right away and apologized for being flakey and that he has been trying to get on the Fire Dept. (plus he works 6pm-2am) so he's been a little stressed, he said he really likes me, and loves when we hang out and wants to keep getting to know me better and says that if he wasn't interested he wouldn't continue trying to see me and talk to me, he just doesn't want to rush anything since he feels like it's still quite quick (also he added that just because he isn't wanting to rush into another relationship doesn't mean he hasn't thought about it with me). But it's been a couple weeks since that talk and although he called me every day last weekend to see what my plans were, when I told him when I was free he would say "Ok perfect, i've missed you, let's do lunch (or a movie, or go for drinks)" and then something would come up- friday, saturday and sunday. I actually picked him up, and his guy friends who were in town, from happy hour Friday and got dinner with them all, but that was after we were supposed to have plans on our own. Then Sunday night around 9pm after a weekend of me being free, and him not, then me being busy and he being free, he told me he wanted to see me and that we should get ice cream. I worked early the next day and was pretty frustrated so I told him it was late and I need more of a heads up. He got upset and said that he feels like I was avoiding him. Obviously that wasn't the case and we resolved it.

 

To end this epic novel I just wrote, my question is, should I keep trying to see him? He told me Sunday he would go to a game with me this week, then when I confirmed it today he said the new firefighter recruits were actually supposed to go to the same game as a team building thing. Definitely disappointed, but it's a valid excuse I guess. We have just shared a lot in a short time and I am really infatuated with him and would love to get to know him more seriously, but it's a huge blow to my ego every time he blows me off. I get that his ex may have been controlling so he's excited to have "guy time," but I feel like I'm chasing him or may be a rebound of sorts. When I've told him my concern and given him an opportunity to just focus on himself and discontinue whatever "this" is, he says he wants to continue to be with me. I am not needing him to make it "official" anytime soon, but while we are still getting to know each other, the last minute bailing on me needs to stop. I don't know if I'm putting too much pressure on him, or if he's genuinely not interested. It's just that I haven't been single in a very long time and am not quite sure how to go about this since he and I both are recovering from break ups that we both ended, but I also don't want to lose an opportunity to be with him in the long run. I just don't want to become too invested, because it is definitely heading that way, if he is just all talk and no genuine sincerity. I get he's busy, I'm busy too, but I make the time and I just feel like it's a second thought for him.

 

Sorry for the lengthy message and thank you so much for taking the time to read this

[inigele14u]

Yes, you should keep seeing him. But don't just stick to one person, scout your options. You guys aren't committed yet, so act like it. If it all works out and he happens to be the one, so be it.

[NinjaX]

Help me out and answer these questions please.

 

1) When was your first date?

2) You say you two have "gone on a several dates". How many times would you say you two have been out together?

3) I assume you have been physically intimate, yes?

 

I think the answer is quite clear to me, but let's confirm first.

[serenag1]

1) first date was about 5 days after giving my number, a few days after we met at the dog park

2) In 2 months we've been out maybe 6 or so times, not all dinner dates though

3) And yes, as of the last 3 weeks we have

 

He made it clear before we were intimate that he wasn't seeing anyone else and preferred that I wasn't either. It seems good, the issue is that when he does have days off he asks what my plans are, then fails to make any or gives me a "maybe." Just frustrating.

[NinjaX]

Ok...at this stage, his actions show that he is not treating you as a priority, just an option.

 

You should keep that in mind and not treat him as a priority either. As much as you like him, you have to know that the other person values your time as much as you value theirs.

 

Keep your options open and you don't need to chase as much.

[Standard-Fare]

His behavior is definitely annoying and frustrating. It's impossible to know what's behind it - whether he's just a flake in general, whether he's overly cagey because of his recent breakup, or whether he's not completely on board in growing this thing with you. Or any combination of those things...

 

Unfortunately I think this leaves you in a position where you've gotta keep your own distance. That would be a rational measure of self-protection, in response to his lack of availability, but it would also give him the chance to demonstrate the true extent of his interest when you're not the one pursuing.

 

You shouldn't ever have to repeat the line that you "feel like you're chasing him." You've already expressed that directly, and it would be pointless nagging if you have to use it again, after not getting results.

 

If you cool off a bit and you don't see him respond with more effort and consistency, you should assume you two simply aren't on the same page.

[joseb]

He has just gotten out of a 5 year relationship. He probably likes you, but the last thing he wants is to jump into another one.

I've been there. Let him have his fun time.

If I were you, I'd do the same, rather than rush into something.