Is this the end for me?

[Lucylou23]

Hi! I've been reading everyone's posts and it has helped open my eyes. I'll try to keep my story brief.

 

I guess I got suckered in and I am the OW. Me and my AP work together every day. Last Year I got divorced after being together for 20 years. I knew my marriage was over before I ever got involved with my MM. We become close friends while I was still married and he use to say things to me and made passes at me while I was still married.

 

A year ago one night when we were by ourselfs he literally jumped on me and started to kiss me. I backed off and told him no I can't do this because I was still married. He didn't know I was going thru a divorce at that time. He apologized and said I respect that. Well a couple of days later we were alone and he kissed me again and this time I didn't back off I went with it. It felt good.

 

In the beginning we would just meet up after work like once or twice a week. Sometimes weeks went by. We were still working together but did nothing at work and just played it cool. I got divorced and now he started to come to my house in the evenings. It started off slowly and then it was like he was over almost every night. It was incredible and I just took it as something fun and nothing else. MM on the other hand took it more serious. He would call me all the time on his cell phone like on the weekends after work etc...I never called him on his cell it was always him..

 

Well DD happened 4 months into it. I told him listen if u want to work it with your wife I understand. He told me no that I choose you and that I would never put you in harms way.

 

He never did give me up And admit that he had an affair with me into this day as far as I know he is never told her that he has been involved with me. After that I told him he can't call me anymore from his cell. She found all his cell calls to me over those months. He even called me on the night of his child's marriage and came over.

 

I told him that we can just ended it and I'll be find. He said no because I showed him love and care for him. Something he hasn't felt in years. He kept telling me she(wife) was the one that cut him off and he literally had to always beg for sex and they would go months and months without having sex this is what he was telling me and kept telling me how I love to be with you and you show me so much love something that has been missing for my marriage for years.

 

So we continue to see each other not as much but at least once or twice a week and then he ended up getting a burner phone and he would call me all the time after work on the weekends when he was driving he was just literally make an excuse to get out of this house just to talk to me and tell me how much he loved talking to me. We would talk for hours and hours and I guess that's when I started to get emotionally attached and opened up my feelings for him that's when I questioned our relationship and asked him where we going with this because I started feeling that I needed more and more from him I started missing him. I wanted to be around him more he kept saying to me give me time just give me some time I have a lot of work at my house that needs to be done so of course I said OK and we continued being together as much as we could.

 

The whole time of course he said I love you I want to be with you and then I start saying then what are you waiting for let's make this work do you really want to make this work and he kept saying yes yes so about a month and a half ago he moved out. He kept saying that he was going to file for divorce and told his wife that it's over I'm not happy I don't want to be here anymore but he never did don't file the paperwork I kept wondering why why and he kept telling me soon soon soon when he moved out he was at my place almost every night give or take one or two nights we talked constantly on the phone when he was never at my house and we still continue to work together but kept it top secret.

 

Rumor started to spread it works . Over the weeken I didn't hear from him at all. Not like him at all. Saw him after the weekend and said I missed talking to you. He said he had a family issue going on and the said his phone got stolen and he had no way to contact me. He was very cold to me.

 

I said to him well what are we doing because you just been totally cold towards me and he said I don't know I just need some time because I have a problem with a family member and that we need to slow it down some.I proceeded to say to him I guess everything that you told me I just been strung along and he says if that's how you feel I guess so but it's not how I feel.

 

I think he moved back home but won't admit it to me. I just have that feeling. and he keeps telling me he needs to do to take care of the problems with his child first. So of course I say OK but I just wanted to let you know that I miss being with you these last few days.

 

We still have to work together every day and today was very hard for me to do but I got through it. I guess I was strung along all this time but I find it so hard to believe because of everything that he is done for me he's been so loving and caring so attentive to me and my needs and he's never ever admitted that he was ever with me to his wife. We did the future planning and I guess I got caught up in everything and thought hey this could really work out as a real relationship since he made the first move moving out.

 

Thoughts on what I should do should I just totally end it and just have to deal with him every day at work or should I give him some time and see what becomes of it?

Edited March 16, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
thread-starter edit for paragraphs and sentence structure ~6

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I muddled through! the short answer is give it time, chances are pretty high he'll be back when things cool off. If he's moved back in there is most likely some reconciliation going on. When the coast is clear, he'll come slinking around as long as you don't make waves.

 

You notice how he turned things around on you when you questioned him? That's a big red flag! That says, this is all about me and how I feel. You don't have the right to hold me to my words. Expect more of that if you put the pressure on.

 

Have you been strung along??? Probably, maybe not intentionally, but it doesn't matter. Look, when things are going like he wants then everything is wonderful, but when the chips are down he's not being Mr Wonderful to you, he's being an insensitive jerk. That tells you how he handles adversity.

 

When he didn't throw you under the bus to his wife it's because of what was best for him, not necessarily because of his loyalty to you.

 

I guess it boils down to what you're willing to live with.

[whichwayisup]

I backed off and told him no I can't do this because I was still married

 

So, when he made at pass at you, why didn't his marriage and wife matter to you? Once you were divorced, shouldn't his marriage be as sacred as your was, cheating wise?

 

Anyway I hope you realize he's not worth the drama. End it! If you don't he's going to lead you on, play games with you selfishly and it'll make you crazy. Read some threads on here and hopefully it'll put you off enough to want to walk away before you get really hurt.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Hi! I've been reading everyone's posts and it has helped open my eyes. I'll try to keep my story brief.

 

Somewhere in the second paragraph my eyes hurt. But if I understand - the guy pursued you and as soon as you finally showed interest in return and wanted to be with him, he was gone. Am I right?

 

This is really common. What should you do? Well, he will probably be back but you are divorced now. You can go meet all kinds of single men to play mind games, at least they are not married.

 

I get it, you love him. Believe me, we all get it.

 

If you want advice, tell him you want him to call you when he leaves her. Know that you may be like me. I'm still waiting and he is not calling. He's working it out at home. As they usually do. But hey, at least I know now as opposed to wasting 5 years.

Edited March 16, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fixed quote formatting ~6

[brothers343]

I can give you two facts that will come true in the next few weeks or if you let it in the next few months. The first is that he will not leave his wife and the next one is that he will leave you with your hopes and aspirations in the air and in your dreams. Only 10 percent of man leave there wives for the affair partner. Please don't gamble with those odds. Leave him and start new. Pain and agony is the only thing that awaits you if you continue this life. Good luck.

[13Hearts]

If this were me, I would cut him off completely and start dating other guys. Available guys.

 

This guy is treating you like a ping pong ball, not like a woman. You teach people how to treat you by what you allow.

[BuddyX]

You are getting played. And no, he will not leave his wife.

You can go to HR and maybe get reassigned (not sure of your line of work).

 

Or how about this, Be Professional. You can end it and still work with him.

You're company is not paying you to create drama. They're paying you to work.

[whichwayisup]

I can give you two facts that will come true in the next few weeks or if you let it in the next few months. The first is that he will not leave his wife and the next one is that he will leave you with your hopes and aspirations in the air and in your dreams. Only 10 percent of man leave there wives for the affair partner. Please don't gamble with those odds. Leave him and start new. Pain and agony is the only thing that awaits you if you continue this life. Good luck.

 

Obviously there are MM who leave their wives and start over with their OW. It's rare but it does happen. In those cases a MM who respects and really does love his OW, his actions back up his words, so he isn't going to be cruel, game playin' or treat her poorly. Unlike in most stories on here. And sadly yours too. Your MM is not going to divorce his wife.

[Lucylou23]

You are getting played. And no, he will not leave his wife.

You can go to HR and maybe get reassigned (not sure of your line of work).

 

Or how about this, Be Professional. You can end it and still work with him.

You're company is not paying you to create drama. They're paying you to work.

 

I'm not going to ask to get reassigned. If anything it should be him. In a way I want him to suffer to and have to look at me daily and still have to be around me. I don't know if that makes any sense?

We have always acted properly at work.

[burnt]

No one knows what he is thinking right now. But based on what you wrote, it could be that after his son (or what it grandson?) got arrested, there may have been a serious wake up call for him.

 

He may have realized that he has been neglecting his family since he's been spending so much time with you. Watching his son going to jail--and for all you know his family maybe blaming him for being neglectful.

That sort of guilt in a man (provider of the family) usually brings about enormous stress and self-hate. Maybe that's why he's pulling back from you.

 

Yes, it most likely is the end of the affair as you knew it.

 

Once things settled down a bit, chances are he will be back--but not with the same intensity.

Whether you fully grasp it now or not, you do not have any other option but to prepare yourself to let go. It is not easy, it will not be easy, but it was inevitable.

 

His family will always come first. Not YOU.

[Midwestmissy]

Taking time from his family to spend time on an affair is horrific. Do you want to be with that kind of man? My wh lost the respect of our oldest son and it has forever changed their relationship. Another huge regret of his.

[jenkins95]

Hi Lucylou

 

Sorry to hear that you are in such a horrible place. Well done for finding LS. There are lots of great people here with a wealth of knowledge and experience......and they are here to help you!

 

I agree with 13Hearts and many of the other contributors to this thread who I believe are wise to warn you to get out of this now...

 

If this were me, I would cut him off completely and start dating other guys. Available guys.

 

This guy is treating you like a ping pong ball, not like a woman. You teach people how to treat you by what you allow.

 

Lots of red flags for me: -

 

1. At the beginning he didn't respect your marriage - he went for you even though he knew you were married.

 

2. He doesn't respect his own wife - he lies, sneaks and cheats on her and keeps her in the dark. He moves in and out on her. One minute it's over, the next back on. The poor woman. What could he be like with you after 15 years of marriage?

 

3. He is a very good liar. Am I right in saying that despite hundreds of times being with and staying with you, he still hasn't told his wife anything about it? What on earth does he tell her? The "I'm working late, honey" excuse must have been well and truly exhausted by now?

 

4. He is probably a good liar to you too. He blows hot and cold and goes silent on you, stonewalling you and leaving you guessing about what he is doing. You got kind of a confused, half-story about his son/grandson being in trouble with the police and that's why he's unavailable right now. Seems dodgy to me - like he's trying to palm you off and that you are not worthy of a full explanation. Giving the cold shoulder to and shutting out someone who has built feelings of love for you is one of the cruellest, most hurtful things you can do to someone. It is not a loving act, and if he can do that, he has a mean, dark side.

 

5. He is being vague with you. Not just about the police stuff, but what are his long term plans and time-scales? Is he going to leave or isn't he? He seems secretive and guarded. You can't be expected to sit around in ignorance waiting for him while he decides what to do. Another very damaging thing that we see on here sometimes is the MM who moves out, moves back in again, moves out, moves back in again.....in a cycle. It looks like he could be one of these - that kind of behaviour destroys everyone - W, OW, family and even probably himself.

 

6. He clearly has a big extended family - wife, sons, grandsons, etc. If there was a D-day, all hell could break lose and many people's lives could be affected. He would probably enter survival mode, align with them and play the victim who you manipulated. All fingers would be pointing at you and you would be the scarlet woman, home-wrecker. Please don't allow yourself to be put into that position.

 

I'm being direct, because I see a lot of potential for hurt ahead and we see stories like yours here very often. Sadly, any course of action other than an abrupt end followed straight away by NC usually leads to heart-break. I know it's really difficult, but please, please for your own health and sanity, let him know that despite your feelings, you cannot continue as things are. He is the married one and he has to decide what he wants. If one day he has a signed divorce paper in his hand, he can come knock on your door that day, but not before. Then wish him well, walk away and go strict NC with him.

 

You are in a dangerous place right now. Stop now while you haven't lost everything and can start to recover relatively quickly with minimal damage done. He could string you along for years in limbo - we see it on these boards a lot. Don't allow yourself to be played any more.

 

I know it's horrible Lucylou, but we are here for you. Be strong and keep posting (((hug)))!

Edited March 16, 2016 by jenkins95

[sandylee1]

After the dday.. you say that he said he chooses you.. he chooses you to be his mistress. ..... do you find that honorable?

 

It sounds like he was a sex starved monkey jumping on you like that ... but you must have given him an idea it was okay .... otherwise he would not have done that.

 

Perhaps in your own need for affection you gave off the vibe that you were in need of something.

 

After 37 years is he going to leave... I'd say less than a 5% chance. He's using you to fill his sexual needs.... his coldness towards you shows that you don't mean a lot to him.

[Lucylou23]

Thanks everyone for the advice that was given to me. I apologize for the long paragraphs and praise anyone that could read thru it all. It was my first post and I didn't understand how to edit it. Now it's much better.

It is truly hard for me right now and I have been analyzing all the stuff he has said to me and still wonder if any of it was true. I truly believed it was and that's what makes this to hard. Like if I'm making the right decision. Do u think I should talk to him again about us?

[privategal]

Im sorry that its hard.

It really is and the analyzing is normal but only when you get still, do nothing toward him, as hard as it is remain steadfast to keep your dignity.

Sit with the sadness dont try to get too busy that you ignore the pain cause you do need to cry some or alot.

But also dont allow too much time to wallow.

If it was or wasnt real is one of the most asked questions and Ive found its the least relevant question.

Most commonly it was real AT THE TIME.

It was meant IN THE MOMENT.

If you spoke with him its like is he lying, does he mean it, why did he say that, why didnt he say this, now what do I do?

See, it raises more analyzing, more confusion, more desperation, more of the same.

When its done a mm, or mw usually go back if the marriage gets stale again, or their bored, or the panic of the dday has worn down and they can breath again and begin to sneak around to meet their needs again.

If we could all only say when its over "gosh Im so glad I experienced that love"

Most of us say we regret the whole thing as now we are in great pain.

Your recovery will be very hard and long.

Dont rush it.

Some days will be surprisingly easy. An excriciating one full of pain will creep up out of nowhere.

The most common mistake is reaching out. Dont. No. No. No. No.

Keep reading.

You have us

Be done. For you.

[13Hearts]

Thanks everyone for the advice that was given to me. I apologize for the long paragraphs and praise anyone that could read thru it all. It was my first post and I didn't understand how to edit it. Now it's much better.

It is truly hard for me right now and I have been analyzing all the stuff he has said to me and still wonder if any of it was true. I truly believed it was and that's what makes this to hard. Like if I'm making the right decision. Do u think I should talk to him again about us?

 

When you are forced to analyze what is going on with a person, and the things they have said and/or done, there is something going on. You are being manipulated. You can't figure out what is the truth because you're not meant to. You can talk to him all you want but you are not going to get a straight answer from this guy.