carlnrtn Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 (edited) There is bit of a story to this whole thing but I'll keep this real short... Basically, met a girl a bit older than me (41, I'm 25). We hit it off real well, couple of weeks later after a few glasses of wine we slept together. After that we had a crazy couple of days fooling around if you know what I mean. We then spent the next few days just hanging out and having a real good laugh. Then we spent the next 4 or 5 days hanging out and having a real good laugh all the time. Then she started doubting her feelings towards me, said there was something missing. We still saw each other every day for the next few days and we still were a bit touchy feely and kissing, but I think that's more because I went for it. Another few days hanging out every day and I asked what was going on in her head now because I felt like she was on and off with it. She ended up saying everything is there, the chemistry, the fun, we are very similar, but something just isn't there for her. I'm sure you can all see what's happened here... I didn't play it cool at all. This woman was absolutely amazing, and I'm sure she thought the same about me, so we spent far too much time together. And when we weren't together for the evening we were messaging each other. What was missing? No doubt the mystery, the feeling of longing. So anyway, this last bit was Sunday. Yesterday (Monday) I didn't see her, and didn't message her until late in the evening. Just so she knew I was still cool with her and I wasn't just ignoring her because I couldn't get what I wanted. Today, I haven't messaged her at all and she hasn't messaged me. This feels really wierd, because we always spoke for agggges every day. And I REALLY miss her (sounds nuts I know, but I haven't met anyone like her in a long time and she's really got into my head). I hope she is missing me too...and not sure why she hasn't messaged me. Any ideas why? And am I doing the right thing in backing right off? Thinking about messaging her tomorrow and seeing if she wants to do something Saturday, should I? And is there anything else I can do to perhaps recover from this position? The attraction and everything was there before, and I am 99% sure if I played it cool this could have gone somewhere. Is it too late, have I killed the attraction completely or can I get it back?? EDIT: Wow....didn't keep that short at all...sorry!!! Edited March 15, 2016 by carlnrtn EDIT: Wow....didn't keep that short at all...sorry!!! 1
NinjaX Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 I recommend backing off. You two spent A LOT of time together, which is a good thing, but she is just getting a little bit bored. You need to give her space to miss you instead of trying to constantly keep the passions going. Do not contact her. Wait for her to reach out to you and set a date again. The more you try to contact her, the more she will back off. 1
Satu Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 Relationship should have a natural ebb and flow. The intimacy doesn't have to be maintained at the same level all the time. Sometimes you're very close, sometimes you aren't, and thats completely natural. Don't worry about it.
Author carlnrtn Posted March 15, 2016 Author Posted March 15, 2016 Thanks. I figured I was doing the right thing by backing off. I just have a horrible tendancy to over-think things. She knows how I feel, which is why we decided it's best to leave it as we both really enjoy each others company and can have a great time but at the moment that's all there is too it. She's been real honest, and I can't fault her at all in the way she's handled this. She stopped the sexual side of things once she realised she wasn't 100% sure because she didn't want to hurt me. And she said herself that maybe she's feeling all confused and scared and unsure because she does actually like me, and that maybe in the future her feelings towards me may change...but for now we should leave things be on that side. So I'm a bit up and down and trying to figure out the best way to handle this. I want it to work... and I know why we've ended up where we are... hopefully with your advice I will be able to get it back on track 1
brokengirl85 Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 I think you should keep your options open. Try not to be that clingy in the future, is a total turn off. Have your own life, friends, hobbies... You seem to rely yo much on her and I understand why she backed off. Too much time with each other is really overwelming. Also, try to ask yourself what kind of relationship do you want. She's almost 20 years older than you. 1
Author carlnrtn Posted March 15, 2016 Author Posted March 15, 2016 Hmm...I wouldn't say I was clingy. I wasn't expecting too much from her, I wasn't pestering her. It was a two way thing, we both had a quiet week at work and some days she invited me up, some I invited her down. We were both just enjoying each others company. Don't get me wrong though, it should have been me that made myself unavailble from time to time...just got caught up in the moment. And as for the age thing, age is just a number to me. If two people get on really well and are attracted to each other, I don't see the issue... we are very like minded. I can be mature, and she can be a right child. When I first met her, I thought she was about 35, it wasn't until recently I learnt she was 41. It didn't even bother me to ask. And it hasn't been an issue for her either. 1
brokengirl85 Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 Hmm...I wouldn't say I was clingy. I wasn't expecting too much from her, I wasn't pestering her. It was a two way thing, we both had a quiet week at work and some days she invited me up, some I invited her down. We were both just enjoying each others company. Don't get me wrong though, it should have been me that made myself unavailble from time to time...just got caught up in the moment. And as for the age thing, age is just a number to me. If two people get on really well and are attracted to each other, I don't see the issue... we are very like minded. I can be mature, and she can be a right child. When I first met her, I thought she was about 35, it wasn't until recently I learnt she was 41. It didn't even bother me to ask. And it hasn't been an issue for her either. Ok, then maybe she has other options at the moment. Something went wrong, that's for sure. Otherwise you wouldn't be here asking for advice, right? You seem to be a little intense. I'd light down things a little. Are you really that invested on her? She doesn't seem to be as invested in you...
Author carlnrtn Posted March 15, 2016 Author Posted March 15, 2016 Well she hasn't been in the dating game for a while. And we have both been quite open with each other, and from what I have gathered about her past hurt, she is a bit dubious about letting someone into her life. She is good friends with one of her exs (they haven't had any intimacy for about 10 years, more like brother sister now), and she went up to his one night because she felt she should tell him she was seeing someone else. So that leads me to believe she did see me as a potential boyfriend at one point? Yeah, things did get a little intense. And that was my fault. And I know that is why it got to the stage it has. It had been a while since I had been that close with anyone, and I guess I was making the most of it while I could. Maybe it was my own insecurities thinking I should get it all while I can before it eventually disappears? In hindsight, yeah, I could have done things real differently. I wouldn't say I'm THAT invested in her... she isn't the first and if things don't work out she won't be the last. But I do have a strong interest in her, and the advice I'm after is how I can go about lightening things up and keeping her interested? Or have my previous efforts blown it completely?
Author carlnrtn Posted March 16, 2016 Author Posted March 16, 2016 And I know there is no definitive answer to that, each person and scenario is different, just wondering if anyone can draw from experience or at least give me some words of wisdom that may help me getting me where I'd like to get
losangelena Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 Basically, met a girl a bit older than me (41, I'm 25). We hit it off real well, couple of weeks later after a few glasses of wine we slept together. We then spent the next few days just hanging out and having a real good laugh. Then we spent the next 4 or 5 days hanging out and having a real good laugh all the time. Then she started doubting her feelings towards me, said there was something missing. She ended up saying everything is there, the chemistry, the fun, we are very similar, but something just isn't there for her. This feels really wierd, because we always spoke for agggges every day. And I REALLY miss her (sounds nuts I know, but I haven't met anyone like her in a long time and she's really got into my head). I hope she is missing me too...and not sure why she hasn't messaged me. Any ideas why? And am I doing the right thing in backing right off? Thinking about messaging her tomorrow and seeing if she wants to do something Saturday, should I? And is there anything else I can do to perhaps recover from this position? The attraction and everything was there before, and I am 99% sure if I played it cool this could have gone somewhere. Is it too late, have I killed the attraction completely or can I get it back?? EDIT: Wow....didn't keep that short at all...sorry!!! So you met a woman (not a girl, jesus) 16 years older than you, had sex on your first date, proceeded to spend the vast majority of the next however-many days together, then she tells you there's something "missing." Right. I hear strains of "Mrs. Robinson" playing in the background. I doubt this woman was interested in anything other than something physical to begin with. First, you're almost young enough to be her son, secondly she slept with you on date one. These are not exactly the auspicious beginnings of a deep relationship. When things begin intensely, they often end quickly. I don't mean to burst your bubble, OP, but I doubt she misses you. Frankly, you barely know each other! You needn't be having so much communication so soon. Let it drop for a few days. If you really, really want to, reach out tomorrow and ask if she wants to see you this weekend. I doubt you did anything to ruin it, because I don't think there was much to ruin in the first place. 1
Author carlnrtn Posted March 16, 2016 Author Posted March 16, 2016 Thanks. I was thinking about asking her today if she was up for meeting Saturday. That's where I'm confused though. We had hung out 4 or 5 times before we had sex. Nothing was ever classed as a date though. We had sex 2 or 3 times, then she stopped me and said she doesn't know what she wants. Because she said she hasn't been used to guys wanting her for her just sex, she thought of it as just physical in the first place, but then she said now she's real confused about how she feels. She said she was scared and that I've brought up feelings in her she hasn't felt in a long time and that she might actually like me but she doesn't know. Which is why we stopped sleeping together and just hung out, still close and flirty and fun though. At this point was my cue to chill out and give her time to work it out.
basil67 Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 I'm with Losangelena 100%. Given your age differences I'd lay any amount of money that this was all about lust for her. If you're hot, even more so.
Author carlnrtn Posted March 16, 2016 Author Posted March 16, 2016 Well I'm not exactly hot... I'm really skinny and have bad teeth! But maybe you're right... Maybe it was just lust for her. But then she is a very attractive woman and I'm sure could have most men that approach her, yet in 8 months I'm the only one she's been with. And I'm just totally confused why she would say the stuff she said if it was just sex? Women are so confusing! I feel a bit stupid letting her get into my head so much, I don't know how it happened to be honest, but she did!
road Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 She liked the attention. Wanted the sex. She is old enough to be your mama. She never want to go past some recreational fun. Be glad she dumped you. She saw that huge age difference making a relationship impossible.
losangelena Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 Well I'm not exactly hot... I'm really skinny and have bad teeth! But maybe you're right... Maybe it was just lust for her. But then she is a very attractive woman and I'm sure could have most men that approach her, yet in 8 months I'm the only one she's been with. And I'm just totally confused why she would say the stuff she said if it was just sex? Women are so confusing! I feel a bit stupid letting her get into my head so much, I don't know how it happened to be honest, but she did! Yeah, people say all kinds of weird ish. I would look more to her actions to gauge her true intentions. Who knows why you're the only one she's been intimate with in eight months.
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