elaine567 Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 You're right. The OP makes enough money to pay for all of the couple's bills for the past 4 years and then some, including - a Landrover - a Louis Vouitton purse - a 3 carat ring for Christmas - a $1,000 camera for her birthday - dates every weekend - rent for the house - all his, her, and their children's living expenses - he was going to pay for college tuition, car insurance, car payments, and gas but he really wants to get his hands on his ex-girlfriend's $3 an hour and tips. Er no, but providing the money = control. Going to school means she can get out of his control and many men do not like that. 3
katiegrl Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 (edited) Clearly she doesn't have everything she wants. What she wants is to go to school. You're dismissing her needs as if they aren't important. The same as the OP has. ================ ****It's not solely about one person being right or wrong it's about finding a compromise that works for both of them. *** ****In this case it was his way or the highway. Instead of looking for a solution and acknowledging the importance of her needs and wants he dismissed them Exactly! Finding a *compromise,* that works for BOTH ....which was precisely what OP was attempting to do ...by proposing she wait until September to go to school....until their six-month old child was no longer an infant!! No it was not "his way or the highway" ...nor was he *dismissing* her needs...where are you getting that? In fact, to the contrary, it was *her* way or the highway. HE, on the other hand, was very supportive of her needs ...but simply, again, believes it is in the best interests of their INFANT child to wait six months to embark on her career...which was a healthy *compromise*. There is just no disputing that....none. Also, since when does a man working and providing for his family, and very well I might add = controlling? She also works part-time at night. My dad (as well as many many other responsible dads) worked and supported his family, while my mom stayed home. And no way was he *controlling*. That notion is absolutely ludicrous. It's called being a responsible, caring and loving dad and husband. Two kids is not an easy task, and if he can afford to comfortably provide for his family, without his wife or girlfriend working full time OUTSIDE, then I think that is fabulous. In this case, his gf worked part-time at night ....which it sounds like he fully supported too. So not getting where you say he is *controlling* ....not seeing it. OP, you are not married to this *woman* and I hesitate to even call her that as she sounds extremely immature. As such, you are under no obligation to support her, pay her bills, rent, school, while she reserves the right to carry on with another man. That is nuts. Frankly, from everything you have posted in this thread, she sounds completely unfit to be a mother anyway. Get to a lawyer ASAP, and discuss obtaining sole custody. If that is not possible, you give her monthly child support, and that is it. She works nights, she can work more nights, find a place to live, get loans for school, and carry on with another guy to her little heart's content. I don't know of any judge who will award her even joint custody right now under the current circumstances. And you did nothing wrong IMO, except getting involved with her in the first place... She sounds completely unstable, complete with temper tantrums, storming off when arguing, I want to work this out/I don't want to work this out ...arghh!! Stand up for yourself...you have rights. And get this sad excuse for a mother (and partner) out of your house and get to a lawyer ASAP! Good luck and god bless your two beautiful kids. Edited March 6, 2016 by katiegrl 1
jmsgerald Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 Yeah I found this part hard to read as well. Working on the relationship doesn't mean doing what he wants to suit his schedule. She is entitled to go to school and better herself. They are clearly financially stable so I cannot understand his reasons for trying to deter her or postpone her going to college? He isn't clear on why he was doing this rather than supporting her choice? Gifts are nice but you can't beat having the support of your partner. Support is far more important. Just because you brought her gifts doesn't mean you get to use them as a means of controlling her. She can't go to school because you brought her a car or a handbag. It doesn't work that way. Sounds like she is trying to escape you because you are stifling her. Not really sure of the reason you are doing so but it comes off as extremely controlling. Also the not paying for petrol situation sounds like you are trying to manipulate her back by punishing her for leaving. If you don't come back I won't pay for this or that. Something which you had previously been paying for. This woman is the mother of your children. You have supported her (as stated above) financially throughout your marriage and are now using it to try and force her back into a relationship with you by withdrawing your financial support. This won't work in the long run. If you genuinely wanted to work on the relationship you would continue your financial support for the interim to remove the stress of causing financial difficulty for your wife and children while you attempt to reconcile. Immediately withdrawing your financial support upon separating is complete and total manipulation as you know it will be deterimental to her. She obviously relies on you financially. I'm not saying this should go on for ever but until at least you both determine whether you are staying together or separating. Adding this extra stress for her is going to drive her away. If i were moderator of this forum,i would have banned you from giving advice in this place.Incredible how you turned thing over its head by blaming the victim. 1
Author nessrox Posted March 7, 2016 Author Posted March 7, 2016 (edited) Thanks for all your replies guys... She wanted to be a stay at home mom when our 2nd child was born, I told her your probably going to get bored and want to work again, she said no, I want to be a stay at home mom, so I told her okay, but don't quit your job just yet. 3 months go by and she says I want to go back to work one day a week. (The reason she wanted to, is because she said she was unhappy with me and I wasn't giving her the attention she needed so she thought work would help, I didn't know this until she told me this was the reason when we broke up) but she said it was just for extra hangout money for the kids and etc at the time. So I have crazy updated news...... This past Saturday, we were talking just as friends and laughing like we used to when we were happy in the beginning, I told her she could stay at my new house I'm moving into this Friday until she found an apartment so she wouldn't be "Homeless" for 3 weeks. (Yes, I know I'm too freaking nice). After we talked for an hour or two and had some good laughs, she texted me on her way to work: "Okay we can try again. Unless you don't want to. Either way you don't have to reply back til tomorrow after you go out tonight. Try for the kids" She said I didn't have to reply until tomorrow, because this past Saturday was my birthday and me and my buddies went out drinking. I replied, "Okay, let's talk about this more tomorrow". At first I believed she just wants to try because her school starts on 03/08/16, and she might be using me temporarily for school. But the next day we talked and she said she wants to try again and said she would wait to go to school if I wanted her to, so we could try again in our relationship. After talking with her a little more, she asked me on a date to the movies that night, and paid for the movie. I tried to put my arm around her in the movie theater but got nervous and took it away lol. We went home, watched a tv show and I massaged her feet that night, she fell asleep I covered her with blankets and then said goodnight and went upstairs to sleep, she came up later in the night and laid in the bed. I don't know if what I am doing is right or how to proceed now with trying again. I'm not sure if she's forcing herself to do this or actually wants to do this? I feel like she hasn't fully seen what life is actually like without me yet....? What do you guys think? Edited March 7, 2016 by nessrox
SunnyWeather Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 If you love her, and it sounds like you do, I say give it another try- true love is so precious, and not something that comes about so readily. I'd also suggest you two get into counseling, if you both sincerely want to work things out. good luck 1
266696687 Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 If i were moderator of this forum,i would have banned you from giving advice in this place.Incredible how you turned thing over its head by blaming the victim. He isn't the 'victim' as I've said multiple times they were BOTH at fault and needed to find a compromise that works for both of them. Neither was able to compromise and the OP issued an ultimatum which ended the relationship. He is not a victim. She is not a victim. They are both a product of poor communication and each wanting things their own way.
elaine567 Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 What do you guys think? You have two young children, life doesn't always run smooth, I think if you are both agreeable then you should try again. Good luck. 1
Author nessrox Posted March 7, 2016 Author Posted March 7, 2016 You have two young children, life doesn't always run smooth, I think if you are both agreeable then you should try again. Good luck. How would I proceed with trying again? Just let it happen naturally and with time?
266696687 Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 If i were moderator of this forum,i would have banned you from giving advice in this place.Incredible how you turned thing over its head by blaming the victim. Lucky for me you're not a moderator otherwise you might ban everyone who has an opinion different to your own. A forum is a place for many different opinions and perspectives that's it's purpose. You won't find everyone agrees on every topic every time. That's life and part of being an individual. Being a grown up involves being able to accept and acknowledge many different opinions without making it personal (which you have done here). 3
fireflywy Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 How would I proceed with trying again? Just let it happen naturally and with time? Pretty much. Give it another try. Be supportive, watch how you enforce your boundaries and how she does hers, and if it doesn't work, you can always return to where you were before. By the way, I was serious about "The Wife of Baths Tale" by Chaucer. Best of luck. 1
266696687 Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 How would I proceed with trying again? Just let it happen naturally and with time? You have to acknowledge the bits you need to work on to improve and then express that you've acknowledged them to your partner and how you would like to be supportive and work things out. Hopefully by this doing this she will then acknowledge the bits she needs to work on and recipricate your feelings to work on the relationship. Take a few days before you do anything. Let your emotions settle down and give her a bit of space. Why not do something with the kids? By accepting that you both played a role in the demise of this relationship is a good starting point. See if you can find some middle ground with her but you will both need to make some compromises in order to do so. You need to work together on the things that really matter without getting into an argument and cop calling. If you don't feel ready for that wait a while and maybe write down the things that are important to you (what you need or want) and then ask her to do the same before your discussion. Then be prepared to meet her halfway. If you can't do this without high emotion (on both sides) a controlled therapy session might be the way to go. 1
Author nessrox Posted March 7, 2016 Author Posted March 7, 2016 Pretty much. Give it another try. Be supportive, watch how you enforce your boundaries and how she does hers, and if it doesn't work, you can always return to where you were before. By the way, I was serious about "The Wife of Baths Tale" by Chaucer. Best of luck. I don't understand the summary of the story, a knight rapes a women? Doesn't make sense, how would I apply that to my current situation? You have to acknowledge the bits you need to work on to improve and then express that you've acknowledged them to your partner and how you would like to be supportive and work things out. Hopefully by this doing this she will then acknowledge the bits she needs to work on and recipricate your feelings to work on the relationship. Take a few days before you do anything. Let your emotions settle down and give her a bit of space. Why not do something with the kids? By accepting that you both played a role in the demise of this relationship is a good starting point. See if you can find some middle ground with her but you will both need to make some compromises in order to do so. You need to work together on the things that really matter without getting into an argument and cop calling. If you don't feel ready for that wait a while and maybe write down the things that are important to you (what you need or want) and then ask her to do the same before your discussion. Then be prepared to meet her halfway. If you can't do this without high emotion (on both sides) a controlled therapy session might be the way to go. You're right. So should play it day by day? We still have not kissed, and I understand that is normal since we just started trying yesterday. But should I be looking out for how she's acting this next week or so? It's hard to go back to "normal" when we try again, cause normal was going home hugging her giving her a kiss and saying I love you and calling her babe all the time, ya know what I mean?
266696687 Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 I don't understand the summary of the story, a knight rapes a women? Doesn't make sense, how would I apply that to my current situation? You're right. So should play it day by day? We still have not kissed, and I understand that is normal since we just started trying yesterday. But should I be looking out for how she's acting this next week or so? It's hard to go back to "normal" when we try again, cause normal was going home hugging her giving her a kiss and saying I love you and calling her babe all the time, ya know what I mean? The point is not to go back to normal. Normal for you two didn't work. You are starting again. A new start. A different way to approach each other with more understanding and support. Why not ask her out on a date? A night out without discussing any thing relationship related. Do something romantic. See where it leads. Good luck! 1
fireflywy Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 (edited) Don't read a synopsis. Read the whole story (shouldn't be that long.) Lol There's a lesson buried in the story that the knight learns and when he finally uses the lesson, he's rewarded. http://english.fsu.edu/canterbury/wife.html Edited March 8, 2016 by fireflywy 2
BlueIris Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 How would I proceed with trying again? Just let it happen naturally and with time? I'd work on this part: You seem to think you decide and choose her future, that you own the veto. Even in your follow-up posts, you tell her what to do a lot. Think of it this way, what if she told you, “Nessrox, you can be a history professor and work at State University M-F and be home at 5:00.” Wouldn’t you think she was nuts? Wouldn’t you be confused? Work on any belief you might have that you are the boss of her and remember that anyone can walk away anytime. Good luck. 2
Els Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 (edited) her family and my family agreed she needed to wait cause she has a 6 month old baby that needs her mother at night. This kinda stood out at me. Why does the baby only need her MOTHER? In this era, most dads wake up at night with the baby as well, at least sometimes. Do you never wake up for the baby? I do not condone her cheating at all (and I think you should leave her for it), but otherwise it sounds to me like a mismatch in expectations and goals. You seem to want a very traditional wife who does all the childcare and doesn't have personal ambitions. On the other hand, it seems to me like she feels being a full-time mother is not what she wants to do with her life, hence her reaching out to try and kickstart her career. I think that two people who love each other would try to be supportive of each others' ambitions and try to work out a compromise. So yes, I think you were wrong to try and tell her she shouldn't go to school. Your concerns might be understandable, but you should have worked out a schedule with her for childcare duties (which should at least partly include you), and asked her if she thought this was feasible while going to school, and talked about other options like getting a nanny. But her choices (cheating etc) were wrong as well of course. Edit: Oh, just re-read and saw that she didn't actually cheat, and the woman offering you a BJ thing. Oooof. While that's better than cheating, I still don't agree with her rebounding that quickly (or with you putting yourself in situations where BJs are being offered to you), so I think both of you have a lot to work on. I see you've decided to try, and I hope you've learnt that you need to have two-way discussions about important things like careers. Good luck! Edited March 8, 2016 by Elswyth 2
Author nessrox Posted March 8, 2016 Author Posted March 8, 2016 Do you guys think it will be possible to "try again" with her going to school Tuesday - Friday 5-10PM and Saturday 9AM to 6PM? Does it make it harder to work on our relationship or easier because she will be occupied with something she enjoys doing? Also how do you see I should approach intimacy? Kissing? Sex? How do we get back into that? Usually after a breakup, when I get back with the girl it goes right back to the way it normally was, but I feel like this time its different? I'm not sure. I plan on asking her on a date Friday to go out Saturday Night and go miniature golfing our first date we went on, but I'm also going to take her to the beach and have a bonfire afterwards with smores, so we can just talk and look at the sky. What do you guys think?
266696687 Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 Do you guys think it will be possible to "try again" with her going to school Tuesday - Friday 5-10PM and Saturday 9AM to 6PM? Does it make it harder to work on our relationship or easier because she will be occupied with something she enjoys doing? Also how do you see I should approach intimacy? Kissing? Sex? How do we get back into that? Usually after a breakup, when I get back with the girl it goes right back to the way it normally was, but I feel like this time its different? I'm not sure. I plan on asking her on a date Friday to go out Saturday Night and go miniature golfing our first date we went on, but I'm also going to take her to the beach and have a bonfire afterwards with smores, so we can just talk and look at the sky. What do you guys think? How long is the course she is doing? Is it a short course like 6 weeks or something much longer? Of course it is possible as long as you BOTH want it and make effort. Make an agreement that Monday or Sunday is your night just for you two. Quality time together. Be interested in her course (even if you don't like the topic) ask her how it's going what work she has to do. Just learn to really talk to one another. By being open to discussing it and showing interest she will know you support her. If she's happy on the course then it should have a positive impact on the rest of her life. Just remember if she finds it stressful or too much don't push her to give it up. Ask her what you can do to help her or support her more. If she decides to leave the course or changes her mind about it be supportive. No I told you etc. Let her know it's her decision and you'll support her whatever she decides. The point is to make her choices hers with you providing supportive input - not telling her what she should or shouldn't do. And she should do the same with you! 1
Author nessrox Posted March 8, 2016 Author Posted March 8, 2016 How long is the course she is doing? Is it a short course like 6 weeks or something much longer? Of course it is possible as long as you BOTH want it and make effort. Make an agreement that Monday or Sunday is your night just for you two. Quality time together. Be interested in her course (even if you don't like the topic) ask her how it's going what work she has to do. Just learn to really talk to one another. By being open to discussing it and showing interest she will know you support her. If she's happy on the course then it should have a positive impact on the rest of her life. Just remember if she finds it stressful or too much don't push her to give it up. Ask her what you can do to help her or support her more. If she decides to leave the course or changes her mind about it be supportive. No I told you etc. Let her know it's her decision and you'll support her whatever she decides. The point is to make her choices hers with you providing supportive input - not telling her what she should or shouldn't do. And she should do the same with you! The course is 6 months long. Your right, I need to support her and also show her romance on the side and show her I'm listening to how her day/school went. Just sucks cause I wont be seeing her all day until 10PM every night and I'm afraid that could hurt us "trying again" I'm not sure. It might be good I'm not seeing her that much or it might be a bad thing... I don't know?
Author nessrox Posted March 9, 2016 Author Posted March 9, 2016 Still no kissing and its day 3 of "trying". Only slight cuddling at night in bed. And she usually only comes to sleep with me around 4 or 5am because she falls asleep somewhere else in the house, and then we slightly cuddle. However we did talk about her school for 30 minutes last night and she seemed really excited talking about it and all I did was listen and show her I was interested and support her. Am I worried that I'm expecting intimacy or kissing too soon? Sorry just feels weird because every breakup that I've gotten back together again, we usually just pick up right where we left off with instant kissing and intimacy, because we've missed each other, but we really haven't had the time to miss each other since we live together and see each other everyday. Should I be worried? I don't know if I can do this for more than 2 weeks of no intimacy Thanks.
Author nessrox Posted March 15, 2016 Author Posted March 15, 2016 (edited) [] Basically my ex fiance said "she wants to try again". She told me this a couple days after I found a new house and gave up the house we are currently in. She asked me on a date that night saying she wants to try again. It has been 9 nights since we've started trying again and have moved into the new house with our 2 children. Before saying she wants to try again she told me she had feelings for someone else that she broke off because school/kids/ and I are more important. We have not kissed since we started "trying again" and its been 9 nights but we have cuddled every night together and every day we seem to be getting closer and closer to each other. I cannot tell if she is faking "trying" because she needs a place to live or is still thinking about the other guy and doubting falling back in love with me. I talked to her about why she couldn't kiss me when I asked one night and she said its because her mind is trying but her heart can't kiss me and that it has to happen naturally, cause she doesn't want it to be a forced kiss or forced sex of intimacy. I don't even try to kiss her anymore because I am now waiting for the right moment. I can't take her on dates Tuesday-Friday cause she has school 5pm -10pm and she watches the kids in the day. Also we just moved into a new house so we have been really busy these past 9 days. However I still feel awkward that we have not kissed yet but cuddle every night, where she will put her head on my chest and her leg over my body and hug me. I can't tell if this is fake or real, or she's forcing herself to try and fall in love with me or actually still in love and just trying to become more comfortable with me. I don't know how to look at it and was wondering what you guys might think of this?? [] Thank you. Edited March 15, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator redacted discussions of other thread this post was merged into ~6
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