Author drewbee30 Posted April 9, 2016 Author Posted April 9, 2016 I've had plenty of time to really think about the end of my 8 years relationship, it's been roughly 4 months since the initial break up. Like you said, communication failure was the key, on both sides. I remember times where she would do things that I didn't appreciate, but I didn't want to seem controlling so I never mentioned it. On my end, this racked up and it eventually became a trust issue. Now that I think back, it wasn't that I didn't want to give this person all that I have to offer during the last few months of our relationship. My subconscious basically didn't think it was "worth" the effort, if that makes any sense. This was not something I was aware of at the time by the way. On her end, she's always been the type to let it build up inside anyways. Communication was poor, especially post break up. Each time we would have a conversation, she seems to have different reasons to why she wanted to break up. On top of that, she was overall confused about what she wanted. Like others have said on this forum, she's probably been confused for awhile but never expressed it to me. It was the most painful (still on going) learning experience in my life. Great post, this sounds like the same exact thing I went through. I never wanted to control her, so I let things kind of slide. She would let things build up and never express herself. It was if we both were just locked in this stalemate. I too have also come to believe that my subconscious was holding me back from completely giving my all to her. I really wanted to, especially the last couple of year, but didn't. I guess in time we will get our answers. I'm mourning more of the loss of a friend at this point than the actual relationship. Things were not that great the last 2 years. 1
BC1980 Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 I think people often hope issues will go away because it's easier than talking about them. Issues are uncomfortable to talk about. I know that I didn't bring up problems in my last relationship because I didn't want to rock the boat, and I was worried my ex wouldn't be receptive to what I was saying. I just buried stuff and hoped things would get better. He apparently did the same. I think most of us don't want to work on a relationship. We just want it to fix itself, or we want it to fall together naturally. That's not really how it works when two lives come together. I think what often happens is that we let little things go for so long that they become huge problems, and we become bitter and disgusted. At that point, it really doesn't matter because we check out emotionally. 2
Nickr3023 Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 Really nice post. I'm not so sure about "the one" phenomena, however moving forward, it'll be a lot easier for me to communicate my feelings with the other person considering how this one ended. At the first sign of a problem, you need to be able to work on it. They'll just build up over time and eventually blow. If the person isn't able to reciprocate or say what's on her mind, then I know it's time to move on to another partner. No one is a mind reader and shouldn't have to be subjected to those types of games. No absolutely not, I've just met a girl who has been completely open and honest to me about everything, and it's so refreshing. I hope you continue to become stronger and get yourself out there. 1
Satu Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 Sometimes people just aren't willing, or able, to look inside and verbalise what they see. Also, some things are not easy to put into words. From my journals: "A lot of what we have inside us - what we feel, what resonates for us, doesn't make sense when forced into these little packages called words, and dropped into the consensus reality. That doesn't mean that they are untrue - it just means that they can't survive the descent into language undiminished." One can but try. Take care. 2
swang Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 Great post, this sounds like the same exact thing I went through. I never wanted to control her, so I let things kind of slide. She would let things build up and never express herself. It was if we both were just locked in this stalemate. I too have also come to believe that my subconscious was holding me back from completely giving my all to her. I really wanted to, especially the last couple of year, but didn't. I guess in time we will get our answers. I'm mourning more of the loss of a friend at this point than the actual relationship. Things were not that great the last 2 years. Same! During the break up, I didn't go nc right away, and let it drag on for awhile. I've had to experience being dumped, given the let's be friends talk, me dropping the friendship, and finally going completely NC. The later two were initiated by me, and were more painful than the actual break up. Felt like I was losing a friend and family. 1
Author drewbee30 Posted April 11, 2016 Author Posted April 11, 2016 I cried all day today! 9 weeks since the breakup. I guess that's a good thing, means I'm progressing. 1
BikerAccnt Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 Sometimes people just aren't willing, or able, to look inside and verbalise what they see. Also, some things are not easy to put into words. From my journals: "A lot of what we have inside us - what we feel, what resonates for us, doesn't make sense when forced into these little packages called words, and dropped into the consensus reality. That doesn't mean that they are untrue - it just means that they can't survive the descent into language undiminished." One can but try. Take care. Satu this is so true, especially if you don't know why it is you don't feel right, you just know you don't. How do you express that to someone else in a way they will understand? 1
Satu Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 Breaking up is hard, no matter what the details might be. A period of grieving is natural and healthy. Don't resist it. Take care.
Satu Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 Satu this is so true, especially if you don't know why it is you don't feel right, you just know you don't. How do you express that to someone else in a way they will understand? Honestly speaking, I don't know. Its just a matter of trying... 1
Author drewbee30 Posted April 11, 2016 Author Posted April 11, 2016 Breaking up is hard, no matter what the details might be. A period of grieving is natural and healthy. Don't resist it. Take care. I'm not, I'm feeling all the pain and processing it this time. 1
Nickr3023 Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 Just keep battling. Every day gets a little easier, and before you know it, you're back to normal. But it does take time. I've been told and I now believe it, that it will take a solid 2-3 months per year that you're together to fully move on from someone. A lot of it depends on you though. If you want to feel better, then you will...if you don't, then you won't. Do everything you can to feel better though.
Author drewbee30 Posted April 12, 2016 Author Posted April 12, 2016 I don't know, I think it all depends on the persons will power and strength.
Nickr3023 Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 I don't know, I think it all depends on the persons will power and strength. It all depends on that! At some point everything will snap into place and everything will make sense.
Author drewbee30 Posted April 12, 2016 Author Posted April 12, 2016 You know I came to a realization today, (yes I'm still crying) but that empty feeling in my heart is gone. Will it come back? I guess time will tell! Progress?? Hopefully!!
Author drewbee30 Posted April 17, 2016 Author Posted April 17, 2016 I'm happy to say I've reached day 30 of NC today. It's been about 11 weeks out of a 10 year relationship. The last 2 weren't so hot. Our biggest issue, failure to communicate. I'd be lieing if I said I'm back to %100, but I'm slowly beginning to gain some of myself back. I look back to those first couple weeks and can say I've come such a long way. This past Monday/Tuesday, I shed a lot of tears. I needed it. It was almost like I cleansed myself. I still miss her, and as I'm lying in bed right now, wish she was lying next to me, but I also know that better things are awaiting me. I'm looking forward to hitting day 60 and then once again looking back and seeing where I am at. I'm going to start counseling next week, just to pick at myself a little. See why I act certain ways in a relationship. I want to give my %100 all to the next person that walks into my life. If I could give one piece of advice to anyone that has recently broken up, if you want to give it one more shot go ahead! (I personally felt better knowing I went down swinging!) Key word being ONE! If the dumper says no, immediately go into NC! It's going to be hard and it's going to suck, but it'll get easier. You slowly begin to eat more, you sleep more, things that once made you laugh and smile begin to again. The waves of emotion space out and get smaller and smaller. It's scary thinking about having to start over again, but it's also exhilarating. Knowing that you're now one step closer to the person you're meant to be with. We all hoped our former lover would be that "one", but the quicker you let that thought go, the better off you'll be. (Easier said than done, I know. I still have some thoughts about her traveling through the Caribbean with me.). At the present time though, it's just not meant to be that way! Hang in there everyone, just think to yourself as each day passes you're closer to the next person that will truely make you happy. If this person was the "one", do you really think they'd make us feel the way we did? I'm looking forward to posting again when I hit day 60! Cheers! 5
RocketQueen Posted April 17, 2016 Posted April 17, 2016 Thanks for this. Its amazing how on this site you come across certain posts at a time when you need it the most. Its great to hear something positive from something that is so upsetting. Sounds like you're on the right path- I hope to be on it myself too! I'll be looking forward to your next installment!
Author drewbee30 Posted April 28, 2016 Author Posted April 28, 2016 Well I finally took the next step in my recovery tonight. I'm almost 3 months broken up out of a 10 year relationship. The last 2 being crappy. Anyways I broke down tonight and cried. It's been brewing the last couple days, so I knew it was coming. Anyways, I finally decided to block her contact info on my phone. No calls, no emails, no texts. I told myself enough is enough. I'm tired of letting a person make me feel like this. I need to take back control of me. Hoping this is just another small step in my healing. I'm starting therapy in 2 weeks and I'm looking really forward to seeing why I act certain ways in a relationship. My friends wife told me "the next girl you meet is going to thank you for seeking help!"
Author drewbee30 Posted May 6, 2016 Author Posted May 6, 2016 I come to find out last night that she is now moving to Maine from NJ on June 1st. 4 months out of a 10 year relationship and she’s high tailing it out of town? She’s transferring to a new position with her job. There’s a small part of me that is happy for her, because I know she has been miserable with things the past couple of years. She never spoke to me about it, but I could just tell. There’s another part of me that says she’s running away. She hated the cold and snow. Good luck in Maine! I feel like I lived nothing but a lie the past 3 years. Shame on me for not walking away 2 years ago when I knew it just wasn’t working. Shame on her for also dragging this on for longer than it should have. I always knew that she was sort of this career driven girl, so now I’m beginning to believe she was trying to make herself into someone that she thought I wanted her to be. The puzzle pieces are beginning to slowly fall into place now. I’m starting to realize why I didn’t give her all of my heart. She went on 2 out of state interviews while we were together, but passed on both. Maybe I should’ve seen the signs back then! Momentum is starting to build for me in a good way. I just hope I can keep it up! Therapy begins Tuesday, I can’t wait!
sorano Posted May 6, 2016 Posted May 6, 2016 I hear ya man. I also felt I was in a lie with my ex. I went above and beyond for this girl and then at the end, she told me it was just a fantasy and left me. One huge lie. I am not even sure I can go above and beyond for another woman. Not sure I have that in me anymore. I know how you feel man. I hope the therapy will work out. I still have to find a good therapist bc I need some answers myself. Its been one huge fog for me these past 4 months. My ex has moved on. she doesn't even care what she did. I hope her new bf has a lot of patience bc she is a handful. Hang in there man
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