drewbee30 Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 Well here I sit 1 month and a 1/2 later, out of a 10 year relationship with who I thought was my best friend. She gave me a lot the first 7 years of our relationship while I got my s... together. Unfortunately for the last 3, as I got my s... together she was checking out of the relationship. I knew for the past 2 years things were slipping away, but when you're in such a long relationship you figure they'll just snap back. Our biggest problem, COMMUNICATION! I question a lot if she cheated, but really have no way of finding out. Pretty much a lot of the little things just blew up for her and she broke it off! Did NC for 21 days till I reached out. Non communication was our biggest problem, so I figured I'd try and break that habit. We talked for 5 hours and it was like we didn't even miss a beat, but in her head, she's checked out. Here I am back at day 14 of NC. Maybe its best we just go our separate ways for now. I've been through heartbreak before, a blind sided breakup at the age of 24 after 1 year and 1/2. Here I sit at 36 having never thought I'd be in this position again. Does it hurt as much as the first one? Not at all, but it's not easy. Some days I feel empty, other days I feel anger towards her. I'm dealing with all of this head on and facing all my emotions. It's like I'm stuck in this fog, while the earth continues to spin. I get it time heals and all the other random sayings, but this feeling still sucks. The only bright side is I know how much stronger and better I will be once I come out of this fog. I read a great quote this morning: "Anyone who doesn't have the good sense to recognize what you have to offer doesn't deserve your time. Anyone who missed that point hasn't fully enjoyed the offering of your love." We are both to blame for the breakup! Like others, I'm searching for what I truely miss. The love, companionship, safety net? Was she just a 10 year drug addiction? Good luck to everyone out there. If we all stick together, we will be in a better place in time. Cheers guys! 2
basil67 Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 I knew for the past 2 years things were slipping away, but when you're in such a long relationship you figure they'll just snap back. I'm so sorry you've found yourself in this position. Take some time and grieve this relationship. And then learn from it. This bit about a relationship just snapping back.....I assume you now know that relationships don't work this way? After she waited 7 years for you to get it together, those last two years was when you really needed to give back to her. Relationships don't just need communication - they need to be nurtured. 1
Author drewbee30 Posted March 16, 2016 Author Posted March 16, 2016 I'm so sorry you've found yourself in this position. Take some time and grieve this relationship. And then learn from it. Relationships don't just need communication - they need to be nurtured. %100 agreed! Thank you 1
Satu Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 A clip from my journals: People grieve for what they had and lost, and they also grieve for what they needed and wanted, but didn't get. Its often both. Grief is a noble thing, but it should not become permanent, or settled state of being. Do your grieving and move on. Take care. 2
andie1969 Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 I'm sorry. I feel you at the some days you feel empty, other days anger. If only we had just one emotion to work through in these situations! 2
kztar Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 OMG im so sorry you're going through this. Were you guys married ? At least it doesn't hurt as bad as the first one. You'll get through it. But personally, I find it hard to walk away after all that time invested. 1
Author drewbee30 Posted March 16, 2016 Author Posted March 16, 2016 OMG im so sorry you're going through this. Were you guys married ? At least it doesn't hurt as bad as the first one. You'll get through it. But personally, I find it hard to walk away after all that time invested. Not married, we didn't want that. Long backstory, pretty much a failure to communicate and nurture were the downfall of it. I've tried twice to reach out and work on things. At some point you need to wipe your hands clean and move on. There are days I think to reach out just one more time, but you read the same thing from every poster. 99 out of 100 times it just isn't worth it. Why revisit the same wounds? 1
Author drewbee30 Posted April 3, 2016 Author Posted April 3, 2016 So I'm about 8 weeks out of a 10 year relationship. I'm finding Sunday's to be the hardest day. I seem to pick up momentum during the week with positive thoughts only to seem to crash on Sunday's and start all over again. We used to spend our Sunday's together, so I'm thinking that may be triggering these depressing thoughts. I know what I need to do, but just find it hard. Anyone else have a day where things just seem to cave in?
Penguin_hugs Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 I know the feeling- I'm always worse when I have time off work- particularly if I have a whole weekend off. It helps to make a plan for those days- find something new to do on a Sunday, meet up with a friend for coffee, visit a particular place etc. Find yourself a new Sunday tradition. I found I became really down and depressed whenever I had a period of time off work. I had to take my last few days of holiday at the end of March as it was pretty much forced- so I planned a really last minute trip to Germany to see family and I found it was really the best thing I could have done. Really spurred me on again and made me feel better about my situation.
TheSwanGirl Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 Me too. He broke up with me on a sunday, so I hold on to this day like the worst day of the week. I tend to cry on the shower, on the metro, on the bus, on the bed, on the computer... Sunday is the worst.
Jason9 Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 Someone mentioned the weekend, I definitely have a lot of spells of feeling down on the weekend mainly due to having more time to think and because we used to spend the weekend together. I do see my friends, but sometimes they are busy, so Im stuck at home just thinking.
Author drewbee30 Posted April 3, 2016 Author Posted April 3, 2016 My friends can only be there so much. It's sucks watching the world around you continuing on as you're stuck in the muck! 5
TheSwanGirl Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 My friends can only be there so much. It's sucks watching the world around you continuing on as you're stuck in the muck! I can relate to this 110%
YWGMan Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 Weekends are the worst, do not stay in bed or at home. Go see family and friends, go for a run or walk, volunteer, read a book, go to your local coffee shop and indulge some latte, cappucino or some hot chocolate, find something to do and create new routines and i promise you'll get better in time. Take care.
Rachel39 Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 I have always struggled with weekends after any break ups, and still do. It's so hard I went away at the weekend to visit family 4 hour drive there... And back ...I felt so down i just wanted to come home but I didn't. It's been 3 months I guess I was still holding on to hope that he would be back but that's now slipping away.
andie1969 Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 I totally get it! He broke up with me via phone on a Sunday as well, and yes, we usually spent our weekends together. It's been so hard! I know I need to get out more and not sit at home, but the weather this weekend was so crummy I had no energy to do anything. I also don't want to go to any of the places we went to together... Starting this coming weekend I'm going to switch up my routine, I'm going to force myself to do it, no more moping!!
kasop Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 Yeah pretty much everyday i wake up without her by my side. (We lived together) its gotten better though after 3 months. Keep on keeping on.
Author drewbee30 Posted April 9, 2016 Author Posted April 9, 2016 So the number one reason my 10 year relationship ended, was the lack of communication. I've questioned every day for the past 8 weeks why we just couldn't talk about our issues over the past couple of years. Was it that subconsciously we knew what the outcome would be? I'm talking now to everyone about everything. From what I've heard she is still not really verbally communicating about our relationship other than it just didn't work out. The two times we met, I apologized for all of my mistakes, but she still didn't really open up to me. To others that have had a communication breakdown end a relationship, what was your thought process in not being able to communicate with your significant other? Were we just stonewalling each other? 1
mightycpa Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 So the number one reason my 10 year relationship ended, was the lack of communication. I've questioned every day for the past 8 weeks why we just couldn't talk about our issues over the past couple of years. Was it that subconsciously we knew what the outcome would be? I'm talking now to everyone about everything. From what I've heard she is still not really verbally communicating about our relationship other than it just didn't work out. The two times we met, I apologized for all of my mistakes, but she still didn't really open up to me. To others that have had a communication breakdown end a relationship, what was your thought process in not being able to communicate with your significant other? Were we just stonewalling each other?Isn't is usually a fear of where the conversation will go? A lot of it depends on the issues. Maybe you don't want to hurt the partner, so you'll put up with things you don't like, but passively/aggressively express your displeasure anyway. Maybe you're just immature, and are afraid of speaking up. Or maybe it is habit brought from your own family, and you've never been trained in how to do it right. Or maybe you've tried it, and it's like talking to a brick wall, or worse, it escalates into something worse than the thing that bothered you. Who knows? That she's not talking still doesn't mean much. Maybe she blames you completely, but doesn't want to trash you. Or maybe she just doesn't talk about stuff. Either way, now that you're a chatty Cathy about things that bother you, you can find someone who shares the desire to talk it all out. 2
Author drewbee30 Posted April 9, 2016 Author Posted April 9, 2016 Thanks for the reply. I think it was a little bit of everything. I didn't want to hurt her feelings on some subjects and it def is a family trait brought over from my fathers side. I also have a feeling we maybe both knew it was time to move on, but held onto to something that just wasn't there anymore. I guess the main point of the post was more to just pick the minds of other people where communication failed! 1
Rachel39 Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 I'd say my relationship ended due to my ex not communications or talking through problems. We actually never had any major ones at all but he just wouldn't talk. I loved and adored him I still do but he won't even talk to me and it's been 3 months. It's hard to let go when you had no real problems 2
Author drewbee30 Posted April 9, 2016 Author Posted April 9, 2016 Unfortunately we both didn't talk to each other. 1
Nickr3023 Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 Unfortunately I'd say that's why 99% of relationships end. We're becoming worse and worse at communicating our true feelings to avoid any uncomfortable conversations. That's why people just end up cheating. Instead of saying they're unhappy, they'd rather just continue to be unhappy and then find comfort in someone else....instead of just talking with the person they love and explaining to them the issues. I'm sorry your long relationship ended. I had a 9 year relationship end a few years ago. I hope that when you find "the one" communication is just natural and easy....but I'm not really sure. 3
Author drewbee30 Posted April 9, 2016 Author Posted April 9, 2016 Unfortunately I'd say that's why 99% of relationships end. We're becoming worse and worse at communicating our true feelings to avoid any uncomfortable conversations. That's why people just end up cheating. Instead of saying they're unhappy, they'd rather just continue to be unhappy and then find comfort in someone else....instead of just talking with the person they love and explaining to them the issues. I'm sorry your long relationship ended. I had a 9 year relationship end a few years ago. I hope that when you find "the one" communication is just natural and easy....but I'm not really sure. Really nice post. I'm not so sure about "the one" phenomena, however moving forward, it'll be a lot easier for me to communicate my feelings with the other person considering how this one ended. At the first sign of a problem, you need to be able to work on it. They'll just build up over time and eventually blow. If the person isn't able to reciprocate or say what's on her mind, then I know it's time to move on to another partner. No one is a mind reader and shouldn't have to be subjected to those types of games. 1
swang Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 I've had plenty of time to really think about the end of my 8 years relationship, it's been roughly 4 months since the initial break up. Like you said, communication failure was the key, on both sides. I remember times where she would do things that I didn't appreciate, but I didn't want to seem controlling so I never mentioned it. On my end, this racked up and it eventually became a trust issue. Now that I think back, it wasn't that I didn't want to give this person all that I have to offer during the last few months of our relationship. My subconscious basically didn't think it was "worth" the effort, if that makes any sense. This was not something I was aware of at the time by the way. On her end, she's always been the type to let it build up inside anyways. Communication was poor, especially post break up. Each time we would have a conversation, she seems to have different reasons to why she wanted to break up. On top of that, she was overall confused about what she wanted. Like others have said on this forum, she's probably been confused for awhile but never expressed it to me. It was the most painful (still on going) learning experience in my life. 1
Recommended Posts