strongerthanbefore Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 Hi all, First time poster and wanted to get some opinions from people. One month ago today (yes, the day after Valentines), my ex boyfriend dumped me via text message. We had only been together for 4 months, but it still hurt really bad, especially because he had been the one to ask if he could be my boyfriend, the one to say "I love you" and the one to talk about us moving in together. For the record, he had introduced me to all his friends and coworkers as his partner. Our relationship was Facebook official (if that means anything). I think one of the things that had made it so hard is that he said "he was tired of leading me on" and that he "had decided several weeks prior" that we were going to break up, but things kept coming up. I felt really disrespected by the whole situation. He didn't provide me any concrete reasons and there was nothing inherently wrong with our relationship. He claimed an ex was sending mixed signals, but I don't buy it. Anywho, about two weeks ago (two weeks NC) out of the blue at 2:00 AM he sent me a text saying and I quote: "I realized how much I hurt you. I think we both knew that it wasn't working out. I'm sorry that I ended our relationship the way I did. I know you're probably in a lot of mixture of feelings. And i'm sorry that I put you in that situation." I wasn't buying this so I said: "Why did you send this to me? What do you want from me?" then said "You know what, we never talked about this in person, so let's meet." We met at the Starbucks by my office and he immediately began crying. I offered him the chance to fix things and he initially said "I think we should take a bre...don't you see that it will just happen again?" This part broke my heart. He asked me what I wanted from him and I said: "I just want my boyfriend back and the memories we had together." His response was: "Don't you see that he's never coming back?" I then politely informed him: "Well I thought you deserved the respect of knowing that I have gone on casual dates with one or two people." He said: "You deserve it. Just know that I haven't met anyone or banged anyone yet." He had a smug look on his face the whole time. I knew he was lying. At this moment, I looked down at his phone and it was lighting up with Tinder notifications. I looked him in the eye and said: "I don't need this in my life anymore" and then got up and walked away. That was two weeks ago and we have been NC ever since. Even though I shouldn't want him back, I do. Help loveshack.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 I'm sorry for your pain, OP. I have a suspicion that he wanted to meet up not really to apologize but perhaps to see if you might be open to a more casual FWB arrangement. I say that because he asked what you want from him. I can't help but wonder if he was putting out the feelers. You did the right thing by walking away from him. There was no need to speak any further. Keep up No Contact. It will sting for a while but know that you will eventually hurt less and less.
Raina314 Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 He doesn't know where his feelings are at. Or he wants them to be somewhere they're just not. My ex left me in a very similar way, minus the Tinder and other girls. We dated for a year and he introduced me to everyone in his life as his girlfriend and was great in a lot of ways, but then one day he just told me in tears that he couldn't see us going any further and needed a break. After the break, he came back and told me he just couldn't feel it anymore and couldn't invest emotionally and was really sorry for leading me on and hurting me etc... This guy sounds like he might be having similar feelings. It's a lack of emotional maturity, and even though I know it may not make you feel any better right now, please know that that isn't your fault and has nothing to do with you. There's nothing those Tinder girls have that you don't, it's all on him, and that's why he feels the need to apologize. Part of him knows he's wronged you and he had a guilty conscience. Often, I think they just want to meet up and say sorry so they get to feel like a "good guy" again, because guilt is a sucky thing to be stuck with. Don't feel bad for wanting him back, I still have many days where I want the same, a lot of us do, regardless of where the relationship was going or how good or bad it was. Accept those feelings, just don't let them carry you too far away from the rest of your life. Something better will come along. 2
Author strongerthanbefore Posted March 16, 2016 Author Posted March 16, 2016 (edited) Thanks guys. I cried so hard last night. I thought it would get easier, but it isn't. The first few weeks felt great, now I miss him so much. I know I shouldn't, but no contact is so hard. I just want him to come back to me and don't understand why he won't. When we talked before he said he cares about me a lot. Edited March 16, 2016 by strongerthanbefore
Author strongerthanbefore Posted March 23, 2016 Author Posted March 23, 2016 (edited) Hi everyone, Ex dumped me the day after Valentines by text after spending the weekend with me. Classy, right? It was totally out of the blue. I had suspected something might have been up, because he had spoken about an ex sniffing around a few weeks prior, but took him at his word when he said things were ok. Two weeks NC, he texts me at 2 AM saying how sorry he is. I respond with "Why did you send this?" and then say "You know what, let's just meet and discuss this.". We met in person because our offices were close and he comes to me and starts bawling from the second he saw me. I gave him the option of trying to get back together and he rejected it. I responded with: "Then I can hold my head high and say that you're the one who gave up on us, not me.", to which he conceded that I was right. He seemed pretty adamant about us not getting back together. Afterward I said: "I thought I would give you the respect of telling you that I am casually going on dates and don't want it to come as a surprise to you if I end up with one of them." The response I got was: "I want you to know I haven't banged or hooked up with anyone.". At that moment, I looked down and saw his phone lighting up with Tinder notifications. I looked back up at him and he had this smirk on his face. At this point I was just irritated. Stood up. Looked him in the eye and said: "I don't need this **** in my life anymore." and walked away. Haven't heard a peep from him since. My life has been going well. I've been taking a lot of time for myself, focusing on friends, focusing on me. I'm trying to do everything right. I still find myself thinking about him a lot though and am wondering: "What was it that was wrong with me?" or "Why won't he just come back?". I think part of this thinking comes from the fact that i've gone on dates with people and no one seems to have the chemistry with me that my ex and I had. I accept that he is a lier and a cheater and don't want him back, but want the personality (good traits) that he has back. I even tried doing a random hookup yesterday. It was amazing for both of us and afterward I was good for about 3 or 4 hours, but then the feelings came back. Help? We've been NC since we met two and a half weeks ago and I just want him back... Edited March 23, 2016 by strongerthanbefore
smudge21 Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 It's only been 20 days or so... for some people that would be a short break during a relationship rather than a long period of no contact. Give it more time and accept that it takes as long as it takes. Also, random hook ups won't replace what you had with him. Despite the fact he was clearly a moron, and these others guys may be nice, you still had a deep long term connection with him that won't just go away. We all heal differently, in different ways and different times. You just have to stick with it and do whatever it is that takes your mind off of him and the past. Besides, would you really want him back, or is it the fantasy of him you want back - the nice perfect guy that he clearly isn't anymore. 1
Heatemyheart89 Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 Ya, this is a normal reaction. Give it time, you will be okay.
Charlie99909 Posted March 24, 2016 Posted March 24, 2016 I'm in the same boat. It's been a month since I last saw her and almost 3 weeks since we talked. Even though I've realized that I'm clinging to a memory of the girl I knew before she started to turn and became distant. It hurts and we always look to ourselves for blame. It's cliche, but the strength does come from working on yourself. Now if only I could learn that.
dyna85 Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 I accept that he is a liar and a cheater and don't want him back, but want the personality (good traits) that he has back. You can't have the good qualities of someone without the bad. So then.. do you really want someone who is a lowlife liar and cheater? Doubt it. Now.. girl, he dumped you the day after Valentine's day! Via text no less... If that isn't a sign that this guy is a loser who is unworthy of your time to nth degree, I don't know what is. Oh, and the fact that he was getting tinder msgs in your presence.. another classy move on his part. Forget about him. He's not worth it and I feel sorry for any other woman with whom he crosses paths. You're lucky you saw his true colors sooner rather than later (though you didn't mention how long you were dating, hopefully it wasn't too long). The fact that you want him back just means that you're longing for those good parts of him that you've idealized in your mind. Reread your post. There's nothing to miss.
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