Texts from ex

March 15, 2016

So I'll keep this short, kinda dated a guy for maybe 5-6 months. We broke up over a year ago. either way we had gotten kinda serious but he abruptly kinda ended it(tho I may know why). I think he's had a long fear of committment but he always just says he didn't feel love with me. We had a messy start too where he would contact me sporadically Etc. Anyway, we had a pretty messy break up, I did all the wrong things, asked him back, asked him for friendship etc, all of which he said no to and that he didn't want to give me hope or lead me on etc. so we stopped contact. But every so often, I would randomly text him, holiday or birthdays etc, to which he would respond kindly but never reciprocated. I loved him then , love him now, I think I always will.

Flash forward a year or so later, and he's kind of been texting me too, initiated a few times and we text a little and then he ignores me again. This has gone on a few months since January or so. I finally got fed up being ignored so I promised myself no more, that I wouldn't keep trying with him and initiating convo. But then a few days back, he sends me some silly text again, to which I just laughed off.

I guess I'm just wondering what's it mean? Is he just bored for the last 3 months? Or is he just slowly getting his feet wet? I don't get it.

Edited March 15, 2016 by Girlwithquestions

March 15, 2016

- kinda dated a guy for maybe 5-6 months
- kinda serious but he abruptly kinda ended it(tho I may know why). - - he's had a long fear of committment
- he always just says he didn't feel love with me
- we had a messy start too where he would contact me sporadically Etc
- we had a pretty messy break up
- I did all the wrong things, asked him back, asked him for friendship etc, all of which he said no

I loved him the , love him now, I think I always well.

It was a "kinda" 5-6 month relationship. What is it that you love about him seeing that it was a few months of up and down. Messy start. Messy break. Doesn't seem like there was much quality in your 5-6 month relationship.

It doesn't always mean "love" when you can't break an attachment to someone.

I guess I'm just wondering what's it mean? Is he just bored for the last 3 months? Or is he just slowly getting his feet wet? I don't get it.

It means nothing. Sometimes it's nice to get an ego stroke, some attention from someone he knows or maybe wants to know is still pining for him. Or sometimes just bored.

You should cut him from your life. These cat and mouse games have left you stuck for over a year. If you had established boundaries and a determination to move on from someone that didn't want to be with you, you would likely be living life now in a very different mindset.

Edited March 15, 2016 by Zahara

March 15, 2016

Yeah i mean there was obviously more to the relationship, there were reasons and qualities I loved about him. That's besides the point, I kind of figured he might just be bored or wants an ego stroke. I believe that. It's just, for a longgg time I did no contact. I just never feel like I get over him. I've dated a lot etc, it's just I never feel the same way about anyone like I did with him. So many days I just feel asexual, like I don't even want to meet anyone or even like anyone ever. It's been a long time since our split too. Even now, I'm sort of dating a really normal guy, and he's not annoying or anything except that he responds fast. And I don't want to talk to him. Or anyone. It's like I feel like I lost the ability to love or connect with someone. Is this normal? Because it's been like this for a long time.

March 15, 2016

Yeah i mean there was obviously more to the relationship, there were reasons and qualities I loved about him. That's besides the point, I kind of figured he might just be bored or wants an ego stroke. I believe that. It's just, for a longgg time I did no contact. I just never feel like I get over him. I've dated a lot etc, it's just I never feel the same way about anyone like I did with him. So many days I just feel asexual, like I don't even want to meet anyone or even like anyone ever. It's been a long time since our split too. Even now, I'm sort of dating a really normal guy, and he's not annoying or anything except that he responds fast. And I don't want to talk to him. Or anyone. It's like I feel like I lost the ability to love or connect with someone. Is this normal? Because it's been like this for a long time.

You had another thread about him getting married? Is he married?

Dumpers often revisit dumpees. If there isn't anything significant mentioned during contact, then it's just breadcrumbs.

Well, it's only been since January that you've stopped contact. It's going to take much longer for you to detach because you stayed in sporadic contact for awhile. You never really gave yourself a chance to completely let go, to really heal -- and that takes a lot of time with strict NC.

Maybe you should stop dating. Focus that time in improving yourself and actually healing versus trying to find another man to take his place. You're still emotionally attached to this guy and no matter who you meet you're likely going to compare and that will only turn you off -- which you've felt as you've tried to date or get you into another bad relationship because of your need to attach to a man again.

Edited March 15, 2016 by Zahara

March 15, 2016

So I'll keep this short, kinda dated a guy for maybe 5-6 months. We broke up over a year ago. either way we had gotten kinda serious but he abruptly kinda ended it(tho I may know why). I think he's had a long fear of committment but he always just says he didn't feel love with me. We had a messy start too where he would contact me sporadically Etc. Anyway, we had a pretty messy break up, I did all the wrong things, asked him back, asked him for friendship etc, all of which he said no to and that he didn't want to give me hope or lead me on etc. so we stopped contact. But every so often, I would randomly text him, holiday or birthdays etc, to which he would respond kindly but never reciprocated. I loved him then , love him now, I think I always will.

Flash forward a year or so later, and he's kind of been texting me too, initiated a few times and we text a little and then he ignores me again. This has gone on a few months since January or so. I finally got fed up being ignored so I promised myself no more, that I wouldn't keep trying with him and initiating convo. But then a few days back, he sends me some silly text again, to which I just laughed off.

I guess I'm just wondering what's it mean? Is he just bored for the last 3 months? Or is he just slowly getting his feet wet? I don't get it.

He doesn't have any options and is bored . . . throw a bucket of water on him so that it's not just his feet that are wet.

March 15, 2016

Yeah turns out he's not married.

Yeah maybe I'll stop dating because I just feel like I don't like anyone. And I did stop dating for a while, but I just felt like I was dwelling and I couldn't move on without liking someone else so I started again. I just feel like I'm at a loss of how to let him go. I guess it's the hope, whether it's contact or no contact, I have this hope in me that somehow we will end up together, especially since we are both single. And I just don't know how to let go of that hope in order to fully let him go.

March 15, 2016

Yeah turns out he's not married.

Yeah maybe I'll stop dating because I just feel like I don't like anyone. And I did stop dating for a while, but I just felt like I was dwelling and I couldn't move on without liking someone else so I started again. I just feel like I'm at a loss of how to let him go. I guess it's the hope, whether it's contact or no contact, I have this hope in me that somehow we will end up together, especially since we are both single. And I just don't know how to let go of that hope in order to fully let him go.

I stopped hanging my hat, time, thoughts on maybe's a long time ago and focus on what I have on my plate, right in front of me all the time -- job, friends, family, hobbies/interests and most of all ME.

March 15, 2016

Yeah turns out he's not married.

It gives you even more reason to cut him out. Why even question his motive for reaching out?

Yeah maybe I'll stop dating because I just feel like I don't like anyone. And I did stop dating for a while, but I just felt like I was dwelling and I couldn't move on without liking someone else so I started again.

That's the worse reason to date. 1) You're emotionally unavailable. 2) It's unfair to those coming to the table ready to date and find a relationship (the current guy you're seeing). 3) You will likely make a bad choice because your head and heart is clouded 4) finding a replacement isn't the right way to escape your pain.

I just feel like I'm at a loss of how to let him go. I guess it's the hope, whether it's contact or no contact, I have this hope in me that somehow we will end up together, especially since we are both single. And I just don't know how to let go of that hope in order to fully let him go.

Block. Block. Block. Strict NC. It's a choice.

He's married so it's a dead end. It's over. Time to move on.

March 16, 2016

I think you misread, he's NOT married.

Either way, I did strict no contact for a long time etc. there's no pain or heart broken from the relationship anymore. I don't miss him or long for him or cry. It's just like I feel like I lost the capacity to love or like someone. I've had two pretty hard heartbreaks, so I don't feel able to love anymore. I feel indifferent when I meet anyone now. There's no excitement or anything ever. No matter how cute or funny or anything. perhaps I just need time being single and strict no contact like you all said. A lot more time.

And yeah now that I think about it, he's probably just bored and texting as a time pass. I'll ignore from now on. All of his relationships, he's never been able to commit or define. I think the issue is him and committment.

I just dislike this indifferent asexual feeling I have all the time.

Edited March 16, 2016 by Girlwithquestions

March 16, 2016

No matter how cute or funny or anything. perhaps I just need time being single and strict no contact like you all said. A lot more time.

Yes, dating is only magnifying your issues. It would be best to stay away from it and focus on investing in yourself. It doesn't sound healthy or rational the attachment that you still have for someone that played a relatively short role in your life, especially when it wasn't even a stable 5-6 months. A year later, you should be in a very different mindset.

And block him. There would be no use being accessible to him when you're trying to detach. All it does it distract you and keep you stuck. If you truly want to break your bond to him, remove him completely.

March 16, 2016

Wow everyone seems so harsh about this...

Girl I 100% understand you!! Even tho our situations differ slightly it's not by too much and I get you. My relationship was short lived as well yet it it was me and my ex's first serious relationship. And here I am 6 months later still liking and missing him a lot. Do not feel guilty for feeling this way. There's nothing wrong with it. You're human and everyone feels differently. Short relationships can have a lot of meaning depending what went on in the relationship.

I personally think your ex is getting his feet wet but then again idk what he texted you. I don't want you to get your hopes though. If you want him back, keep the ball rolling for awhile and see where it takes you. Talk with no expectations but being civil so he doesn't feel any pressure. And after a couple of conversations then work your way talking about it. I'm serious though, the key is to not have expectations or else communicating will be hell.

March 16, 2016

Aw thanks jayy, yeah, you can't help who you love. Some people stay with each other 5 years and never love each other and some fall in love in 6 months. There's no time on it. Thank you so much!

Ahh, I don't know about him getting his feet wet, I mean I would think that way if his convo had any substance and he ever continued it. But it's always some shock value type of thing he thinks is funny or something, and then he just fades out responding. Granted we sort of started dating like this(but he fought like hell for me when I initially walked away from this kind of contact from him). Whatever it is, I think he's just bored and likes the attention. either way, I have no expectations at all, because I know he's not interested. But, I just can't keep making a fool of myself with him.

March 16, 2016

My relationship also started and ended in a messy way. Oh so he's just randomly texting you? Well I have no clue, maybe he's lonely? That's weird. My ex has also behaved similarly and I've probably been made a fool by this. I don't wanna do it anymore but it's hard to pull back sometimes.

Maybe the next time he texts you, you could just ask him? Usually guys don't just pop in and out unless they have a plan behind it whether it's dating, friendship or FWB. Maybe there's something going on in his life and talks to you if he has that comfort and openness?

March 16, 2016

Maybe there's something going on in his life and talks to you if he has that comfort and openness?

Who cares if he feels he can count on you for comfort and openness, or whatever his needs are. What matters is, if contact affects you emotionally and mentally, and if it keeps you from moving forward, then you stay away from it.

It's called self-preservation. Being accessible to men that blow hot and cold and investing your emotional energy pondering on their needs is why you end up being stuck and unable to completely move on.

Edited March 16, 2016 by Zahara

March 16, 2016

I'm sure he has a need in messaging me, whether its boredom ego stroke lonely etc. I'm sure. I think the only reason I entertained his message and contact was because in the course of our relationship, I always felt like I pushed and asked for clarity instead of letting things progress slowly and letting him feel comfortable and open up to me at his own pace. Which is sometimes why I think we broke up to begin with. So it's just something I regretted a lot. Perhaps that's why now when he messages me, I wonder if he's just testing the waters and trying to get comfortable in his own stupid way. And if that's the case, then I know I won't feel settled until I give it a chance and let it play out. It's the regrets and what ifs that have kept me stuck.

That being said, I need to respect myself and not be okay with this kind of behavior because I deserve more than his random two sentence texts when he wants and ignoring me and dropping me anytime he wants.

March 16, 2016

Hun, I've been through a few long term relationships, a couple of short term relationships, a marriage, a divorce and having been through tremendous hurt and pain, sometimes through hell and back several times -- I'm telling you these things from experience -- the best thing you can do for yourself, especially with a man that is blowing hot and cold is to move on.

If he felt any differently for you, or even had a regret for how things ended up and is maybe reconsidering, he'll come for you. His contact is insignificant, unreliable and inconsistent. Your relationship with him started off badly and ended up badly. It isn't all your fault in that you felt you were pushing him. His ambiguity is likely also the cause of you feeling anxious and uncertain. And that will start to snowball. I've been in relationships with men that could not commit and it made me anxious and I constantly doubted myself. And with that caused me to chase, push and try to make things go my way. These are the relationships you do not want to be in because if it's already starting out badly, trust there won't be longevity because it isn't healthy.

Stop blaming yourself for the demise of your relationship. It takes two.

If you want to get over this, block him and start focusing 150% on yourself. The past is never going to help you rebuild your future if you constantly keep looking over your shoulder. There's so much more out there for you. Don't let this 5-6 months of your life hamper the years you have ahead of you.

Self-respect. Dignity. Most importantly, loving yourself enough to realize that you deserve more.

Edited March 16, 2016 by Zahara

March 16, 2016

Wow yeah zahara, everything you say is 200% true, more than you can imagine. It sounds like you went through so much more of what I am going through too.

Logically, I know you are entirely correct but despite knowing that, why is it that I still can't let this unfinished unsettled feeling go? I just think to myself that maybe if I let this play out and i can realize on my own that I did everything I could, without feeling like i was too pushy or needy etc, then I will feel the closure and mental satisfaction knowing that I have no regrets and the issue wasn't me. But I can't say that, so I feel stuck and hopeful and hence I entertain his inconsistent texts. And it's been like this for a long time.

But perhaps that's just a mental challenge I need to overcome. Perhaps it's having enough self worth that I need to work on. Thank you so much. I hope I can get past this mental roadblock I feel of regret and unfinished business.

March 16, 2016

It sounds like you went through so much more of what I am going through too.

Hurt is hurt. No matter the circumstance so this isn't about who went through more or less but to push you to learn from those that have experienced these types of dysfunction so that you don't put up with it.

Logically, I know you are entirely correct but despite knowing that, why is it that I still can't let this unfinished unsettled feeling go?

You can't let it go because you've managed your emotions by staying in contact and by trying to fill your void by seeking/dating other men. You've never really given yourself the chance to grieve or heal by working through the pain and hurt. From pain comes growth. Rather you chose to stay stagnant. You stayed accessible because you were keeping hope alive -- in the back of your mind still nurturing the thought of "just maybe". You never allowed yourself to let go -- to go through the true process of grief, healing and moving on. And dating -- all you were doing was trying to find a man to fill a vacant spot in your soul. Even at this moment, you're kinda dating some guy you're not really interested in. Why? Because you're trying to find a replacement. You are the only one that can fill that void. That is why I said to you -- stop dating and start focusing on really healing and moving on from this. Invest the time in rebuilding your self-esteem.

I just think to myself that maybe if I let this play out and i can realize on my own that I did everything I could, without feeling like i was too pushy or needy etc, then I will feel the closure and mental satisfaction knowing that I have no regrets and the issue wasn't me. But I can't say that, so I feel stuck and hopeful and hence I entertain his inconsistent texts. And it's been like this for a long time.

You answered your own question as to why you can't move on.

But perhaps that's just a mental challenge I need to overcome. Perhaps it's having enough self worth that I need to work on. Thank you so much. I hope I can get past this mental roadblock I feel of regret and unfinished business.

It isn't unfinished business. It's finished. He even said he never really loved you. The relationship wasn't healthy for you. This isn't love you feel but rather your ego and self-esteem struggling to get over the rejection and until you receive his validation, you'll always keep tying your self-worth to that rejection. It was because of me he ended, it was because I was xyz, it was because I did abc -- this isn't about him, it's about self-blame. I don't even think you really love him but more so you're consumed with self-blame and you desperately need to rewrite it to feel better about yourself.

Not everyone is going to like you. Not everyone is going to love you. People fall out of love with you. Relationships end. Whether by death, divorce or a break-up. You have to move on from it. It's life. You learn the lessons and you use that to make better decisions in the future. Understandable that you will feel pain and hurt for awhile, grapple with letting go and feelings of denial, but staying stagnant a year later because of a few text messages isn't rational, Girl. At some point, enough is enough.

Edited March 16, 2016 by Zahara

March 16, 2016

"It isn't unfinished business. It's finished. He even said he never really loved you. The relationship wasn't healthy for you. This isn't love you feel but rather your ego and self-esteem struggling to get over the rejection and until you receive his validation, you'll always keep tying your self-worth to that rejection. It was because of me he ended, it was because I was xyz, it was because I did abc -- this isn't about him, it's about self-blame. I don't even think you really love him but more so you're consumed with self-blame and you desperately need to rewrite it to feel better about yourself."

This. This is entirely true. You're so right, wow. Thank you. How do you fix that? How do you mentally let that go, because as much as I tell myself that I deserve better and deep down I know this, I still feel mentally stuck on him and my mind always returns back to him. I want to move on from him, but mentally how do you go about letting it go? What is the process?

March 16, 2016

This. This is entirely true. You're so right, wow. Thank you. How do you fix that? How do you mentally let that go, because as much as I tell myself that I deserve better and deep down I know this, I still feel mentally stuck on him and my mind always returns back to him. I want to move on from him, but mentally how do you go about letting it go? What is the process?

The first thing you need to do is block him. It signifies your finality. From that point forward you accept that it is over and that you have to move on. There is no more nurturing or entertaining any sort of hope. You cut the cord. There is no other way.

Mentally letting go doesn't happen overnight. You've stalled your grieving and healing by keeping one foot in the door. If you want to move on -- true, cold turkey NC. You will struggle with your emotions for awhile but in time you will slowly emotionally and mentally let go and detach from him.

It would be best for you to focus this time on yourself. Stay away from dating. The main thing to do now is to work on yourself -- going back to things you love doing, trying new things, finding your independence, learning to be alone -- meeting new people through meetups, taking up a hobby, do some traveling, reading up on ways to encourage self-esteem, do some volunteering, take some classes, start an exercise routine (when you start seeing changes, you'll start to feel empowered) -- cultivate your life based on what you love doing. Invest all your energy in change. Make a list of goals. What you hope to accomplish by next year. Where you hope to be. Start journaling these thoughts and your journey. A year from now you'll read it and be astonished at the progress you've made and you'll realize you're way stronger than you think you are.

It's going to take time and discipline. But if you want it bad enough, it is definitely attainable.

Edited March 16, 2016 by Zahara

March 16, 2016

Okay, i have tried some of those things, but you're right, I never really did it with the mindset. But I will now. You are so right, I deserve better and owe it to myself to love myself more. It's affected my life in more ways than just romantic relationships.

Thank you so much for your advice and guidance!

March 16, 2016

Okay, i have tried some of those things, but you're right, I never really did it with the mindset. But I will now. You are so right, I deserve better and owe it to myself to love myself more. It's affected my life in more ways than just romantic relationships.

Thank you so much for your advice and guidance!

You're welcome. I hope you do the right thing by you. And yes, you need to be in the right mindset, and not just doing for the sake of doing and going through the motions but doing because you want change, improvement and to invest 100 in yourself.

Come here whenever you need help or advice. Seek friends and family and surround yourself with positive people.

You deserve the best, Girl! Good luck and you can do it!

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